Yesterday was one of those days. I've grown very adept at putting on my mask, hopefully the smile one and moving through life like things are okay even when I feel the exact opposite. Don't get me wrong, I have my passionate tirades like everyone, but for the most part, I try to be upbeat and I live to serve others. The reality of my life, as few really know, is much heavier. Things aren't always as they seem and sometimes the perfectly "normal" can be unperfectly chaotically and broken. Sometimes dark clouds overcast my world or gray snowy skies better match my insides. I wake up each morning during this times and try to find the rainbow or make the snow glisten...it can get exhausting!
Have you ever seen the movie "One Fine Day" with Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney? As a single mom I love this movie. My favorite line in the movie comes from Michelle Pfeiffer as she is explaining why she doesn't need help from the carefree, roll with the punches, usually only for the weekend dad, played by Clooney, "I've got all these little balls in the air and if someone caught one of them for me, I'd probably drop all of them."
Yesterday was one of those days where reality decided to stand up and get real with me. Everything was chaotically off balance. Nothing was staying juggled the way I like it. It was nothing earth shattering or horrible. Some of it wasn't even as bad as it's been before. But that gray cloud that has been hovering was casting a stormy shadow.
One of the things to go wrong was my son's neurologist appointment. It wasn't the medical part, it was him. I KNOW my son is diagnosed ASD. I KNOW what that entails. I also KNOW how far he's come and how well he can and does do. We have been doing this so long and the parameters for doctors' appointments are so routine that I sometimes forget how unnormal it can be. Those memories are just witty anecdotes that seem unreal. He was having an off day from the moment he woke up. I thought the normalcy of school "cured" that. We left early and I should have known when he walked in wishing the appointment was tomorrow that things were still off. But he read quietly during the hour plus car ride and ate his lunch in the back seat seemingly fine. We arrived early so we sat in the car for a few minutes and I closed my eyes (which are always heavy anymore). Then the drizzle started so we ran in to avoid the rain. His obsession with the drops may have been another sign, but he's VERY intellectual and honestly, sometimes I only half listen to his academic talk (mostly because he's so much smarter than me that I don't understand). He started becoming ancy and clingy in the waiting room which is very unlike him. It progressively got worse. Add in a new PA who doesn't know our history and well, it was less than wonderful. I was embarrassed and angry and confused and overwhelmed. I cried the whole way home...he slept. Throughout my teary drive, I kept praying that God would show me answers. Not just answers from the appointment, which gleaned none, but for how to handle all this. How to handle when my juggling skills are less than stellar. How to handle allowing others to help. How to let go and not be in control, but to fully let God be in control, which means accepting help when I'm overwhelmed and tired or need a break, which means knowing when to walk away from a situation and that it's okay to. I talked to God about knowing He has a plan, but I can't see it right now. Asking Him if that means that I'm off the path or something else. How do I know how to parent in this? Maybe discipline shouldn't matter on exceptionality? Maybe I'm the wrong one to parent him? Am I raising an excuse maker? Who will do wrong and blame it on his disorder? Or is this really out of his control? If none of the behavioral therapy is working, what now? Or maybe we need an exorcism! Maybe it's just a demon that needs to break loose and all the doctors, therapists and specialists for the past 8 years are wrong? (Yes, my mind is a bowl full of crazy sometimes!) I just drove and cried and cried out to Him with all my heartache.
We arrived home and I knew in my head that forgiveness needed to be offered, but I didn't know how to let go. It's easy to say, "well, it's not his fault," but he is still accountable for some of the behavior when he chooses not to comply with the techniques and tools used to help get him back on track. So I kept my words few; just one step directions with little emotion (I didn't have much left). Once he had done the few things he needed to do, I took a nap and he laid beside me, reading. I woke up about 15 minutes later realizing it was time to start our evening routine: dinner, making lunches, and I had to do it all before a scout parent meeting at 6. So he was directed, still with few words, to sit at the table and do 30 minutes of splash math while I worked. As I set about the kitchen warming dinner (I try to cook for the week on the weekends) and making lunches, I was listening to my current book "All In," by Mark Batterson. At this point in the story he was talking about Job. If you've read my blog, you know I'm a big fan of Job. I feel I can identify with him pretty well at times. In talking about all that goes wrong with Job, he discusses what Job did in the midst...praised God. He then relates a story about some friends who had a blessing that was taken back. These friends were worship leaders and days later he watched the husband sing Blessed be the name at a conference. Knowing what had happened and hearing him sing "You give and take away" almost broke the author. As the song began to play in my head and my heart joined in on the words, I began to break too...or more so, the cloud hovering over me broke.
Unlike Job, instead of praising God for the blessing in the appointment (no new seizure activity), I became fixated on the curses. God gives and takes away, including our comfort zones. When everything goes smoothly, I forget that it's not as smooth for my sweet boy. He has to work very hard for smooth. I'm sure he gets overwhelmed and tired of it all too, just like me. Except, his is daily, because he's working to hold it together...partially to make it easier for me.
Just in case I didn't get His message last night, God, in his great mercy, made sure to follow it up this morning with 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ."
Lord, you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of The Lord! Thank you for those you use to bring me Your word and encouragement. Whether through the recommendation of a book, a prayer sent up, a text, song lyrics, a story/devotional or those who point me back to Your Word. Thank you for never abandoning me on the cloudy days and for the promise of the rainbow that binds us together. Thank you that you are not done with me yet...complete your good work in me. And thank you even for the valley, desert, dark times: for your presence, your provision and you Light that leads us. Most of all, thank you for my quirky boy and for all he does. Thank your for his effort to comply, and help me in the moments I forget his effort. Thank you for his heart which wants to serve you and loves you. Help me nurture that while we work together to make it through this path. Together in you and to you go all the glory! Amen
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