Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q7

         What lesson from this chapter will you walk away with and hold onto so you can live in the security of God’s approval and acceptance?

I am going to work on reaching out when I feel FINE.  I hide so far behind my mask, going to the well at the hardest time of day.  I am going to work to trust the Truth that not only is God with me, but with the prayers and encouragement of others, I will know my security in Him.  I have a long way to go and I know I will be returning to this chapter again…soon.

Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q6

           Reread Sam’s story in John 4, asking Jesus to meet you there and show you things in your heart that need His repair.  Is there part of my story or Sam’s story that you relate to most?

I can really relate to her ability to try to change the subject.  I know that I often feel like I don’t have a right to ask so much of God, so I try to change the subject because I need to have Him near me and I need to talk to Him, but am afraid to ask too much…I don’t want to be any more of a burden to Him. 

I also think that her incredulous nature of questioning everything He says, is very me.  Maybe that’s just me putting myself in her place, but I feel like I know her tone of voice, her word emphasis; almost like I hear her talking when I read it. 

J: Will you give me a drink?

S: (looking around to see who He’s talking to) How can you ask me for a drink?

I think maybe that’s why I have such a hard time saying no to people when they ask me for something; because I can’t believe they would find me worthy enough to even ask. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q5

            Has anything ever happened that caused you to distance yourself from God or other people?  How does it make you feel to know Jesus understands, and He is still there with you every minute of every day?  When do you need His assurance and presence most?

I distance myself from other people all the time.  I feel like my life makes me appear so needy and I don’t want to be a burden.  I feel like God gave me this walk, I should be able to handle it.  Plus I know that people judge me based on my life…I’m not who I thought I would be.  I can’t keep up with others and I don’t want to hear about what I’m not or what I’ve done wrong.  Plus the more time I spend with others, the greater the reminder of all they have that I don’t.  So to avoid temptation, I often keep to myself.    I do think that I sometimes distance myself from God, but not intentionally.  I think that I get so caught up in daily life that I forget to fill myself with the time I so need with Him.  I’ll still say a quick prayer, but just like a little snack can’t give you the energy you need for the long term, neither can a quick prayer feed me spiritually for long. 

As far as how it feels to know Jesus is there - I always know He’s there and that He cares.  I’m not sure I’ve totally grasped the understanding part, yet, but I know He’s there.  I don’t understand sometimes how He could care for me when I’m such a mess or goof up pretty bad, but I don’t find comfort that He is with me.  Sometimes I feel guilty that He has to be there so much and feel guilty asking for His help when there are so many other people and other things that need His attention.  That’s something I’ve not been able to come to terms with yet.

As for when I need His assurance and presence the most…I don’t think there’s a time I don’t need it.  The dailyness of life in itself can get overwhelming at times, especially alone:  the financial issues, the how to get everyone where they need to be, the dealing with work and homework and housework.  However, I know I need His assurance most lately when I’m sick or Ben’s having a rough day or my daughter’s isolate themselves or I think about what steps to take next.  I find lately, a sense of intense fear lately comes over me during these times.  I find myself, like a mantra, thinking “Do not be afraid for You are with me always.  I know the plans You have for me.  You can make all things work for good.  I don’t have to fear because Your perfect love casts out all fear.”  And recently, I find myself adding in, “Now I only know in part, but one day I will know fully.”  Sometimes I feel like I’m just saying words and sometimes it works.  As I type this I think I might need to add, “Help me in my unbelief,” when it feels like just words.  I know in my head it is Truth, but I think sometimes the unbelief sinks to my heart. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q4

        Jesus wants to create a safe place for you to be transparent with Him where you can ask questions and be real about your desires, doubts, disappointments, and dreams.  He knows you and wants you to really Know Him.  Is the thought of this kind of relationship with God comforting or uncomfortable, and why ?

I find it both.  It’s comforting to know that God loves me so much that He wants to create a safe place for me where I can just be real and get to know Him and be known, regardless of what I’ve done all because He loves me for who I am.  However, it’s uncomfortable because then I have to face the real.  Although God sees more than I do, because He sees the finished jar of clay I will become, society’s pressures/ideals are still thrust at me.  When I deal with the reality of me and my life, those ideals and temptations are also thrust at me.  I need to break down that wall and trust God that He is greater and that when I am weak He is strong enough even to handle society because what He offers will bring me life and life abundantly rather than death and condemnation.

Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q3

            Do you ever feel you are the only one who struggles with insecurity or doubt?  Why or why not?

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that I’m the only one who struggles with insecurity or doubt, but I know I often feel alone with MY insecurity or doubt.  Most people I know of that I see struggling, it’s because they have had a horrible incident in their childhood or now.  I didn’t.  My childhood wasn’t horrible.  I had 2 parents.  We lived in a nice area and I was provided a comfortable lifestyle.  There was stuff going on with my dad being so sick, but I didn’t really know the extent of all that until I was older.  And now, I’m surrounded by married couples with healthy children and 2 incomes (even if they’re small) or the single people I know are either in a relationship (so not really single) or much older.  The latter don’t have children living at home, the former has someone to lean on.  So I feel very isolated in that because I’m alone, with children that have issues and work so hard but can’t make ends meet.  I think somehow I’ve been convinced that if you are married it gives you someone who knows what goes on behind the closed doors.  Not necessarily easier, but someone sees behind the mask.  The older singles I know seem to travel in groups, but I don’t fit in to their groups.  I know others struggle with insecurity and doubt.  Ironically, I work hard to pray for and encourage those struggling, yet somehow I can seem to find that same encouragement, nor do the words I share with them seem to heal or help my own hurting heart.

Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q2

       How does your childhood perception of God compare to what you see in Christ through His interaction with Sam?  List the similarities and differences.

I think the biggest similarity I see is that Christ is really the only one who knows me, just as He knew Sam.  Like Sam, I have a tendency to avoid people, maybe not physically, but I definitely hide behind a mask as she did behind the time of day, but I can’t hide from God.  He brings me comfort and makes me feel like I can always come to Him because He already knows.  Like Sam, sometimes I find that disconcerting, but there’s great peace in it.  I find that God is with me no matter what I’ve done and He’s offering me more.  He’s kind, where others are unkind and judgmental.  He’s direct about my missteps but continues to show me love, where others justify to my face and criticize when my back is turned.  He makes me feel loved while others (or maybe it’s me) make me feel small and like nothing.  He has always appeared in my life when I feel the most alone – sometimes through a person or a song or a prayer or a scripture or a book study like this one or a whisper in my heart. 

I don’t see a lot of differences in His interaction with Sam and me except for the physical presence.  For me God was always there.  For Sam, He was physically present before she felt Him in her life. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch2 Q1

      Think back to your childhood and your first memory of God.  Describe your image of Him growing up.

I can’t even remember my first memory of God.  I’ve always gone to church and Sunday School, read the Bible and been told Bible stories.  I went through the rituals of growing up in the church: baptism, 1^st communion (back when we had that), confirmation, serving on the altar, youth group, church retreats and camps, teaching Sunday School, working in the nursery, joining the Altar guild, helping where I could and so on.  I can’t remember a time that it wasn’t just part of who I am…like an appendage is missing if I didn’t/don’t do it.

When I was child, I saw God as an imaginary friend almost.  He was always there, but no one could see Him.  I never questioned it; He just was.  I could talk to Him or play with Him when no one was around.  As I grew, it was as I said earlier, it was like He was an appendage; just part of me.  I don’t know that I ever really thought about my “image” of Him – He was just there. 

I will say that during my years as a teenager, I remember the learning the most about God's provision.  I was always amazed that at the times when things seemed roughest it was always about then a church retreat or celebration would come up and I would see people that I only saw in my “church world.”  And I would be so refreshed and feel ready to go back to the “real world” by the end of the day or weekend.  I remember thinking that my friend, Kevin, was really an angel because he seemed to love me just as I was and would “show up” when I needed a friend and say something like, “I just had a feeling you needed a hug right now,”  and I would know that was God sending him.  I developed a 6 year crush on him.  J  However, he never really knew me…the me that only God knows, but because I knew him and about his life - he was so big and popular and damaged and yet loved God - it was an approval I developed a need and somehow I wrongly equated it with approval or encouragement from God, a cycle that continued from there.  I still love Kevin – as a friend I never see or hear from – but I know now, like Sam, he was one more way I was searching for something/someone to validate me in a way only God can really offer.

Chapter 2 Overview

Because God's Love is Perfect, I Don't Have to Be

"It is a rare sould indeed who has been sought after for who she is - not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself . . . so what are we to conclude?  Often we conclude that there is nothing in our hearts worth knowing.  Whoever and whatever this mystery called I must be, it cannot be much."  John Eldredge and Brent Curtis (The Sacred Romance p. 83)

Chapter 2 begins with a story of a time Renee came home to notice a envelope taped to her door.  Sure that it must be something good, like a thank you, she excitedly opens it to find a notice from their HOA stating the front of their house needed repairs and painting within 30 days or a fine would be issued.  She continues to talk about how her frustration.  From a distance the home looked fine.  The only way someone could tell the work was needed was to get up close and really look.  She compared this to our lives.  In an effort not to be labeled high maintenance, we just keep people at a distance where we can keep our mask of fine in place. 

She talked about the acronym fine = FRAZZLED, IRRITATED, NEUROTIC, and EXHAUSTED.  She also discussed possible reasons we might say that we're fine:
* we want to be fine
* we hope that by saying it, eventually it will be so
* others expect us to be
But the Truth and the reality is, we're not fine and we will eventually reach a point that we can no longer pretend.  Being honest about how we feel is risky, especially with our insecurities.  We believe that people see our doubts they will not only see them, but then add to them.  This leads us to pretend which leads us to hide and isolate when what we really need is someone to pursue us and accept us, flaws and all. 

Renee then discusses the Gospel of John, chapter 4.  It is the story of the Samaritan woman at the well.  She has nicknamed her Sam.  Sam lived a life where she was a societal outcast.  She was judged by her culture so badly that she comes to the well during the hottest part of the day, when her work load would be so much more tasking, yet she would not face others.  She has searched for years for acceptance, love, and approval and only found herself discarded and unworthy, leaving her to feel imperfect, ashamed and unloved.  In comes Jesus.  She didn't know Him, but boy did He know her.  Even though his culture did not approve of men talking to women in public places, not to mention that she was a Samaritan, the most despised of all enemies. . .yet He was there.  He spoke with kindness, gentleness and humility.  He accepted her, even after showing her that He knew exactly who she was and what her life had been like.  He met her while she was alone and sad and He is waiting for us too - to love us, to accept us, to Know us and have us Know Him.  His love is patient and kind and keeps no record of wrong doing. . .His love is perfect and that perfect love casts out the fear that our doubts can leave.  Only when we allow this love to penetrate our walls, when we allow Him to enter our lives, can He begin to help us change from the shadow of our doubt into the basking of His light. 

Praying God's Promises

May the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that I may know Him better.  I want to know and rely on the love You have for me, Jesus, and live in that love.  You say that whoever lives in love lives in You, and You in him.  In this way, love is made complete in me, so that I can have confidence today and forever.  I want an up close and personal relationship with You, one where I don’t have to pretend or hide.

When I feel insecure, insignificant or unloved, remind me of Your perfect love that has the power to cast out my fear.  Thank you for Your love that is patient, is kind, and keeps no record of my wrongs.  I trust that because Your love is perfect, I don’t have to be.  I will remain in Your love and be confident of this: that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Scriptures to Lean On
John 4 (Sam's Story)

Reflection and Discussion Ch1 Q7

           Read Jeremiah 17:7.  What does this verse promise and encourage you to do?  Think of one situation where you could live in the power of this promise and describe what that would look like this week.

Jeremiah 17:7 “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

This verse promises that if I trust in the Lord and put my confidence in Him, that I will be blessed.  It encourages me to trust and put my confidence in the one who made me.

For this week, I, like always, am going to use this verse to just get me through the week and the incidents involved.  But specifically, I am going to try to stop worrying about the things I can’t control (traffic, my boss, parents of my students, results, wait time, etc.)  I’m going to trust that God brought me here and that it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.  It’s going to look like this verse on my hand in permanent marker as a reminder and me doing a lot of praying.  I’m open to suggestions for what else it will look like!

Reflection and Discussion Ch1 Q6

    How would you describe a woman with a confident heart?

I can’t think how to describe them without the words confident or sure.  They hold their head up in all circumstances.  They seem tall, but not in a height way…maybe erect is a better word.  They smile and find joy in even the darkest times.  They don’t seem to care what others say, but not in a cocky or pretentious way.  I truly am finding that this doesn’t describe very well what I’m picturing in my head.  When I think of a woman with a confident heart faces come to mind of women I see that way.

Reflection and Discussion Ch1 Q5

      What do you think hinders you most from living with God-confidence on a consistent basis?  Is there a promise listed about that speaks to your greatest need right now?

My insecurity.  I think it is deep rooted and every time I begin to break it down something happens and makes the wall even stronger and higher.  For example, I begin to feel God working in me, and start to feel the insecurity break down to where I can hold my head up and start to see promise then one daughter gets mercy (again) which makes her sister mad causing turmoil within the family, my other daughter gets sick with a 1 in a million reaction and is (appropriately) miserable, my son has test results/observations that show some new diagnosis or concern.  The extra costs make me unable to pay bills.  The time takes me from work, so I try to plan as much on my own time and far in advance, make calls during  lunch/planning and take half days pushing time and speed limits, but traffic makes me run late and all this keeps my boss and coworkers questioning my loyalty to work and again the walls are formed.  Once the challenges start, I become so overwhelmed I can only see how alone I am in this world and I start to see reasons why I’m alone and why I’m unlovable and why I fail at everything and how I’m letting everyone down.  (and all of that is just 7 day’s worth of “life”)

A friend once told me that she knows God and I are close and He has big things for me because of the way Satan attacks me.  I think I’ve made myself an easy target. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch1 Q4

      Describe what happens in your heart when you read God’s words:

a.      “Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”  Isaish 49:23

b.      “See, I am doing a new thing!”  Isaiah 43:19

c.       “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

d.      “All things are possible to [her] who believes.”  Mark 9:23

At first they literally lighten my heart.  And for a short time they even give me a new sense of purpose and drive.  However, eventually those doubt whispers become larger.  I believe in absolutely every one of these scriptures.  I just also believe they can’t possibly come to fruition in this life.  “For now I see and understand in part, but one day I will see and understand fully.” (paraphrased from 1 Corinithians 13)

Reflection and Discussion Ch1 Q3

      Describe how it makes you feel when doubt whispers:

a.      “I can’t do this.”

b.      “Things will never change.”

c.       “My life isn’t going to get better.”

d.      “It’s too hard.”

e.      “I might as well quit.”

All of these, except e, feel more like truths in my life right now than doubts.  Life is so hard and even though I know one day I’ll look back and see Truth, these are everyday feelings for me.  I said except e because I apparently am not only stubborn, but have a bit of a sadistic side to me.  I can’t seem to quit or let go.  I will continue to beat my head against the wall until the wall comes down or I split my head rather than quit.  Some of that is a God thing – I know that He calls us to persevere and that He can work all things for good and that He has a plan and I’m so determined to trust in Him that I won’t give up. 

A-D are crippling at times for me.  Even just yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, but finally did feeling so sure God wanted me to go to a funeral, but because of my doubts (b, c, and d) stranding me in bed, when I did get out then I was rushed and flustered and a-d just because more evident so that I spent the entire day fighting depression about what a failure I am, seeing only faults, and even comparing myself to everyone around me which just magnifies everything.

Refelction and Discussion Ch1 Q2

Has insecurity ever kept you from doing something?

Absolutely.  Growing up it kept me from being myself; I always tried to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be and that just made me a liar.  Some days it keeps me from leaving my house.  It definitely keeps me from opening my doors to anyone coming in.  I keeps me home on Friday nights.  I seldom go to parties.  When I do go out, I'm overly nervous the entire time.  I get sick to my stomach taking my family out in public.  And right now it has me tied to this geographic area.  Insecurity definitely keeps me from living a full life because those doubt whispers feel more like truths when I look in the mirror.

Reflection and Discussion Ch1 Q1

What is your earliest memory of doubting yourself of feeling insecure?

Honestly, as I sit here and think back I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel insecure.  I remember in preschool feeling like everything was more important than me to my family.  Almost like I was invisible.  My dad was gone a lot, my mom always had meetings or bowling and Jim was just always bigger than life.  I remember feeling like I was always being somewhere else growing up: dance, baton, bluebirds, Indian princesses, the neighbor’s, Grandma’s.  I know that can’t be all there was, but it’s what sticks out in my head.  I also know now, as a mom, that it was probably more that my parents wanted me to have every opportunity rather than “getting rid of me,” but at that time, I didn’t see it and it started an insecurity that just grew.  I also know that my dad was sick during my growing up years and my parents tried to keep me from the reality of how hard it was; to protect me.  I think, though, that in my little head I believed everyone was keeping secrets from me.  I know as I got older, it didn’t feel like protection, it felt like they didn’t trust me.

Chapter 1 overview

Discovering the Shadow of My Doubts

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."  Hebrews 10:35-36

In chapter one, Renee uses the analogy of a 9 foot shadow on her floor in comparison to her five foot 2 inch frame.  The shadow was so much larger than the reality and it existed distorting her shape, but she could only stand in the shadow when she turned away from the light.  Much like that shadow, doubt becomes bigger than who we really are.  We become paralyzed by insecurity and whispers of doubt: "I can't do this." "Things will never change." "My life isn't going to get better." "You might as well quit."  Some of us are very good at hiding these doubts, but they still have a paralyzing power on our lives.  THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD WANTS.  He doesn't want us stuck in a cycle of defeat or living in shadows of doubt.  Hope and doubt cannot live in our hearts at the same time.  Change is possible.  We need to begin by not just believing IN God, but by believing God; that His word is true.  We need to let His Word change the way we think, which will change the way we feel and the way we live.

Praying God's Promises (copied from book; pg. 26)

Lord, I pray that You would give me a confident heart in Christ.  Take me beyond believing in You to truly believing You.  Help me rely on the power of Your promises and live like they are true.  You say blessed is the one who trusts in You and whose hope and confidence are found in You.  Those who hope in You will not be disappointed, because You work all things together for good for those who love You and are called according to Your purpose.

When self-doubt tells me I can’t overcome my insecurities, I will believe You promise that all things are possible to whoever believes.  I will not throw away my confidence, because You say it will be richly rewarded.  I will persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I will receive what You have promised.  My confidence is in Christ and I am no longer one who shrinks back and is destroyed, but one who believes and is saved!  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Scriptures to lean on:
Isaiah 49:23 "Then you will know that I am the Lord.  Those who hope in me will not be disappointed."
Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing!"
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Mark 9:23 NASB "All things are possible to him who believes."
Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good pleasing and perfect will."
1 John 5:14 NASB "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
Romans 10:17 "faith comes from hearing, and hearing the word of Christ"

How I'm going to do this

First of all, I want to say that I'm a little nervous about this.  As I was preparing for it, I realized how laid bare my life is going to be.  I won't be able to hide behind the smile and okays that have become my accessories.  This is very different from being face-to-face with a group of people.  This is very permanent and very wide.  That's hard for someone like me who has spent so many years hiding behind a mask.  It's also hard because I so often worry about how what I say will sound because for some reason things always sound so much better in my head!  :)  But I'm trusting God because I know He called me to this so I pray that He will bless it.  Know that anything you share, you are sharing in love, not judgement.  I want you to feel free to express yourself as well. 
2nd, I know that not everyone who reads this blog, may be reading the book that I am basing it on, so I will do a quick overview of each chapter.  Then each day I will post a question or 2.  I'm hoping that you will answer too.  Right now, I'm very alone, but that's okay because I know God will use this how He chooses: a personal diary for me, a place where friends come to meet and grow, or a happenstance of a stranger that needs something written here.  To God be the glory for whatever it becomes.