"Am I responding to all God is leading me to do?
Have I obeyed all I already know to be His will?
Do I really believe He loves me and will always do what is best and right?
Am I willing to patiently wait on His timing and to obey everything I know to do in the meantime?"
(Experiencing God by Henry & Richard Blackaby p.192)
Wow! The first 2 questions I found hard only because I don't like the honest answer. In other words they were sadly easy because I am guilty. The third question was also easy and I could honestly answer with a loud and resounding YES! I do believe that God loves me! In fact I truly believe and feel that He loves me more than I can ever really fathom or understand. And I do believe He will always do what is right and best even if it isn't what I want. Mostly I know because I've seen, lived and experienced this throughout my life. When I look back, I can so often see that He knew better than me and I am so grateful for His will and plan.
Then that pesky 4th question comes along to call me out. "Am I WILLING...to WAIT... PATIENTLY...on HIS TIMING...and to OBEY EVERYTHING I know in the meantime?" Wow! I wish that I could say that my answer is another resounding yes, but I know me. I want so much to say yes to this, but I am so guilty of this impulsivity when waiting is near. In fact, when I was younger, my mother used to tell me (daily) that "patience is a virtue," to which I would add under my breath...a virtue I don't have.
God has worked on that ALOT in my life and in some ways I've come a long way baby! In others I have so far to go. For example, my family is currently on vacation in Washington DC. As we were driving up here, my mom commented on how impressed she was with my driving through high traffic areas. She said I have so much patience to give and take while her natural inclination is to be an aggressive driver and push others out. This did not used to be true of me. In fact my dad used to call me Mario Andretti. However, many of my son's medical appointments are in larger cities and usually we hit high traffic on the way home because we are often the last appointment of the day to alleviate missing so much school/work. And then there are the times over 22 years of taxiing trips to concerts, camps, football games, etc. where there are just too many people trying to get in or out at the same time. God has taught me that my impatience is only going to take me longer...an accident that takes hours to report and months to deal with insurance; an impulsive shortcut that takes me 3 hours out of the way or gets me lost. It is much easier to pray for those around me, that God will keep us all safe and move in their hearts (since He alone knows what they're facing). And patience then overcomes.
However, this is not ALWAYS the case. I am often a very impulsive creature and that gets me into trouble, often MAJOR trouble. For example, the big changes in life. My adult daughter has been living with her father for the past year. It has been a rocky situation and i have hated it, but she has not been able to come home until she was willing to live within the boundaries I have set. However, there has been theft amongst siblings and a lack of discipline and although chomping at the bit, I have tried to stay out of it and be patient and wait for God to work. However, my daughter went away to a wedding and when she returned she could not get into her own room. According to the locksmith, someone had put something like glue into the lock. Rather than keep my own cool head and pray for wisdom and discernment, I spouted off to her that she shouldn't have to live like this and should move out. My impulsivity and anger has had a domino affect. My daughter (whose impulsivity is worse than my own) proceeded to move all of her things out of her dad's and are now strewn between my mother's house and my own. I have no idea where we are going to put any of it or where she is going to sleep or how this is going to change the dynamic already shifting. In true Scarlet O'Hara fashion, I declare I'll think about it tomorrow - or after our trip. Ironically, it was my impulsivity that moved her out and now moved her in and what have I gained or learned?
Lack of patience can do so much damage. I've learned this unfortunate lesson over and over again and I have the scars and heart breaks to prove it. And yet, I still struggle with that impulsivity. My study asked "why do you think God sometimes works slowly in a person's life as He matures him or her?" That answer comes so easily to me. We as humans want to jump right to the end. We're looking for the end result - the instant gratification. Good or bad: good so we can revel, bad so we can change things up and go again. However, so often when we jump to the end we miss the glory and the lessons in the steps. I used to drive my girls nuts when they'd see me read books. If the books got iffy, I'd jump to the end to see if everything was going to turn out okay. If the character was going to die or have a life of tragedy, I'd stop reading and miss an incredible journey.
Real life is like that for me. I get so antsy that things aren't going to end....well, the way I want them to, so I try to push it along. Instead, I need to stop, take a deep breath and let God do His thing. When I look back at my life I can see His plan is best, but when I have just that one piece in my hand, I try to make it fit even if I need more pieces before it can. I want to shout out, "yes, I'll wait on You, Lord," and truthfully I do mean it, but I know me and know that I will fail and that keeps me from saying yes.
Lord, thank you first and foremost for not giving up on me. You show patience that is beyond a level I can understand and for that I truly am eternally grateful. Lord, I am also filled with sorrow that I have failed so many times at waiting on you. You have taught me so much about patience and daily continue to do so. Thank you, for all you've taught me. But, Lord, I still have a long way to go. Out of fear of failure I hold back from saying yes, and that in itself makes me feel ashamed. Help me remember, Abba, that you did not give me a spirit of fear, but of strength and self-control. You WILL help me be strong. You WILL provide for all of my needs in the interim. You WILL give me the strength and courage to get through the rough seas. And most of all, You WILL see to completion this work You have started in me. Give me wisdom and discernment, especially when I forget to ask. Give me a steadfast heart that makes my yes YES and keeps my no firm. Help protect me from temptation. Give me Your spirit of self-control. And surround me with Your love and encouragement. Thank you, Lord, for all that You have taught me and shown me. Thank you for the experiences in my life that show me Your will is best and for the path taken that has made me who I am. Please continue in me the good work You have started so one day I may hear You say, "We'll done, good and faithful servant." In Your name I pray, Amen.
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