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I've been continuing to pray on and listen to 1 Corinthians 13.  I even bookmarked a reading of it I found on YouTube.  (I can't afford an audio bible; don't know why I never thought to check on there.  I love to listen to the scriptures being read aloud when I'm sick or my heart is hurting or sometimes just as I'm working on something else.)  I've also been reading other things - devotionals, dig deeper scriptures, etc.  Today I came across a Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional.  It's about this woman who in high school someone gave her the nickname "hips" because of her body shape.  That then became a label for how she really saw herself.  She proceeds with how she has given herself many other labels over the years (as have others), some true, some not.  She then goes on to talk about the fact that only in the book of John is John referred to as the disciple whom Jesus loved.  She states that although we have no idea where that label came from, we make the assumption that it probably came out of the sibling-style rivalry of the disciples believing that John was loved more.  But again, that is just conjecture.  She comments that what if he gave himself that title? And also, it doesn't say "the disciple Jesus loved more," just "the disciple Jesus loved". What if we each took on and accepted that title?  How would that change our lives?  How would see ourselves then?  After pondering this for a moment, I realized "that Jesus loved" is not the part I have a hard time with.  I have absolutely NO doubt that Jesus loves me, and not just loves me, but loves me abundantly, overwhelmingly, unconditionally.  I don't completely understand why He would want to many times, but I don't doubt that He does.  I realized I have a problem with "the disciple."  As I sat thinking about how far I am from where I want to be for God and how many times I have failed Him or let Him down, I realized that I find it hard to consider myself a disciple.  He spoke to my heart immediately because as I was thinking that, immediately I heard, "They weren't perfect either.  They made mistakes too."  And then I thought of Peter, poor Peter whose mistakes were made so public.  Or Thomas.  And Judas.  I don't have to be perfect to be a disciple.  I think that's where God is leading me to look now.  It's about love again.  It all comes back to love.  I need to stick with learning to love myself with that 1 Corinthians love.  And I need to love God with it because it never fails, but always perseveres, hopes, trusts.  And in that love I need to believe that I am Michele, the disciple Jesus loves.