Favorite Christmas Carols

Every year there is one Christmas carol that becomes my favorite of the season.  Last year it was "When We're Together" from the animated short Olaf's Frozen Adventure.  My heart becomes overwhelmed with lines like, "'Cause when we're together I have everything on my list, and when we're together I have all I wished," or "'Cause when we're together that's my favorite place to be."  Last Christmas, my grandchildren were the fun ages of 1 and 3, my son was a struggling 13-year-old and I was overwhelmed with just how fast time goes and how short life can be.

This year, I've been the one struggling.  Life has been exceptionally messy and difficult this year.  I've found myself weighed down by life and my inability to figure out the next step, or even how I'm feeling in this moment.  I've been praying James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  I believe with every fiber of who I am that God has a plan for me (and my family).  I have absolutely no doubt that He can use all things for good because I've seen Him do it.  Yet I still feel like I'm falling short.  The evidence is overwhelming, and I feel like I'm living in a darkened pit.

This is not the recipe for an awesome Christmas season.  As we started advent, the message was "Be aware and be prepared."  My first reaction was, "Oh, I'm aware...and to prepare, I'll start bracing myself now."  Wait...that's not what he meant.  So, after re-listening to that sermon and the one from Thanksgiving, I started by prayerfully asking God to show me what I needed to be be aware of.  In comes this year's Christmas carol.  

I was driving to a training for work, listening to the "Christmas Focus" playlist I created (my attempt to get my mind right), when Francesca Battistelli's "Be Born in Me" comes on.  From the start the song grabs me:

                             Everything inside me cries for order

                              Everything inside me wants to hide

I start to laugh while talking to God, "I'm pretty confident what I am thinking isn't what she intends here, Abba, but oh is every fiber of me crying for order and every part of me just wants to hide away.  Lord, life has never NOT been messy, so why am I feeling this way?  Years of single parenting, teaching/working, kids with health complications, roller coaster issues and I have never felt so unglued."  Then comes the chorus:

                              Be born in me. Be born in me.

                              Trembling heart, somehow I believe

                              that You chose me

                             

"Oh, Lord, my heart is trembling because somehow, even through all of this, I do believe that You chose me.  You. Chose. Me."

I couldn't get out of my head the next few lines:

                              

                              I'll hold you in the beginning, 

                              You will hold me in the end

                              Every moment in the middle,

                              make my heart your Bethlehem

                              Be born in me

I know this song is an ode to Mary and the birth of baby Jesus, but I kept thinking about how those words spoke of our faith.  When we first find our faith, we hold so tightly onto Jesus, His word and all His promises.  We work hard to build and strengthen our relationship.  And then in the moments that we are struggling; when our faith is weak and our doubts need to be overcome, He holds us.  Every moment in the middle I long for Jesus to make my heart His home - His Bethlehem.  Just to be born in me.

Of course, with my mind pondering this, I completely missed the rest of the song so on repeat it went.  The more it played, the more my mind solidified its thinking.  Then suddenly the bridge became my heart's cry:

                           I am not brave, I'll never be

                           The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy

                           I'm just a girl, nothing more

                           But I am willing; I am Yours

As the tears yet again stream down my face while I write this, I find comfort.  I may not be aware of much right now and I certainly do not feel for prepared for much of anything, much less Christmas.  I don't feel any wiser to deal with the things I'm struggling with and I still feel overwhelmed and unglued.  BUT that's okay.  I'm holding on to Christ and He's holding on to me.  I may not have anything to offer this season, but I am willing, Abba, and gratefully I am Yours.  So, I will continue to be aware of even the littlest blessing and I will continue to prepare my heart by remembering God's promises.  For this year that's enough because here in the middle, He's making my heart His Bethlehem.  

PS I keep thinking that I need to make note somewhere of the song that becomes my favorite each year.  As I think back over what some of them have been, I think they are a testament to where I am at those points in my life.  <3

PPS Here is the link to our sermons, just in case you're looking for some sound teaching:  https://www.buzzsprout.com/522397