Conquering bleh!

Somehow (and I say that with a sparkle in my eye because I don't believe in coincidence) my Lent has seemed to start out with an emphasis on finding joy in all things.  Whether through encouraging words to a friend (that led to being used right back on me), devotionals, music, bible study, scriptural study on Wednesday...joy keeps coming up.  So I am working hard to use the search for joy in all things to conquer the low moments I've been feeling.  

Lately I just feel so, well, bleh.  I know, it's a very technical term.  I'm tired all the time, teary at everything, grumpy, sad, frustrated...these words don't do it justice.  I feel bleh.  I've considered blaming the weather - I don't mind the cold at all, but not enough sunny days, too overcast all the time.  I've tried blaming the situations in life: overworked, overwhelmed, under paid, misunderstood...but even when true, it doesn't help, it's just the way life is.  I wake up every morning, start my day in prayer with a commitment to try harder, but then the temptation to let the little things get to me creeps in and boy, have I been losing that battle!  I feel like every night I'm crying out to God with apology for a lousy day.

Wednesday we did lectio divina at church.  All that quiet and necessary being still was really hard for me after a long day...it's a common joke that I don't know how to relax. (unfunny part is the truth - to me relaxing is only going 50 mph through life instead of 150!). Especially this day.  It was filled with questions I didn't have answers to, people messing with my friends, interruptions in everything I needed to do, I left work late with only one thing taken off my VERY long to-do list because so many fires popped up along the way that needed to be put out.  Then I'm pulling exasperated into a space a church (with a happy meal for my son because I didn't have time to stop at home and get the well balanced pre-prepared dinner I made him) and the phone rings...it was my boss with a question about something I'm not even in charge of!  So instead of going home and pounding off my energy with a walk around the block, dancing in the kitchen, or even just busily rocking to music while making dinner or lunches, I had to sit still and quiet and I was next to my mom, so no fiddling.  Oi vey!  But oh the blessing!  Our lectio divina was using psalm 51.  When doing lectio divina with a group, there are some rules (another not so strong suit of mine - sometimes I wonder how I survive with all my not so strong suits...but for the grace of God).  Part of the process is to have the scripture read 3 times (now you see the need for quiet).  The first time, you are listening and just looking for a word or phrase that touches the heart. Give me the JOY of your saving help AGAIN.  The second time (read by opposite gender as first) you are seeing or hearing Christ in the text.  JOY in all things and AGAIN, as in new every morning, because joy comes in the morning as I've (God) told you.  The third time (switch gender of reader again) is "for the purpose of experiencing Christ 'calling us forth' into doing or being."  Be joyful in all things, because again and again I am with you.  Then each person in the group prayers for the person on their right based on what they've shared through this process.  

If you read my last post, you knew I'd had an Epiphany on Tuesday, and then this on Wednesday.  So things started getting better and easier, the end.  Don't I wish!!!  Thursday, I woke up renewed and refreshed and ready to try again.  I did a little better, but still more flop than success.  And my poor friend and co-workers tried so hard to keep me on track and yet, I just lost the fight to temptation and bleh.  Thursday night, I didn't sleep well.  I was so bothered by my failure.  That's when I realized I have to be more intentional in pointing out the joy, the blessings.  I can't beat temptation with just my good intentions.  I need to constantly remind myself.  That means sharing.   So let's turn this ship around...right now!

Annoyance / Joy:

Everyone asking me questions / people know I am approachable and will work to help them find a solution

Working until 10:30 on a Friday night chaperoning kids to a YES performance / I was able to see the Russian National Ballet perform Cinderella...for free!  As a young girl I dreamed of this!  I never would have been able to afford to see this or expose Ben to this.  Plus we got to spend the evening together without any interruptions.  

Working on a Saturday from 8-1:30(ish) / I have the opportunity to learn from teachers all over the county, share their ideas and discuss our frustrations as we prepare for the 4th grading period

Being up early on a Saturday / my daughter in college texted with a problem/frustration at 4 am and I was already awake and could be there for her...even if it was just to listen and pray for her

I have to work on Sunday (another YES  performance) / another chance to expose Ben to some culture we couldn't usually afford to see, plus I love seeing him so exciting about the work of Pavarotti.  

Constant interruptions to help others / a chance to be a blessing in someone else's life

I could go on, but you get the point.  For me, sometimes, just thinking isn't enough.  I need to speak it or write out.  Share it with others.  Just a reminder that if we choose life, there is joy.  Every day.  Renewed.  Again.  And ours for the taking.

Lord, thank you for not letting bleh win.  I know I'm not last it, but with your grace and guidance and speaking to my heart, I'm finding my way. Out of the bleh and into the Light!  In you, I can do this!!!  I love you for loving me so much to walk this path with me...even when I'm out of sort.  Thank you for always being here.  In your name I pray and praise!  Amen!