For He knows the plans He has for me.
I pray this A LOT. Especially when things seem chaotic or messy or out of control, or when I begin to feel depression set in or a sense of hopelessness. Maybe more than a prayer, it's a reminder to myself:
Michele, He is God, creator of the ALL things. He knows the plans He has for you and they are plans to prosper you; to give you a hope and a future. Now stop being stupid and just trust Him. (The latter part often added from me.)
Sometimes when I pray, I find that I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like my faith, when it comes to me, is weak. When praying for others, my faith is so strong. I love to pray for others. To thank God for the blessing others are and to intercede on their behalf. I love how when I pray, scripture just flows through me without even realizing it. I love knowing that nothing is too small or too big for God and that He loves each person I pray for so very much; more than any human could. I love knowing God has a plan for them and I can't wait to see what He accomplishes and how He blesses them and in turn me by the privilege of praying and the honor of watching it unfold.
Praying for myself is totally different story. I struggle in this area. Oh, there is the quick fix prayer: the- "Lord, please help me get through this. You have given me this opportunity, now please help me get it done." -kind of stuff. But even in this, there is still a hint of panic. What is it? He's proven time and again that He is there. He has saved me from myself and from so many things over the past 42 years. He has shown me peace, strength, courage and even joy in the toughest times of my life. So why is it so hard???
I've come to two conclusions (nothing new, but refreshed in my head):
#1 I don't feel worthy of anything
#2 the day is going to come (again) when His plan is different from mine
#1 is an easy fact to admit. Most people roll their eyes or scoff when I honestly admit it. I wish they could see the inside of me and how that reaction just adds to this feeling. I wish they could know that the reason I so quickly admit to it, is because to hide it (which I sometimes do) is to give it power. If I say the words, it's like I'm not allowing it to fester or grow like a mold in the dark corners of my heart or head. I put it out in the light hoping it will not grow into something more.
I live my life with a mask on. Everyday I attempt to get up and put on a smile and walk out into the world acting like I can do this. However, inside I feel like such a failure. I truly feel worthless. I try to put it in perspective, but it doesn't always work.
I am not the person, nor am I living the life my parents wanted. So I have been a failure as a daughter. I know that I am loved. I know that it's not done to intentionally hurt me. However, I have felt inadequate my whole life. Everything I do seems to cause worry, anxiety, distress, or anger. I hardly ever do anything right. And there's the constant double checking or correction of everything I do. I've seen the pattern in the generation before and the hurt and frustration it has caused. I know it hasn't been done on purpose. I know that every word is meant from a good place; from a place of constructive criticism and a desire to be/do better next time. It's a pattern I often fight very hard to break (and sometimes I lose). I find it easier to hide away; to stay quiet; to think the thought as I ask God for His patience, wisdom and guidance.
My marriage fell apart, so I failed as a wife. I say that God saved me because I never would have left and he was not a nice man. He did his best to break me inside and out. Most say we were young and naive. We were young and naive, but I also believe in God and in the vows I made. I made a choice to say I do that day and no matter what the reason, I made that commitment. As a woman of faith I should have been able to save that marriage; to withstand the fire involved. Instead, I stood in awe as he walked away.
I can't financially provide for my family, so I've failed as a provider. My kids have never had to go hungry. They've always had clean clothes and ones that fit to wear. Their medical needs taken care of. Their educational/extracurricular needs provided. But to do it I've had to beg for help from others, make excuses why I didn't care for myself, and even lost our house. At times it has left me feeling angry, selfish, jealous, depressed. All of which I have to keep to myself, handle myself, and try to overcome myself. I have to make excuses to do something fun, because I know I can't afford it. I take on extra jobs at school and elsewhere to provide a week of summer vacation and then work the rest of summer just to try to tread water until school starts. Which leads to my next failure.
I am so busy and so tired all the time. I'm a single mom with 3 kids ranging from 9-23. One of my children has had trouble with the law. One of my children has relationship issues. One of my children has suffered PTSD due to a horrific incident with a classmate. One of my children drinks too much. One of my children is filled with hate for a family member. One of my children lives a life I don't understand. One of my children is overly anxious about everything. One of my children is so intelligent, beautiful and gifted yet can't see that so they're settling. All of my children have or had medical issues. All of my children have learned to live life with mom as a work-a-holic. I've failed as a mother (and have been so lucky to have plenty of people tell me). I failed them double because they've all grown up without a father (another thing people like to point out). Back to the first failure and the next failure. (See the vicious cycle?)
Then there's me as a woman. I'm that girl that guys love to talk to....about other women, or sports, or their kid/, or their problems. Even out on the town, I feel like there's a sign over my head that says: good listener or seek advice here. With two groups I went out with a few times, it actually became a game or a joke on Girls' Night Out to see who gets the first bite; the married women or me. None on my girlfriends have problems with me hanging out with their husbands because I'm "not a threat." I used to take it as a compliment, thinking that it was because of my moral standards or that they knew I'd never betray someone like that, until one told me, "you're not the kind of girl guys would have an affair with." What is that supposed to mean?!? (And why am I offended by it?!?)
In the last 10 years, I've been asked out twice: one was an old friend who tried to get me to lower my defenses. I really thought he cared and that maybe...but knowing my past better than anyone I only found out through social media he was also seeing someone else. The other stood me up...each time he set up a new date. I guess I could say three if I counted the guy that asked a friend to ask a friend to ask a co-worker if I would be interested in dinner. The co-worker had to explain what happened twice. The tangled path too long for my mind.
As for the reasons guys don't want to go out with me? From polling guy friends they range from: too intimidating because I'm so independent (I don't want to be - what choice do I have??), too low maintenance (and that's a bad thing?), too sweet (if only they could read my mind!), and I'm the marrying kind (how do you get married when you haven't had a relationship in 20 years and a date in almost as long?!?). I did get one useful answer: too insecure. He's right. I am insecure. How could one not be after everything I've been through? It's not that I want things like this. I want to be loved, cherished, held, comforted, adored. I want someone who will love and understand me for me. Someone who can be mature and responsible one moment and get swept up in a food fight the next. Someone who loves so completely that I feel beautiful inside and out when we're together. Someone to slow dance with, snuggle on a cold night, sway together as music plays, kiss under the mistletoe, lean on in the rough times, fight and make up with, but also pray with, praise with and serve with. I might think they were unrealistic expectations if I didn't see it all around me. So it's just unrealistic for me, I guess. Failure.
Which brings me to my final failure. My failure as a Christian. God has never left me, nor forsaken me. In fact, I have abundant blessings. I wake up each day. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. We may be living in VERY tight quarters, but unlike millions in the world, we're living in a safe, warm home. There is food available to feed my children. My middle child is going to their dream school (go Penn State) and the oldest has had their chance to pursue higher education. My youngest sees amazing doctors who have helped us to try to get everything he needs and keep him on a path of as much health as is possible. I not only have a job, but one that has benefits and also keeps me involved in the community. We belong to a church that fills my kids' lives with more surrogate grandparents than anyone could know what to do with. I've experienced Hos saving grace over and over. I've seen His provision, His healing, His grace and daily His mercy. So why is my faith so small when it comes to my prayers for myself? Why am I "oh ye of little faith?"
The world tells me I'm not worth it. God's word tells me I am a rose of Sharon (Song of Solomon 2:1). The world makes me feel alone and on my own. God's word says He'll never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). The world says I am a failure. God's word says I am good (Genesis 1:31). So each morning I get up and put on a smile and walk out into the world acting like I can do this. Perseverance. "And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus." (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)
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