Forget the past - live for today

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18, 19 NIV)

This verse is heavy on my heart today.  Yesterday I found myself struggling down memory lane.  I was thinking of times in my life that were beautiful and magical.  I was thinking of times that were more dreamlike than reality.  When I get into that mindset, I fall into a pit.  The "what-if" pit.  I hate this pit with a passion because it is so deep and hard to get out of.  But when I sit and look at the pit in the light of the cross, my eyes see something new.

No, I didn't get to marry the handsome, wonderful marine or wear the beautiful dress or say the heartfelt vows I wrote or dance the night away into a gorgeous honeymoon.  I didn't get to live in the dream house we were building and stay home with my daughters instead of working.  BUT, I also was not the woman he divorced 3 years laters.  And I wasn't stationed with him in San Diego when my daddy was dying.  My daughters and I were here.  Holding his hands everyday till the end.  Belle reading him the bible, Kalie singing him sweet songs.  I was there in his final breath to comfort him and remind him that we would be okay and he should go to Jesus; he had taught me well and we would survive.  I was still there when months later my mother reached the point that the mourning was too hard and she just needed to meltdown for a day.  Kalie performed in musicals and shows, Belle played soccer and won awards for her art and academics.  They shared holidays with both sets of grandparents.  They had a blast a youth group.  And I had Ben.  Life has been exciting!  None of those things may have happened if my then dream came true.  God had another plan and His way is always right.  So today, I wake up fresh and new.  The past is just that - past.  And today God will do a new thing in my life.  Memories are fun, but like a book, they need to be put down and we need to choose life and live it.  That's a blessing God gives us today...the present.

Memories

Yesterday we were making the drive home from Washington DC, and at one point in the trip everyone was sleeping so it was just quiet in the car.  These are the times that my mind often gets the best of me.  As I drove, I was thanking God for the opportunity to make more memories with my children; for them to have memories of time together with each other, with me, with their grandmother.  Then my mind goes to other memories...memories of other times, other dreams, almost moments and often that leads to sadness in me.  

Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed and so grateful that it's so.  I have 3 beautiful children.  This week I've watched them walk hand in hand, giggle and laugh, the older 2 take turns carrying the little one, as well as instigating, teasing and normal impish behaviors.  It truly warms my heart to watch. I feel so blessed to have them and for all the times we've had together.  Then my mind thinks about how great it would be if they had 2 parents to love them.  I think about how blessed they would have been.  I think, if only I had someone to share this road with.  I think of missed opportunities. I let my mind begin to get away from me.

But I have to stop myself.  I can't let Satan take me down this road.  I can't let him turn my blessings into guilt, sorrow and curses.  God has a plan for me and family and that plan has been to prosper me and not to harm us.  He has given us hope and a future.  There is a reason for every path we walk, even those we chose to go down when another, better path was offered.  And God can and does create good even in the midst of our mistakes and missteps, because He loves us so overwhelmingly and unconditionally.  

Our life has been different, but in the different has been so much joy!  Food fights to break tense moments.  Lazy days of movie marathons to end a stressful week.  Trips to the park where for just a little while we can all be 5 again.  Candle lit dinners of Mac and cheese and juice on wine glasses.  Talks that start out so serious but end with laughter so full your stomach hurts.  Times where a bed is meant for the whole family.  And times of such financial strain that all we have to give is what our hands and hearts can offer.  Dreams of tomorrow, memories of yesterday, all gifts of today.  The truest gift is Him in all of it.  God has provided for their every need.  No, they may not have 2 parents, but He gave them one with twice the love to share.  No, they may not have all the latest toys or gadgets, but He has never let their needs go unmet.  

Thank you, Lord, for the gift that is my family.  Thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon us, especially the memories that we cherish of our times together.  Thank you, also, Lord, for guarding our minds.  Thank you for protecting us from Satan's schemes to rob our joy and for helping us to know we have a choice: blessings or curses.  I choose life lived in You.  Almost isn't.  You are.  Thank you.

Impulsivity

This morning while reading my bible study I came across these questions:

"Am I responding to all God is leading me to do?

Have I obeyed all I already know to be His will?

Do I really believe He loves me and will always do what is best and right?

Am I willing to patiently wait on His timing and to obey everything I know to do in the meantime?"

(Experiencing God by Henry & Richard Blackaby p.192)

Wow!  The first 2 questions I found hard only because I don't like the honest answer.  In other words they were sadly easy because I am guilty.  The third question was also easy and I could honestly answer with a loud and resounding YES!  I do believe that God loves me!  In fact I truly believe and feel that He loves me more than I can ever really fathom or understand.  And I do believe He will always do what is right and best even if it isn't what I want.  Mostly I know because I've seen, lived and experienced this throughout my life.  When I look back, I can so often see that He knew better than me and I am so grateful for His will and plan.  

Then that pesky 4th question comes along to call me out.  "Am I WILLING...to WAIT... PATIENTLY...on HIS TIMING...and to OBEY EVERYTHING I know in the meantime?"  Wow!  I wish that I could say that my answer is another resounding yes, but I know me.  I want so much to say yes to this, but I am so guilty of this impulsivity when waiting is near.  In fact, when I was younger, my mother used to tell me (daily) that "patience is a virtue," to which I would add under my breath...a virtue I don't have.  

God has worked on that ALOT in my life and in some ways I've come a long way baby!  In others I have so far to go.  For example, my family is currently on vacation in Washington DC.  As we were driving up here, my mom commented on how impressed she was with my driving through high traffic areas.  She said I have so much patience to give and take while her natural inclination is to be an aggressive driver and push others out.  This did not used to be true of me.  In fact my dad used to call me Mario Andretti.  However, many of my son's medical appointments are in larger cities and usually we hit high traffic on the way home because we are often the last appointment of the day to alleviate missing so much school/work.  And then there are the times over 22 years of taxiing trips to concerts, camps, football games, etc. where there are just too many people trying to get in or out at the same time.  God has taught me that my impatience is only going to take me longer...an accident that takes hours to report and months to deal with insurance; an impulsive shortcut that takes me 3 hours out of the way or gets me lost.  It is much easier to pray for those around me, that God will keep us all safe and move in their hearts (since He alone knows what they're facing).  And patience then overcomes.

However, this is not ALWAYS the case.  I am often a very impulsive creature and that gets me into trouble, often MAJOR trouble.  For example, the big changes in life.  My adult daughter has been living with her father for the past year.  It has been a rocky situation and i have hated it, but she has not been able to come home until she was willing to live within the boundaries I have set.  However, there has been theft amongst siblings and a lack of discipline and although chomping at the bit, I have tried to stay out of it and be patient and wait for God to work.  However, my daughter went away to a wedding and when she returned she could not get into her own room.  According to the locksmith, someone had put something like glue into the lock.  Rather than keep my own cool head and pray for wisdom and discernment, I spouted off to her that she shouldn't have to live like this and should move out.  My impulsivity and anger has had a domino affect.  My daughter (whose impulsivity is worse than my own) proceeded to move all of her things out of her dad's and are now strewn between my mother's house and my own.  I have no idea where we are going to put any of it or where she is going to sleep or how this is going to change the dynamic already shifting.  In true Scarlet O'Hara fashion, I declare I'll think about it tomorrow - or after our trip.  Ironically, it was my impulsivity that moved her out and now moved her in and what have I gained or learned?  

Lack of patience can do so much damage.  I've learned this unfortunate lesson over and over again and I have the scars and heart breaks to prove it.  And yet, I still struggle with that impulsivity.  My study asked "why do you think God sometimes works slowly in a person's life as He matures him or her?"  That answer comes so easily to me.  We as humans want to jump right to the end.  We're looking for the end result - the instant gratification.  Good or bad: good so we can revel, bad so we can change things up and go again.  However, so often when we jump to the end we miss the glory and the lessons in the steps.  I used to drive my girls nuts when they'd see me read books.  If the books got iffy, I'd jump to the end to see if everything was going to turn out okay.  If the character was going to die or have a life of tragedy, I'd stop reading and miss an incredible journey.  

Real life is like that for me.  I get so antsy that things aren't going to end....well, the way I want them to, so I try to push it along.  Instead, I need to stop, take a deep breath and let God do His thing. When I look back at my life I can see His plan is best, but when I have just that one piece in my hand, I try to make it fit even if I need more pieces before it can.  I want to shout out, "yes, I'll wait on You, Lord," and truthfully I do mean it, but I know me and know that I will fail and that keeps me from saying yes.

Lord, thank you first and foremost for not giving up on me.  You show patience that is beyond a level I can understand and for that I truly am eternally grateful.  Lord, I am also filled with sorrow that I have failed so many times at waiting on you.  You have taught me so much about patience and daily continue to do so.  Thank you, for all you've taught me.  But, Lord, I still have a long way to go.  Out of fear of failure I hold back from saying yes, and that in itself makes me feel ashamed.  Help me remember, Abba, that you did not give me a spirit of fear, but of strength and self-control.  You WILL help me be strong.  You WILL provide for all of my needs in the interim.  You WILL give me the strength and courage to get through the rough seas.  And most of all, You WILL see to completion this work You have started in me.  Give me wisdom and discernment, especially when I forget to ask.  Give me a steadfast heart that makes my yes YES and keeps my no firm.  Help protect me from temptation.  Give me Your spirit of self-control.  And surround me with Your love and encouragement.  Thank you, Lord, for all that You have taught me and shown me.  Thank you for the experiences in my life that show me Your will is best and for the path taken that has made me who I am.  Please continue in me the good work You have started so one day I may hear You say, "We'll done, good and faithful servant."  In Your name I pray, Amen.

I will give you rest

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

Why is this so hard?  We get busy, life takes roller coaster turns, our plates become filled, and we become so overwhelmed.  Well, I become so overwhelmed.  Maybe this isn't a problem many people suffer from.  However, if this past year at work is any indication, I know I'm not alone.  Truth is, I feel like more and more "overwhelmed" is the response to the question, "how are you?"

Yet, it's so simple.  We have the Prince of Peace, God of all things, the Perfect Provider, the Creator of all heaven and earth offering us rest.  He says it so simply, "Come to me". And He doesn't pull any punches about who He's talking to either.  "All you who are weary (raise hand here) and burdened (raise hand again)."  Most importantly He's offering the very thing we're all searching for: "and I will give you rest...you will find rest for your souls."  Yet we run in circles like hamsters on a wheel until we just can't anymore.  Why?  

For me, I think that I've become so used to the overwhelming, that I'm a little afraid of the peace.  It sounds so ridiculous even coming out of my mouth, that I'm almost embarrassed to put it into print.  I equate it to the story I used to hear as a child about the worn out shoes:

Once upon a time there was a man (I've learned since that it had to be a man because woman are addicted to shoes!).  This man wore the same shoes everyday.  He was proud of their polished appearance, the general look of success and power the style brought him, something he didn't generally see in himself.  When he first got the shoes, they hurt his feet, but once breaking them in the pain subsided some and that showed perseverance and control.  Of course, he continued to wear them because he felt distinguished.  The man wore the shoes for years and years.  The wear and tear on the shoes so extreme that the soles even allowed his feet to touch the concrete as he walked.  However, these were his power shoes and with them on he felt strong. One day, a friend noticed his cracked and bleeding feet and offered him a new pair of shoes, but the man wouldn't take them.  "New shoes hurt.  They never fit quite right," the man said.  His friend replied, "These shoes you're wearing must hurt your feet because they're so worn out.  Why won't you change them?"  His response was simple, "These shoes make me look powerful and I'm used to this feeling."  For the man, the pain he knew was better than the pain he didn't and he thought they made him look like more than he felt he was.

I think, at least for me, my chaos is like the old shoes.  If I go to bed weary, I did something during the day.  If I am overwhelmed than I must have something going on in my life.  I must be someone.  But that is not what God wants of us.  The Christ that faced the anger and futility of a nation and faced death says His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Doesn't even seem possible that those two thoughts could go together.  I can't wrap my mind around it, yet here He is telling me that He can teach me how to live a life like that.  

We know, as believers, that we are going to face trials and challenges.  It's guaranteed in scripture.  We know that life is not going to always go the way we want because we're not God and His ways are not our ways.  But if the Crucified Christ can look to me and say, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light," the least I can do is listen.  Do I believe He is who He says?  Do I believe He can do what He promises?  If so, then it's time to change my shoes.  

Abba, I can be such a stubborn mule, caught in the ruts I've travelled for so long.  You are my God and I love You so.  Help me today to just take a breath and listen to what you are trying to teach me about peace.  As I face any challenges, normal daily annoyances like a busy schedule or big shockers, please teach me and help me find rest for my soul.  You make all things new.  It is not me who makes it through each day, it is You working through me.  Help me never forget that.  You make ALL things possible. So at then end of the day if I feel weary and burdened, help me remember that it is only because I'm fighting You.  Help me let go and give it to You so You can help me learn to share the load and may I always find my rest in You.  Amen.