I am going to be brutally honest. But first let me set the stage. Anyone who knows me, knows I
L💓VE Christmas. I love the music and movies. I love the lights and decorations and parades and festivities. I love the clothing and jewelry and head wear. I love searching for the perfect gift for those closest to me. I love reading holiday stories and doing holiday crafts and holiday baking. I love planning the food for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I love the time with family. And I love the story of baby Jesus' entrance into the world. I read of it from all of the gospels multiple times and I watch movies about it and listen to music about. I love watching my children and now my grandchildren play with the nativity. I love to sit in front of our fake fireplace, basking in the light of the Christmas tree, snuggled up in a favorite blanket, just being with my bible and God. I just love it all.
This year, I'm struggling. I've put up the lights and the Christmas tree, even though the interest around didn't seem to call for it. I started the baking, which my mom and I have shared the duties of the past few years. The music is playing and the movies are being watched. Everyday, I try to dress holiday-ish. I've spent time making holiday bows and finding holiday crafts. I've cut down on the the festivities in the name of not overwhelming us, but that isn't the truth. I'm already overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that I just don't really want to do anything. I have had hard holidays before, but I don't remember ever feeling quite this bad. And as I have sat this morning thinking about it, and talking to God, I realize I'm not alone.
So many people hide behind a smile at this time of year. The family that just lost their son. The woman mourning her first Christmas as a single mom. The man who just lost his job. The person mourning the end of a long term relationship. Those celebrating the first Christmas without someone. Those traveling hundreds of miles hoping for a cure for their loved one. Those facing diagnoses. Those facing the fact that they can't even afford to support their family. Those watching family members make decisions that are hurting others. So many are struggling.
At first, I find I'm angry with myself. How dare I be feeling like this when I'm not facing death or disease or divorce. But then I realize, we all have pain and to try to take the feelings out of it just creates more pain. Life is full of change. Right now I can't even decide if the change is coming too fast, or actually not fast enough. I feel like I'm in a stage of waiting. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for things to get better...waiting for some type of resolution or closure.
I changed jobs at work. It is pushing me to the limits of myself. I love what I'm learning, but I'm overwhelmed by how much I didn't know I don't know. I work with a great group of people, but they are all overwhelmed and busy too. I skip lunch, often work through my dinner, and even late at night. More than I have in years. Instead of 15-25 students looking to me, I now have over 700. I want so badly to do a good job.
At home things are equally crazy. Our schedules change daily (but not in a routine change like the daily change at work). Between sports, school, grandkids, doctors...there is never enough days in the week. Add in trying to figure out meals, helping one daughter balance the changes in her life, worrying about the other daughter finding balance for herself in hers.
At home I find myself short and impatient. I'm living under this weight of responsibility. More so, I'm living under this cloud of constant pending failure. I have family members hurting both physically and emotionally, but I can't find a way to make it less or fix it. My son is growing through a time of growth and it's not all positive. I'm failing to teach him the positive, right ways to handle things and he's drawn to a choices I don't approve of. He's struggling with things, but getting a child with a social-emotional communication disorder to open up? I think I have a greater chance of walking on water. I miss the days of snuggling up for bible stories. Then there are my grandchildren. They are so precious and I love getting to see them every day. I love hearing my granddaughter make up songs, or gasp in excitement as she sees Christmas decorations, or retell me stories we've shared as if they really happened. "Do you remember, Grandma? Do you remember when that silly boy saw it? It was so silly, Grandma!" (insert heart melting) Or watching my grandson start to realize things have a purpose: driving his cars, trucks, planes down the hallway; stacking things to reach higher heights (and pouting when we take them down); pretending to use the vacuum and investigating why it doesn't make a sound (it's not turned on); heading to the radio when he wants music; going to find whatever he actually wants because he realizes what it is. It's so wonderful! Until I realize that while it is so easy to be with them, my son is feeling my divided attention and we circle back to the previous. But then, they are struggling too. Their life and family have changed this year and part of that change has taken a toll on them. There is a sense of anxiousness and worry. And they are toddlers so there is alot of teaching of expectations and procedures. I've yet to meet the toddler who likes that. My mother is aging and it shows. We keep trying to make life easier for her, but instead it seems to cause more stress on everyone.
See? Nothing necessarily earth shattering, yet. Just overwhelming. And I feel like in all these situations, it's my responsibility. I'm the mom, the teacher, the caregiver, the support. Is everyone really looking to me? Or is that my control issues? Can I have control issues when I've never had control of anything....ever? Control is something that always feels just out of reach. (I actually laughed at that statement)
I don't have answers in today's blog. In fact, as I sit here typing this, I'm thinking about all the other things I should be/could be doing. Like finishing up that pre-observation paperwork or finishing my Christmas cards. But my heart says that there I am not alone hiding behind my smile. That there are others that are smiling and going on with Christmas this year, while inside feeling less than festive. We do it for those we love. And for me, I do it for Christ. Mary was overwhelmed and she still carried on the job God gave her. Joseph, well Joseph had to feel overwhelmed. In on something he couldn't fully understand. Yet he carried on and supported those he loved. And Jesus. Baby Jesus born in a messy, smelly manger with animals all around him and the world and unpleasant place. And as he grew, the dissension and challenges grew. And then finally, he faced the cross. What an overwhelming time: friends betraying you, people hating you, facing an insurmountable challenge that you really don't want to do, and knowing that although some would be so grateful, as the years went by it would be minimalized and people would turn back to their own paths. Yet, he never gave up. If he can do all that in love for us, the least I can do is keep trying.
So, I cry out the beautiful bridge from Francesca Battestelli's Be Born in Me, "I am not brave. I'll never be. The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy. I'm just a girl, nothing more, but I am willing. I am Yours." Abba, I am yours and that is why I can wake up every morning with hope. I will continue to persevere. I will trust in you for the strength to get through. I know you know the plans you have for me and one day I will look back and see how all of this worked for good, as I have so many times before. Please, help me find your joy and your peace. And as I pray this for me, Abba, I pray it for all those who are not feeling quite right. Whether it be a stressed out life, or a moment of devastating loss, be with them. Fill them and surround them with the peace that passes ALL understanding. And may their gift be joy. That joy that comes even amidst the hardest moments in life. I love you, Abba.
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