Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q7

        Have you ever run from the story God has written in your life?  Do you sense Him inviting you, like Sam, to share the “from broken to beautiful” pieces with someone who needs hope?  Will you?

I think we all do, but this one I need to spend more time with to answer correctly.

Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q6

         Describe how unforgiveness can hold you hostage and keep you from moving forward in hope.  Is there someone you need to forgive or seek forgiveness from?

I believe, at least for me, that unforgiveness is like a poison.  It not only affects that moment in which you are hurt, but then slowly grows to affect other aspects of your life.  I believe that unforgiveness can even take over and begin to affect you physically, as well as mentally and emotionally.  I believe that if not addressed it can make you a bitter, hard, angry person.  I believe that it is sly though…you never see it happening.  You think you’ve moved on, but it has taken hold of an area of your heart and darkened it, keeping the Light from being able to get through.  Until reading this, I never thought about how it could also make you scared and weak, but I think that could be true too.  I’ve always thought that I’d done a pretty good job at working through forgiveness for events in my life, but as I read this chapter, I saw a lot of myself.  I also saw that there are some areas that I think I’ve forgiven or gotten forgiveness in that keep popping up.  I’m thinking that I’m still holding something back there.

I need to pray more and see exactly where the hidden unforgiveness lies and then I need to work it through with God.  This one is going to be ongoing. 

Thank you, Lord, that you are with me and willing to help me as You shine Your Light into my life.  Help me also learn to forgive myself and understand why I do what I do.  Bring me back to the hope that you have for me, renewed every morning.  Amen.

Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q5

           Read Isaiah 61: 1-3.  What are some things God promises in these verses that you are asking Him to fulfill in your life?

Isaiah 61:1-3 “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

First and foremost I long for His spirit to be upon me!!!  The peacefulness that carries is one of my heart’s greatest desires!  I also want to feel worthy – no, not worthy, but maybe free as I proclaim the good news.  I do talk to others and try to help, often because I’ve been down the road they are on.  However I was to feel that my broken heart is bound; I’m free from captivity; released from my dark prison; comforted.  I want to wear a crown of beauty instead of daily dumping ashes of guilt and shame on my head.  I want to feel like I shed my spirit of despair and am naturally wearing a garment of praise.  I long to feel strong and as an oak and that the Lord might see me as his splendor.  I will always try to help others; support others; encourage others.  But I want to feel what I want for them too.

Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q4

         How have past hurts robbed you of hope and affected your relationships today?

I think first and foremost they have made me question everything I do.  I even question why I question things.  I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust others, and often I find myself lacking trust even in God.  I trust God, but I find it hard to daily live that by putting my trust in Him for everything.  The final part creates an anger within me at myself; a disappointment that I can’t let go and let God be in control.  I’ve seen in the past 2 years that I have become very controlling about many things that I’d never noticed before.  I also have become afraid of allowing others in or near my life.  There’s an analogy in the movie “One Fine Day” that I’ve always really identified with.  Michelle Pfieffer is explaining why she can’t let George Clooney help her and says, “I’ve got all of these little balls up in the air (mimes juggling).  And if somebody else caught one for me, I’d drop them all.”  So it definitely has affected my relationships…I don’t have many.  I’m watching my kids, who I’ve been closest to, slowly edge me out of their lives as they grow up – which is as it should be in the sense that they’re growing up and becoming more independent and wanting to experience and build a life outside of our family.  I have very few friends that I can count on daily, much less when I really need something, and even less that I have reciprocal friendships with in; meaning friendships where there is give and take and sharing and walking together through life.  Most of my “friendships” are people that lean on me but don’t call or check in or anything until they need something, even just prayer.  My January, for example, was so tumultuous and people knew, yet no one called to encourage or support me, nor help me.  BUT, I feel that I’ve somewhat created that by trying to do it all on my own for so long.  And I have no other types of relationships because I’m too afraid to make that jump again.  My girls were very hurt in my efforts to have a “relationship-relationship” when they were young and that broke my heart worse than his leaving.  I don’t feel strong enough to go through that again.  So I made friends, but then that crossed a line and now I have a son who is hurting from being fatherless.  So, again, I isolate for fear of the pain.   And the longer life goes on this way, the less hope I have that it will change.  It’s not that I don’t believe it can, because God works miracles every day.  However, I choose to believe that maybe God’s plan doesn’t include those things for me because it hurts to hope.  Deep down?  imhopeful4ever.  On the surface, daily living?  My wall is tall and thick.

Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q3

         Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.  How has God comforted you in your troubles so that you can comfort others with the same hope He has given you?

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

 I love the sound of this verse, but I have a hard time accepting this verse.  I lean on God in all things (or try to) and I know that comfort comes from God, however I struggle with the line “who comforts us in ALL our troubles.”  There have been times in my life when I felt so alone that I couldn’t feel that comfort.  When I look back, I can see it was there and sometimes I know it immediately, but I need to learn to trust Him even when I don’t feel it in the moment. 

I do know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that I can see the many ways God has used the challenges, struggles and even just hiccups in life that I’ve gone through to help others.  My daughter dealt with severe allergies that meant drastic changes in diet and medication that led me to more natural ways to treat things as simple at common cough that I’ve shared with others.  My kids have experienced rare medical anomalies and viruses that have helped me help others to find diagnoses or even just to good doctors.  And God has taught me that knowledge in Him can help to calm one’s self, which I’ve been able to use to help my son and daughter deal with some of their anxieties. 

Again, I can see the many ways He has used my life to minister to others, yet I become frustrated with myself that I don’t trust Him more.  When I look back, He has NEVER left me alone, nor unarmed with His strength and love.  He has been so faithful and true, why do I question anything?

Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q2

      Can you think of a time when you asked: “If God loves me, then why…?”  If so, what happened that led you to ask that question?

      I sometimes have wondered that about my children.  “If God loves me, then why do my children have so many medical problems?”  “If God loves me, then why can’t my oldest get her life together?”  If God loves me, why can’t I find someone to love, cherish, desire and help me?”  “If God loves me, why can’t I make ends meet?”  “If God loves me, then why can’t I seem to get anything right?”  “If God loves me, then why do I fail Him so often?”   Each one has something different that led me to ask that question, but each time it’s my failure to live up to the image I have in my head.

Reflection and Discussion Ch4 Q1

           Has the pain of your past ever made it hard for you to believe God’s promises and plans for your future?  What do you sense He wants to change in your perspective?

I’m not sure I really know what God’s plans for my future are, but I know have a hard time believing that I will ever find a “happily ever after.”  My past has me pretty convinced that I will be alone and struggling for the rest of my life, but I’m not sure that God hasn’t let me know this might be true as well by releasing some of the great desire I used to have to get married.  Sometimes I still feel that ache, but it has gotten better; there are times when I actually am okay with being on my own now.

Chapter 4 Overview

God Promises Hope for My Future Despite the Pain of My Past

"Faith looks back and draws courage; hope looks ahead and keeps desire alive."  John Eldredge and Brent Curtis (quote taken from Sacred Romance pg. 158)

Renee started this chapter with 3 promises:

God works all things together for good.
You were created for a purpose.
God has a plan for your life.

She then talked about how easy it can be to doubt these promises when we are walking through the pain in our life.  She talked of those time when we question "If God love me why..."  She emphasizes that it's not bad to ask tough questions.  However when our questions make us doubt God's heart, our pain can lead to bondage and bitterness.  We need to ask tought questions, but also look for answers that show us the depth of His redeeming love, so that we can live in the promise that He offers hope for our future despite the pain of our past.  He wants to heal our pain and then use it to help others find hope as well.

She talked about one of my favorite verses: Jeremiah 29:11.  It's a verse/promise so many know; "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."  But she reintroduced me to the verses that follow, "Then you will call on me and come to pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.  I will be found by you...and bring you back from captivity."  (Jeremiah 29:12-14)  God's plans unfold each time we come to Him, talk to Him and really believe He's listening.  He wants to use everything in your life.  Nothing will be wasted.  He will use everything He brings you to, to bring you through.  He will use your past and present to prepare you for your future.  "We can ask Him to show us His purpose by revealing what is true about who we are and what we have been through that caused us to start doubting ourselves."

She also talked about how many of us run from the pain rather than running towards God's plan.  Isaiah 61:1-3 was a verse that kept coming to her, but it's implications terrified her.  It reminded her that the Spirit of the Lord is on us because the Lord has annointed us to preach good news to the poor."  The thought that God wants us to share our pain with others is scary.  We would much rather push it down, hide it away, forget it is even there.  However, we can not fully be made whole until we are willing to let Him heal our pain, comfort our brokenness so we can share His hope.  She prays that God will open the eyes of our heart so that "you may know the hope to which He has called you...and His incomparably great power for us who believe." (Ephesians 1:18-19)

We need to let go and let God write the story of our lives.  He wants to call us out of the captivity of our hiding places.  His power is made perfect in our weakness.  He longs to finish what He started, completing the work He has begun in us so our broken hearts would be bound and we, the captives, would be set free.  He wants us to experience the freedom of forgiveness.  "Invite God to enter into those memories (that cause you pain) with you.  Give yourself time to grieve your losses as you ask Jesus to heal them with the power of His Holy Spirit as you focus your thoughts on transforming truths in His Word.  As He shows you broken places, ask Him to bind up every wound with His healing touch and set you gree from any captivity that has help you until now.  Pray His promises.  Cry if you need to.  Just please take time, to heal so you can find hope again." (pg. 79)  Let Him bring you from broken to beautiful.

Praying God's Promises
Lord, You know the plans You have for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me; plans to give me hope and a future.  I'm calling upon You and praying to You, and You promise that YOu will listen to me.  You say that I will find You where I seek You with all my heart.  Open the eyes of my heart so that I can know the hope to which You have called me and Your imcomparable great power for us who believe.  Rebuild my ancient ruins and restore places devastated long ago in my heart.
Help me forgive those who have hurt me, just as in Christ You forgave me.  Despinte the pain of my past, You offer hope for my future and want to do a new thing in my life, making a way in the desert and streams in my wastelands.  When my soul is downcast, I will call this to mind and I will have hope.  Because of Your great love, I am not consumed, for Your compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Scriptures to Lean on

Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity."

Ephesians 1:18-19  "I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

Isaiah 61:1-4  "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."

Ephesians 4:2-3 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

Lamentations 3:20-23 "I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q7

        “We were made for love that isn’t measured by our last accomplishment but marked by God’s measureless grace” (p. 62)  Write a few when-then statements for areas of your life where you can apply this truth.

For example: When I am tempted to measure my value by how well I am doing as a _____ (mom, wife, woman, friend, etc.), I will stop.  Then I will thank God for His measureless grace that fills my gaps and determines my value, which is not measured by my accomplishments but by His love for me.

When I am tempted to become depressed by how poorly I am doing financially, I will stop.  Then I will thank God for His provision that allows me to provide for my family’s needs and the bonus of occasional wants.

When I am tempted to over extend myself financially, I will stop.  Then I will thank God for His wisdom and discernment into what we really need and ask His guidance for where my treasure lies.

When I am tempted by the overwhelming nature of single parenthood, I will stop.  Then I will thank God for blessing me with a child bearing womb and for always being there to be Father to the fatherless.  I will ask for His wisdom and strength that is always available to those who ask and believe on Him.

When I am tempted to take on my children’s anger or choices, I will stop.  Then I will thank God that He is there for them when I cannot be and that His love covers a multitude of sins so that we may live and learn His will for our lives.

When I am tempted to see only my failures and see myself in society’s light, I will stop.  Then I will thank God that this world is just a fleeting moment and does not determine my worth, but rather He does.  I will focus gratefully on the fact that I was created to live in THE Light in which I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

When I am tempted by the “brass ring” at work, I will stop.  Then I will thank God for using me to shine His love where often there is none which holds a much greater and more eternal worth than an evaluation on paper.

When I am tempted by the need to keep up with the Joneses at work, I will stop.  Then I will thank God for providing a job to care for my family who are my first mission field, not my last.

When I am tempted to become discouraged by the attitude at work, I will stop.  Then I will thank God for introducing to a group of people who are will to stand publically and pray for the needs presented to us, and more so, for me when I am willing to step out of my comfort zone and ask.

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q6

        What is the difference between salvation and satisfaction in Christ?

I think the major difference is in the way we feel.  Salvation means our life is saved.  We are no longer living under the threat of having to die for our sins because Christ did that for us.  We know that we will live with Him for eternity.  Satisfaction on the other hand is a feeling of joy that exudes all else we’re going through because we have Christ in our lives.  It’s the feeling of being contented regardless of how things are just because you have Christ with You.  We don’t have to wait for eternity; we’re living with Him now.

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q5

            Read Proverbs 19:22; Psalm 63:2-4; and Psalm 90:14.  What do these verses tell you about God’s unfailing love?  Have you ever wondered how God’s love could be enough?

Proverbs 19:22 “What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.”

Psalm 63:2-4 “I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.  Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.”

Psalm 90:14 “Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”

These verses tell us that what we want or desire above all else is unfailing love and that it comes from God.  His love is better than life and will satisfy us and make us joyful all the time.

I have many times wondered if God’s love could be enough.  Sometimes I so crave someone to sit with and hold my hand or a hug or tight embrace or even more that feeling of being loved, cherished, and passionately wanted by another.  I love my children, my family and friends/acquaintances, and my students, but it still so often feels like such a lonely world to me.  My life is very full and in my head I know that God is all I need, especially because He’s brought me so far and been so much to me, but every once in a while…  I want to believe His love is enough; to feel that it’s enough at all times. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q4

        “The origin of the word worship comes from blending two words to form ‘worth-ship.’  When we worship something or someone, we give them great worth in our lives and oftentimes we find our worth in them.” (p.58)  Where are you most tempted to find your worth?  In what area is it hardest to God define you – and not the world’s standards (i.e. career, financial success, motherhood, marriage, or ministry)?

I am very tempted to find my worth in who I am at the moment: parent or teacher, I think.  I am horribly addicted to approval, something I’ve been working on for years with some, but not as much positive movement from as I’d like.  I would say these final 2 areas are the 2 that I struggle with the most, but I also think that’s because it’s the only areas I haven’t given up on.  I’ve had positive reactions in these areas as opposed to the utter failures I’ve had in all the others.  I wish I could say that’s not why, but rather because I have given it all over to God and trust Him to be in control and these are the last areas I struggle with...but that’d be a lie.  Slowly, I am learning to turn them over to Him, but apparently I’m a slow learner and do it best from rock bottom, unfortunately.

As far as teaching is concerned, God is working that out, I feel, on His own.  It is a career, but also a ministry and I used to be more invested than I am.  I realized a few years ago that it is a job, and can interfere with my family.  I also began years ago praying each morning for God to take over in my classroom, “Empty me of me and fill me with You so I may do Your will and be Your hands and feet.”  However, I still would find myself slipping.  Lately it’s become harder and harder to see yourself in a positive light in this field.  We’ve lost track of what’s developmentally appropriate.  We’ve lost track of humanity.  We’ve lost track that these are children and not some type of automated creation that can do whatever we program it to.  What we expect of the children is unrealistic and unfair and the expectations on what we as teacher are to do have become overwhelming insane.  It’s no longer a career for those with families, but rather for those who have nothing else in their lives.  I’ve been struggling to let go, but often find myself striving aimlessly for success instead.

It’s been the same way with motherhood.  It has made my life so full and my kids have been such a joy, for the most part to me and to others.  But lately there has been an exertion of independence that has been followed by selfishness and bad decisions or just taunting.  It has all taken a terrible toll on me.  I don't just want to have "good kids," but I've struggled for the approval of the kids as well.  Often this has created such guilt in me that I have actually made decisions I totally disagree with.  I'm exhasuted having it all on me and that I can never win.However, again, I think that’s God.  I feel like He’s been showing me this year, that I’m hanging on too tightly.  I’m so afraid of failing that I’m not nurturing, I’m trying to control.  Children reach an age that they make their own decisions and we have to let them.  I need to trust Him to be there for them when I can’t.  I also needed to trust that He can make good come from all things and that maybe what they’re going through is necessary in His preparation of their future.  He knows the plans He has for them and He loves them even more than I could ever imagine doing.

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q3

1.      Are your closet, your schedule, your mind, and your life full?  How about your heart?  Are there empty places that you need and want to trust God to fill?  If so, list them.

Absolutely.  To the point that I lay and ask God for my mind to be still so I can concentrate on Him.  But, fitting in perfectly with what this chapter is about – my closet is filled with clothes that don’t fit right, my schedule is filled with things for others leaving little to no time for me, my mind never seems to stop, and my life is filled with chaos, yet I always feel lonely.  I know God and I’ve tried to make time to be with Him, getting up at 4:30am (sometimes earlier) to pray and study, but it just isn’t enough of Him, in my opinion; I still feel empty.  So, I would say that my heart is definitively not full.  I have many empty places and need to find a way to fill them with God. 

Empty Places:

Work – I pray each day that God would use me at work.  That I might be His love to the children and people I work with.  However, I get so caught up in trying to be the teacher the state demands – always looking for what study I need to do, what extra-curricular I can help with, what extra duty I can take on to help financially, I seldom say no when someone needs something.  I use to think that teaching was a mission, but lately, I just feel like I’ll never be what I’m expected or supposed to be.  And it’s reaching the point that there are more and more things they want us to do, but since there aren’t enough hours for all they want us to do and teach, they give us home access, so I work 9+ hours on the site and then more at home just trying to keep up.  And yet I feel unfulfilled and empty, like I’m not enough.  And I don't even enjoy it most of the time anymore.

Parenting – I have spent 21 years trying to be a good mom.  I’ve spent 17 of those years trying to be mom and dad. 

With my girls (now 17 & 20) I was just a kid myself, so I wanted to be the cool “Kool-Aid commercial” mom and I wanted desperately to be their friend because we were all each other had.  With my son (6) I have had an easier time being mom, but his medical challenges have been a constant reminder that I am only one person and that’s just not enough when he needs to be restrained or is screaming that he hates me or in pain and thinks he's going to die at the end of a long day at work with no sleep the night before. 

I have also tried so hard to raise my kids in the Word, with God as their best friend.  When the girls were little, it was much easier.  They loved church and loved to pray.  My younger daughter daily used to look at the sunrise or sunset and say “Thank you God for the beautiful sky.”  When I’d make them put their head down if we passed an accident, the older would hold the younger’s hand and pray for the people involved.  They used to love how I’d pray for them each morning before school and before games, or auditions, or anything special.  As they have grown older, that has stopped and their requests for me to stop it have increased.  I’ve continued, but in some ways I think that’s pushed them further away.

My older daughter went to college and it seems everything I taught her went out the window and she chose a path of promiscuousness, self-medication and bad choices.  She even landed herself in jail for a night earlier this year, yet has shown no remorse or even effect of her choices, but rather is still looking for something.  Therefore I feel like I have failed; if she had two parents, if she weren’t searching for that love, if she felt confident in who she was created to be, if I had raised her right, if had given her the tools she needs, if I hadn’t spent years pretending to be strong when I felt so weak… 

My younger daughter is so angry so much of the time.  She often finds a reason not to be in church, even frequently staying at a friend’s house Saturday nights.  She has a confidence that exudes cockiness and arrogance, and she lets me constantly know she is never wrong.  I’ve seen her be so mean and cruel to others at times.  The way she has talked about her teachers; and again, feel like I failed this time in teaching her respect for her elders, including myself. 

My son, who is the youngest, sees all of this.  He is still going to church and loves to read Bible based stories and looks to the Bible, loves to pray.  Even his behavioral therapist has included scripture into his therapy because it’s so important to him.  However, he often reacts as his sisters do, making similar comments, similar choices, and just acting in a way that is EXTREMELY inappropriate for a 6 year old and sometimes for anyone. 

And all 3 kids have questioned that if God is so important to me and so loving, why do I have to face so many challenges, why am I so alone, why doesn’t he provide me a helpmate, why is the youngest so sick, why was the middle sick for so long.  And when I respond that He is the father they lack, He has a plan for us, He can work all things for good, and now I know in part, but one day I’ll know fully…the older 2 don’t buy it and the younger doesn’t understand.  Again, failure to show them God’s true saving grace and amazing compassion and love. 

Church:  I go to church every Sunday.  I say the prayers with as much heart as possible, but honestly, I feel lonelier there amongst those people than just about anywhere. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q2

          Think about your desire to find a relationship, a job, a calling, or something else that would satisfy the longings of your heart.  Like Sam and me, have you ever looked to something or someone to fill or fulfill you?  Describe how that might have shaped the pattern of your thoughts, decisions, and pursuits.

I feel like I have always been seeking.  I’ve always tried to let people/things fill or fulfill me.  I have desired to be a part of everything for as long as I can remember and I develop anxiety if I feel left out. 

I think that my parents, in a desire to help me find my talents and likes, let me try everything: scouts, bluebirds, Indian princesses, dance, baton twirling, gymnastics, cheering, chess, home economics, Spanish, SGA, Key Club – from the time I was very young straight through high school.  My parents were very busy with my dad being sick, my mom having to work full time to provide for our family, and my brother was so much older and moved out when I was still young.  It was an intentional pushing away.  They were trying to provide me with a life instead of saddling me with the stress/burden of what life was really like, I think.  It was meant as a protection of my childhood.  However, when you try so much, you don’t really master anything, I think.  I’ve always wanted to make my parents proud, to be worthy of their attention and that meant trying to be good at everything and I just wasn’t good at anything.  So I got into more and more trying to find my “fit” – not letting go of the other things because I didn’t want to be a failure or a letdown and a vicious cycle ensued that I still get very caught up in.  I have a VERY hard time saying no.

When that didn’t fill me or even make me anyone special (mostly because I was so bad at most of it J), I started looking for someone to fill me and make me feel whole.  In upper elementary and junior high, it was the right best friend to get me into the right clique.  Of course I was always too anxiety ridden to do the things that made them the right clique, but if I could just hang out, then I’d be okay.  In 9^th grade I finally was able to get a boy to give me attention, but I was still just never enough and thus became my cycle of trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be and instead it just made me a liar and put me in a string of situation where I was not treated very kindly (to put if mildly) by those who were supposed to love me.   Now, like Sam, I sit at the well alone, wishing it were all different.

And unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve come very far today.  I still feel like the way I treat others is not the way I’m treated.  I feel like I’m that person everyone knows they can come to when they need something, but that’s about it.  I don’t get thought of the rest of the time.  And I’ve helped with that because I don’t want to burden others, so I won’t ask for help, but rather allow myself to get forgotten and walked on.  This is true in church and at work…and really that’s the only place I have friends.  I don’t have a circle that doesn’t come from one of those places. 

Reflection and Discussion Ch3 Q1

      What is the craziest thing you have ever done for love?  (I answered this for not just romantic love, but even love of friends/family)

Ignored who I am and became/did (or tried to) whoever/whatever others wanted me to be/do.  I’ve tried to let go and just be who I think I’m wanted or expected to be; to the point that I’ve not been sure who I really am.  I’ve turned myself upside down and inside out trying to be worthy of love and turned up alone and empty every time.

I also have the bad habit of cyber stalking people to be more involved in their life.  Like somehow if I know what’s going on that makes me a part of it or they’ll give me a chance to more a part of things.  I guess you could add “stalking” to that too, then, because before we had the cyber methods, I still just hung around in places I didn’t belong or wasn’t really a part of just hoping I might get invited in from the sidelines to the real goings on.  Yet, ironically, if I ever did I was so overcome with anxiety (getting in trouble, doing/saying something wrong, etc.) that I couldn’t enjoy being part of things.  I see the same thing in my relationship with my daughters.  I want so much to be a part of things that they end up embarrassed by me.

I've also allowed people to do things I knew were wrong; like physically or emotionally hurt me; just to hold on to them.  I've made myself worthless in the hope of being worthy. 

I sacrifice my time, my needs...me to be who others want me to be.

Chapter 3 Overview

Finding Love That Won't Fail Even When I Do

"How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!  People take refuge in the shadow of your wings."  Psalm 36:7

In chapter three, Renee talks about feeling lost in between he new life with Christ and her old life without Him.  "Life looked great on the outside: I was about to graduate with honors and had job offers, a new boyfriend, and a cute sports car.  But on the inside I was dying a slow and lonely emotional death that my doctor had diagnosed as clinical depression.  I thought about how I had filled my schedule and my mind with activities and responsibilities to the point of overload.  I was hoping they would distract me from my emptiness.  When overcommitment didn't work, I tried to drink my way out of the pain.  But my escape from the darkness into a temporary happiness would usually wear off by the next morning.  My efforts to dig my way out of the pit were more like a shovel that dug a deeper hole for my heart to dwell in, a hollow place in my soul where feelings of hopelessness held me hostage.  The more I did and the more I had, the more I questioned why I wasn't satisfied - and the more I doubted that I ever would be." (pg.48)

She also talks about all the crazy things we are willing to do for love.  Irrational decisions, sacrifices, eve crazy somewhat psychotic actions we "know will work" to get what we think we need.  We tend to overlook all the people who want to really help up.  People who want to show us all we do have and encourage us on journey, but their words only quiet our doubts for a little while before our old feeling of disappointment return.  We often find ourselves asking Why is it never enough? 

The answer is because we were created to need unconditional love, which can only come from one place.  We struggle to accept the thought that God could value us so much that His love would never fail - even if we fail Him; love we don't have to earn; love we can never lose.  Like Sam (the Samaritan woman), our needs are endless and the well of our heart is deep.  We wonder how Jesus can even come close to filling it, however, He created in us a deeper thirst that only He can fill and only we can stop Him from reaching the parts that need Him most. 

Renee then discussed how we get to a place wehre God's love can be our "enough."  We have to see that it doesn't matter where we worship, but who and what we worship.  We have to stop worshiping something physical and false - looking to others, to fill and fulfill us and believing that our value is determined by their acceptance and approval.  We have to be honest abour our life and the lies we believe so we can begin turning to the truth.  Worship comes from "worth-ship."  We have to set our focus on God to fill us.

She used a great anology of a jar and began filling the jar with items to represent the things we fill our lives with: people, cars, houses, jobs, ministry, etc.  However even once the jar was filled to the top with "stuff,"  we could still see holes, empty spaces that leave us aching and feeling we're not enough.  However, even if we take all of that stuff out of our lives, if we let Christ fill it with His living water - unconditional love - there are no empty spaces; in fact that love takes on the shape of it's container: us.  She encouraged us to start using "when-then" statements to help us stop and ask Jesus to help us see the worth we are placing in other things and the worth we are seeking in others.  For example:
     When I start to measure my value by how well I am doing as a _____ (mom, wife, woman, friend, etc.), then I will thank God for the gift of my roles and for the gift of His unconditional love that determines my worth. 

She also emphasized that we don't do this because God needs us to , but rather because we were made to worship Him alone and this helps us to focus on Him and recognize God for who He is.  We turn our focus to the Giver and begin to find our worth and identity in Him so that we are not just saved, but also satisfied.

Praying God's Promises
Lord, I pray the You would guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior.  I want to learn how to put my hope in You all day, every day.  Please help me stop searching for fulfillment in anything or anyone but You.  My soul thirsts for You; my body longs for You in this dry and weary land where there is no water.  Satisfy me each morning with Your unfailing love so I can sing for joy all the days of my life.  I want to be rooted and established in Your love. 
I want to have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep the love of Christ is.  I want to know this love that surpasses knowledge that I may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God.  Thank You that Your love never fails, even when I do.  Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You and praise You as long as I live.  In Your name I will lift up my hands, Amen. 

Scriptures to Lean On
Psalms 25:5 "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Psalms 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
Psalms 63:1-4 "You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.  I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands."
Ephesians 3:16-19 "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Proverbs 19:22 "What a perrson desires is unfailing love."

Life gets in the way

I am so sorry for the lapse in dates for posts (to whoever might one day read this), but my son got very sick and between trying to work, doctors' appointments, ER visits, etc., life just got int eh way of me posting.  I even fell behind in my reading, not because I wasn't into it, but because with him being up most nights, I would fall asleep reading!  It took me 5 days to read one chapter!  :)  But God is great and gracious and I still learned so much and had the chance to live some of what I was learning.  I was definitely feeling F.I.N.E.  God worked through that time and now, although I'm still behind, my son is healing, I am getting rested, and God has shown me some amazing truths much like He showed Sam at the well.  So time to get back to blogging and pray God uses it for His will!  :)