My Mustard Seed of Faith

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” (Mark 4:30-32 NIV)

There are many areas of my life that I feel helpless and fearful and stressed about: work, my medical needs/aging, finances/being able to provide for my family, ending up alone, not being who God created me to be... but I think the area that I currently feel the most helpless, fearful and stressed about is my children.  I worry that I didn't show them enough.  I worry that they'll get hurt.  I worry that they'll never become who God created them to be.  I worry that they don't love God with their whole heart, mind and soul or even worse, that they don't really believe.  Through all of these things I remind myself that God is in control.  I remind myself that he says, "Fear not, for I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  I remind myself that He knows the plans He has for me and for my family and that He is the creator and perfecter of all creation; He doesn't make mistakes.  He uses all things for good and for His perfect plan.  He knows every fiber of my being and He loves us more than we could ever feasibly imagine.  

"Oh ye of little faith!" "Why worry when I have it all under control.  I have numbered your days and will use them in my purpose for you."  Lord, my faith feels so weak at times, when the world is swirling around me and I can't find my footing.  But you have told us that even faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.  Root my faith.  Grow it in you.  And hold fast to me when the world is swirling.  I believe in You and in the plans You have for me and my family.  help me in my moments of unbelief.  Amen.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. ” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. (Luke 17:6 NIV)

Growing up is hard!!!

I having been having a hard time lately with some things.  I pray about them all the time, but I'm stuck in a zone...a zone of sadness or maybe it's disappointment because this is not how I wanted things to go; not how I pictured things.  In trying to deal with it I tend to shoot of my mouth, get sarcastic, or make snarky jokes, but the truth is I'm hurt and confused and lost and well, I don't like that.  And then the guilt sets in.  The guilt that this is not the way I'm supposed to act; not the person God created me to be.  This morning I was searching for a scripture to help me.  I looked up scriptures to help let go, about judging, about being forgiving, about tears, about anger.  In my search I found this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

I was going to say that it got me thinking, but the truth is, as I read it, I felt a whisper in my heart.  "Stop looking at the negative.  Embrace the love."  I love my family members.  I want them to be happy.  And I do need to let go of some things.  I do need to look at others through fresh eyes, especially outsiders (friends, more-than-friends, etc.).  I do need to be more forgiving and/or maybe more forgetting.  And it's okay to share the tears and the anger, but only with God who knows my heart and can make it whole.  They don't need to be shared with others who may not know the love from which they really come.  

You see, my family is not like yours.  Just like yours is not like mine.  We're that family that spends an insane amount of time together and yet that just isn't enough for me.  I miss the others like crazy when we're not together.  I often turn down nights out with friends for family movie or game night.  When we do go out with our friends, some one is always afraid they're going to miss something.  There is talk amongst us daily, even though we don't all live in the same house.  We drive each other absolutely, positively crazy, but at the end of the day, the truth is we always are there.  We love more than we live.

That has been our life for so long.  I grew loving to be with my family.  I was a single mom early in my 20s and I loved being with my girls.  We grew up together, really.  Then my son came along and although his health issues shook things up, he mixed right in.  I have loved watching my children together.  I love the way they love each other.  

But times change.  Kids grow up.  My girls are now in their 20s and beginning to make their own lives. They are not around as much as they used to be.  And I find that I hate it.  Okay, hate maybe a strong word.  I find myself lost, stuck in a whirlwind of emotions ranging from jealousy to sadness to loneliness to pride to overwhelming joy to excitement to a chaotic mess where I don't know what I feel!  And I'm having a hard time.  Mostly because I never pictured this part.  I never pictured life beyond just "us."  

That whisper this morning to my heart was a good reminder that this is really all about love.  I love them so much and I just need to keep loving them.  And if my love is true, then it will be 

* patient during the rough times

* kind to open up to new members

* not envious, but excited for new adventures

* not seek what makes me happy (the old way), but seek what makes them happy

* not full of anger, but peace

* it will let go and for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances 

* it will be truthful, but also understanding if their choices are not mine

* and it will always continue to be there protecting, trusting, hoping and most of all persevering (especially when I fail at any of the above)

I need to stop looking at the negative and just trust.  God blessed me with this family.  He filled us with this love.  He gave us this weird, close knit bond.  And I truly believe He knows the plans He has for us and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  Most of all, He is love.  And that is enough for me.

Morning rituals

Every morning before my eyes even open I start my day with God.  I don't know how or when this routine started, but this morning in the midst of it, I thought about how my day just doesn't start without it.  It is such a habit that even if everything else in my morning routine changes, this still stays the same.  And as I was thinking about the whole ritual, I was thinking about the words in the two prayers (which have meshed together and become one for me), and how beautiful they are.

Good morning, Father.  You are ushering in another day, untouched and freshly new. So here I am to ask you, Lord, if You'll renew me too. Forgive the many errors, Lord, that I made yesterday and help me try again dear Lord, to walk closer in Your way.  But Father, I am well aware that I can't make it on my own. So take my hand, Lord, hold it tight, for I can't and don't want to walk alone.  This is another day, O Lord.  I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready for whatever it may be.  If I am to stand, help me to stand bravely.  If I am to sit, help me do it quietly.  If I am to lie, help me do it patiently.  And if I am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.  Make these words more than words and give me Your Spirit, Lord Jesus.

These are both from the Book of Common Prayer somewhere.  I have been waking up with it for so long that this is from memory, which also means I may have made slight adjustments.  It's funny because it is literally the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about getting up.  After it, I do my bible study reading and/or devotional (right now I'm doing Now is the time: Acts from YOUversion) and then I pray for those on my mind and on my prayer list.  During that time a scripture usually starts to run around in my brain that I share on Facebook.  Then I get up and start my day.  But always this prayer and almost always before I open my eyes.

I love that I start the day this way.  I love that, no matter what is going on, God is a part of me and my life.  I love that each day I start with Him.  I love that I ask for presence to make a difference in my life.  And I love that it's not just routine, but that there are days, like today, that I can sit and ruminate (I love that word) in how I don't just believe in God, but He is a part of who I am and all I do.  I may truly fall and fail at moments, but each day starts fresh and new with Him at the helm.  It's what makes me who I am:  imhopeful4ever!