Reflection and Discussion Ch7 Q2

            Do your failures ever feel final or fatal?  If so, describe a time when you failed and how you let it define you.

Of course my failures have felt final or fatal before.  I’m a teacher by day and single mom of 3 by life – so by society’s standards I’m single handedly responsible for the down fall of all kids!  J  

I think a time it truly has defined me has been with my son.  I made a mistake and let a friendship become intimate that should not have and ended up pregnant.  I knew this person would not make our relationship more permanent than it was.  After all, what drew up into friendship was our brokenness, low self confidence and single parenting (our daughters were friends) When I decided that I was going to keep the baby, I hurt so many people.  My friend because I chose the life inside me instead of him; my daughters because I had professed and taught purity, plus I was changing the dynamics of our family (they were 11 and 14 when he was born); my son because in choosing him, I chose a life for him without his father; my friend’s daughter because she would grow up with a brother whose life she wouldn’t be a part of; my family because I was barely making ends meet before and adding another child into the equation would mean less for everyone; our friends because they were put into the middle; God…so many people hurt.  I knew keeping my son was what God called me to because from the time I prayerfully made that decision I felt a peace beyond anything I had EVER felt before.  Although I knew that, I let the feelings of failing everyone (& a little help from Satan’s prevocational whispers) truly define me and everything that happened for years. 

·         My son was born early with lungs that didn’t work yet – my fault for the anxiety that was life (although I was at peace about having him, any pregnancy is stressful but I was working full time when the doctor wanted bed rest, our apartment was being sold as a condo and we couldn’t afford to buy it, I couldn’t find a place to move to that wouldn’t mean a long travel to work and changing the girls’ districts...)

·         He has many physical challenges – my fault for getting pregnant

·         He was diagnosed as autistic then Aspergers – my fault for getting pregnant

·         My daughters felt pushed aside and unimportant– my fault for changing the family dynamic

·         Our financial situation tanked – my fault for changing life

·         I was spread too thin – my fault for being me

·         I had to miss things for the girls – my fault for early bedtime and the need for ritual

·         My mom had to give up stuff to keep him while I was at work – my fault for not making enough to cover child care

·         My brother had to help me – my fault for not being able to take a second job

·         My oldest became provocative in college – my fault for having a baby out of wedlock

·         She also began drinking – my fault for not being more for her

·         I took a huge pay cut – my fault for trying to be closer to home

·         I use up all my sick days at work – my fault for having a sick child

Until God hit me with a 2 X 4 and showed me the blessings that pregnancy has brought to so many, that one failure (albeit a big one) defined (and sometimes still defines) every aspect of who I am and what I did.  God could have prevented that pregnancy.  God could have placed that child with someone else.  My son was never a mistake.  God chose to bring him into this world and chose me to be his mother and the world is a better place for it.  The lives he’s touched, the smiles he’s brought, the faith he’s living on…  I might have failed to make a good choice, but God can use all things for His good and He has done just that with this.  Praise be to Him!!!!  Thank you, God!