Conquering bleh!

Somehow (and I say that with a sparkle in my eye because I don't believe in coincidence) my Lent has seemed to start out with an emphasis on finding joy in all things.  Whether through encouraging words to a friend (that led to being used right back on me), devotionals, music, bible study, scriptural study on Wednesday...joy keeps coming up.  So I am working hard to use the search for joy in all things to conquer the low moments I've been feeling.  

Lately I just feel so, well, bleh.  I know, it's a very technical term.  I'm tired all the time, teary at everything, grumpy, sad, frustrated...these words don't do it justice.  I feel bleh.  I've considered blaming the weather - I don't mind the cold at all, but not enough sunny days, too overcast all the time.  I've tried blaming the situations in life: overworked, overwhelmed, under paid, misunderstood...but even when true, it doesn't help, it's just the way life is.  I wake up every morning, start my day in prayer with a commitment to try harder, but then the temptation to let the little things get to me creeps in and boy, have I been losing that battle!  I feel like every night I'm crying out to God with apology for a lousy day.

Wednesday we did lectio divina at church.  All that quiet and necessary being still was really hard for me after a long day...it's a common joke that I don't know how to relax. (unfunny part is the truth - to me relaxing is only going 50 mph through life instead of 150!). Especially this day.  It was filled with questions I didn't have answers to, people messing with my friends, interruptions in everything I needed to do, I left work late with only one thing taken off my VERY long to-do list because so many fires popped up along the way that needed to be put out.  Then I'm pulling exasperated into a space a church (with a happy meal for my son because I didn't have time to stop at home and get the well balanced pre-prepared dinner I made him) and the phone rings...it was my boss with a question about something I'm not even in charge of!  So instead of going home and pounding off my energy with a walk around the block, dancing in the kitchen, or even just busily rocking to music while making dinner or lunches, I had to sit still and quiet and I was next to my mom, so no fiddling.  Oi vey!  But oh the blessing!  Our lectio divina was using psalm 51.  When doing lectio divina with a group, there are some rules (another not so strong suit of mine - sometimes I wonder how I survive with all my not so strong suits...but for the grace of God).  Part of the process is to have the scripture read 3 times (now you see the need for quiet).  The first time, you are listening and just looking for a word or phrase that touches the heart. Give me the JOY of your saving help AGAIN.  The second time (read by opposite gender as first) you are seeing or hearing Christ in the text.  JOY in all things and AGAIN, as in new every morning, because joy comes in the morning as I've (God) told you.  The third time (switch gender of reader again) is "for the purpose of experiencing Christ 'calling us forth' into doing or being."  Be joyful in all things, because again and again I am with you.  Then each person in the group prayers for the person on their right based on what they've shared through this process.  

If you read my last post, you knew I'd had an Epiphany on Tuesday, and then this on Wednesday.  So things started getting better and easier, the end.  Don't I wish!!!  Thursday, I woke up renewed and refreshed and ready to try again.  I did a little better, but still more flop than success.  And my poor friend and co-workers tried so hard to keep me on track and yet, I just lost the fight to temptation and bleh.  Thursday night, I didn't sleep well.  I was so bothered by my failure.  That's when I realized I have to be more intentional in pointing out the joy, the blessings.  I can't beat temptation with just my good intentions.  I need to constantly remind myself.  That means sharing.   So let's turn this ship around...right now!

Annoyance / Joy:

Everyone asking me questions / people know I am approachable and will work to help them find a solution

Working until 10:30 on a Friday night chaperoning kids to a YES performance / I was able to see the Russian National Ballet perform Cinderella...for free!  As a young girl I dreamed of this!  I never would have been able to afford to see this or expose Ben to this.  Plus we got to spend the evening together without any interruptions.  

Working on a Saturday from 8-1:30(ish) / I have the opportunity to learn from teachers all over the county, share their ideas and discuss our frustrations as we prepare for the 4th grading period

Being up early on a Saturday / my daughter in college texted with a problem/frustration at 4 am and I was already awake and could be there for her...even if it was just to listen and pray for her

I have to work on Sunday (another YES  performance) / another chance to expose Ben to some culture we couldn't usually afford to see, plus I love seeing him so exciting about the work of Pavarotti.  

Constant interruptions to help others / a chance to be a blessing in someone else's life

I could go on, but you get the point.  For me, sometimes, just thinking isn't enough.  I need to speak it or write out.  Share it with others.  Just a reminder that if we choose life, there is joy.  Every day.  Renewed.  Again.  And ours for the taking.

Lord, thank you for not letting bleh win.  I know I'm not last it, but with your grace and guidance and speaking to my heart, I'm finding my way. Out of the bleh and into the Light!  In you, I can do this!!!  I love you for loving me so much to walk this path with me...even when I'm out of sort.  Thank you for always being here.  In your name I pray and praise!  Amen!

Don't Mess With My Balls!!

Yesterday was one of those days.  I've grown very adept at putting on my mask, hopefully the smile one and moving through life like things are okay even when I feel the exact opposite.  Don't get me wrong, I have my passionate tirades like everyone, but for the most part, I try to be upbeat and I live to serve others.  The reality of my life, as few really know, is much heavier.  Things aren't always as they seem and sometimes the perfectly "normal" can be unperfectly chaotically and broken.  Sometimes dark clouds overcast my world or gray snowy skies better match my insides.  I wake up each morning during this times and try to find the rainbow or make the snow glisten...it can get exhausting!

Have you ever seen the movie "One Fine Day" with Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney?  As a single mom I love this movie.  My favorite line in the movie comes from Michelle Pfeiffer as she is explaining why she doesn't need help from the carefree, roll with the punches, usually only for the weekend dad, played by Clooney, "I've got all these little balls in the air and if someone caught one of them for me, I'd probably drop all of them." 

Yesterday was one of those days where reality decided to stand up and get real with me.  Everything was chaotically off balance.  Nothing was staying juggled the way I like it.  It was nothing earth shattering or horrible.  Some of it wasn't even as bad as it's been before.  But that gray cloud that has been hovering was casting a stormy shadow.  

One of the things to go wrong was my son's neurologist appointment.  It wasn't the medical part, it was him.  I KNOW my son is diagnosed ASD.  I KNOW what that entails.  I also KNOW how far he's come and how well he can and does do.  We have been doing this so long and the parameters for doctors' appointments are so routine that I sometimes forget how unnormal it can be.  Those memories are just witty anecdotes that seem unreal.  He was having an off day from the moment he woke up.  I thought the normalcy of school "cured" that.  We left early and I should have known when he walked in wishing the appointment was tomorrow that things were still off.  But he read quietly during the hour plus car ride and ate his lunch in the back seat seemingly fine.  We arrived early so we sat in the car for a few minutes and I closed my eyes (which are always heavy anymore).  Then the drizzle started so we ran in to avoid the rain.  His obsession with the drops may have been another sign, but he's VERY intellectual and honestly, sometimes I only half listen to his academic talk (mostly because he's so much smarter than me that I don't understand).  He started becoming ancy and clingy in the waiting room which is very unlike him.  It progressively got worse.  Add in a new PA who doesn't know our history and well, it was less than wonderful.  I was embarrassed and angry and confused and overwhelmed.  I cried the whole way home...he slept.  Throughout my teary drive, I kept praying that God would show me answers.  Not just answers from the appointment, which gleaned none, but for how to handle all this.  How to handle when my juggling skills are less than stellar.  How to handle allowing others to help.  How to let go and not be in control, but to fully let God be in control, which means accepting help when I'm overwhelmed and tired or need a break, which means knowing when to walk away from a situation and that it's okay to.  I talked to God about knowing He has a plan, but I can't see it right now.  Asking Him if that means that I'm off the path or something else.  How do I know how to parent in this?  Maybe discipline shouldn't matter on exceptionality?  Maybe I'm the wrong one to parent him?  Am I raising an excuse maker?  Who will do wrong and blame it on his disorder?  Or is this really out of his control?  If none of the behavioral therapy is working, what now?  Or maybe we need an exorcism!  Maybe it's just a demon that needs to break loose and all the doctors, therapists and specialists for the past 8 years are wrong?  (Yes, my mind is a bowl full of crazy sometimes!) I just drove and cried and cried out to Him with all my heartache.

We arrived home and I knew in my head that forgiveness needed to be offered, but I didn't know how to let go.  It's easy to say, "well, it's not his fault," but he is still accountable for some of the behavior when he chooses not to comply with the techniques and tools used to help get him back on track.  So I kept my words few; just one step directions with little emotion (I didn't have much left).  Once he had done the few things he needed to do, I took a nap and he laid beside me, reading.  I woke up about 15 minutes later realizing it was time to start our evening routine: dinner, making lunches, and I had to do it all before a scout parent meeting at 6.  So he was directed, still with few words, to sit at the table and do 30 minutes of splash math while I worked.  As I set about the kitchen warming dinner (I try to cook for the week on the weekends) and making lunches, I was listening to my current book "All In," by Mark Batterson.  At this point in the story he was talking about Job.  If you've read my blog, you know I'm a big fan of Job.  I feel I can identify with him pretty well at times.  In talking about all that goes wrong with Job, he discusses what Job did in the midst...praised God.  He then relates a story about some friends who had a blessing that was taken back.  These friends were worship leaders and days later he watched the husband sing Blessed be the name at a conference.  Knowing what had happened and hearing him sing "You give and take away" almost broke the author.  As the song began to play in my head and my heart joined in on the words, I began to break too...or more so, the cloud hovering over me broke.  

Unlike Job, instead of praising God for the blessing in the appointment (no new seizure activity), I became fixated on the curses.  God gives and takes away, including our comfort zones.  When everything goes smoothly, I forget that it's not as smooth for my sweet boy.  He has to work very hard for smooth.  I'm sure he gets overwhelmed and tired of it all too, just like me.  Except, his is daily, because he's working to hold it together...partially to make it easier for me.

Just in case I didn't get His message last night, God, in his great mercy, made sure to follow it up this morning with 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ."  

Lord, you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of The Lord!  Thank you for those you use to bring me Your word and encouragement.  Whether through the recommendation of a book, a prayer sent up, a text, song lyrics, a story/devotional or those who point me back to Your Word.  Thank you for never abandoning me on the cloudy days and for the promise of the rainbow that binds us together.  Thank you that you are not done with me yet...complete your good work in me.  And thank you even for the valley, desert, dark times: for your presence, your provision and you Light that leads us.  Most of all, thank you for my quirky boy and for all he does.  Thank your for his effort to comply, and help me in the moments I forget his effort.  Thank you for his heart which wants to serve you and loves you.  Help me nurture that while we work together to make it through this path.  Together in you and to you go all the glory! Amen

Stop, Lift and listen

This morning, during my devotional time, I was faced with the question: How are you doing in the “putting people ahead of possessions” department? 

I am not a good steward of what I am given.  I am the first to admit that.  Not because I am unwillingly to share, but because I have the bad habit if sharing beyond my means.  I want to help everyone with everything.  I would give all I had.  I used to think that it was just because I wanted people to like me.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized that's not what it is.  I give to people I don't know, people I know I'll never see again and even to people I don't care for and don't really want a relationship with.  

I've realized that I have total confidence that God will provide for me.  And with that in mind, I feel confident in helping others in any way I can.  Maybe a little too confident.  I need to stop doing and take a breath to ask if this is what He wants me to do.  Sometimes, I may robbing someone else of the opportunity to help.  Sometimes, maybe I'm robbing Him of the timing He has.  Maybe His power is to be shown in the waiting.  Maybe He has a different purpose for my treasures.  Maybe, He provided for my own need.  Being over generous can be just as wrong as being selfish.  No matter what we need to stop, lift and listen!  Stop doing, lift up our thoughts/choices to Him, and listen to what His will is.  

Thank you, Lord, for giving me a generous heart.  Thank you also for providing for me in the many times that I have given away even what I need.  Open my eyes and my ears to hear YOUR will for my treasures.  And may I never forget that ALL things come of You and of Thine own have we given thee.