Do what we say or what we do?

I woke up this morning with this enormous sense of dread and sadness. I was about to step out into a world so filled with confusing and conflicting messages. I’m supposed to teach children to be kind to others while adults are slinging insults, threats, punches, and more. I’m supposed to teach  the importance of truth, when adults can’t even agree on what that is.  I’m supposed to teach children to use nice words while adults stand on street corners using words of hate.  I’m supposed to teach children to get along while adults draw lines to prove we can’t. I’m supposed to teach children inclusivity and acceptance while adults shun and criticize those whose don’t share their opinion, much less are different in other ways.  I’m supposed to teach children that everyone is entitled to their opinion, while the adults divide up, choosing sides, even when both sides have so much room to grow or are wrong. I’m supposed to teach children to love when adults are putting others down, shutting others out and using terms and tones of hate.  All I kept thinking is we have such a responsibility to this next generation and I fear what we’re teaching by example.  These next few days we also have a great opportunity to show them more.  I am praying fervently for us to rise up as a nation and join together as truly one nation under God.  To love our neighbors as ourselves regardless of race, religion, lifestyles, political beliefs, sports affiliations, etc.  To live like Jesus who loved unconditionally, even those He disagreed with, even those who persecuted Him.  That’s where my focus will be and I pray that maybe it will make a difference, set an example, start a trend of love, because like it or not, we’re all in this together - neighbors in this nation.  🎶God bless the USA.🇺🇸🎵

Disappointed

"Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry.  And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, 'Let no fruit grow on you ever again.'  Immediately the tree withered."  Matthew 21:18-19 NKJV

This morning's devotional was all about disappointment.  Jesus came upon the fig tree and was disappointed.  I was thinking how (once again) God planned for things we could not foresee.  Although we all experience disappoints in normal everyday life, during this particular time and event in history it is even more prevalent.  If fact, before I had even read this today, I had already been talking to God about this topic.  I was asking for His wisdom, discernment and creativity to help make this Holy Week real for my family.  We can read aloud from the bible accounts or watch a movie and that's fine for most of the house, but at 2 and 4, my grandchildren need more.  He has already blessed me with ideas to bring the triumphant entry (I just love how that sounds) to life today.  But what about the rest?  I'm disappointed that there won't be church services.  I'm disappointed that Sunday won't be filled with flowers and new clothes and egg hunts.  I'm disappointed that I won't get to see my friends and celebrate with them.

Disappointed is a good word for this time in history.  People are disappointed that businesses are closed.  They're disappointed they can't congregate.  Parents and even kids are disappointed that schools are doing remote learning.  (Trust me, families, most teachers are too!  It's hard!)  It's disappointing that birthday celebrations, weddings and even funerals can't happen.  There's disappointment for the students that are at transitional points; no moving on, no graduation, no prom, no grad bash.  And for athletes or athletic supporters the disappointment is REAL.  I mean NO sports???  What is this world coming to????  And don't even get me started on the disappointment I feel when I go to do our essential needs grocery shopping...

But as I was thinking about all of this two thoughts came to mind.  First, how many of these things do we typically take for granted?  Day in and day out, weeks, months, even years go by where we do these things and take part in life, yet never really think about how much it means.  The other night during prayers I asked my grandchildren what they were thankful for, as I do every night.  My granddaughter, who is at the stage where she's getting lots of talks about being ungrateful, asked if God took the cookies from Publix because she forgot to be thankful for them.  As I giggled through tears, we talked about the fact that God didn't take them away.  They're temporarily gone until the big sickness is all better.  But we also talked about how important it is to be thankful for what we have, even the smallest things.

She brought up another point though that many people have struggled with.  Can't God just make this all go away?  It's the age old question of why do bad things happen to good people.  I could go off on a tangent here about what really is good, but instead, I want to focus on the fact that sometimes we need to go through dark, scary, frustrating and disappointing times to learn.  If you sit and look back at your life, how many times did something good happen because something bad did first?  I was heart broken when my high school boyfriend broke up with me my junior year.  And it led to a series of bad decisions.  But recovering from those things gave me a strength I didn't know I have.  They led me to a faith that has been strong enough to face even worse times.  It freed me up to concentrate on my family my senior year.  And it made the connections that led to 3 beautiful children and 2 amazing grandchildren.  Was everything rosy in between?  Absolutely not, but I learned and grew.  I was devastated when I got divorced, but the strength I developed as a person, the help I've been able to give others, the bond I developed with my children, and so much more came from that.  I've been through things that have rocked my world, made me question life and yet changed my existence. 

It doesn't even have to be on that big a level.  We can look at small things too.  My son and I were hoping and planning to go on our church's mission trip to Honduras.  The dates changed making it conflict with summer camp.  I prayed about which one was the right choice.  I didn't ever hear a clear answer so I didn't get a ticket for Honduras.  Little did I know then that there was a super virus lurking and I would need that money for groceries.  God knew.  There are so many moments, big and small, in my life.  Too many to consider them coincidences.

That leads me to point two; how many things happen in our life because of plans that don't go our way?  I've wanted to be a stay at home mom since I was a little girl.  Being a single mom that was never an option.  Right now I'm getting to stay home, home school my grandchildren,  support my son, and teach all at the same time.  Is it exhausting?  Absolutely!  Is is frustrating?  Yes!!!  Am I struggling with balance and boundaries?  Totally!  But I'm also loving it!  I love seeing their faces when we discover or learn something new.  I love being in control of where the learning goes.  I love watching my son (14) lead lessons and the bond and relationship that is being forged between him and the littles.  Being "stuck" at home has helped us get projects done, changed our eating habits, increased exercise, find new ways to communicate, and even broken the ice of some relationships that have been broken.  Is it all roses and cupcakes?  No.  But it is a start.  And we would NOT have had it were it not for this time.

Disappointment is hard.  And we all need time to mourn the things that we miss.  But if we really look, there is beauty that comes from the ashes.  God truly does know the plans He has for us and they are plans to prosper us.  Unfortunately, we sometimes have to face the bad to find the good; experience the loss to remember the love; hurt to be healed.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  Proverbs 16:9 NIV

Dear Lord, it is so hard to face the disappointments of this life and to experience the hard and trying times.  It is not your will for us to feel pain, but it is in our human nature to fight it.  Help us be patient, as you are patient with us.  Open our eyes to all you are doing, especially in during these trying times.  Open our hearts to being pliable to the molding of you, for you know what is best and your ways are better than ours.  Forgive us when we grumble, comfort us when we mourn, give us grace when we go the wrong way.  Thank you for the reminder of all you have done in my life.  May it remind me always that you are trustworthy, true and for me, even when I can't see it yet.  And thank you for simple things like cookies at Publix and the lessons then bring.  Amen.

My Stubborn Human Side

No one has ever called me a slow driver.  Speed demon, always in a hurry, the names of relevant race car drivers have frequently been thrown at me in sarcasm.  As I’ve gotten older, I have become much more careful about how fast I go, especially with the precious cargo I usually have in my car.  Between my children, my grandchildren and my children’s friends, it is seldom just me in the car and hasn’t been for almost 30 years.  So the other night when I was driving and a car came upon me flashing me with his lights to get out of the way, my stubborn side set in.  Now, when it started, I could not have gotten out of his way if I tried because I was driving significantly faster than all the cars beside me.  Plus, my moving wouldn’t have done much as I was in line and speed with the 4 cars in front of me.  But once the flashing of his brights started, I wouldn’t have moved if I could have.  In fact, my human side fully exposed, I would have loved to slam on my brakes.  He was tailgating so close, he would have probably ended up in my back seat.  However, I have enough bills, need my car and my grandchildren (who were not with me) are still traumatized from the car accident they were in with their mother in early December.  So as my selfish, stubborn, human side may have been exposed, God did protect my mind enough to keep me from doing something stupid.

This morning I was playing catch up with my morning devotional (it’s been a rough week!)  The first story was about a person who struggles with road rage.  Immediately I thought of the other night.  I could actually feel myself getting worked up again and even a little judgmental about the other car’s impatient driving.  Then came a story about a woman impatient with waiting at an appointment.  Luckily, this is an area I do better at.  But the woman in the story was relaying how frustrated and angry she was becoming only to find out that the delay was due to a tragedy in someone else’s life.  The prayer to follow stated this, “Lord, when I feel impatient, help me realize that others have burdens much heavier than mine.”

Instantly, my heart went back to the other night.  Yes, maybe the driver of the car was just being obnoxious.  But, what if they were rushing to get to a hospital to say a goodbye?  Or maybe they were late to work.  Or maybe they were rushing to get kids home.  Or rushing to help someone who called with an emergency.  Or maybe they were dealing with something on their mind and didn’t even realize it was coming through in their driving.  How many times have I been on the road where in my heart I wish every one knew my urgency and moved out of the way?  It is so easy for us to get our backs up with others.  We need to give them what we want, not judgement, but grace.

As I read the prayer, my heart instantly cried out,” Yes, Lord! Help me remember how blessed I am to walk through this life with You by my side, on my mind, and in my heart.  Let others experience that same love, patience and grace, that you show me, through me too.”

And now to step out into the world and live in a way that shows my heart.
“Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my Hope in you.” Psalm 25:5

Just WOW!

"In love he predestined us for a adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will..."

Tonight is our youth group’s first night of small group.  Something new we’re trying.  I love our youth pastor’s passion for finding ways to help our kids get into the Bible so they can see that it is not so overwhelming but rather full of love and help.  Unfortunately, due to a work special event, I will not be able to be there.  So all week I have been praying for the leaders and those who may come tonight.  I have also been praying through the scriptures they’ll be using tonight.  I am so struck by this verse.

See, I am not the cute kiddo on Wednesday's child (a breakout on the news where they would highlight children needing adoption).  I feel like the hot mess that they send on an errand when new adoptive prospects show up.  we wouldn’t want to scare anyone so we’ll hide the unlovelies.  Usually the problem kids.  I mean who could possibly want me, right?  I can't get it right; I keep messing up.  I say I am a christian, but then sin daily, sometimes without even knowing it!  I can definitely relate to Paul’s claim, “I am the worst!  I do want I don’t want to do and don’t do what I do want to do!”

Yet before I was even conceived, I was predestined to be a child of God.  The King of Kings, Creator of all things, chose ME to be part of His family; His child; His own; His.  Being omniscient, He knew what a hot mess I'd be and He wanted/wants me anyway.  That never gets old or less astounding to me.  And He takes me, trash bag full of baggage and all.  And not for some big pay day from the government or to use me for slave labor, but just to love me and be with me.  Just WOW!

Abba, thank you for loving me so much even as I am.  Some days I feel like the harder I strive, the further I fall.  But you never give up on me.  To surround me with your grace and mercy and love and help me start over again.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for knowing me.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Teach me how to love my neighbors the same way you love me.  And may your word and promises never get old to my astounded heart. Amen.

Emmanuel ~ God With Us (a poem)

I was listening to an audio book this morning in the wee hours before sunrise when this came to me.

God is with us in the rain and on the sunny days
He is with us in the joy and in times of pain
He is with us when we're sure and with us when we doubt
He is with us when we're like minded, when we argue and when we pout
God is with us when we see Him and He is with us when we don't
He is with us when we acknowledge Him and even when we won't
God is with us when we honor Him or stop to bring Him praise
He is with us when we follow Him or go off other ways
God is with us in the morning, afternoon and through the night
He is with us always; with His love, His grace, His might
His life was predicted, yet He came with no fuss
The lamb who died to save our sins: Emmanuel ~ God with us

mlb 01-12-2020

Light in the Darkness

This was one of the hardest holiday seasons I have ever had.  I have spent the better part of the past year seriously struggling with some things both professionally and personally.  There have been days that the only thing getting me out of bed or keeping me from rocking in the in fetal position is my Type A personality to never give up combined with my faith. But November and December brought events into my personal life that just got me stuck in the mire.  I have felt as if I've been walking through a dream, or worse, a nightmare, rather than reality.  I have felt constantly alone, even when totally surrounded.  Not wanting this to continue, I have spent most of Christmas break focusing on how to get through.  Spending my mornings immersed in my bible, my middle of the nights immersed in a book series about the spiritual journey (1) and my days immersed in prayer while continuing to attempt to navigate a truly chaotic life, I finally felt the Light breaking through the darkness.  Nothing has really changed except what is changing within me.  To quote the preface to Micah Taylor's Different, "In the midst of all this, the prayer that I kept saying was, 'Jesus, could you just change these things...Can you stop the storms,' but He's chosen not to stop these things just yet.  And I'm finding out that sometimes the best question is not 'Jesus, can you change these things around me,' but instead, 'God, can you change me so I can handle the things that you're walking me through.'" (2)

A teacher by trade, working in predominantly low-income schools has always been my sanctuary.  I've thought about leaving, but it's my mission field and God has made it clear for now that it's where I belong.  However, recently it has become a separate source of struggle.  Between state/district mandates, additional security measures that bind us, ever changing focuses, standards, procedures, and schedules, a lack of appropriate personnel, a lack of timely communication, and a heavy coat of negativity and self-concern, I have felt like a fish out of water.  I start each day with so much hope, yet feel quickly weighted down by the environment.  And from conversations with peers at other schools, it's not just my school having this problem.  I go to work with one purpose in mind: to teach my content the best I can, to love my students with God's love, to support my peers, and to help my school as a whole in whatever capacity I can.  I start my work day by praying for our school beginning the minute I pull through the gates and frequently prayer walk the campus when I arrive.  Yet, lately, the darkness has been overshadowing.

So needless to say feeling so abundantly filled with peace while walking through a deep, dark, scary valley, I became anxious about returning to school.  What if I couldn't stay in the peace?  What if my lack of extra time to stay immersed left gaps?  What if the negativity there was too much?  I know, I know...I was walking on water and took my eyes of Jesus.  As I look back, I can't help but shake my head at the irony.

This week, although a true test of my faith, has been such a lesson in God's provision.  Poison darts of the evil one have been thrown in both my personal and professional environments, but every day God has provided salve for the sting.  From an unexpected hug, to a surprise opening in my schedule that allowed me to get to my Bible/book study, to a flat tire that allowed me time with a dear sister in Christ, to constant refreshing scriptures and music.  If I open my eyes, it is there.  God knew that I needed more this week and so He put divine appointments in my path that reminded me of His presence.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39 NIV

"So do not fear,  for I am with you' do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you wit my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

Thank you, Abba, for your provision of all I need to get back into the swing of things. I know this will not be an easy path.  I know that there will be more pitfalls and boulders, but with my eyes focused on you, I can do it.  Thank you for reminding me that even when we get lost in the muck and mire, you will never leave us or forsake us and if we take the time to be silent and immerse ourselves, we will not only find you, but we will see evidence that you have been with us all along.  Thank you for your sovereignty and for all you are teaching me, even though it is hard.  And thank you for making me Type A so that I never gave up.  May my journey bring you glory.  Amen.


(1) Sharon Garlough Brown's Sensible Shoes Series (specifically volumes 1 &2)

(2)  Micah Taylor Different

Social Media Surprise

I have to admit that I am easily sucked into those little quizzes on Facebook.  It entertains me a little too much to find out which Disney Princess I am, what song tells the story of my life, what I'll look like in 50 years.  It can be quite a rabbit hole of nonsense, so I have been trying to stay away from them.  If fact, with everything going wrong...I mean going on in my life lately, I've been limiting time on social media.  Since I have learned how to post without going on to actual sites, it's made the temptation easier to face.  But yesterday, after doing my chores, I granted myself some frivolous time.  

While scrolling through, I came across a quiz I couldn't say no to: Which Bible verse did God write for you?  Knowing full well that it is just a random generation of verses, I did it anyway.  After all, the worst that would happen is I get a good giggle and the best is that I would find a scripture that I could spend some time with, right?  

Wrong!  I went down a rabbit hole all right.  One that God used to start my year off right.  I spent 25 minutes hitting try again and every scripture was woven together in a blanket of Truth and unconditional love I needed to enter 2020.

"But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength."  2 Timothy 4:17 

"The Lord is on my side; I will not fear."  Psalm 118:6

"God didn't bring you this far to leave you."  Philippians 1:6

"Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7

"Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go."  Genesis 28:15

"'For I know that plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Jeremiah 29:11

"I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."  Psalm 16:8

"For with God nothing shall be impossible."  Luke 1:37

So social media may be a rabbit hole, but as Joseph once said in Genesis 50, "What you have meant for evil, God will use for good."  What thoughts to start a new year with.  2019 may not have been the year I wanted it to be, but thanks be to God, and a silly Facebook quiz, 2020 will start with my mind right where it belongs - focused on the one who is with me all the way.  With Him anything is possible!  Happy New Year!  

New Year's Eve 2019

I've never been a huge fan of New Year's Eve.  For one, I'm not a party person.  Although I often wish I were just to fit in, I'm really more of a hang with my family for game night kind of girl.  I've tried the going out thing, but I'd like to have some friends around.  Of course, I want them on my territory so I don't have to go out.  Someday...

Truth is, I view it as just another day.  I wake up and go to bed and usually long before any ball drops signifying the Cesarean created calendar's end and beginning of a year.

Beyond the actual New Year's Eve stuff, I also hate all the looking back and planning forward.  It all just reminds me how inadequate and unprepared I am.  Yet with all the hub bub from everyone else, your mind can't help but go there.

As I reflect on this year, it's been an exceptionally hard one.  I feel stuck in the middle of a storm watching my world fall apart before my eyes, but truly helpless to do anything about it.  And I feel more alone this year than I have ever felt before in my life, yet my world is crowded beyond belief.  So many are only in my life because I keep trying to hold on to them, help them, be there for them, while I can't even hold on.  Yet I feel guilty for those I have dropped.  It's a lonely place to be. 

And oh, have I missed my daddy this year.  He always knew exactly what to say or do in situations.  After 19 years, I think I miss him now more than ever.  The other night I dreamed of him for the first time in a long time.  I woke up and smelled baked apple, but heard the cabinets slamming (baking and slamming were things he did when frustrated).  I walked down the hallway and saw my mom's tray ready with her tea, toast, and home-grown rosebud.  I didn't check but I'm sure the napkin had a note on it.  Then he turned and saw me; that infectious smile lit his face as he walked over and hugged me with that hug that lets you know everything is going to be okay.  I've never met anyone who could hug like my daddy.  When I awoke from the dream, I found that the silence of the house (it was 3:47am) was deafening and such a letdown to my hurting heart that just keeps pondering if this will be the year things get better.

This morning, after I read one of my morning devotionals, I was irritated and frustrated because it was the same old New Year's Eve "the past reminds me how blessed I am" message.  As I fumed, I started reading the biographies of the contributors to the devotional.  And of course, there were plenty of the ones where everything is perfect in life - side note: author bios are the original Facebook posts; everything is grand and you only see the good.  Then I read one where the writer talks about how all the mishaps finally caught up with her and she was left feeling anxious and unsure.  "It was a season for gathering under God's wing - because that's the only place I feel truly protected and made strong." (1)  Another discussed feeling like it was impossible to escape the heat in life.  Another said her word for the year was transition.  Another ended hers with the news of the death of her husband of 70 years after being cared for at home.  Others talked of self-doubt, changes, struggle, pain.  One listed songs that she listens to when things are too gloomy and heavy to help transform her heart back to its focus of trust (yes, I created a playlist of those and more).  

I know it seems strange, but this brought me such comfort.  Sometimes life is just so overwhelming.  Especially when it feels like everyone else is surfing through life while you are under the board, can't find the bottom to get some footing and the waves keep coming so you can't catch a breath.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are people struggling in the world, but when they're not in your inner circle, they might as well be characters on TV.  And everyone's struggle is different.  A person struggling with a sick child feels very different than one struggling with divorce or addiction.  Truth is we all struggle.  And although our struggles are different, struggling is still hard. 

 Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the way of Christ." I don't believe that this means we won't ever feel alone.  I don't believe this is a command to handle other people's problems or try to control lives or a request to fix things.  I believe that this is a command to reach out, to walk alongside, to listen.  I think it's a call to know that all struggle is hard, and each person is different.  I think we need to love one another.  I think we need to know it's okay to need to let go, to not be able to fix things and to not have all the answers (the control freak in me is getting hives from stating that).  

Scott Walker, a guideposts contributor, says, "Faith is renewed through the broad range of our experiences and emotions." (2)  This is my takeaway from 2019.  Life is more struggle than blessing right now.  And yes, I see blessings too, but they are far outnumbered right now.  But that is okay.  Faith is being renewed.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I cross this bridge from struggle to resolution.  Whether I feel alone or surrounded, I will not stop because hope is what anchors my life.  That hope has been built on the evidence that with God all things are possible.  Evidence that God will use all things from my life for good.  Evidence that weeping may endure for the night (and it's been a LOOOOONNNNGGGG season of nights), but joy will come in the morning.  Evidence that I am not alone, but God will never leave me or forsake me.  That evidence is that past 47 years.  Bring on 2020!

Transforming my Heart Playlist

(1) Carol Knapp; Daily Guideposts 2019; p591

(2) Scott Walker; Daily Guideposts 2019; p602

Favorite Christmas Carols

Every year there is one Christmas carol that becomes my favorite of the season.  Last year it was "When We're Together" from the animated short Olaf's Frozen Adventure.  My heart becomes overwhelmed with lines like, "'Cause when we're together I have everything on my list, and when we're together I have all I wished," or "'Cause when we're together that's my favorite place to be."  Last Christmas, my grandchildren were the fun ages of 1 and 3, my son was a struggling 13-year-old and I was overwhelmed with just how fast time goes and how short life can be.

This year, I've been the one struggling.  Life has been exceptionally messy and difficult this year.  I've found myself weighed down by life and my inability to figure out the next step, or even how I'm feeling in this moment.  I've been praying James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  I believe with every fiber of who I am that God has a plan for me (and my family).  I have absolutely no doubt that He can use all things for good because I've seen Him do it.  Yet I still feel like I'm falling short.  The evidence is overwhelming, and I feel like I'm living in a darkened pit.

This is not the recipe for an awesome Christmas season.  As we started advent, the message was "Be aware and be prepared."  My first reaction was, "Oh, I'm aware...and to prepare, I'll start bracing myself now."  Wait...that's not what he meant.  So, after re-listening to that sermon and the one from Thanksgiving, I started by prayerfully asking God to show me what I needed to be be aware of.  In comes this year's Christmas carol.  

I was driving to a training for work, listening to the "Christmas Focus" playlist I created (my attempt to get my mind right), when Francesca Battistelli's "Be Born in Me" comes on.  From the start the song grabs me:

                             Everything inside me cries for order

                              Everything inside me wants to hide

I start to laugh while talking to God, "I'm pretty confident what I am thinking isn't what she intends here, Abba, but oh is every fiber of me crying for order and every part of me just wants to hide away.  Lord, life has never NOT been messy, so why am I feeling this way?  Years of single parenting, teaching/working, kids with health complications, roller coaster issues and I have never felt so unglued."  Then comes the chorus:

                              Be born in me. Be born in me.

                              Trembling heart, somehow I believe

                              that You chose me

                             

"Oh, Lord, my heart is trembling because somehow, even through all of this, I do believe that You chose me.  You. Chose. Me."

I couldn't get out of my head the next few lines:

                              

                              I'll hold you in the beginning, 

                              You will hold me in the end

                              Every moment in the middle,

                              make my heart your Bethlehem

                              Be born in me

I know this song is an ode to Mary and the birth of baby Jesus, but I kept thinking about how those words spoke of our faith.  When we first find our faith, we hold so tightly onto Jesus, His word and all His promises.  We work hard to build and strengthen our relationship.  And then in the moments that we are struggling; when our faith is weak and our doubts need to be overcome, He holds us.  Every moment in the middle I long for Jesus to make my heart His home - His Bethlehem.  Just to be born in me.

Of course, with my mind pondering this, I completely missed the rest of the song so on repeat it went.  The more it played, the more my mind solidified its thinking.  Then suddenly the bridge became my heart's cry:

                           I am not brave, I'll never be

                           The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy

                           I'm just a girl, nothing more

                           But I am willing; I am Yours

As the tears yet again stream down my face while I write this, I find comfort.  I may not be aware of much right now and I certainly do not feel for prepared for much of anything, much less Christmas.  I don't feel any wiser to deal with the things I'm struggling with and I still feel overwhelmed and unglued.  BUT that's okay.  I'm holding on to Christ and He's holding on to me.  I may not have anything to offer this season, but I am willing, Abba, and gratefully I am Yours.  So, I will continue to be aware of even the littlest blessing and I will continue to prepare my heart by remembering God's promises.  For this year that's enough because here in the middle, He's making my heart His Bethlehem.  

PS I keep thinking that I need to make note somewhere of the song that becomes my favorite each year.  As I think back over what some of them have been, I think they are a testament to where I am at those points in my life.  <3

PPS Here is the link to our sermons, just in case you're looking for some sound teaching:  https://www.buzzsprout.com/522397

A Legacy of Life and Love

The first Maundy Thursday foot washing service I remember was in my teens.  It was just my daddy and I that night, though I don't remember why.  We sat in the 2nd row at St. Peter's having made the journey across the bridge for this event; back when making the journey across the bridge was a bigger deal.  Daddy washed my feet with tear filled eyes reminding me that, like Christ, we are not here to be served, but to serve.  After regaining his composure, he hugged me and told me that it was a great privilege to serve me.  It was a "real" moment for me.  The ones that stick tight to your memories and deep within your heart.  I can close my eyes and go back to that moment so clearly in my mind.  Another tender time we shared.  Who knew that within the next decade, he'd walk his own path to death on an Easter weekend.

These days prepping for Easter are always tough for me.  As busy as it is with all the church services and other busy things going on, it doesn't matter what dates they fall on, they will always remind me of Daddy's final days.  This year they are especially raw.  I'm not sure if it's because the dates are close (he died the 21st), or if it's the number of years that have passed (19), or if it's something with my youngest now being a teen, or if it's because I've been struggling so much with life lately.  I've missed him more in the last year than ever.  I long for his perfect hugs - the smell of his Old Spice that let me know he was near - the deep sigh before he prepared to impart some wisdom, that although I groaned at MANY times, I always tucked away - his goofy humor and many laughs - his ability to put the past in the past and treat each day/experience/mistake as a new one - his love for all things of nature (and his many pictures that never had people) - his never-ending encouragement, especially when he was always in so much pain himself - his ability to always make me believe that everything was going to be okay, no matter what.  I  miss him terribly.

This year's Maundy Thursday service started with a parishioner clasping his hand on my should to say hello.  Something about this man has always reminded me of Daddy, eerily so.  But last night I wasn't looking; I was focused on my thoughts and prayers and it was as if Daddy had walked into the room as he had a million times in my childhood.  It made me jump the familiarity was so strong. 

Throughout the service I was edgy about something.  I could feel my irritation setting on the surface.  I even seriously considered not getting my feet washed with a ton of reasons/excuses to back it up.  But I gave in because it's what Daddy would have wanted me to do... "Let go and let God"  So with intentionality and a mind of stuff, I allowed my feet to be washed.  When done, it was my turn to serve.  I looked up to see whose feet I would be washing.  There, my reluctant teen son was next in line.  Suddenly I, like my daddy so many years before, was overcome.  As I washed his feet with my tear filled eyes, I think I may have known a little of what my daddy felt that night.  So overwhelmed with the privilege of serving this child, yet a little fearful of the enormity of the task. 

Raising children is hard.  Don't get me wrong, it's a privilege and there are wonderful moments.  And it's an honor to believe that God thinks I'm worthy and able to do this most important job.  But, MAN!!!  IT IS HARD!!!  And the older they get, the harder I find it...I've learned I have some control issues.  And most days I look at them and see more ways I've personally failed than succeeded.  As a single mom, I come so short of being all they need.  Then add that there are some medical issues that have made some challenges greater.  And their faith struggles make me feel like I should have done more; it breaks my heart to not be able to fix it.  And even though 2 are adults, there is still so much I want to make sure they've learned.  But most importantly, I hope that I taught them what my daddy taught me: 

1)  To love God with all their heart, soul and mind....it's where hope grows from.  Life has never been easy for me, mostly because I get in my own head and way and that is not a good thing.  But even on the days that I feel like giving up, I can't because I know I have a purpose and plan here, even though I don't know what it is.  God promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plans He has for me; they are plans to prosper me, not to harm me; plans to give me hope and a future.  PLANS.  He never said it would be easy.  He never said there wouldn't be pain.  In fact, He promised there would be challenges and disappointments and hurt.  But He also promised that He could use all things for good and that He would never leave me.  He told me not to fear, but to trust in Him.  And on the days I feel the most hopeless, He reminds me....sometimes it's by overwhelming me with the guilt of leaving this mess I've made behind for someone else to clean up, but those are on the really bad days.  Most days, I'm encouraged to keep trying by His love and His promises.  A love my daddy used to talk to me about all the time.  A love I believe in with everything I am.

2)  To love others.  It never ceased to amaze me (and annoy me during certain points of my life), how my daddy always loved others.  Even when I found a person detestable, Daddy could point out something good.  And he never met a stranger.  It didn't matter what you looked like, smelled like, acted like or what you were going through.  He talked to everyone and about everything.  He could point out everything that you were doing wrong and make you feel like a million bucks about it and you'd walk away encouraged and with hope.  Everywhere we went he knew someone.  But it wasn't because of some power or prestige.  It was because he loved.  He was always willing to help others, no matter what it took of him.  It didn't matter how he felt.  My daddy's medical issues kept him in constant pain, at least for my entire life with him.  Pain they never found a source of, an answer to, nor relief of.  He had more surgeries and device trials than anyone I know.  A pacemaker, a tenz unit - I sometimes thought he was a human science project.  And because of his struggles with addiction, he usually refused to take anything.  He joked to me once that his drugs were Jesus, laughter, Mom and others.  He truly served others with his heart.  He lived his life to the fullest and to the fullest extent he could love.

So as I sit here and reflect on Holy Week, I pray about this legacy of love.  Eternal life given to me through the cross so that I may live, forgiven and free to give eternal love.  I pray that I can make both Daddy and Jesus proud.   I pray that I can look past the outside to just love like they did.  I pray that my fear never gets in the way.  Most of all, I pray that I pass that same legacy on to my children and grandchildren.  And I pray that one day they know the privilege of serving. 

Where's the race taking me????

This morning I was reading a devotional from Katy McCown (First 5).  It ended with this prayer:

"Dear Jesus,
           I want to run the race marked out for me in 2019 with my eyes fixed on You.  Set my pace that it may complement, not compete with, your purposes.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."

Instantly I reached for my journal.  I had to write this down!  I don't do goals or resolutions...they only make me feel bad about myself.  But this prayer?  This was perfectly my heart.  As I was writing, I found myself, like most of us do, making adjustments.  My personal addition to the prayer looks something like this:

Abba,
        I believe with every fiber of my being that you know the plans you have for me.  I believe they are plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  I believe that your plan is to give me hope and future.  I just have no idea what that plan is or which way to go.  I have a tendency to get stuck in the rut of life, Abba.  It becomes my track and I run this race on it.  Afraid to change lanes too much.  Afraid to leave the track and run somewhere else.  Afraid to slow down.  Afraid to look like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.  Unable to focus on anything except everything around me that is trying to threaten my race - schedules, jealousy, confusion, emotion, etc.  Focused on the train wreck I can't seem to avoid, I plow on through as fast as I can. 

But that is NOT what I want for 2019.  I want to run the race YOU have marked our for me.  I want to keep my eyes fixed on you so securely that even when those distractions come, they are no more than a passing glance for you and I to discuss.  I want my pace to complement your purpose for me.  I don't want to compete with you, because I know your way is better.  My pace is exhausting in a life draining sort of way.  Your pace is easy, your endurance is light; your endurance is steadfast.

For 2019, I need you!  You have made it clear to me that I have to make some changes.  There is a restlessness in my heart nudging that it's time.  I am confessing that not only am I terrified, but that I have no idea how to do it or what changes to make.  Be my running partner.  Or even better, my pace car!  Guide me on the path to your plan for me.  Show me the way and the speed.  Put blinders on me to train my eyes (& my heart) to be fixed only on you.  And may 2019 be the year that you want it to be for me; filled with your best, with learning experiences that grow me in you, and without all the pitstops for my wayward injuries from plowing through without you.

2018 was all about grace.  May 2019 be all about your plan.  And may it be the best year yet!

A question for you today

Okay, my faith filled friends.  Deep thoughts:  I want to ask a question I've been pondering for years, but has been weighing on my mind heavily the past few days as I pray for a sweet family I know and follow through a prayer group on Facebook, as well as share with others.  Let me start by sharing a snapshot of their story:

On December 26 their sweet baby son made his entrance into the world to face insurmountable complications from a wrapped cord, including the strong possibility of never waking up.  After many starts and stops, hills and valleys, tests/labs and discussion, the decision was made the on December 31st, to remove the baby from all tubes and allow Jesus to bring him home.  As of 9:30pm January 1st, he is still alive, and decisions are needing to be made for the next step...all of which point to how far to go with assistive measures until he passes - hours, days, weeks, months. or years from now.  People on the prayer site (now 1.7K strong) are now sharing their miracle stories with the family to encourage them through this time.

So here is my question:  How do you pray fully for a miracle but not allow yourself to get selfishly caught up in the expectation that it will happen? 

I believe that God can and does do miraculous things everyday.  I've seen them, read about them and even lived them.  But I find myself praying for this family with caution and worrying about them getting their hopes up based on the miracle stories others are sharing.  Can God choose to save this baby and have him grow and flourish in this world?  Absolutely!  I believe with every fiber of my being that He can.  But what if He doesn't?  What if that is not the plan?  What is this is just a piece of an ever bigger thing we can't see?  God's plan is perfect but we can't always see it all.  We don't know how this moment plays out in the whole picture of God's plan. How do we pray for the miracle but also guard our heart to know that it might not be His plan?  If we declare the miracle - accepting preemptively that it is God's ability and plan, are we veering into our own belief of how it should be, rather than trusting God to do what is best in all that we can't see yet?  Kind of like saying, "I know you CAN do this and so you WILL do this." Demanding in our hearts/expectations as we ask in our prayers.  Then, we get ourselves so assured as we "rest in our knowing" of God's plan that we fall horribly if that is not the path or choice or result.  Then we crack open the door into a crisis of faith as we wonder why God didn't choose us.  Did we do something wrong?  Was our faith not strong enough?  Are we being punished?

I find myself praying with caution:

I know you can do this Abba, but if you don't, give us/me the strength and courage to deal with it, the wisdom and discernment to understand, the peace to accept it, and the faith to hold on in hope for all of your plan.

Is my faith weak?  Do I believe, but struggle with unbelief?  Am I allowing fear to hold me back from the miracle that could occur if I just reached out and touched the hem? Am I being too practical?  Although it is this situation that has my mind here now, it is true for every prayer request I make.  I wonder all the time.

So today's blog is not a statement, but rather a question.  It's a conversation starter and I hope that you will comment where you stand.  I will be continuing to look to God for my strength.  I will be holding on to His promises and searching prayerfully through His word for answers.  Hebrews 6:19 reminds me that "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."  So IMHOPEFUL4EVER!

Just a few of my favorite verses about hope:

You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. Job 11:18

At least there is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its new shoots will not fail.  Job 14:7

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.  Psalm 25:5

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  Psalm 33:20

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.  Psalm 62:5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.  Romans 5:1-5

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Romans 12:12

The truth behind the smile

I am going to be brutally honest.  But first let me set the stage.  Anyone who knows me, knows I
L💓VE Christmas.  I love the music and movies.  I love the lights and decorations and parades and festivities.  I love the clothing and jewelry and head wear.  I love searching for the perfect gift for those closest to me.  I love reading holiday stories and doing holiday crafts and holiday baking.  I love planning the food for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I love the time with family.  And I love the story of baby Jesus' entrance into the world.  I read of it from all of the gospels multiple times and I watch movies about it and listen to music about. I love watching my children and now my grandchildren play with the nativity.  I love to sit in front of our fake fireplace, basking in the light of the Christmas tree, snuggled up in a favorite blanket, just being with my bible and God.  I just love it all. 

This year, I'm struggling.  I've put up the lights and the Christmas tree, even though the interest around didn't seem to call for it.  I started the baking, which my mom and I have shared the duties of the past few years.  The music is playing and the movies are being watched.  Everyday, I try to dress holiday-ish.  I've spent time making holiday bows and finding holiday crafts.  I've cut down on the the festivities in the name of not overwhelming us, but that isn't the truth.  I'm already overwhelmed.  So overwhelmed that I just don't really want to do anything.  I have had hard holidays before, but I don't remember ever feeling quite this bad.  And as I have sat this morning thinking about it, and talking to God, I realize I'm not alone.

So many people hide behind a smile at this time of year.  The family that just lost their son.  The woman mourning her first Christmas as a single mom.  The man who just lost his job.  The person mourning the end of a long term relationship.  Those celebrating the first Christmas without someone.  Those traveling hundreds of miles hoping for a cure for their loved one.  Those facing diagnoses.  Those facing the fact that they can't even afford to support their family.  Those watching family members make decisions that are hurting others.  So many are struggling. 

At first, I find I'm angry with myself.  How dare I be feeling like this when I'm not facing death or disease or divorce.  But then I realize, we all have pain and to try to take the feelings out of it just creates more pain.  Life is full of change.  Right now I can't even decide if the change is coming too fast, or actually not fast enough.  I feel like I'm in a stage of waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for things to get better...waiting for some type of resolution or closure. 

I changed jobs at work.  It is pushing me to the limits of myself.  I love what I'm learning, but I'm overwhelmed by how much I didn't know I don't know.  I work with a great group of people, but they are all overwhelmed and busy too.  I skip lunch, often work through my dinner, and even late at night.  More than I have in years.  Instead of 15-25 students looking to me, I now have over 700.  I want so badly to do a good job. 

At home things are equally crazy.  Our schedules change daily (but not in a routine change like the daily change at work).  Between sports, school, grandkids, doctors...there is never enough days in the week.  Add in trying to figure out meals, helping one daughter balance the changes in her life, worrying about the other daughter finding balance for herself in hers.

At home I find myself short and impatient.  I'm living under this weight of responsibility.  More so, I'm living under this cloud of constant pending failure.  I have family members hurting both physically and emotionally, but I can't find a way to make it less or fix it.  My son is growing through a time of growth and it's not all positive.  I'm failing to teach him the positive, right ways to handle things and he's drawn to a choices I don't approve of.  He's struggling with things, but getting a child with a social-emotional communication disorder to open up?  I think I have a greater chance of walking on water.  I miss the days of snuggling up for bible stories.  Then there are my grandchildren.  They are so precious and I love getting to see them every day.  I love hearing my granddaughter make up songs, or gasp in excitement as she sees Christmas decorations, or retell me stories we've shared as if they really happened.  "Do you remember, Grandma?  Do you remember when that silly boy saw it?  It was so silly, Grandma!"  (insert heart melting)  Or watching my grandson start to realize things have a purpose: driving his cars, trucks, planes down the hallway; stacking things to reach higher heights (and pouting when we take them down); pretending to use the vacuum and investigating why it doesn't make a sound (it's not turned on); heading to the radio when he wants music; going to find whatever he actually wants because he realizes what it is.  It's so wonderful!  Until I realize that while it is so easy to be with them, my son is feeling my divided attention and we circle back to the previous.  But then, they are struggling too.  Their life and family have changed this year and part of that change has taken a toll on them.  There is a sense of anxiousness and worry.  And they are toddlers so there is alot of teaching of expectations and procedures.  I've yet to meet the toddler who likes that.  My mother is aging and it shows.  We keep trying to make life easier for her, but instead it seems to cause more stress on everyone.

See?  Nothing necessarily earth shattering, yet.  Just overwhelming.  And I feel like in all these situations, it's my responsibility.  I'm the mom, the teacher, the caregiver, the support.  Is everyone really looking to me?  Or is that my control issues?  Can I have control issues when I've never had control of anything....ever?  Control is something that always feels just out of reach.  (I actually laughed at that statement)

I don't have answers in today's blog.  In fact, as I sit here typing this, I'm thinking about all the other things I should be/could be doing.  Like finishing up that pre-observation paperwork or finishing my Christmas cards.  But my heart says that there I am not alone hiding behind my smile.  That there are others that are smiling and going on with Christmas this year, while inside feeling less than festive.  We do it for those we love.  And for me, I do it for Christ.  Mary was overwhelmed and she still carried on the job God gave her.  Joseph, well Joseph had to feel overwhelmed.  In on something he couldn't fully understand.  Yet he carried on and supported those he loved.  And Jesus.  Baby Jesus born in a messy, smelly manger with animals all around him and the world and unpleasant place.  And as he grew, the dissension and challenges grew.  And then finally, he faced the cross.  What an overwhelming time: friends betraying you, people hating you, facing an insurmountable challenge that you really don't want to do, and knowing that although some would be so grateful, as the years went by it would be minimalized and people would turn back to their own paths.  Yet, he never gave up.  If he can do all that in love for us, the least I can do is keep trying. 

So, I cry out the beautiful bridge from Francesca Battestelli's Be Born in Me, "I am not brave.  I'll never be.  The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.  I'm just a girl, nothing more, but I am willing. I am Yours."  Abba, I am yours and that is why I can wake up every morning with hope.  I will continue to persevere.  I will trust in you for the strength to get through.  I know you know the plans you have for me and one day I will look back and see how all of this worked for good, as I have so many times before.  Please, help me find your joy and your peace.  And as I pray this for me, Abba, I pray it for all those who are not feeling quite right.  Whether it be a stressed out life, or a moment of devastating loss, be with them.  Fill them and surround them with the peace that passes ALL understanding.  And may their gift be joy.  That joy that comes even amidst the hardest moments in life.  I love you, Abba.