When the Mission Seems Impossible

Today I started a new devotional.  It started with Acts 1:1-8.  Then it asked the following questions: 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by something you know God has called you to do? Do you follow through in obedience? What was the ultimate result?

I think that more often I feel overwhelmed because I feel unsure of what God has asked or wants me to do.  I wish He spoke with neon lights or little notes left on my pillow or a text or email clearly defining the plan would be great.  But there definitely have been a few times that I definitively knew what He was calling me to and didn't always love the idea or lack of agreement or assuredness we shared.  I do try to follow through in obedience, but often need a lot of reminding and a lot of encouragement that "This is God's plan for me."  I even often need a lot of second chances to veer back to the path after chasing a squirrel.  I am apparently a very slow learner.  

One case in particular that immediately comes to mind is with my job.  2 summers ago I felt it was time to leave teaching.  I was stressed out, burnt out, bummed out and just about every other negative term you can think of. It hadn't been a horrible year.  I had looped with my class and I loved them and their parents, but I was just done with all that teaching entails, especially the little things the outside world just doesn't see or realize they put on us.  I had been asked to consider a position outside the classroom.  After praying about, I felt so convicted that God was telling me my time in the classroom wasn't done.  But what if this other position gave me more freedom?  What if it would require me to spend less?  What if it would take away the added stress of lesson plans, testing, conferencing with parents?  What if I got to travel?  What if? What it? What if?  I have very few times that I ever felt God so clearly give me a direction.  "I am NOT done with you here yet.  You have more work to do."  So, I stayed.  I thanked the person with the offer but just felt that now was not the time.  I knew I had to stay, but wondered how much I was going to regret it.  I felt like I did as a child being told I couldn't go to the birthday party because of other plans, but I just knew that it was going to be better than what I had. 

The last 2 years have been....WOW!  The first year was very challenging, but at the end of the year, I knew exactly why I had been called to stay.  It wasn't easy, but I saw the why. Last summer I considered it again and after talking and praying with my closest friend, we agreed God wanted me in the classroom.  This year has been amazing.  I have had the opportunity to work with a hearing impaired child that has stretched my teaching to new limits. I have been invigorated and refreshed.  I have a class of such darlings that in December I started getting teary when people mentioned the end of the year.  I was chosen our school's teacher of the year, an honor that has filled my heart with such encouragement through comments of my peers and our parents that I can't express the joy adequately.  And that has also caused me to be reflective; I have had the chance to see how much I have learned and grown through my boss and coworkers.  I also have seen such heartache in others that I have been driven to not wait until tomorrow to let others know how much I appreciate them or the things they do.  My heart has grown.  

Has it been easy?  No!  Has it been smooth and stress free?  Absolutely not!  Has it been all roses and blessings?  No way!  Has it been worth it?  Definitely!  I am grateful for the blessings.  I am grateful for the lessons (even if some came through really hard times).  I am grateful for the relationships.  I am grateful for the way He has shown me His will and my purpose in it.  Most of all, I am grateful for His love and His plan for me even when it's not what I want or think is best.  I am so grateful that He knows that plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  I am so grateful that He can use even someone like me and I can't wait to see what He has for me in the future!!!

What a way to start the day!

Every morning I wake up and before I even get out of bed, I begin to pray.  Sometimes my mind is muddled and foggy when I start so I always start by thank God for this day.  "Lord, I know not what this day brings forth, but you do.  Whatever it is be with me.  If I am to stand, help me stand wisely. If I am to sit, help me sit quietly.  If I am to lay, help me lay patiently.  Let me rest in You in all I do."  It's a hodge podge of prayers I've learned over the years.  Most from the Book of Common Prayer.  By the time I finish that rote start, my mind has cleared and I begin to pray for those around me and with more specifics.  Some days as I pray, my mind is distracted and no matter how hard I claim peace and focus, it's a struggle.  Other days I have so much on my heart to lift up, I feel almost desperate as I pray.  

Today was one of those latter days.  A parishioner from church needs a heart transplant desperately.  A blog I stumbled across a few years ago is written by the mother of a little girl who is losing a desperate fight with brain cancer.  Another parishioner from church is starting to feel better from an accident she was in; healing we' e been praying for.  A friend is leaving a bad work situation hoping to find God's plan for her future.  Another friend is feeling overwhelmed with life filled with change and choices and unknowns.  My children are facing life choices and struggling to make the right ones.  I find myself desperate in prayer that God will lead them.  That He will become so real to them that they know without doubt He has the answers for all our questions and will trust in Him to lead them.  He knows the plans He has for them.  He created them in their inmost being.  They are wonderfully made and He can and will work all things for good in their lives if they trust in Him.  And I pray for me.  I'm facing some issues that I pray may just be exacerbated by the stress of the often selfish world.  I often have moments where I just feel broken, exhausted, inundated, and lonely.  Yet I'm filled with awe and praise.  I am overwhelmed by the things I see everyday that show God's provision and blessing even in the worst of times, the unsure times, the invisible times, the sick times.  

So, as always, I prayed and I praised.  When I felt at a point to move on with my morning (because I am never done praying), I opened my digital bible to read today's verse in the plan I am working on:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24 NIV)

There is nothing that fills my heart with more joy than knowing God is there, is listening, and cares.  I don't believe in consequences.  I believe with all my heart He has a plan for me.  I could have read that scripture yesterday, when I was struggling with distraction and weakness and feeling under the weather.  I could have read it tomorrow with whatever it holds.  But no.  Today as I prayed with a feeling of desperation- this is the day this reminder comes to me.  Isn't He just awesome?

Lord, sometimes you speak to us in whispers in our head or heart, or flying on the wind.  Sometimes through the words of others, or a song or story.  Today is it through the scriptures you have laid before me.  Thank you.  Thank you for being present in my life.  Thank you for reminding me that you are always here.  Thank you for being big enough to create the world and all that is in it, but small enough to care about my every need.  Thank you for walking through life with me.  Thank you for creating a love in my heart for your Word and a yearning for the Truth that comes through your scriptures and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for so many more second chances than I deserve.  Thank you for choosing not only to create me, but to love me and call me your own.  And if that wasn't enough, then you chose me to parent and love and pray for 3 beautiful children.  You filled my heart with love, compassion and prayers for others.  You have chosen to use me to encourage and pray.  You have provided for my needs and privileged me with extra special wants or surprises at times.  You have opened my eyes so that even in tough times I see the Your light.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you, Lord.