Yesterday was one of those days. We all have them. I woke up in the morning and my heart was heavy. While praying for a family who was saying goodbye to a loved one, a family member was laid on my heart. After praying & praising for her, I prayed for my daughter who had called the night before to discuss a decision she's struggling with. I sat thinking how grateful I am to be able to pray for others. How I love that, thanks to technology, I can pray with them even when we're far apart. And then POW!
It hit me; like a brick weight I felt overcome with darkness. Maybe depression? Dissatisfaction with myself set in so that every move I made, every time I glanced in the mirror, every word I said was wrong. It was not just about feeling fat or ugly or mean or impatient either. I literally felt like I didn't fit in my own skin. Inadequate and unimportant to my very core. And of course then my thoughts ran away from me and tomorrow's concerns became today's and what about next week, next month, next year?
I knew right away this wasn't God. I knew that this was the temptation of the devil. I knew that this was his way. To whisper all the lies that discourage us from standing tall....sometimes even from standing. He tries it often, but usually I can find comfort in the Word. I have an arsenal of scriptures I use on a daily basis to fight his lies. Every once in a while though... Every once in while it just feels too much. I just feel too tired. He just brings too much too fast and I struggle. And i know the dangers of where it can lead. I've unfortunately experienced first hand how weak I can be. I admitted my struggle to a friend I text each morning, but the answers fell flat on my heart and I didn't want her to know how deep it really was. Mostly because there was nothing in particular causing this breakdown. I felt like an idiot for even feeling this way, but that just weakened me more. I posted on social media about missing my daddy and his hugs. I think I thought that memory would bring me strength, but it didn't. I quickly sent off an email to a prayer partner, just asking her to say an extra prayer for me. And then I fell into the sobs that racked my body for the next 15 minutes or so.
The rest of the morning was quiet. Several things went wrong - stupid little things - but my son knew that this was time to stay quiet and be still. (Not an easy task for him.) I used the quiet time to try to secure my mask for the day, but it didn't feel like it was fitting right. I knew if I could just get moving in my routine, it would slide back into place, or at least I hoped it would. I'm an expert at wearing a mask. Mottos like "fake it till you make it," and "smile so hard that even you believe it," were staples in my life. "Whistle a happy tune" from the King and I could be the backdrop of my life. (Listen to it) Most of the time it isn't very hard, and usually it doesn't take much for me to return to feeling blessed beyond measure. In fact, the groaning and grumbling of those around me are usually a great help to snap me out of it. While they talk I can see the blessings in their situations, which then helps me see how blessed I am too and darkness turns to light. But sometimes, it just sinks me lower. This was one of those days that I was fighting hard. Eventually my mask fell into place, but I was just unsettled all day.
After school, I went to the reception my friend and her family were having after the funeral. At one point I sat there watching this eclectic group of people talk, the younger kids dancing and playing, the older kids chatting and I was thinking how much my friend's mom would have loved this. And suddenly the cloud of darkness started lifting. There was the very young (younger than me) grandmother with her daughter and new grandson that the mom introduced as a very unexpected joy. There was the group of friends hovering in the kitchen refilling plates and washes dishes. There was the husband who works overseas with his stepdaughter who is wheelchair bound talking to a teacher from our school while watching the young girl enjoy the twizzlers I brought. (Her face brings me such joy when she sees twizzlers!) There was the inventory of animals on the premises and the discussion of whether the bears and foxes counted. There was laughter, and some tears, but overall, there was just such a feeling of warmth and friendship in every corner. As I sat and looked at the faces of these people, I kept thinking how amazing it is the way everyone pulled together for this family. And we always do. As I was texting someone on the way home (I was using my designated texter...my son), I took the time to tell her how grateful I was for having her in my life. And I realized I was filled with joy.
In the book of John it says: "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5 NIV). I am so grateful for all the things God does for me; all the things He opens my eyes to. Will there be darkness again? Of course. Will there be moments that I feel overwhelmed? Yes. Will there be moments I feel too weak to stand? Absolutely. Will my God be with me? You can bet on it. And days like today are reminders that He hears my cry. He will never leave me nor forsake me. For weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)
And as the slide show fades, I am reminded: life is good today!
