“The origin of the word worship comes from blending two words to form ‘worth-ship.’ When we worship something or someone, we give them great worth in our lives and oftentimes we find our worth in them.” (p.58) Where are you most tempted to find your worth? In what area is it hardest to God define you – and not the world’s standards (i.e. career, financial success, motherhood, marriage, or ministry)?
I am very tempted to find my worth in who I am at the moment: parent or teacher, I think. I am horribly addicted to approval, something I’ve been working on for years with some, but not as much positive movement from as I’d like. I would say these final 2 areas are the 2 that I struggle with the most, but I also think that’s because it’s the only areas I haven’t given up on. I’ve had positive reactions in these areas as opposed to the utter failures I’ve had in all the others. I wish I could say that’s not why, but rather because I have given it all over to God and trust Him to be in control and these are the last areas I struggle with...but that’d be a lie. Slowly, I am learning to turn them over to Him, but apparently I’m a slow learner and do it best from rock bottom, unfortunately.
As far as teaching is concerned, God is working that out, I feel, on His own. It is a career, but also a ministry and I used to be more invested than I am. I realized a few years ago that it is a job, and can interfere with my family. I also began years ago praying each morning for God to take over in my classroom, “Empty me of me and fill me with You so I may do Your will and be Your hands and feet.” However, I still would find myself slipping. Lately it’s become harder and harder to see yourself in a positive light in this field. We’ve lost track of what’s developmentally appropriate. We’ve lost track of humanity. We’ve lost track that these are children and not some type of automated creation that can do whatever we program it to. What we expect of the children is unrealistic and unfair and the expectations on what we as teacher are to do have become overwhelming insane. It’s no longer a career for those with families, but rather for those who have nothing else in their lives. I’ve been struggling to let go, but often find myself striving aimlessly for success instead.
It’s been the same way with motherhood. It has made my life so full and my kids have been such a joy, for the most part to me and to others. But lately there has been an exertion of independence that has been followed by selfishness and bad decisions or just taunting. It has all taken a terrible toll on me. I don't just want to have "good kids," but I've struggled for the approval of the kids as well. Often this has created such guilt in me that I have actually made decisions I totally disagree with. I'm exhasuted having it all on me and that I can never win.However, again, I think that’s God. I feel like He’s been showing me this year, that I’m hanging on too tightly. I’m so afraid of failing that I’m not nurturing, I’m trying to control. Children reach an age that they make their own decisions and we have to let them. I need to trust Him to be there for them when I can’t. I also needed to trust that He can make good come from all things and that maybe what they’re going through is necessary in His preparation of their future. He knows the plans He has for them and He loves them even more than I could ever imagine doing.
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