My Mustard Seed of Faith

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” (Mark 4:30-32 NIV)

There are many areas of my life that I feel helpless and fearful and stressed about: work, my medical needs/aging, finances/being able to provide for my family, ending up alone, not being who God created me to be... but I think the area that I currently feel the most helpless, fearful and stressed about is my children.  I worry that I didn't show them enough.  I worry that they'll get hurt.  I worry that they'll never become who God created them to be.  I worry that they don't love God with their whole heart, mind and soul or even worse, that they don't really believe.  Through all of these things I remind myself that God is in control.  I remind myself that he says, "Fear not, for I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  I remind myself that He knows the plans He has for me and for my family and that He is the creator and perfecter of all creation; He doesn't make mistakes.  He uses all things for good and for His perfect plan.  He knows every fiber of my being and He loves us more than we could ever feasibly imagine.  

"Oh ye of little faith!" "Why worry when I have it all under control.  I have numbered your days and will use them in my purpose for you."  Lord, my faith feels so weak at times, when the world is swirling around me and I can't find my footing.  But you have told us that even faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.  Root my faith.  Grow it in you.  And hold fast to me when the world is swirling.  I believe in You and in the plans You have for me and my family.  help me in my moments of unbelief.  Amen.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. ” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. (Luke 17:6 NIV)

Growing up is hard!!!

I having been having a hard time lately with some things.  I pray about them all the time, but I'm stuck in a zone...a zone of sadness or maybe it's disappointment because this is not how I wanted things to go; not how I pictured things.  In trying to deal with it I tend to shoot of my mouth, get sarcastic, or make snarky jokes, but the truth is I'm hurt and confused and lost and well, I don't like that.  And then the guilt sets in.  The guilt that this is not the way I'm supposed to act; not the person God created me to be.  This morning I was searching for a scripture to help me.  I looked up scriptures to help let go, about judging, about being forgiving, about tears, about anger.  In my search I found this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

I was going to say that it got me thinking, but the truth is, as I read it, I felt a whisper in my heart.  "Stop looking at the negative.  Embrace the love."  I love my family members.  I want them to be happy.  And I do need to let go of some things.  I do need to look at others through fresh eyes, especially outsiders (friends, more-than-friends, etc.).  I do need to be more forgiving and/or maybe more forgetting.  And it's okay to share the tears and the anger, but only with God who knows my heart and can make it whole.  They don't need to be shared with others who may not know the love from which they really come.  

You see, my family is not like yours.  Just like yours is not like mine.  We're that family that spends an insane amount of time together and yet that just isn't enough for me.  I miss the others like crazy when we're not together.  I often turn down nights out with friends for family movie or game night.  When we do go out with our friends, some one is always afraid they're going to miss something.  There is talk amongst us daily, even though we don't all live in the same house.  We drive each other absolutely, positively crazy, but at the end of the day, the truth is we always are there.  We love more than we live.

That has been our life for so long.  I grew loving to be with my family.  I was a single mom early in my 20s and I loved being with my girls.  We grew up together, really.  Then my son came along and although his health issues shook things up, he mixed right in.  I have loved watching my children together.  I love the way they love each other.  

But times change.  Kids grow up.  My girls are now in their 20s and beginning to make their own lives. They are not around as much as they used to be.  And I find that I hate it.  Okay, hate maybe a strong word.  I find myself lost, stuck in a whirlwind of emotions ranging from jealousy to sadness to loneliness to pride to overwhelming joy to excitement to a chaotic mess where I don't know what I feel!  And I'm having a hard time.  Mostly because I never pictured this part.  I never pictured life beyond just "us."  

That whisper this morning to my heart was a good reminder that this is really all about love.  I love them so much and I just need to keep loving them.  And if my love is true, then it will be 

* patient during the rough times

* kind to open up to new members

* not envious, but excited for new adventures

* not seek what makes me happy (the old way), but seek what makes them happy

* not full of anger, but peace

* it will let go and for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances 

* it will be truthful, but also understanding if their choices are not mine

* and it will always continue to be there protecting, trusting, hoping and most of all persevering (especially when I fail at any of the above)

I need to stop looking at the negative and just trust.  God blessed me with this family.  He filled us with this love.  He gave us this weird, close knit bond.  And I truly believe He knows the plans He has for us and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  Most of all, He is love.  And that is enough for me.

Morning rituals

Every morning before my eyes even open I start my day with God.  I don't know how or when this routine started, but this morning in the midst of it, I thought about how my day just doesn't start without it.  It is such a habit that even if everything else in my morning routine changes, this still stays the same.  And as I was thinking about the whole ritual, I was thinking about the words in the two prayers (which have meshed together and become one for me), and how beautiful they are.

Good morning, Father.  You are ushering in another day, untouched and freshly new. So here I am to ask you, Lord, if You'll renew me too. Forgive the many errors, Lord, that I made yesterday and help me try again dear Lord, to walk closer in Your way.  But Father, I am well aware that I can't make it on my own. So take my hand, Lord, hold it tight, for I can't and don't want to walk alone.  This is another day, O Lord.  I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready for whatever it may be.  If I am to stand, help me to stand bravely.  If I am to sit, help me do it quietly.  If I am to lie, help me do it patiently.  And if I am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.  Make these words more than words and give me Your Spirit, Lord Jesus.

These are both from the Book of Common Prayer somewhere.  I have been waking up with it for so long that this is from memory, which also means I may have made slight adjustments.  It's funny because it is literally the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about getting up.  After it, I do my bible study reading and/or devotional (right now I'm doing Now is the time: Acts from YOUversion) and then I pray for those on my mind and on my prayer list.  During that time a scripture usually starts to run around in my brain that I share on Facebook.  Then I get up and start my day.  But always this prayer and almost always before I open my eyes.

I love that I start the day this way.  I love that, no matter what is going on, God is a part of me and my life.  I love that each day I start with Him.  I love that I ask for presence to make a difference in my life.  And I love that it's not just routine, but that there are days, like today, that I can sit and ruminate (I love that word) in how I don't just believe in God, but He is a part of who I am and all I do.  I may truly fall and fail at moments, but each day starts fresh and new with Him at the helm.  It's what makes me who I am:  imhopeful4ever!

When the Mission Seems Impossible

Today I started a new devotional.  It started with Acts 1:1-8.  Then it asked the following questions: 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by something you know God has called you to do? Do you follow through in obedience? What was the ultimate result?

I think that more often I feel overwhelmed because I feel unsure of what God has asked or wants me to do.  I wish He spoke with neon lights or little notes left on my pillow or a text or email clearly defining the plan would be great.  But there definitely have been a few times that I definitively knew what He was calling me to and didn't always love the idea or lack of agreement or assuredness we shared.  I do try to follow through in obedience, but often need a lot of reminding and a lot of encouragement that "This is God's plan for me."  I even often need a lot of second chances to veer back to the path after chasing a squirrel.  I am apparently a very slow learner.  

One case in particular that immediately comes to mind is with my job.  2 summers ago I felt it was time to leave teaching.  I was stressed out, burnt out, bummed out and just about every other negative term you can think of. It hadn't been a horrible year.  I had looped with my class and I loved them and their parents, but I was just done with all that teaching entails, especially the little things the outside world just doesn't see or realize they put on us.  I had been asked to consider a position outside the classroom.  After praying about, I felt so convicted that God was telling me my time in the classroom wasn't done.  But what if this other position gave me more freedom?  What if it would require me to spend less?  What if it would take away the added stress of lesson plans, testing, conferencing with parents?  What if I got to travel?  What if? What it? What if?  I have very few times that I ever felt God so clearly give me a direction.  "I am NOT done with you here yet.  You have more work to do."  So, I stayed.  I thanked the person with the offer but just felt that now was not the time.  I knew I had to stay, but wondered how much I was going to regret it.  I felt like I did as a child being told I couldn't go to the birthday party because of other plans, but I just knew that it was going to be better than what I had. 

The last 2 years have been....WOW!  The first year was very challenging, but at the end of the year, I knew exactly why I had been called to stay.  It wasn't easy, but I saw the why. Last summer I considered it again and after talking and praying with my closest friend, we agreed God wanted me in the classroom.  This year has been amazing.  I have had the opportunity to work with a hearing impaired child that has stretched my teaching to new limits. I have been invigorated and refreshed.  I have a class of such darlings that in December I started getting teary when people mentioned the end of the year.  I was chosen our school's teacher of the year, an honor that has filled my heart with such encouragement through comments of my peers and our parents that I can't express the joy adequately.  And that has also caused me to be reflective; I have had the chance to see how much I have learned and grown through my boss and coworkers.  I also have seen such heartache in others that I have been driven to not wait until tomorrow to let others know how much I appreciate them or the things they do.  My heart has grown.  

Has it been easy?  No!  Has it been smooth and stress free?  Absolutely not!  Has it been all roses and blessings?  No way!  Has it been worth it?  Definitely!  I am grateful for the blessings.  I am grateful for the lessons (even if some came through really hard times).  I am grateful for the relationships.  I am grateful for the way He has shown me His will and my purpose in it.  Most of all, I am grateful for His love and His plan for me even when it's not what I want or think is best.  I am so grateful that He knows that plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  I am so grateful that He can use even someone like me and I can't wait to see what He has for me in the future!!!

What a way to start the day!

Every morning I wake up and before I even get out of bed, I begin to pray.  Sometimes my mind is muddled and foggy when I start so I always start by thank God for this day.  "Lord, I know not what this day brings forth, but you do.  Whatever it is be with me.  If I am to stand, help me stand wisely. If I am to sit, help me sit quietly.  If I am to lay, help me lay patiently.  Let me rest in You in all I do."  It's a hodge podge of prayers I've learned over the years.  Most from the Book of Common Prayer.  By the time I finish that rote start, my mind has cleared and I begin to pray for those around me and with more specifics.  Some days as I pray, my mind is distracted and no matter how hard I claim peace and focus, it's a struggle.  Other days I have so much on my heart to lift up, I feel almost desperate as I pray.  

Today was one of those latter days.  A parishioner from church needs a heart transplant desperately.  A blog I stumbled across a few years ago is written by the mother of a little girl who is losing a desperate fight with brain cancer.  Another parishioner from church is starting to feel better from an accident she was in; healing we' e been praying for.  A friend is leaving a bad work situation hoping to find God's plan for her future.  Another friend is feeling overwhelmed with life filled with change and choices and unknowns.  My children are facing life choices and struggling to make the right ones.  I find myself desperate in prayer that God will lead them.  That He will become so real to them that they know without doubt He has the answers for all our questions and will trust in Him to lead them.  He knows the plans He has for them.  He created them in their inmost being.  They are wonderfully made and He can and will work all things for good in their lives if they trust in Him.  And I pray for me.  I'm facing some issues that I pray may just be exacerbated by the stress of the often selfish world.  I often have moments where I just feel broken, exhausted, inundated, and lonely.  Yet I'm filled with awe and praise.  I am overwhelmed by the things I see everyday that show God's provision and blessing even in the worst of times, the unsure times, the invisible times, the sick times.  

So, as always, I prayed and I praised.  When I felt at a point to move on with my morning (because I am never done praying), I opened my digital bible to read today's verse in the plan I am working on:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24 NIV)

There is nothing that fills my heart with more joy than knowing God is there, is listening, and cares.  I don't believe in consequences.  I believe with all my heart He has a plan for me.  I could have read that scripture yesterday, when I was struggling with distraction and weakness and feeling under the weather.  I could have read it tomorrow with whatever it holds.  But no.  Today as I prayed with a feeling of desperation- this is the day this reminder comes to me.  Isn't He just awesome?

Lord, sometimes you speak to us in whispers in our head or heart, or flying on the wind.  Sometimes through the words of others, or a song or story.  Today is it through the scriptures you have laid before me.  Thank you.  Thank you for being present in my life.  Thank you for reminding me that you are always here.  Thank you for being big enough to create the world and all that is in it, but small enough to care about my every need.  Thank you for walking through life with me.  Thank you for creating a love in my heart for your Word and a yearning for the Truth that comes through your scriptures and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for so many more second chances than I deserve.  Thank you for choosing not only to create me, but to love me and call me your own.  And if that wasn't enough, then you chose me to parent and love and pray for 3 beautiful children.  You filled my heart with love, compassion and prayers for others.  You have chosen to use me to encourage and pray.  You have provided for my needs and privileged me with extra special wants or surprises at times.  You have opened my eyes so that even in tough times I see the Your light.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you, Lord.

He Knew Me!

Romans 8:28 is a commonly quoted verse, but have you ever really looked at the words?  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (Romans 8:28-30 NIV)

I have to admit, that even though I frequently pray, praise and stand on this promise, today I noticed something new.  Something that changed everything I'd ever been told regarding this verse.  Something that gives me joy and hope.

I have spent many years hoping this verse was true for me; that I was one of those called.  I had always been led to believe that not all were called.  Over the years, it has provided me stress and worry sometimes as to whether of not God chose me or if I was just trying to force myself amongst the group.  After seeing Facing the Giants (which is my FAVORITE movie), I began "praying for rain and preparing my fields."  In other words, living my life in knowing the limitlessness of what God can do and also live preparing for it to be so for me and hoping it would be so.  

BUT - look at the start of the second sentence in our portion: "For those God foreknew"  Think about that phrase and let it sink in completely.  Foreknew means knew before.  For those God knew before.  God is the creator of all things.  He created each of us and not only created, but created with a plan and a purpose to work for good in His kingdom.  Throughout His word we find that He knew us before we were in our mother's womb.  He had thought of us before we were even conceived.  I'd say that is the epitome of foreknew.

So, that means this verse is for each of us.  God foreknew us, which means He predestined us to be conformed to the image of His son.  And if we are predestined, then we are called by Him to do his will.  And if we are called, then we are justified.  If we are justified, then we are glorified.  We have all been called according to His purpose and He can work all things for good, even the mistakes or the bad things done.  However, we also need to remember this, that it is for HIS purpose.  His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts.  We are limited in our views and cannot see the whole picture.  Haven't we all had those moments when we look back and see something that we thought was devastating at one point in our lives and realize how it led to something better?  I know I have!  We are brokenhearted when a relationship ends or we don't get the job, but later in life you see how that could have altered your entire reality now and all the blessings it includes.  

The example that jumps to my mind is a lost relationship.  We were engaged, the wedding planned, the dresses bought, the flowers ordered, the reception paid for.  And then it ended.  I still to this day am not even sure why.  And I spent years devastated.  I would lock myself in a room and try on my wedding dress.  I would dance in the mirror and think about what might have been.  Then I would fall into a puddle crying out to God, "why?!?"  But weekly moved to monthly and monthly moved to every now and then and finally 8 years later, I let the dress go and the dream that went with it.  He moved on right away; was married to someone else within a year.  Then divorced again and remarried.  I ran into him first at his work while I was nearby for a college tour and then at his stepfather's funeral.  Both times, those old feelings came back and I wondered what happened, but they were easily pushed aside with the fact that he was doing well.  Adult life has never been easy for me, and I still have moments that I remember that time in my life: a princess at a ball; showered with love; a beautiful house awaiting me; the chance to stay home with my kids; an adventurous life ahead; a companion to walk with.  BUT...if that had worked out: I would not have been here when my father died nor spent his last weeks in his presence; I would not have worked where I currently work and reconnected with so many people; I would not have my son (might have a son, but not the one I have); my girls would not have grown up in Central Florida and participated in so many things they did; we would not have the memories we have.  Life would be completely different.  I see how that had to end for this to be.  God could see more than I could, including pain.  18 years later, I see that I was in love with a dream, and I remember only the best parts, not how things really were or the dailyness and struggles of would have been.  He worked it all for good.  I know that now. 

Did/do bad things happen?  Of course!  Because we have the free will to choose what we do.  We don't always make the right decisions.  We base our choices on what we see.  We often disagree with God's choice because we cannot see the whole picture yet and how this moment fits in.  I try to make decisions prayerfully, but there are moments when I don't know what to choose.  Maybe I'm not listening, maybe that particular choice doesn't matter too much in the big scheme of things, maybe the world has too much influence on me, maybe I am stubborn and willful.  But I am alive.  I was created.  So that means that I am predestined.  I am made in the image if Christ and I have the choice to conform and love God.  And God will work all things for good for His plan.  If I conform; if I live in love, I will see how that means it will work for good in my life.

Thank you, Lord, that you knew us before we were even conceived.  Thank you for creating us in your image and for choosing us to conform to the image of your living Son.  Thank you for inviting us to love.  Thank you that you want us all; to lose not even one of us.  Thank you that when I become lost, you seek after me like the lost sheep spoken of in chapter 10 of Matthew (8-14).  Thank you that even when I am lost, you will find me and then use those lost moments for good.  Thank you for walking with me when I make those missteps on the path and comforting me when I can't see the good.  Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you would work good in my life and use my life for your purpose.  Thank you for sending your Son to die on a cross so that I may be justified.  Thank you, most of all, for moments like these when you teach me something new and when you show me how You are, have and, I know, will continue to work in my life.  Praise you, Lord, Father and King.  Amen.

Who Am I?

This week has been one of those weeks.  Monday and Tuesday were days I felt defeated and beaten down by something at work.  Then Monday afternoon Ben came to my room after school and he was sick...again.  He struggled to make it through Tuesday, but had to be sent home after testing.  Luckily my mom had finished proctoring so she could take him since I had testing, teaching and a doctor's appointment.  Wednesday night I went to bed not feeling well, plus feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.  I kept thinking about when I woke Ben up (from my bed where he ended up in the middle of the night = restless night for both) and he yelled at me, "Why are you waking me up so early?!?  It's Saturday!"  "No, son.  Not even close.  It's Wednesday morning."  "Mom, this week should be over already!"  Agreed.

As often happens when I don't feel 100%, sleep was evading me.  While I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night/early morning, I was praying for a friend whose daughter is in labor, another friend who had a really bad day, my students, a friend who has been struggling as she is persecuted for walking the path God called her to, my younger daughter awaiting some news, my older daughter making some choices, my son who is "sick of being sick" and is preparing to face some things he doesn't even know about yet, another friend who is pregnant, forgiveness for a friend I let down, and more.  My mind kept whirling.  Suddenly, as I finally asked God to help me feel better so I could go to work, I fell asleep for about 25 minutes and when I woke up, I realized today is Thursday.  This week I thought would never end is almost over!

I am so grateful that God is weak when I am strong.  I am so grateful that He has filled me with a sense of others so that my focus is on them rather than on my own failings, feelings, and flaws.  I am grateful that I have Hope in my heart always, even when the path seems unbearable.  And I am thankful for His grace and mercy when things going wrong (no matter how minor it may seem).  Who am I that He should be mindful of me?  I think that so often.  But the answer is this: I am His.  He created me; in His image He created me.  He saw that it was good, and He doesn't make mistakes. (Genesis 2:27,31)  I already know that next week has some challenges in it, but nothing is impossible with Christ, if you believe.  I do believe, Abba!  Help me in my moments of unbelief!!!  (Mark 9:23-24)  God can work ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  (Romans 8:28)  And we are all His creation and He wants to lose not even one. (John 6:39-40) Sometimes the days are long.  Sometimes the breaks seem like they'll never come.  Sometimes treading water sounds like just too much to ask, much less flourishing.  But I have faith.  Faith in the God who created me and adores me (even when I can't figure out why) and who walks with me through everything.  I have faith in His truth, which is His word.  His promises never fail.  Sometimes it takes a little time to see the whole picture, but He always has a plan and it is to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  After all, hind sight is 20/20, because now we see in part, but one day we will see fully even as we are fully known. (1Corinithians 13:12)  All because I am His.  Thank you, Abba!