Reflection and Discussion Ch7 Q2

            Do your failures ever feel final or fatal?  If so, describe a time when you failed and how you let it define you.

Of course my failures have felt final or fatal before.  I’m a teacher by day and single mom of 3 by life – so by society’s standards I’m single handedly responsible for the down fall of all kids!  J  

I think a time it truly has defined me has been with my son.  I made a mistake and let a friendship become intimate that should not have and ended up pregnant.  I knew this person would not make our relationship more permanent than it was.  After all, what drew up into friendship was our brokenness, low self confidence and single parenting (our daughters were friends) When I decided that I was going to keep the baby, I hurt so many people.  My friend because I chose the life inside me instead of him; my daughters because I had professed and taught purity, plus I was changing the dynamics of our family (they were 11 and 14 when he was born); my son because in choosing him, I chose a life for him without his father; my friend’s daughter because she would grow up with a brother whose life she wouldn’t be a part of; my family because I was barely making ends meet before and adding another child into the equation would mean less for everyone; our friends because they were put into the middle; God…so many people hurt.  I knew keeping my son was what God called me to because from the time I prayerfully made that decision I felt a peace beyond anything I had EVER felt before.  Although I knew that, I let the feelings of failing everyone (& a little help from Satan’s prevocational whispers) truly define me and everything that happened for years. 

·         My son was born early with lungs that didn’t work yet – my fault for the anxiety that was life (although I was at peace about having him, any pregnancy is stressful but I was working full time when the doctor wanted bed rest, our apartment was being sold as a condo and we couldn’t afford to buy it, I couldn’t find a place to move to that wouldn’t mean a long travel to work and changing the girls’ districts...)

·         He has many physical challenges – my fault for getting pregnant

·         He was diagnosed as autistic then Aspergers – my fault for getting pregnant

·         My daughters felt pushed aside and unimportant– my fault for changing the family dynamic

·         Our financial situation tanked – my fault for changing life

·         I was spread too thin – my fault for being me

·         I had to miss things for the girls – my fault for early bedtime and the need for ritual

·         My mom had to give up stuff to keep him while I was at work – my fault for not making enough to cover child care

·         My brother had to help me – my fault for not being able to take a second job

·         My oldest became provocative in college – my fault for having a baby out of wedlock

·         She also began drinking – my fault for not being more for her

·         I took a huge pay cut – my fault for trying to be closer to home

·         I use up all my sick days at work – my fault for having a sick child

Until God hit me with a 2 X 4 and showed me the blessings that pregnancy has brought to so many, that one failure (albeit a big one) defined (and sometimes still defines) every aspect of who I am and what I did.  God could have prevented that pregnancy.  God could have placed that child with someone else.  My son was never a mistake.  God chose to bring him into this world and chose me to be his mother and the world is a better place for it.  The lives he’s touched, the smiles he’s brought, the faith he’s living on…  I might have failed to make a good choice, but God can use all things for His good and He has done just that with this.  Praise be to Him!!!!  Thank you, God!

Reflection and Discussion Ch7 Q1

         On a scale of 1-10 (with 1 being “very little” and 10 being “a whole lot”), how often do you hear doubt whisper, You’re such a failure?  Do you ever hear accusing internal dialogue saying things like, You always do that; You keep saying you’re sorry, but you’ll never change; or You’re constantly disappointing someone?

Before starting this study I would have given this a 10 (really even higher – like a 100).  It was something I felt most of the time.  However, since starting this study I’d say it’s down to a 8 maybe.  By applying the scriptures just from the previous chapters into my life, I find myself feeling more able because I know that in Christ I can do anything and with this study daily at hand, I’m reminded of that.  I’m hope now to keep it up even when I don’t have this study daily reminding me.  I think the accusation above I still hear the most in me is You’re constantly disappointing someone, which of course makes me feel like a failure and then the spiral.  I’m working hard to catch the thoughts as they start and take them to God then.

Chapter 7 Overview

When Doubt Whispers "I'm Such a Failure"

"One reason we doubt God's love is that we have and adversary who uses every little offense to accuse us of being good-for-nothings.  But your advocate Jesus Christ is more powerful than your adversary.  He has cancelled the debt of your sins past, present, and future.  No matter what you do or how you fail, God has no reason not to love you and accept you completely."  Dr. Neil T. Anderson (excerpt taken from Daily in Christ online devotional)

Renee begins with an admiration for people who are not afraid to fail; who see setbacks as just another goal to conquer.  However, many of us are not that type of people.  For many of us failure is painful and embarrassing; for some it is to be discouraged to the point we feel we can't move forward.  But failure doesn't have to be fatal. 
She shares a article with a reference from Zig Ziglar that she read on a day feeling like a total failure as a mother.  Ziglar tells a story about an interview with Andrew Carnegie.  The wealthiest man in America in the 1900's employed more than 42 millionaires.  When asked how he helped these men become so valuable he said, "men are developed the same way gold is mined.  When gold is mined, several tons of dirt must be moved to get an ounce of god, but one doesn't go into the mine looking for dirt, one goes in looking for gold, and the more he looks for the more he finds."  We need to look for the good and stop focusing on the mistakes - in others and ourselves.  God is the ultimate gold miner.  He sees the gold amidst all the dirt in our lives and with His help we can bring is forward to mine it. 
She shares the story of Peter, who even though he is often the disciple of little faith (walk on water, denying Jesus, etc.), Jesus sees the potential in him and declares that he is the rock the church will be built on. 

She also shares the story of the woman brought before Jesus and the men of the church who was found in adultery.  The law said she was to be stoned, but when asked what he felt should be done.  They were setting a trap for Jesus.  We have to be careful because Satan will set a trap for us by luring us into wanting something and then using it as the very thing he accuses us with.  She sets the question of how many times has the enemy used a little distraction to lead into a pattern of destructive behavior and then used it for your condemnation?  For me, I never realized how much until I considered my answer.  We need to stop listening to the accusations and start listening to the voice of Truth.

Jesus bent down and began writing in the sand.  We never get to know what He wrote, but after saying that the one without sin should cast the first stone, they all go away.  And yet it doesn't end there.  "Jesus straightened her up."  Jesus stoops down to our level and helps us stand up straight and face our failures in the light of His love.  We can't do this on our own, but we don't have to.  "God wants to come to your rescue and give you victory.  He wants to sustain you and show you that with His grace, mercy, and help, you can use your setbacks to help get back on your feet again, and find your confidence in Christ by believing what He says about you." (pg. 125)

Although you may condemn yourself for your failures, God never will.  In God there is NO condemnation.  However, there is conviction.  She restates a pastor she once said who explained the difference.  "Condemnation sweeps across our thoughts with generalized statements such as, You're such a failure, You're so hypocritical,  or You can never be counted on....The Holy Spirit's conviction will be specific.  He will reveal a sinful action or attitude and instruct us on what we need to do to right the wrong, whether it's restoring a broken relationship or returning something that isn't ours.  He'll give us steps we need to make a change in our behavior or attitude."  (pg. 127)  It doesn't matter what you have done or will do, God does and will always still love you and forgive you. 

We have to work to fail forward.  We are going to fail and fall short of our expectations and others' - we're human.  What we need to do, when we fall into this, is reach for God's hand to help us up instead of staying down on ourselves.  "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand."  Psalm 37:23-24  Disappointing others, God, or ourselves can automatically make us feel like a failure which reinforces the lies Satan is trying to feed us and brings us further down.  We need to ask God if there is something we can do to, instead, rectify the situation.  We also need to lower our expectations of ourselves and lighten our overloaded commitments.  We need to stop beating ourselves up and start using God's word and His love to build ourselves up.  "What are we doing, talking to a child of God the way we talk to ourselves?"

It seems like a contradiction, but when we fail, we can actually be growing in strength and confidence and more like the person God created us to be...IF we go to God for help.  Failure can produce wisdom and maturity and push us to do more than we think we can.  We need to look for "golden attitudes and actions" we want to see surface, find what God says about these and then incorporate them into our everyday lives and prayers.  God can use our mistakes, failures, messes to help us BECOME: become more like Him; become the person He sees in us; become who He created us to be.  And we need to remember this important final point: every time we fail, we need to let God remind us of the progress we've made.  We might not be who we want to be, but we are not who we used to be.  Each day, each experience, each time we get back up, each time we lean on God, each time we fail forward, we are becoming much closer to who we are meant to be.
Praying God's Promises
Lord, thank You that my failures never get the final say - You do!  You say there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and my life is hidden in Him.  When my heart or my enemy tries to condemn me, I will have confidence, believing that I will receive from You anything I ask according to Your Word and Your will, as I obey Your commands and seek what pleases You.
Because my steps are established by You, Lord, I will believe that You delight in me even when I fail or fall.  When I have a setback, I will get back up again because You give me Your shield of victory and Your right hand sustains me; Your help makes me great.  Thank You for Your grace that is sufficient for me.  I choose to rely on Your promise to perfect Your power through my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Reflection and Discussion Ch 6 Q 7

          What are one or two AM (against me) thoughts you are currently dealing with?  What FM (for me) thoughts from God’s promises will you replace them with?

AM  (against me)	FM (for me)
I can’t do anything right.	I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  (Philippians 4:13)
I’m a failure in every aspect of my life and I’ve failed too much to ever fix it.	And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  (Romans 8:28)

Reflection and Discussion Ch 6 Q 6

           Do you recognize Satan as a spiritual bully who wants to intimidate and defeat you?  How will you take what you know now and prepare yourself for the daily battles when he tries to steal your confidence as a child of God?

I absolutely see Satan as a spiritual bully who wants to intimidate and defeat me.  And in seeing that is sometimes the easiest way he tempts me.  He lets me see how many times he’s pulled one over on me and I begin to question my relationship with Christ and who I am that I let him disarm me.  Or sometimes I know he’s tempting me and I begin to panic that I can’t stand, again allowing him to disarm me which then proceeds to make me doubt myself because it happened. 

When it happened the other day, I began to quote what I could remember from the “Who I Am in Christ” chart and then did something very out of character for me, I went straight to a friend’s house (at 8:00pm), knocked on her door and crying said, “I need a hug.  I’m feeling overwhelmed and defeated and I know this isn’t God.  Help me.”  Not only did she let me vent my feelings, remind me of whose I am, and encourage me, but she also then distracted me from those thoughts till we were laughing and Satan no longer was the voice I could hear.  I know that’s not the answer for everyday, but that was a huge deal for me.  For the everyday, I’m trying to remind myself every morning who I am and Whose I am.  I’m adding pieces from that chart to the postings I already have around the house.  When I begin to feel it, I need to take a minute and take it to God right then, no matter what, where, when.  I need His strength right now to help me get to a point where I can daily stand. 

Reflection and DIscussion Ch 6 Q 5

         What were the different ways Eve and Jesus responded to Satan’s lies?

Eve took the bait and was tempted to sin.  Jesus, on the other hand, spoke God’s word to Satan.  He used God’s promises to let Satan know He didn’t want to play this game; that God was in Him and with Him always.  God was all He needed.

Reflection and Discussion Ch 6 Q 4

       Reread the stories of Eve and Jesus being tempted.  What are the common lies Satan tried to get them to believe?

          That they weren’t enough as they were.  That they could be more like God than just made in 
          His image.  They could be the same as Him.  They could be as powerful as God is.  They could
          have kingdoms and more if they just listened to him.

Reflection and Discussion Ch 6 Q 3

           Go back and review the “Who I Am in Christ” chart.  Highlight verses that speak to your heart most about believing you are accepted, secure, or significant.  Choose seven of the verses/promises and write them on note cards.  Read and pray out loud a different one each day this week. 

I typed up all of them and laminated them and put them around my bathroom mirror with others I’ve found throughout the years.  I also made a copy for my son and both my daughters so that they can see them daily too.  Here are my seven favorites:

·         I am accepted because I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.  (Ephesians 1:3-8)

·         I am secure because I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. (Romans 8:28)

·         I am secure because I am confident God will complete the good work He started in me.  (Philippians 1:6)

·         I am secure because I have been given a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

·         I am significant because I am God’s workmanship.  (Ephesians 2:10)

·         I am significant because I may approach God with freedom and confidence.  (Ephesians 3:12)

·         I am significant because I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:13)

Reflection and Discussion Ch 6 Q 2

           Has anyone ever said or done anything to make you feel rejected?  If so, describe what happened and what that circumstance led you to believe about yourself.

Too many times!  The two biggest are these:

1.       My husband cheating on me and then leaving me made feel very rejected; like I wasn’t worth respect nor important enough to fight for.  Every time he didn’t attend counseling made me feel stupid or silly.  Every time he didn’t come home I felt like I was nothing worth coming home for.  By the time we were officially divorced I was a shell of a person: afraid to take a breath; worthless as a woman (still working on the redemption of this part), a wife and even a person; I believed I had nothing to offer anyone and that I could never survive.  I spent years living like a turtle, hiding in a shell, poking my head out just for a few moments to try to move forward.

2.      My oldest daughter got into some legal trouble earlier this year.  The first rejection came when she didn’t call me to come get her before or after it happened.  I had to hear about it from the police when they tried to verify her address.  The next rejection came after I spent time talking to her about things “we” needed to think about and making the point that I was saying “we” because I understood what it felt like to have to go through rough times alone and I wanted her to know I was there for her.  Her response was to move out.  And then the rejection has come every day since then when I find out the lies she’s told, the cheating she’s done, the promiscuity in her life, the excuses she gives, the addiction she faces, the lack of responsibility she takes, and the fact that she uses my home as a weekend retreat where she hides herself away from everyone until she has a need or desire to be met (shopping, food, ride somewhere, etc.).  I want so much to tell her she can’t come home until some changes are made, but my son misses her so much…and so do I.  We were so close all the way through her high school graduation and then she went to college and the rejection began as she began to make some bad and dangerous choices.  The more I pursued a relationship, the more rejection I felt.  I’m still struggling with feeling like a bad parent.  If I had raised her right this wouldn’t have happened.  She would have had the confidence she needed to say no to these things.  If I could have provided her a real “daddy” relationship, she wouldn’t have searched for that affection somewhere else.  If I had made her feel loved and secure, she would have succeeded.  If I’d have had a more successful life (rather than Job’s prodigy), she would’ve seen what God can do rather than seeking something that will never fill her needs.  She would come back to Him who can help her and make her whole.  If I had been a better mom, she wouldn’t be hurting right now and the pain is so much, she doesn’t even notice it anymore.  If I were a good mom, I could fix it.

Reflection and Discussion Ch 6 Q1

        What area of your life – as a woman, mom, wife, friend, daughter, housekeeper, professional, leader, etc. – do you currently struggle with most in believing you are good enough?

I struggle in so many!  I’ll list them in order of least to greatest*** struggle (with the exception of the ***, the order and even the number of these can change at any time depending on my mood, the weather, or what’s going on that day J):  

Housekeeper - I can’t even keep up and have stopped daily trying I’m so overwhelmed by it.  I haven’t even had a day lately where I just get up and get at it and do a good overhaul.  Lately, even the thought sends me back under the covers.

Woman - no one sees me like that.  I haven’t been out on a date in over 10 years.  I’ve been used.  I’ve been stood up.  But no guys see me as potential or even shows any interest in the real me.

Professional - I can’t get it all done in the time allotted.  I can’t keep up.  I have to take on extra duties for the extra money which means I need to work through lunch when others want to sit together and share.  Then being a single mom takes me away from the classroom and I just always feel like I’m letting everyone down.

Servant/Friend/Person – I want so much to do for others.  To be there for others.  To help others.  To serve.  However, I feel I just can never do enough.  Because of my lack of funds – because of my always having kids – because of my shallow points of reference – because I’m not too smart about topics – because my son goes to bed early – because I have limited time – because I have to bring work home with me - because I’m me, again, I always feeling like I’m letting everyone down, more so, I feel as a servant I’m letting God down.

Daughter - I still am so dependent on my mom to help out and yet I should be taking care of her.

Sister - I constantly have to ask my brother for help, but have nothing to offer him in return.  I want so badly for us to be peers – on the same level.  But I feel like I’ll always just be that kid who is such a thorn in his side…the burden he has to take along.

***Mom – I’m a single mom that can’t properly provide for her children.  I can’t make the money needed to pay the bills much less provide for wants.  I can’t get my act together to do family dinner or family prayer time or something daily.  I can’t get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there or picked up from there.  I can’t seem to find the time to spend with each of them.  And trying to do better in one area usually means I’m robbing another.  My 2 younger have medical issues and I’m the only common link.  My oldest is on a lost path, dabbling in evil and wrong choices – including legal issues and giving up things she can never get back.  I feel like I’ve failed to give her the confidence and strength to make good choices and to know whose she is.  I feel like I’ve failed giving my middle one humility and respect for others, as well as the maintenance of the relationship with God she started out with.  I feel like I’ve failed my youngest by not being able to spend enough time with him.  Plus, he’s growing up alone since his sisters will both be out of the house by the time he’s 7.  And he’s growing up without the positive male role model he so desperately wants and needs.  I failed the girls by forcing a relationship with a dad who wasn’t capable to be there yet and I’ve failed my son by agreeing to cut the ties.  I can’t seem to find others to help fill in for those needs…not through sports, nor through school, nor church. 

Chapter 6 Overview

When Doubt Whispers "I'm Not Good Enough"

"We've got to get our good enough from Jesus.  When we belong to Him, we're clothed in righteousness, forever beloved and accepted; a constant recipient of His steadfast love and grace."  Gary Morland

What a power packed chapter!  Renee started the chapter talking about those feelings of insecurity we all face and how we feel we have to hide them away.  If we share our weakness others will see our faults and agree with us and since we're the only one who's ever felt that way...

She then tells a story - we all have one - where we begin by feeling chosen but then are rejected.  In her case (and many times in my own), she also talks about when we give a second chance only to be rejected again.  Our biggest fears can often become our realities and then that shadow of doubt just grows.  She was lucky because she was at a point in her life where she had the promise of God's nearness and the fact that He chose her as His own to hold on to.  She says, "It wasn't until God was all I had that I realized He was all I needed."  Once we reach this point we can begin to find our identity and our value in who we are in Christ.

We all go through time where we believe that if we were more (thinner, stronger, smarter, etc.)  or if we had more of what the world puts importance on that we would be secure.  But the truth is, even those women we see as "having it all" still struggle with feeling they are not good enough.  She then tells the story of Eve, the first woman.  Eve was a woman who truly had it all.  However, Satan placed himself between Eve and the light of the Father and the first shadow of doubt was cast.  Satan's questions and suggestions implied that there was something wrong or something missing from Eve.  He talked until she began to see it too and then because her fall as she struggled to have it all.  "Satan had a cunning plan to deceive God's children by convincing them to doubt God's character and disobey God's commands."  And his plan is still in place today. 

We make a huge mistake by constantly asking ourselves, "What's wrong with me?"  She commented on noticing one day how many times she does it, so I did the experiment on myself.  Sure enough, when we can't find our keys, are mean to someone we care for, when we're running late, when someone rejects us, when we fuss at our kids, when we forget something...the list goes on and on.  However, each time we ask, "what's wrong with me?" we are telling ourselves that something is wrong with us causing us to then look for the fault.  We need to change the way we talk to ourselves.  She then shows us the WHO I AM IN CHRIST chart so we can began to remind ourselves of who we are.

Satan tempted Jesus in the same way he did Eve, however, Jesus could stand the test because He trusted God's promises.  For every temptation Satan gave to Jesus, Jesus responded with God's promises from His word.  Finally Jesus responded with, "Away from me, Satan!  For it is written: 'Worship the Lord you God, and serve Him only.'"  Then Satan left Him and angels came and attended to Him. (Matthew 4)  "Doubting God's promises makes it hard to trust God's heart."

She talks about getting our "good enough" from Jesus.  We need to stop beating ourselves up and start building ourselves.  We to move away from AM (against me) thoughts and move toward FM (for me) thoughts.  We can often be our own worst critics, so we need to begin by going to God's word and building ourselves up from there. 


Praying God's Promises
Lord, thank You that in Christ I'm chosen, holy, and dearly loved.  I love knowing I an a crown of splendor in my Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of my God.  Whenever someone rejects me, heal my hurting heart with the promise that You will never leave me or forsake me.  When I'm tempted to find my significance and security apart from Your provision and promises, help me resist Satan's lies and temptations and stand firm in my faith.  When insecurity threatens to take me captive, I will remember that Christ set me free, and not allow myself to be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Holy Spirit, remind me every day that such confidence as this is mine through Christ - not that I am competent in myself to claim anything for myself, but competence come from Him.  I have been given fullness in Christ, who is the Head over every power and authority.  I choose to believe His goodness makes me good enough!  In Jesus' powerful name I pray, Amen.

Who I Am in Christ (LOVED THIS! p107-108)

I am accepted because I am God's child.  (John 1:12)
I am accepted because I am a firend of Jesus Christ, as His disciple.  (John 15:15)
I am accepted because I have been justified.  (Romans 5:1)
I am accepted because I am united witht he Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.  (1 Corinthians 6:17)
I am accepted because I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.  (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
I am accepted because I am a member of Christ's body.  (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am accepted because I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.  (Ephesians 1:3-8)
I am accepted because I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.  (Hebrews 4:14-16)

I am secure because I am free from condemnation.  (Romans 8:1-2)
I am secure because I am assured that God words for my good in all circumstances.  (Romans 8:28)
I am secure because I am free from condemnation.  I cannot be separated from God's love.  (Romans 8:31-39)
I am secure because I have been established, annointed, and sealed by God.  (2 Corinthians 1:21-22)
I am secure because I am confident God will complete the good work He started in me.  (Philippians 1:6)
I am secure because I am a citizen of heaven.  (Philippians 3:20)
I am secure because I am hidden with Christ in God.  (Colossians 3:1-4)
I am secure because I have been given a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.  (2 Timothy 1:7)
I am secure because I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me.  (1 John 5:18)

I am significant because I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.  (John 15:5)
I am significant because I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.  (John 15:16)
I am significant because I am God's temple.  (1 Corinthians 3:16)
I am significant because I am a minister of reconciliation for God.  (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)
I am significant because I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.  (Ephesians 2:6)
I am significant because I am God's workmanship.  (Ephesians 2:10)
I am significant because I may approach God with freedom and confidence.  (Ephesians 3:12)
I am significant because I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:13)

Love this list!  Want to post it everywhere so I can remind myself who I am and more importantly whose I am!  <3

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q7

           Have you ever viewed doubt as an emotional weakness in the past?  Have you ever asked God to take it away and zap you with confidence?  Describe if and how you are beginning to see the struggle with insecurity as part of your spiritual journey.

I definitely think doubt is an emotional weakness and have thought for many years that myself doubt was my greatest weakness.  I have also definitely asked God to take it from me, but I think that I never realized until more recently how controlling I am, so I would ask Him to take it, but not really let go of it.  God’s not one to just grab it from our tightened grasp.  He wants us to release it to Him and that’s been a hard thing for me to do.  Again, I think of the “One Fine Day” line about juggling.  My doubt is just one of the many balls I’m trying to keep in the air and circulating.  If I truly gave it up everything might come tumbling down and how would I deal with that.  But as I said in question 6, this study is really helping me to face that.  First, to even come to this book/study, God showed me how much I let my doubt dictate my life and how much I hate it.  Then He’s been helping me to take baby steps to ask for help and begin to release a little control.  In doing that, I’m finding a peace beyond that which I could have imagined.  I’m also beginning to listen and look around better at what God has already done through me.  He is strengthening me and encouraging me through this.  I still have a LONG way to go, but I see changes beginning and I’m so thrilled with them, that I WANT them to continue.  I want MORE than the life in the shadows I’ve been living and now I see HOPE that it is something even I can have.  (bold because as I went to write it I realized that’s part of the doubt in me J)

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q6

         What are some other triggers that cause you to doubt yourself (e.g., failure, fear, conflict, discouragement, comparison, worry, criticism, tiredness)?

What aren’t triggers that cause me to doubt myself might be a better question.  J  Everything listed plus any kind of stress causes me to doubt myself and I feel like as a single mom, who hasn’t been on a date in a VERY long time, who doesn’t have many true friends, who has an adult child, teenager and 6 year old, who has children that have medical and psychological issues…I feel like I’m facing at least one of those things all the time!  With the help of this study though, I am learning to take control of those triggers and give them to God.  I tend to have a slow learning curve, but this week alone, God has shown me His power in being my strength against the triggers.

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q5

         Review the section in this chapter on “Getting Past Our Past.”  Write down anything from your past that triggers old emotions that lead to insecurity and self-doubt.

This was a hard one.

            

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q4

1.      The angel of the Lord told Gideon, “Go in the strength you have…am I not sending you?...I will be with you”  (Judg. 6:14-16).  With that promise in mind, what doubt are you currently facing that you sense God wants you to conquer with Him and depend on His strength to overcome?

I think that it’s funny that I come to this question today.  I was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn’t not get to the questions yesterday because I was so stressed out about my observation at work.  I haven’t really worried about an observation is many years, but with our new evaluation system it is much harder to know what is expected of us and where we fit into it.  I woke up yesterday feeling weak and could hear the whispers of doubt.  I prayed scriptures from this study and texted my teacher prayer warriors (all but one because she was the administrator observing me) asking them to join me in prayer that God would calm me and use me.  3 of the 4 sent me the same verse – one I frequently tell others – the one our sermon Sunday was focused on – Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”  To me that was such a message from God that He was with me.  What are the chances of all the affirmative verses God has placed in His word that they would pick the same one?  It was exactly what I needed to remember that God placed me here and He will do with my work what He wills and use this path for His purpose as long as I depend on Him for His strength and wisdom.  I wish I could say I’m not at all concerned about the outcome of my post observation conference but I do know that God will be with me there too. 

Today, the doubt I’m facing is my own fear.  I have been asked to fill in for my principal this morning to help with discipline in the office.  I don’t like doing this; in fact I hate it.  It’s one of the reasons I stopped going down that track in life.  I find myself unequipped to deal with angry, irate parents.  I don’t like the confrontation and I HATE being the bearer of bad news that their child is making bad choices.  I want to tell that that everything is okay, but as a mom, I know that’s not always the case.  I don’t like determining what the best consequence is for a poor choice, especially when I don’t know the kids or their history well.  I find that I’m not impartial, which isn’t fair to the kids.  Plus, I’m such a sucker for 2^nd chances and the benefit of the doubt.  And I don’t like being the bad guy.  I like being the teacher on campus that knows the kids names and can chat with them encouraging them and the one they like because of all the goofy things I’ll do for them.  I want them to like me and see me as a positive in their lives (again that temptation of approval).  Plus this has been a special week in my classroom with special activities each day as we celebrate the writings of Dr. Seuss.  Although I plan, I’m much more a teachable moment kind of teacher that I worry I’ll miss a moment or that the fun won’t be as fun if I’m not there.  I am making some progress in that I did tell my boss I didn’t want to do this, but then said I would if she really needed me to.  I don’t want to let her down.

I’ve been feeling rough all week and I feel I need to make it through.  I have so many people that I feel are depending on me.  Tomorrow is Family Fun Night and I’m one of 2 PTA board members that will be there to work.  What started as just a movie night, has blown up into something that I’m not sure is going to work and Kim and I need each other for this night.  Saturday is a friend’s soon to be step-son’s birthday and she’s planning her first party for him.  I know she’s counting on my support and my son is counting on the fact that it’s a party he’ll get to go to (he’s been sick for so many) and my girls are counting on the ride to the beach (where the party is) so they can sun bathe finally after a long winter without.  Next week I have conferences all week.  The week after is Spring Break.  I keep saying if I can only make it Spring Break…however, I can’t just fall apart then because my son deserves to have some fun during his break and not just be trapped in the house because mommy is sick.  So I think that the doubt I constantly face is just being enough for everyone.  I don’t want to let anyone down.  I feel like when I let others down, I let God down because I’m supposed to serve and minister to others.  I need to conquer that fear to live freely in Christ, but I can’t do it without Him.

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q3

         Do you have any limitations or weaknesses that make you doubt God can use you – or would want to?  If so, describe them and why they make you doubt God can use you.

To me, my greatest limitation is how easily I’m tempted to depend on what others think of me.  I want so badly to just care what God thinks and to let Him and who I am in Him define me, but I find that I’m very tempted by the approval of others.

I feel much like Gideon – the weakest of my clan.  I sometimes feel like I’m the one who couldn’t get anything right: single mom, kids with health issues, financial issues, physically not strong (weak stomach that is highly affected by stress), emotional, etc.  And I’ll be honest and say I have a hard time understanding why God would want to use someone like me, but I no longer doubt that He can because He has so many times.  I have moments of doubt where, for example, I feel like He can’t shine through me in the classroom because of all the mandates I have to follow, but God is God and He never ceases to amaze me at how He can. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q2

         How many times today did you wonder if you were measuring up to someone’s expectations of you?  List as many as you can think of.

Too many times!  Here’s the ones I remember:

·          Getting my younger daughter to the bus stop

·          Getting my pre-observation done

·          Not pulling reading groups to get my pre-obs. Done

·         Not seeing an email to notify me of no meeting

·         Asking about new form and when to submit

·         Not getting call into doctor during planning

·         Watching the Sneetches/changing plans when biography didn’t work out

·         My daughter calling to say she was coming to work, but I didn’t plan lunch for her

·         Wondering what ex husband thinks of me

·         Listening to my daughter talk about her dad’s travels and the trip he wants to take them on

·         Calling gastroenterologist about pharmacy not getting meds

·         Calling to pharmacy to see if they finally had it

·         Parents talking about my student’s folder in the PPU line

·         Coming late (again) to PPU

·         Picking up my group for tutoring

·         Needing to use the restroom during tutoring

·         Not being able to pick up my son’s meds because of my stomach

·         Not being able to take my younger daughter to the gym

·         Not feeling good all night and not being able to “Mom” as much as usual

·         Not getting all my work done

·         Wanting to sleep instead of get things done

Reflection and Discussion Ch5 Q1

         “When we focus our attention on ourselves, we turn our attention away from God.  We leave no room in our thoughts to listen to what He is thinking about us, because we have given that place away to be occupied by other people’s opinions”  (p.87) .  Whose thoughts do you tend to focus on the most throughout your day – yours, others’, or God’s?

I start each day trying to focus on God, but then I feel like the shift comes quickly and without me even noticing.  I worry about getting my daughter to the bus stop (it’s 5:40am and we don’t live in the most desirable area for her to go alone) and disappointing her or letting her down because that’s going to put my mom out.  Then I get caught up in getting to work at 6:30am so that I can get on the work track of trying to get everything done.  (Since I’ve started this study, I’ve been leaving a little later some days and without stressing – is it the study or the illnesses going through my house?  I choose a little of both.  The illnesses have slowed us down, the study has helped me realize that it’s not the end of the world.)  Once I get to work, I want to focus on being God’s vessel and doing His will, but I get so caught up in all the mandates and wanting to do a good job and I feel I just lose sight.  I do often take a moment (sometime multiple times) throughout the day to talk to God.  I really am trying to break the habit, but I’m not there yet.  I want His opinion to be the only one that matters.  I do truly believe that it I live in Him and do what He chooses that it will benefit ALL my life.  I need to work on strengthening my resistance to the temptation of finding my worth in others and what they say.