Has anything ever happened that caused you to distance yourself from God or other people? How does it make you feel to know Jesus understands, and He is still there with you every minute of every day? When do you need His assurance and presence most?
I distance myself from other people all the time. I feel like my life makes me appear so needy and I don’t want to be a burden. I feel like God gave me this walk, I should be able to handle it. Plus I know that people judge me based on my life…I’m not who I thought I would be. I can’t keep up with others and I don’t want to hear about what I’m not or what I’ve done wrong. Plus the more time I spend with others, the greater the reminder of all they have that I don’t. So to avoid temptation, I often keep to myself. I do think that I sometimes distance myself from God, but not intentionally. I think that I get so caught up in daily life that I forget to fill myself with the time I so need with Him. I’ll still say a quick prayer, but just like a little snack can’t give you the energy you need for the long term, neither can a quick prayer feed me spiritually for long.
As far as how it feels to know Jesus is there - I always know He’s there and that He cares. I’m not sure I’ve totally grasped the understanding part, yet, but I know He’s there. I don’t understand sometimes how He could care for me when I’m such a mess or goof up pretty bad, but I don’t find comfort that He is with me. Sometimes I feel guilty that He has to be there so much and feel guilty asking for His help when there are so many other people and other things that need His attention. That’s something I’ve not been able to come to terms with yet.
As for when I need His assurance and presence the most…I don’t think there’s a time I don’t need it. The dailyness of life in itself can get overwhelming at times, especially alone: the financial issues, the how to get everyone where they need to be, the dealing with work and homework and housework. However, I know I need His assurance most lately when I’m sick or Ben’s having a rough day or my daughter’s isolate themselves or I think about what steps to take next. I find lately, a sense of intense fear lately comes over me during these times. I find myself, like a mantra, thinking “Do not be afraid for You are with me always. I know the plans You have for me. You can make all things work for good. I don’t have to fear because Your perfect love casts out all fear.” And recently, I find myself adding in, “Now I only know in part, but one day I will know fully.” Sometimes I feel like I’m just saying words and sometimes it works. As I type this I think I might need to add, “Help me in my unbelief,” when it feels like just words. I know in my head it is Truth, but I think sometimes the unbelief sinks to my heart.
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