New Year's Eve 2019

I've never been a huge fan of New Year's Eve.  For one, I'm not a party person.  Although I often wish I were just to fit in, I'm really more of a hang with my family for game night kind of girl.  I've tried the going out thing, but I'd like to have some friends around.  Of course, I want them on my territory so I don't have to go out.  Someday...

Truth is, I view it as just another day.  I wake up and go to bed and usually long before any ball drops signifying the Cesarean created calendar's end and beginning of a year.

Beyond the actual New Year's Eve stuff, I also hate all the looking back and planning forward.  It all just reminds me how inadequate and unprepared I am.  Yet with all the hub bub from everyone else, your mind can't help but go there.

As I reflect on this year, it's been an exceptionally hard one.  I feel stuck in the middle of a storm watching my world fall apart before my eyes, but truly helpless to do anything about it.  And I feel more alone this year than I have ever felt before in my life, yet my world is crowded beyond belief.  So many are only in my life because I keep trying to hold on to them, help them, be there for them, while I can't even hold on.  Yet I feel guilty for those I have dropped.  It's a lonely place to be. 

And oh, have I missed my daddy this year.  He always knew exactly what to say or do in situations.  After 19 years, I think I miss him now more than ever.  The other night I dreamed of him for the first time in a long time.  I woke up and smelled baked apple, but heard the cabinets slamming (baking and slamming were things he did when frustrated).  I walked down the hallway and saw my mom's tray ready with her tea, toast, and home-grown rosebud.  I didn't check but I'm sure the napkin had a note on it.  Then he turned and saw me; that infectious smile lit his face as he walked over and hugged me with that hug that lets you know everything is going to be okay.  I've never met anyone who could hug like my daddy.  When I awoke from the dream, I found that the silence of the house (it was 3:47am) was deafening and such a letdown to my hurting heart that just keeps pondering if this will be the year things get better.

This morning, after I read one of my morning devotionals, I was irritated and frustrated because it was the same old New Year's Eve "the past reminds me how blessed I am" message.  As I fumed, I started reading the biographies of the contributors to the devotional.  And of course, there were plenty of the ones where everything is perfect in life - side note: author bios are the original Facebook posts; everything is grand and you only see the good.  Then I read one where the writer talks about how all the mishaps finally caught up with her and she was left feeling anxious and unsure.  "It was a season for gathering under God's wing - because that's the only place I feel truly protected and made strong." (1)  Another discussed feeling like it was impossible to escape the heat in life.  Another said her word for the year was transition.  Another ended hers with the news of the death of her husband of 70 years after being cared for at home.  Others talked of self-doubt, changes, struggle, pain.  One listed songs that she listens to when things are too gloomy and heavy to help transform her heart back to its focus of trust (yes, I created a playlist of those and more).  

I know it seems strange, but this brought me such comfort.  Sometimes life is just so overwhelming.  Especially when it feels like everyone else is surfing through life while you are under the board, can't find the bottom to get some footing and the waves keep coming so you can't catch a breath.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are people struggling in the world, but when they're not in your inner circle, they might as well be characters on TV.  And everyone's struggle is different.  A person struggling with a sick child feels very different than one struggling with divorce or addiction.  Truth is we all struggle.  And although our struggles are different, struggling is still hard. 

 Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the way of Christ." I don't believe that this means we won't ever feel alone.  I don't believe this is a command to handle other people's problems or try to control lives or a request to fix things.  I believe that this is a command to reach out, to walk alongside, to listen.  I think it's a call to know that all struggle is hard, and each person is different.  I think we need to love one another.  I think we need to know it's okay to need to let go, to not be able to fix things and to not have all the answers (the control freak in me is getting hives from stating that).  

Scott Walker, a guideposts contributor, says, "Faith is renewed through the broad range of our experiences and emotions." (2)  This is my takeaway from 2019.  Life is more struggle than blessing right now.  And yes, I see blessings too, but they are far outnumbered right now.  But that is okay.  Faith is being renewed.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I cross this bridge from struggle to resolution.  Whether I feel alone or surrounded, I will not stop because hope is what anchors my life.  That hope has been built on the evidence that with God all things are possible.  Evidence that God will use all things from my life for good.  Evidence that weeping may endure for the night (and it's been a LOOOOONNNNGGGG season of nights), but joy will come in the morning.  Evidence that I am not alone, but God will never leave me or forsake me.  That evidence is that past 47 years.  Bring on 2020!

Transforming my Heart Playlist

(1) Carol Knapp; Daily Guideposts 2019; p591

(2) Scott Walker; Daily Guideposts 2019; p602