I having been having a hard time lately with some things. I pray about them all the time, but I'm stuck in a zone...a zone of sadness or maybe it's disappointment because this is not how I wanted things to go; not how I pictured things. In trying to deal with it I tend to shoot of my mouth, get sarcastic, or make snarky jokes, but the truth is I'm hurt and confused and lost and well, I don't like that. And then the guilt sets in. The guilt that this is not the way I'm supposed to act; not the person God created me to be. This morning I was searching for a scripture to help me. I looked up scriptures to help let go, about judging, about being forgiving, about tears, about anger. In my search I found this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)
I was going to say that it got me thinking, but the truth is, as I read it, I felt a whisper in my heart. "Stop looking at the negative. Embrace the love." I love my family members. I want them to be happy. And I do need to let go of some things. I do need to look at others through fresh eyes, especially outsiders (friends, more-than-friends, etc.). I do need to be more forgiving and/or maybe more forgetting. And it's okay to share the tears and the anger, but only with God who knows my heart and can make it whole. They don't need to be shared with others who may not know the love from which they really come.
You see, my family is not like yours. Just like yours is not like mine. We're that family that spends an insane amount of time together and yet that just isn't enough for me. I miss the others like crazy when we're not together. I often turn down nights out with friends for family movie or game night. When we do go out with our friends, some one is always afraid they're going to miss something. There is talk amongst us daily, even though we don't all live in the same house. We drive each other absolutely, positively crazy, but at the end of the day, the truth is we always are there. We love more than we live.
That has been our life for so long. I grew loving to be with my family. I was a single mom early in my 20s and I loved being with my girls. We grew up together, really. Then my son came along and although his health issues shook things up, he mixed right in. I have loved watching my children together. I love the way they love each other.
But times change. Kids grow up. My girls are now in their 20s and beginning to make their own lives. They are not around as much as they used to be. And I find that I hate it. Okay, hate maybe a strong word. I find myself lost, stuck in a whirlwind of emotions ranging from jealousy to sadness to loneliness to pride to overwhelming joy to excitement to a chaotic mess where I don't know what I feel! And I'm having a hard time. Mostly because I never pictured this part. I never pictured life beyond just "us."
That whisper this morning to my heart was a good reminder that this is really all about love. I love them so much and I just need to keep loving them. And if my love is true, then it will be
* patient during the rough times
* kind to open up to new members
* not envious, but excited for new adventures
* not seek what makes me happy (the old way), but seek what makes them happy
* not full of anger, but peace
* it will let go and for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances
* it will be truthful, but also understanding if their choices are not mine
* and it will always continue to be there protecting, trusting, hoping and most of all persevering (especially when I fail at any of the above)
I need to stop looking at the negative and just trust. God blessed me with this family. He filled us with this love. He gave us this weird, close knit bond. And I truly believe He knows the plans He has for us and I know He doesn't make mistakes. Most of all, He is love. And that is enough for me.
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