Perseverance is a funny word. When I think of a person who shows perseverance, I think of someone who presses forward with determination toward a goal. Someone brave and heroic. Someone movies are or should be made about. One dictionary defines it as:
"steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success." (Google definitions)
Another dictionary states:
"steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement." (Dictionary.com)
Finally a third reveals:
"continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition" (Merriam Webster)
Although they all say the same thing there is something about the linguistics that make them appear so lofty and courageous to me. What I do does not appear lofty or courageous. It's more sloppy, happenstance and somewhat represents stumbling in the dark...wearing clown shoes...and carrying an elephant. I get up each morning, spend time with God, and then begin my day. It's a routine. One the internal clock in my body won't let me forget. (She says yawning at 5am during Christmas break.) Most days the only plan I have is to make it through the day doing the things. God has provided in my life and as someone God would want to call His own. Many days, at the end, even that feels like a stretch. Thankfully, His grace is enough to cover me for another day and I go to bed preparing to try again the next day. I find a lot of comfort in Paul's letter to the Philippians where he tells them "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13 NIV) and "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV). That whole idea that He's not done with me yet and won't give up on me, makes me able to get up each day.
Like everyone, I am up against difficulties in all area of my life. That's just life. As I've said before, I don't feel like I succeed in much, at least not much more than trying again each day. But I think the area I would say I am up against the most difficulties is financially. So much of this area is out of my control. I am an elementary school teacher by trade, first grade to be exact. We haven't had a raise in the 9 years since I transferred to the district I teach in. In fact, with the new policies they've passed the only way I'll ever get a raise again would be to give up my tenure. In my 20th year, I make just a splash more than the first year teachers. Then add in the budget cuts and the increased curriculum needs, all of which are now the teacher's responsibility. Jobs are hard to find, especially those with benefit options, so I daily remind myself to be grateful that I have one. However, as a single mom, insuring my kids takes 1/3 of my paycheck, especially because 2 of my children are over 18 now. And then there's my little guy. My son was born early and with many issues. Between the doctors he sees, the therapies and treatments he need, his medication regiment, his vitamin/natural supplement regiment (which is not covered by insurance), the specialized diet...it's rather expensive. The older ones still have college costs, living expenses, and need help while they are figuring out how to become adults. The younger has his own supplemental needs like money for field trips, scouts, school supplies, etc.
We made many friends along the way. Due to his voracious appetite for learning and his ability to read faster than lightening, we have many friends from our weekly (sometimes daily) trips to the library. We have our friends at the farmers' market and the grocery store who help me find the best deals for my dollar. We have our friends at the pharmacy who keep an eye out for the price of meds and similar products. I have my phone friend in the referral department of my insurance company, who always works so hard to get me what I need in a timely manner at the least cost to me. We have friends in scouts that share camping cooking costs. We are blessed by the wonderful women in our church's thrift shop who are always on the lookout for anything they think might fit. And then there is my mom and brother. The eternal bachelor, my brother has been my children's star cheerleader, supporter and father figure. And my mother...well, there just aren't words enough.
My kids have always come first. There is time for nights out, movies, new clothes and Starbucks when they're grown and on their own. But they are only young once and I have done everything in my power to make sure they had the best childhood I could offer. That doesn't mean name brands or cool toys. No, they have never had all that. In fact my girls are still railing that my son (who does a lot of virtual school work) got a laptop last year. It doesn't matter that it's from the dark ages and weighs almost as much as him, but rather that they both had to wait until high school graduation to get one. But ask them if they ever missed out on church camp or retreats, field trips, concerts, experiences, extracurricular activities to fit their talent...never. I have worked for/with the directors to lessen the costs, organized fundraisers, applied for scholarships, worked supplemental jobs. Whatever it takes. Having my son definitely put a crimp in their style and the girls had to hear no a little more, but still, I did whatever I could to ensure they would make those memories.
6 years ago, my son's medical expenses were on the rise and his needs for therapies were great. Insurance didn't cover many of his medications nor did they have pediatric professionals to provide for his needs. So I had choices to make: continue with therapists who were completely out of their comfort zone working with a child like him or pay for the proper care he needed. Allow them to dictate which meds he needed based on cost or provide the regiments my doctors (who were using combinations of medication and natural supplements to limit chemicals in the body) suggested. I tried it their way for a year, but in that year, my son made no growth and even showed signs of worsening, especially behaviorally. So I did what I had to do. I put my child first. I tried to work with the other bill collectors in my life, but no one wanted to work with me, so I lost my house and my credit rating is atrocious. I made the responsible choice to get rid of all my credit cards years ago, so at least I don't have that debt. But it leaves very little wiggle room. My mom has opened her heart and her home and we now live with her, which benefits us both as she's getting older, but presents another set of challenges.
Still, it's hard to look at the future and see a way out of all this. And I get so tired of people who say, people choose their circumstances and they can choose to get out of it. It's not always that easy. There are choices everyday I have to face, but the choice for some of them have consequences that affect so much more than my pocket. I can choose cheaper foods, but then I have to increase doctors' bills. I can get a different job, but then I lose my benefits, retirement, tenure, and more, not to mention that it could mean needing further training or schooling which would add a cost. I've tried the gardening thing, several times. But between my schedule (lack of time at home) and the fact that I was not blessed with a green thumb, that has not worked out for me. I know, I know, "anyone can learn how." Yea, tell that to my dad who after 28 years if trying said I am the only person he'd ever metwho could kill a plastic plant.
Finances: this is an area where I see little hope. I will continue to try because that's what we do. And I pray for and thank God for His provision. And I'm sure I'll take a few more financial workshops (I've taken at least 6 already). But most of all, when the times of failure and frustration hit, I will continue to remind myself of those words from Philippians and add in some Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." And as God continues to work in me, I'll continue to stumble with my clown shoes and carrying my elephant...I just keep moving toward the Light.
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