Expecting

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8 NIV)

I was reading my "Countdown to Christmas" advent devotional this morning and found myself suddenly at war within myself.  Today's portion was about Elizabeth and Zacharias.  Having waited and prayed for years, they were getting what their hearts truly desired, a baby.  But it seemed so impossible that when told, Zacharias could hardly believe it was truth.  Yet as impossible as it seemed, he and Elizabeth had never stopped praying for it and about it.  The admonition in this devotional is to follow their example and continuously pray with expectation and hope.

Here is where the war within me began, and this is how I expressed my dilemma in my time with God this morning:

My children know they can ask me anything.  Whether for help, for information, for some thing that they need/want....they know they can ask.  They also know that I may not provide what they request.  Sometimes because I can't and sometimes because I don't think it's what best, or at least not at that time.  But sometimes I get frustrated that they even would ask.

I often use the mental connection (or maybe comparison) of my parenting to help me understand things within God's parenting.  So in this instance, I don't want to ask for too much because I know that frustration I feel and that desire sometimes for the question to not be asked, especially when it is undeserving or when it is too much or the timing is wrong or I don't have the answers.

For example, I want to be in full health, especially in my abdomen, BUT God has helped me withstand the rough days and make it through; I am pretty healthy and have been for 42 years; it is partially a vanity issues; and I caused part of the problem so I feel undeserving of the healing.  

Or, I want my children to grow up to be loving, faithful, and independent servants of God, BUT I want them to always live near home and to need me and want me in their lives.  

Or my favorite, I want a significant other to spend my life with, BUT I feel unworthy, unwanted, unattractive, and undeserving because of my past; my desires are so ridiculous in this area I can't even put them in print; and I want my time alone too.  

How can I pray with expectation when I am so undeserving?  How can I expect so much when I have been unfaithful with so little?  How can I ask for more when He has blessed me so abundantly?  Shouldn't I just be content with what I have???

As I was reading this morning, I came to this portion, "After all of the years of waiting and praying and believing, heaven’s intervention was about to be experienced in the life and marriage of Elizabeth and Zacharias. Could it be true? Was it even possible after decades of marriage to conceive and bear a son? Would Elizabeth’s elderly frame be able to withstand 9 months of pregnancy and then the pain of giving birth? God, are You really this good?!" (Youversion devotional plan JOY! To Your World! A Countdown to Christmas Day 2). I had to giggle because this is so me!  For example, I want abdominal healing and the doctor has ordered a colonoscopy to help him determine if the diagnosis is correct.  But he only does them on Tuesdays, which means taking a day off work (especially a Tuesday - the one day we're told NOT to make appointments for).  What if I'm too sick to go to work the next day?  What if my system can't handle the prep?  What if it lasts weeks like last time?  What if they find something?  What if they don't?  I prayed expectantly for years for help.  And help He has. In all things, I know God has a plan in all of this.  Yet when I get to the point of finding answers, my fear conquers my faith.  I spend so much time praying Mark 9:24. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  I love the line in this morning's devotional text, "God, are You really this good?!"  

And as I'm writing this entry, I find myself giggling about it too.  I reread what I wrote.  The questions from my kids bring on a worldly guilt that I can't provide.  When I can't provide, maybe that too is part of a lesson.  My kids have learned to be successful with a little, so maybe that was lesson we were to learn.  But there is nothing out of God's control.   His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I can pray with expectation of an answer, but I need to pray without expectations on the answer.  I have hope.  He is my hope.  Now I have to practice letting go and letting God handle it all.   I love that my kids can come to me for/about anything.   As much as I say I get frustrated at time, it hurts my feelings when they go to someone else or hold it inside.  God wants us to come to Him with ALL of our questions, requests, concerns.  When we don't, it puts a brick between us.  Each brick is a piece of a wall that can separate us.  No, He may not always say yes, nor give us what we want or even answer every time, but that doesn't mean He doesn't care.  I can and will pray with expectation.  And I will work on, with his help, dropping my expectations on the answer and just trusting Him to know what's best.  God is in control and He knows the plan He has for me, to prosper me and to give me hope and a future...always.