Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q4

         How have past hurts robbed you of hope and affected your relationships today?

I think first and foremost they have made me question everything I do.  I even question why I question things.  I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust others, and often I find myself lacking trust even in God.  I trust God, but I find it hard to daily live that by putting my trust in Him for everything.  The final part creates an anger within me at myself; a disappointment that I can’t let go and let God be in control.  I’ve seen in the past 2 years that I have become very controlling about many things that I’d never noticed before.  I also have become afraid of allowing others in or near my life.  There’s an analogy in the movie “One Fine Day” that I’ve always really identified with.  Michelle Pfieffer is explaining why she can’t let George Clooney help her and says, “I’ve got all of these little balls up in the air (mimes juggling).  And if somebody else caught one for me, I’d drop them all.”  So it definitely has affected my relationships…I don’t have many.  I’m watching my kids, who I’ve been closest to, slowly edge me out of their lives as they grow up – which is as it should be in the sense that they’re growing up and becoming more independent and wanting to experience and build a life outside of our family.  I have very few friends that I can count on daily, much less when I really need something, and even less that I have reciprocal friendships with in; meaning friendships where there is give and take and sharing and walking together through life.  Most of my “friendships” are people that lean on me but don’t call or check in or anything until they need something, even just prayer.  My January, for example, was so tumultuous and people knew, yet no one called to encourage or support me, nor help me.  BUT, I feel that I’ve somewhat created that by trying to do it all on my own for so long.  And I have no other types of relationships because I’m too afraid to make that jump again.  My girls were very hurt in my efforts to have a “relationship-relationship” when they were young and that broke my heart worse than his leaving.  I don’t feel strong enough to go through that again.  So I made friends, but then that crossed a line and now I have a son who is hurting from being fatherless.  So, again, I isolate for fear of the pain.   And the longer life goes on this way, the less hope I have that it will change.  It’s not that I don’t believe it can, because God works miracles every day.  However, I choose to believe that maybe God’s plan doesn’t include those things for me because it hurts to hope.  Deep down?  imhopeful4ever.  On the surface, daily living?  My wall is tall and thick.