Overflowing

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.”

Colossians 2:6-7 NIV

Have you ever had a moment where you just see God's presence so greatly that you feel as though you might burst?  As I sit hear with tears in my eyes, I feel as if my heart is overflowing.  I feel so full I could burst!  

There are moments in our lives where worry or burdens, temptations or challenges, to do lists or calendars are so overwhelming that anxiousness sets in.  Anxiousness is not always based on negative  events in our lives.  Like kids awaiting Christmas morning or a long awaited vacation, anxiousness could be based on positives. Anxiousness has plagued me since I was a little girl.  I often dream of snakes (which I am terribly afraid of) when I'm anxious.  I can remember the first time I put the 2 together.  I was 5 and my family was going to Disney World for the very first time.  I couldn't wait!  Excited was not the right word; I was anxious.  And although my days were filled with plans of all the things we were going to see and do, my nights were filled with nightmares.  38 years later, I still have nightmares when I'm anxious; good or bad.

As I have grown in my adult years, I have recognized how my anxiousness overwhelms me.  Nightmares can lead to physical effects and at one point in my life I was so burdened with anxiousness I couldn't function properly.  I was sick often and that led to feeling inept and depressed.  Doctors prescribed medication to help, but it only helped sometimes, and a family history of addiction made me anxious about taking the meds.  It became just another stressor, instead of a tool to help.  I realized, in my case, I needed something different.  That's where my talks with God came in.  

I prayed for years for deliverance from this plague.  One day I realized that I was praying for relief but planning for disaster.  I wasn't walking in the faith that had so long been my constant companion in regards to this part of my life.  I said I trusted God, and I did with "that", but this, well, this was just too big.  My daughters were involved in a year of youth events where Jeremiah 29:11 was the focus.  One day it suddenly hit me that God knows the plans He has for ME.  Not just the kids or the others I see, but for me too.  His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me.  They are plans to give me hope and a future.  But what if???  NO!  He numbered our days before we were even created in our mother's inmost womb.  He can see the beginning and the end because He IS the beginning and the end.  We only see part of the puzzle but He sees it fully.  There is nothing I face that He doesn't know, doesn't have a plan for, or can't handle.  In fact He had it under control even before I knew about it.  He knows the plans He has for me.  No one ever said there would never be trials or bad days.  In fact, God's word promises persecutions, problems, and temptations.  But what is also promised is that He is with us and will never ever leave us or forsake us.  Sometimes we scramble in the dark, feeling alone, when if we would just open our eyes we could see the Light.

Dont't get me wrong, I still have moments of anxiousness, but now that I know those moments are part of God's plan, I have armed myself with an Arsenal to help me through.  I have also realized that this is my Achilles heal; my deepest weakness.  Satan will use it every chance he gets to tempt me away from God's life for me.  God knows that too, and He has armed me with the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18).  When I hear those whispers of "too much," I remind myself of God's plan (Jeremiah 29:11).  When I feel weak, I remember He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-11).  When I feel doubt, I ask for help overcoming my unbelief (Mark 9:24).  When my heart feels jittery, I ask God to know my heart (Psalm 139:23).  I pray that God will open my eyes so I may see the wonderful truths in his law (Psalm 119:18).  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the abundance and how my cup truly overflows.

This is one of those times.  The past 3 months have been a whirlwind and filled with enough...positive and negative....to make anyone anxious, overwhelmed, and exhausted beyond belief.  Yet I am blessed to see that not only has God held me together, but His presence and provision are overwhelming!  My heart is free and overflows with joy, love, and thanksgiving!  I praise Him for all He's done and for the plans He still has yet to do.  What a great gift to give the One who made it so!

Abba, thank you for this time. Thank you for the good and the bad and especially for the way you use it all for good in our lives.  Thank you for your provision, your presence and your perfect peace in even the most unperfect circumstances.  Thank you for choosing to bless us so abundantly.  Thank you for the chance to share your love and the words to use this time to bring you glory. May we continue to grow in you and may our mustard seed faith grow mightily and be deeply rooted in the fertile soil of our hearts.  Amen.

Pregnant with Hope

"For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. I have become a sign to many; you are my strong refuge. My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long....As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come. Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.”   Psalm 71:5-8, 14-21 NIV

A few weeks ago, our youth pastor gave a sermon.  In the midst of talking about the advent season, he used the phrase 'pregnant with hope' and instantly I smiled.  He had put words to the feelings overwhelming my whole self.

This advent has been such a sacred time.  My oldest daughter is pregnant with her first child, due right in the heart of this special season.  I can't stop thinking of Mary and her anxious anticipation of the birth of her sweet baby.  Much like Mary's, this baby was a surprise.  At first such shocking news that many were unsure what to think.  The timing was not of our choosing.  There was a denial of reality, especially since the pregnancy didn't reveal itself for 26 weeks.  (Which I have since learned is not so unusual.)  My daughter, not quite as young as Mary, but at 24, still seeming young for such a big undertaking.  The initial reaction was fear, but also of submission; ready or not for this change, a baby was coming.  And God's hand was obviously in it.  You'd have to work very hard or be quite blind to see it any other way.  

The funny thing to me has been the peace that I've had.  God has placed in me a wisdom and discernment; an encouragement and a calm spirit (all things I'm not always known for, especially in regards to my children).....and hope.  For as long as I can remember my life has been filled with hope.  Regardless of how hard it has been, every morning I awaken with hope.  Sometimes considered foolish, sometimes brave, often naive or juvenile...but always there.  I have, over the years, put on a jaded shell to protect my heart, but anyone who really knows me, knows it is an act.  My heart is tender and full of hope.  

During this whirlwind pregnancy, there have been challenges.  Yet never once have I doubted.  There have been moments of medical concern.  Yet I feel a confidence I can't explain.  There have been moments of surrender.  Yet I have had the strength to let go and seek help - I am not very good at that.   I have had the blessing of seeing God's hand at work.  Oh, what a gift during advent!   And the anticipation is so palpable that I feel I could burst!  But it's not just for this sweet baby's birth, rather it is for the hope I see in all the lives surrounding this.  I am pregnant with hope!  Hope has so filled my soul that words cannot express the joy in my heart.  I do anxiously await the birth of my first grandchild, Lorelai Grace, but even more I await to see all that God has in store!

Lord, I thank you for this advent season and the way you have chosen to make the nativity story real and new for me once again.  As the psalmist declares in psalm 71, "My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long....As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."  Thank you for choosing our family for this amazing gift.  Thank you for the new life you are bringing into our midst and for the baby joining our family.  Thank you for your watchful hand upon her and her parents.  Most of all, I thank you for the promise you have placed in my heart, for you know the plans you have for each of us; plans to give us hope.  Amen.

Do you measure up?

“When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon. Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.”

Genesis 29:31-35 NIV

I have been working through the book of Genesis (yea First 5!), and have just rediscovered so much richness and so much depth.  This week, these verses have really stuck out to me.  For those who don't know the story, Jacob has met and fallen in love with the beautiful Rachel.  He makes an agreement with her father to work for him 7 years in return for her hand in marriage.  After completing this requirement, her father tricks Jacob and he ends up married to Leah, Rachel's older sister.  The bible describes Leah like this:

“Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.”  Genesis 29:17 NIV

It never says that Leah wasn't pretty or what her strengths were, just that she didn't have the lovely figure or beauty of Rachel.  (Boy do I know how that feels!)  With verses like that, you know that Leah knew she was 2nd best.  But the story continues.  Jacob, rightly so, has a fit because he was deceived (irony for deceiving his brother?) and even though he kept up his end of the deal, he is still not married to the woman he loves.  So he makes another agreement and works another 7 years to finally get Rachel's hand. 

Now I do feel for Jacob and Rachel about the deception that has kept them apart.  I can't even imagine how horrible that was.  But, oh poor Leah!  She didn't ask for any of this.  She was forced into marriage with a man whom she knew loved her sister.  Then had to continue to be that wife while he pined for another for 7 years.  Then we come to our verses above.  At this point Leah has felt so unloved for so long, she just wants to be worthy of love too.  Each step of the next few years she thinks, "oh this is what is going to help him love me.  Now he will see me and he will see what I am bringing to his life.  I am blessing him with sons, I must be important."  It is upon the 4th child that her mindset begins to change and she sees that there is one who loves her and is blessing her with his favor: God.  But stop and think of the timeline.  7 years of watching the moony eyes of Rachel and Jacob before she is forced to be a part of the deception.  Another 7 years of being a substitute while he fights for his real love.  And then, at least 3-4 years of thinking, "this will make him love me."  That's 18 years of being unwanted, unloved, not enough.

I relate so much to Leah.  I have issues with approval.  I want so much to be loved; to be wanted; to feel worthy.  Not just romantic love either, but friendship.  I look at others who have these close knit groups that get together often and have lunch or dinner or go to the movies or whatever and I am truly jealous.  The people that are so admired at work that people just rave about them, instead of criticism that working hard is intentional to make someone look bad.  To not be the girl at last call, who walks to her car alone while she has counseled every wing man in the place about what to do with his struggling kid or listening to how fabulous his wife is. (And people wonder why I don't like to go out?)   I, like Leah, often think, "if I do this, wear that, or am there for this person, then it will happen."  But it never does.  I so long to be enough.  

The ironic thing is, I know I have someone who loves me.  I know (even though sometimes I don't understand why) that God loves me and cherishes me.  I feel confident that He has a plan for me; to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is with me always and I even feel and hear Him speak to my heart.  Why isn't that enough?  

It's been a tough week...month...maybe more?  I have been praying for some people that have faced real loss.  3 deaths in a very short time span: 1 to cancer, 1 to infection and 1 to an accident.  My heart has been breaking for the families involved.  I have been dealing with my own stress and roller coaster ride.  I've been mourning the distance of a friendship, the disarming confusion of change, the overwhelming frustration of not being able to help or do more, of being trapped within the confines of a situation that cannot be changed (and yes, contrary to some, there are those). I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  

Then these verses.  This morning, as I was sitting in the quiet of a sleeping house, I was praying about Leah.  It's a mindset issue.  For 30 years, I've wanted to be part of the "cool group."  In high school I joined every club and turned myself inside out and backwards trying to be someone I thought they wanted me to be.  Since graduation, not much has changed.  I have tried hanging out, inviting to lunch/dinner, starting group studies...and always feel that same broken heart I felt through high school when you realize you're on the outside.  It's been the same thing at work.  Even at church, there's that clique.  And I am always ready to jump when they need something because I want so much to just belong.  But guess what, I may not be a part of that "cool group," but maybe, just maybe, when I look, I have some thing better.  

I have my friend who also has a child with medical problems.  Her family makes my family and I part of theirs.  Her son treats mine with such love and respect and her daughter understands and respects the parrallel world that is his.  My friend knows when I need a hug and when to take a step back.  When I need a note of encouragement, or just a good laugh.  She knows what it is like to be a caregiver to a child who looks "normal," and the criticism, judgement and exhaustion that it brings.  And she would, in a heart beat take a day off work to sit in a hospital or doctor's office with me or even just run away.

Then there's work.  I may not be the life of the party, and often feel very used (gotta learn to say No!), but people come to me because they know I am trustworthy, competent and willing.  They know I work hard and if they think that it's for any reason other than I want the best for my school, that is their issue.  I love our students so much and want the very best we can offer them, and the kids like me.  

I have a support system at church.  Granted it seems they're all over 60, but oh the wisdom they glean and the way they love on my kids!

I have my beautiful children, who not only seem to enjoy being with me, but their friends do too.  We talk about everything from the surface junk to the deep matters.  We laugh together, cry together, love overflows.

And as for love, will I ever find "the one?"  Who knows!  But I've spent time with enough Mr. Wrongs and kissed enough frogs to know that it's not worth losing me over.  I'm okay right now and that in itself is a miracle.

So will I still struggle?  Yes, because I'm obviously a slow learner and quick to forget. And because sometimes I just want someone to slow dance with and hold me close or a friend to just show up in support without me asking.  We all want that sometimes.  But now I have put this in print and will be able to look back upon it during those times to remind myself.  Because all of the above accept me as I am.  I don't have to fit a mold.  They accept my insanity as joy and join in.  The think I am enough.  And who decides what the "cool group" is anyway?  I'd rather have my few who I can be honest with in the good and the bad times because they care about me and want to help me through no matter how deep the trouble is.  They are honest when I'm wrong, celebrate when I'm right and ready to fight the good fight if I'm being treated unfairly.  They understand that any strength I have comes from my faith and that my prayers are sometimes all I know to how to do.  God can work all things for good, can use even the lowliest, and He loves me abundantly.  I may be a little slower learned than Leah, but thank goodness, I'm getting there.  

Do You Understand What I Have Done?

“The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean. When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

John 13:2-17 NIV

http://bible.com/111/jhn.13.2-17.niv

This is one of those well known stories.  We hear every Easter season, maybe even to the point that when it begins we may not listen completely.  Yet this morning something new stuck out to me.  I'm Hos exchange with Simon Peter, Jesus comments that not everyone among their group is clean, for He knew who was going to betray him.  We know that the someone He is referring to is Judas.  In just a few verses, He is long to flee to go turn Jesus over to His death.  Yet at this point, Jesus washed His feet anyway.  "Even though I know that you are going to betray me; even though your heart is far from mine; even though you are going to take the good I am trying to do and end if greed...I serve you."  These is what went running through the my brain as I read.  Jesus knew what lie ahead and whose hand would push it there, yet He did not exclude him.

“Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

Not only does He wash the betrayer felt, but in that same discourse, He charges us to do the same:  to serve those who are not part of our circle; those who may betray us; those who don't seem to care. That means that person at work who always throws you under the bus.  The person in church who gossips about you.  The man in the store who judges you.  The child, who in a moment of anger, screams, "I hate you!"  The driver who is honking and giving you the finger as you drive down the road.  The friend or loved one who betrays your trust.  God has told us and shown us that we are to follow His example.  We must serve and share His message (whether by words or actions or both)...we must love like Him.  What a hard task, but in Christ ALL things are possible.

Thank you, Lord, for this lesson.  As we begin another school year, help me to teach my students to love like You.  Help me to show all those I work with and come into contact with at any point throughout my day, that You are king of my life and to serve even those who may not be the easiest to love.  In Your name I pray, Amen.

The Good Shepherd

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”

John 10:27-28 NIV

This morning I was reading chapter 10 of John which talks of The Good Shepherd.  I've always loved this story and the images that usually accompany it.  I've recently learned that it is the most widely loved image of Jesus by children due to the protective, loving, gentle nature portrayed.  

In my early 20s, I became even more enamoured with The Good Shepherd thanks to Fr. Bev Barge, whose affinity for it lead me to look more deeply.  He even led us on a journey to the small Good Shepherd's chapel in the National Cathedral in Washington D.C.  It was 1991, my oldest was just four months old and I wasn't much more than a baby myself.  Life was scary and confusing.  I sat with her in my arms in the tiny alcove and remember feeling completely at peace, calm, protected.  I knew everything was going to be alright, even if I didn't know how.  I remember feeling my heart literally swell as I showed her the image of The Good Shepherd and explained that she was like the lamb in His arms: loved, cherished and God's own.  

I have shared the story of The Good Shepherd with each of my 3 children and shared that they were His sheep.  Life has not been easy for us.  We have walked many rocky, steep mountains and through many dry, barren, canyon sized and wolf infested valleys.  But The Good Shepherd has always been with me; calling my name; asking me to trust and follow Him.  And my children have followed me, hopefully learning to listen also for His voice.  This is my greatest prayer.  

Today, I read the story again.  Maybe it is the time of year, but today as I read, I was overwhelmed with the image of my students as sheep.  Some from different flocks, some sheep without a shepherd, but each longing to held, comforted, cared for, brought to peace and safety.  They are growing up in a world where there are so many calling their names, and voice imitation has become an art form.  I thought about the fact that, because I work in a public school, I cannot share this story with them directly.  Instead I have live my life like the shepherd.  When they are with me I need to be the one calling their name, guiding them to safety, leading.  When they look, they need to see something different. They need to know they are safe.  They need to see The Good Shepherd through me.  My actions must speak louder than the words I cannot say.  I must plant seeds that keep them seeking for the One who can save them and lead them in a life everlasting.  My daily prayers for them the water.  My words to build up and encourage them to grow.  The shepherd does not idly watch his sheep.  He is active and even if his words are few, the sheep still know.  Society may make it impossible for me to talk about The Good Shepherd, but my actions can speak loud enough and I will trust Him to do the rest,

Lord, as we are about to begin a new school year, I lift up teachers every where.  I ask you, Lord, to watch over us and to guide us.  Help us plant seeds that draw these young ones to you; guard our words so that we can safely continue in the job you have called us to; enable us and guide us to show Your love, provision, care and peace to those we come into contact with.  And bless the precious little sheep who You are sending to us. Whether they are 5 or 15, they are growing up in a craggy, rugged land.  Keep their footing sure and may they see the wolves in sheep's clothing and know they are theives.  Protect us all.  Provide for us.  Lead us.  Thank you, Lord, for bringing us together.  May your will be done.  Amen.

My Mustard Seed of Faith

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” (Mark 4:30-32 NIV)

There are many areas of my life that I feel helpless and fearful and stressed about: work, my medical needs/aging, finances/being able to provide for my family, ending up alone, not being who God created me to be... but I think the area that I currently feel the most helpless, fearful and stressed about is my children.  I worry that I didn't show them enough.  I worry that they'll get hurt.  I worry that they'll never become who God created them to be.  I worry that they don't love God with their whole heart, mind and soul or even worse, that they don't really believe.  Through all of these things I remind myself that God is in control.  I remind myself that he says, "Fear not, for I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  I remind myself that He knows the plans He has for me and for my family and that He is the creator and perfecter of all creation; He doesn't make mistakes.  He uses all things for good and for His perfect plan.  He knows every fiber of my being and He loves us more than we could ever feasibly imagine.  

"Oh ye of little faith!" "Why worry when I have it all under control.  I have numbered your days and will use them in my purpose for you."  Lord, my faith feels so weak at times, when the world is swirling around me and I can't find my footing.  But you have told us that even faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.  Root my faith.  Grow it in you.  And hold fast to me when the world is swirling.  I believe in You and in the plans You have for me and my family.  help me in my moments of unbelief.  Amen.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. ” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. (Luke 17:6 NIV)

Growing up is hard!!!

I having been having a hard time lately with some things.  I pray about them all the time, but I'm stuck in a zone...a zone of sadness or maybe it's disappointment because this is not how I wanted things to go; not how I pictured things.  In trying to deal with it I tend to shoot of my mouth, get sarcastic, or make snarky jokes, but the truth is I'm hurt and confused and lost and well, I don't like that.  And then the guilt sets in.  The guilt that this is not the way I'm supposed to act; not the person God created me to be.  This morning I was searching for a scripture to help me.  I looked up scriptures to help let go, about judging, about being forgiving, about tears, about anger.  In my search I found this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

I was going to say that it got me thinking, but the truth is, as I read it, I felt a whisper in my heart.  "Stop looking at the negative.  Embrace the love."  I love my family members.  I want them to be happy.  And I do need to let go of some things.  I do need to look at others through fresh eyes, especially outsiders (friends, more-than-friends, etc.).  I do need to be more forgiving and/or maybe more forgetting.  And it's okay to share the tears and the anger, but only with God who knows my heart and can make it whole.  They don't need to be shared with others who may not know the love from which they really come.  

You see, my family is not like yours.  Just like yours is not like mine.  We're that family that spends an insane amount of time together and yet that just isn't enough for me.  I miss the others like crazy when we're not together.  I often turn down nights out with friends for family movie or game night.  When we do go out with our friends, some one is always afraid they're going to miss something.  There is talk amongst us daily, even though we don't all live in the same house.  We drive each other absolutely, positively crazy, but at the end of the day, the truth is we always are there.  We love more than we live.

That has been our life for so long.  I grew loving to be with my family.  I was a single mom early in my 20s and I loved being with my girls.  We grew up together, really.  Then my son came along and although his health issues shook things up, he mixed right in.  I have loved watching my children together.  I love the way they love each other.  

But times change.  Kids grow up.  My girls are now in their 20s and beginning to make their own lives. They are not around as much as they used to be.  And I find that I hate it.  Okay, hate maybe a strong word.  I find myself lost, stuck in a whirlwind of emotions ranging from jealousy to sadness to loneliness to pride to overwhelming joy to excitement to a chaotic mess where I don't know what I feel!  And I'm having a hard time.  Mostly because I never pictured this part.  I never pictured life beyond just "us."  

That whisper this morning to my heart was a good reminder that this is really all about love.  I love them so much and I just need to keep loving them.  And if my love is true, then it will be 

* patient during the rough times

* kind to open up to new members

* not envious, but excited for new adventures

* not seek what makes me happy (the old way), but seek what makes them happy

* not full of anger, but peace

* it will let go and for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances 

* it will be truthful, but also understanding if their choices are not mine

* and it will always continue to be there protecting, trusting, hoping and most of all persevering (especially when I fail at any of the above)

I need to stop looking at the negative and just trust.  God blessed me with this family.  He filled us with this love.  He gave us this weird, close knit bond.  And I truly believe He knows the plans He has for us and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  Most of all, He is love.  And that is enough for me.

Morning rituals

Every morning before my eyes even open I start my day with God.  I don't know how or when this routine started, but this morning in the midst of it, I thought about how my day just doesn't start without it.  It is such a habit that even if everything else in my morning routine changes, this still stays the same.  And as I was thinking about the whole ritual, I was thinking about the words in the two prayers (which have meshed together and become one for me), and how beautiful they are.

Good morning, Father.  You are ushering in another day, untouched and freshly new. So here I am to ask you, Lord, if You'll renew me too. Forgive the many errors, Lord, that I made yesterday and help me try again dear Lord, to walk closer in Your way.  But Father, I am well aware that I can't make it on my own. So take my hand, Lord, hold it tight, for I can't and don't want to walk alone.  This is another day, O Lord.  I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready for whatever it may be.  If I am to stand, help me to stand bravely.  If I am to sit, help me do it quietly.  If I am to lie, help me do it patiently.  And if I am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.  Make these words more than words and give me Your Spirit, Lord Jesus.

These are both from the Book of Common Prayer somewhere.  I have been waking up with it for so long that this is from memory, which also means I may have made slight adjustments.  It's funny because it is literally the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about getting up.  After it, I do my bible study reading and/or devotional (right now I'm doing Now is the time: Acts from YOUversion) and then I pray for those on my mind and on my prayer list.  During that time a scripture usually starts to run around in my brain that I share on Facebook.  Then I get up and start my day.  But always this prayer and almost always before I open my eyes.

I love that I start the day this way.  I love that, no matter what is going on, God is a part of me and my life.  I love that each day I start with Him.  I love that I ask for presence to make a difference in my life.  And I love that it's not just routine, but that there are days, like today, that I can sit and ruminate (I love that word) in how I don't just believe in God, but He is a part of who I am and all I do.  I may truly fall and fail at moments, but each day starts fresh and new with Him at the helm.  It's what makes me who I am:  imhopeful4ever!

When the Mission Seems Impossible

Today I started a new devotional.  It started with Acts 1:1-8.  Then it asked the following questions: 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by something you know God has called you to do? Do you follow through in obedience? What was the ultimate result?

I think that more often I feel overwhelmed because I feel unsure of what God has asked or wants me to do.  I wish He spoke with neon lights or little notes left on my pillow or a text or email clearly defining the plan would be great.  But there definitely have been a few times that I definitively knew what He was calling me to and didn't always love the idea or lack of agreement or assuredness we shared.  I do try to follow through in obedience, but often need a lot of reminding and a lot of encouragement that "This is God's plan for me."  I even often need a lot of second chances to veer back to the path after chasing a squirrel.  I am apparently a very slow learner.  

One case in particular that immediately comes to mind is with my job.  2 summers ago I felt it was time to leave teaching.  I was stressed out, burnt out, bummed out and just about every other negative term you can think of. It hadn't been a horrible year.  I had looped with my class and I loved them and their parents, but I was just done with all that teaching entails, especially the little things the outside world just doesn't see or realize they put on us.  I had been asked to consider a position outside the classroom.  After praying about, I felt so convicted that God was telling me my time in the classroom wasn't done.  But what if this other position gave me more freedom?  What if it would require me to spend less?  What if it would take away the added stress of lesson plans, testing, conferencing with parents?  What if I got to travel?  What if? What it? What if?  I have very few times that I ever felt God so clearly give me a direction.  "I am NOT done with you here yet.  You have more work to do."  So, I stayed.  I thanked the person with the offer but just felt that now was not the time.  I knew I had to stay, but wondered how much I was going to regret it.  I felt like I did as a child being told I couldn't go to the birthday party because of other plans, but I just knew that it was going to be better than what I had. 

The last 2 years have been....WOW!  The first year was very challenging, but at the end of the year, I knew exactly why I had been called to stay.  It wasn't easy, but I saw the why. Last summer I considered it again and after talking and praying with my closest friend, we agreed God wanted me in the classroom.  This year has been amazing.  I have had the opportunity to work with a hearing impaired child that has stretched my teaching to new limits. I have been invigorated and refreshed.  I have a class of such darlings that in December I started getting teary when people mentioned the end of the year.  I was chosen our school's teacher of the year, an honor that has filled my heart with such encouragement through comments of my peers and our parents that I can't express the joy adequately.  And that has also caused me to be reflective; I have had the chance to see how much I have learned and grown through my boss and coworkers.  I also have seen such heartache in others that I have been driven to not wait until tomorrow to let others know how much I appreciate them or the things they do.  My heart has grown.  

Has it been easy?  No!  Has it been smooth and stress free?  Absolutely not!  Has it been all roses and blessings?  No way!  Has it been worth it?  Definitely!  I am grateful for the blessings.  I am grateful for the lessons (even if some came through really hard times).  I am grateful for the relationships.  I am grateful for the way He has shown me His will and my purpose in it.  Most of all, I am grateful for His love and His plan for me even when it's not what I want or think is best.  I am so grateful that He knows that plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  I am so grateful that He can use even someone like me and I can't wait to see what He has for me in the future!!!

What a way to start the day!

Every morning I wake up and before I even get out of bed, I begin to pray.  Sometimes my mind is muddled and foggy when I start so I always start by thank God for this day.  "Lord, I know not what this day brings forth, but you do.  Whatever it is be with me.  If I am to stand, help me stand wisely. If I am to sit, help me sit quietly.  If I am to lay, help me lay patiently.  Let me rest in You in all I do."  It's a hodge podge of prayers I've learned over the years.  Most from the Book of Common Prayer.  By the time I finish that rote start, my mind has cleared and I begin to pray for those around me and with more specifics.  Some days as I pray, my mind is distracted and no matter how hard I claim peace and focus, it's a struggle.  Other days I have so much on my heart to lift up, I feel almost desperate as I pray.  

Today was one of those latter days.  A parishioner from church needs a heart transplant desperately.  A blog I stumbled across a few years ago is written by the mother of a little girl who is losing a desperate fight with brain cancer.  Another parishioner from church is starting to feel better from an accident she was in; healing we' e been praying for.  A friend is leaving a bad work situation hoping to find God's plan for her future.  Another friend is feeling overwhelmed with life filled with change and choices and unknowns.  My children are facing life choices and struggling to make the right ones.  I find myself desperate in prayer that God will lead them.  That He will become so real to them that they know without doubt He has the answers for all our questions and will trust in Him to lead them.  He knows the plans He has for them.  He created them in their inmost being.  They are wonderfully made and He can and will work all things for good in their lives if they trust in Him.  And I pray for me.  I'm facing some issues that I pray may just be exacerbated by the stress of the often selfish world.  I often have moments where I just feel broken, exhausted, inundated, and lonely.  Yet I'm filled with awe and praise.  I am overwhelmed by the things I see everyday that show God's provision and blessing even in the worst of times, the unsure times, the invisible times, the sick times.  

So, as always, I prayed and I praised.  When I felt at a point to move on with my morning (because I am never done praying), I opened my digital bible to read today's verse in the plan I am working on:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24 NIV)

There is nothing that fills my heart with more joy than knowing God is there, is listening, and cares.  I don't believe in consequences.  I believe with all my heart He has a plan for me.  I could have read that scripture yesterday, when I was struggling with distraction and weakness and feeling under the weather.  I could have read it tomorrow with whatever it holds.  But no.  Today as I prayed with a feeling of desperation- this is the day this reminder comes to me.  Isn't He just awesome?

Lord, sometimes you speak to us in whispers in our head or heart, or flying on the wind.  Sometimes through the words of others, or a song or story.  Today is it through the scriptures you have laid before me.  Thank you.  Thank you for being present in my life.  Thank you for reminding me that you are always here.  Thank you for being big enough to create the world and all that is in it, but small enough to care about my every need.  Thank you for walking through life with me.  Thank you for creating a love in my heart for your Word and a yearning for the Truth that comes through your scriptures and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for so many more second chances than I deserve.  Thank you for choosing not only to create me, but to love me and call me your own.  And if that wasn't enough, then you chose me to parent and love and pray for 3 beautiful children.  You filled my heart with love, compassion and prayers for others.  You have chosen to use me to encourage and pray.  You have provided for my needs and privileged me with extra special wants or surprises at times.  You have opened my eyes so that even in tough times I see the Your light.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you, Lord.

He Knew Me!

Romans 8:28 is a commonly quoted verse, but have you ever really looked at the words?  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (Romans 8:28-30 NIV)

I have to admit, that even though I frequently pray, praise and stand on this promise, today I noticed something new.  Something that changed everything I'd ever been told regarding this verse.  Something that gives me joy and hope.

I have spent many years hoping this verse was true for me; that I was one of those called.  I had always been led to believe that not all were called.  Over the years, it has provided me stress and worry sometimes as to whether of not God chose me or if I was just trying to force myself amongst the group.  After seeing Facing the Giants (which is my FAVORITE movie), I began "praying for rain and preparing my fields."  In other words, living my life in knowing the limitlessness of what God can do and also live preparing for it to be so for me and hoping it would be so.  

BUT - look at the start of the second sentence in our portion: "For those God foreknew"  Think about that phrase and let it sink in completely.  Foreknew means knew before.  For those God knew before.  God is the creator of all things.  He created each of us and not only created, but created with a plan and a purpose to work for good in His kingdom.  Throughout His word we find that He knew us before we were in our mother's womb.  He had thought of us before we were even conceived.  I'd say that is the epitome of foreknew.

So, that means this verse is for each of us.  God foreknew us, which means He predestined us to be conformed to the image of His son.  And if we are predestined, then we are called by Him to do his will.  And if we are called, then we are justified.  If we are justified, then we are glorified.  We have all been called according to His purpose and He can work all things for good, even the mistakes or the bad things done.  However, we also need to remember this, that it is for HIS purpose.  His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts.  We are limited in our views and cannot see the whole picture.  Haven't we all had those moments when we look back and see something that we thought was devastating at one point in our lives and realize how it led to something better?  I know I have!  We are brokenhearted when a relationship ends or we don't get the job, but later in life you see how that could have altered your entire reality now and all the blessings it includes.  

The example that jumps to my mind is a lost relationship.  We were engaged, the wedding planned, the dresses bought, the flowers ordered, the reception paid for.  And then it ended.  I still to this day am not even sure why.  And I spent years devastated.  I would lock myself in a room and try on my wedding dress.  I would dance in the mirror and think about what might have been.  Then I would fall into a puddle crying out to God, "why?!?"  But weekly moved to monthly and monthly moved to every now and then and finally 8 years later, I let the dress go and the dream that went with it.  He moved on right away; was married to someone else within a year.  Then divorced again and remarried.  I ran into him first at his work while I was nearby for a college tour and then at his stepfather's funeral.  Both times, those old feelings came back and I wondered what happened, but they were easily pushed aside with the fact that he was doing well.  Adult life has never been easy for me, and I still have moments that I remember that time in my life: a princess at a ball; showered with love; a beautiful house awaiting me; the chance to stay home with my kids; an adventurous life ahead; a companion to walk with.  BUT...if that had worked out: I would not have been here when my father died nor spent his last weeks in his presence; I would not have worked where I currently work and reconnected with so many people; I would not have my son (might have a son, but not the one I have); my girls would not have grown up in Central Florida and participated in so many things they did; we would not have the memories we have.  Life would be completely different.  I see how that had to end for this to be.  God could see more than I could, including pain.  18 years later, I see that I was in love with a dream, and I remember only the best parts, not how things really were or the dailyness and struggles of would have been.  He worked it all for good.  I know that now. 

Did/do bad things happen?  Of course!  Because we have the free will to choose what we do.  We don't always make the right decisions.  We base our choices on what we see.  We often disagree with God's choice because we cannot see the whole picture yet and how this moment fits in.  I try to make decisions prayerfully, but there are moments when I don't know what to choose.  Maybe I'm not listening, maybe that particular choice doesn't matter too much in the big scheme of things, maybe the world has too much influence on me, maybe I am stubborn and willful.  But I am alive.  I was created.  So that means that I am predestined.  I am made in the image if Christ and I have the choice to conform and love God.  And God will work all things for good for His plan.  If I conform; if I live in love, I will see how that means it will work for good in my life.

Thank you, Lord, that you knew us before we were even conceived.  Thank you for creating us in your image and for choosing us to conform to the image of your living Son.  Thank you for inviting us to love.  Thank you that you want us all; to lose not even one of us.  Thank you that when I become lost, you seek after me like the lost sheep spoken of in chapter 10 of Matthew (8-14).  Thank you that even when I am lost, you will find me and then use those lost moments for good.  Thank you for walking with me when I make those missteps on the path and comforting me when I can't see the good.  Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you would work good in my life and use my life for your purpose.  Thank you for sending your Son to die on a cross so that I may be justified.  Thank you, most of all, for moments like these when you teach me something new and when you show me how You are, have and, I know, will continue to work in my life.  Praise you, Lord, Father and King.  Amen.

Who Am I?

This week has been one of those weeks.  Monday and Tuesday were days I felt defeated and beaten down by something at work.  Then Monday afternoon Ben came to my room after school and he was sick...again.  He struggled to make it through Tuesday, but had to be sent home after testing.  Luckily my mom had finished proctoring so she could take him since I had testing, teaching and a doctor's appointment.  Wednesday night I went to bed not feeling well, plus feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.  I kept thinking about when I woke Ben up (from my bed where he ended up in the middle of the night = restless night for both) and he yelled at me, "Why are you waking me up so early?!?  It's Saturday!"  "No, son.  Not even close.  It's Wednesday morning."  "Mom, this week should be over already!"  Agreed.

As often happens when I don't feel 100%, sleep was evading me.  While I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night/early morning, I was praying for a friend whose daughter is in labor, another friend who had a really bad day, my students, a friend who has been struggling as she is persecuted for walking the path God called her to, my younger daughter awaiting some news, my older daughter making some choices, my son who is "sick of being sick" and is preparing to face some things he doesn't even know about yet, another friend who is pregnant, forgiveness for a friend I let down, and more.  My mind kept whirling.  Suddenly, as I finally asked God to help me feel better so I could go to work, I fell asleep for about 25 minutes and when I woke up, I realized today is Thursday.  This week I thought would never end is almost over!

I am so grateful that God is weak when I am strong.  I am so grateful that He has filled me with a sense of others so that my focus is on them rather than on my own failings, feelings, and flaws.  I am grateful that I have Hope in my heart always, even when the path seems unbearable.  And I am thankful for His grace and mercy when things going wrong (no matter how minor it may seem).  Who am I that He should be mindful of me?  I think that so often.  But the answer is this: I am His.  He created me; in His image He created me.  He saw that it was good, and He doesn't make mistakes. (Genesis 2:27,31)  I already know that next week has some challenges in it, but nothing is impossible with Christ, if you believe.  I do believe, Abba!  Help me in my moments of unbelief!!!  (Mark 9:23-24)  God can work ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  (Romans 8:28)  And we are all His creation and He wants to lose not even one. (John 6:39-40) Sometimes the days are long.  Sometimes the breaks seem like they'll never come.  Sometimes treading water sounds like just too much to ask, much less flourishing.  But I have faith.  Faith in the God who created me and adores me (even when I can't figure out why) and who walks with me through everything.  I have faith in His truth, which is His word.  His promises never fail.  Sometimes it takes a little time to see the whole picture, but He always has a plan and it is to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  After all, hind sight is 20/20, because now we see in part, but one day we will see fully even as we are fully known. (1Corinithians 13:12)  All because I am His.  Thank you, Abba!

Conquering bleh!

Somehow (and I say that with a sparkle in my eye because I don't believe in coincidence) my Lent has seemed to start out with an emphasis on finding joy in all things.  Whether through encouraging words to a friend (that led to being used right back on me), devotionals, music, bible study, scriptural study on Wednesday...joy keeps coming up.  So I am working hard to use the search for joy in all things to conquer the low moments I've been feeling.  

Lately I just feel so, well, bleh.  I know, it's a very technical term.  I'm tired all the time, teary at everything, grumpy, sad, frustrated...these words don't do it justice.  I feel bleh.  I've considered blaming the weather - I don't mind the cold at all, but not enough sunny days, too overcast all the time.  I've tried blaming the situations in life: overworked, overwhelmed, under paid, misunderstood...but even when true, it doesn't help, it's just the way life is.  I wake up every morning, start my day in prayer with a commitment to try harder, but then the temptation to let the little things get to me creeps in and boy, have I been losing that battle!  I feel like every night I'm crying out to God with apology for a lousy day.

Wednesday we did lectio divina at church.  All that quiet and necessary being still was really hard for me after a long day...it's a common joke that I don't know how to relax. (unfunny part is the truth - to me relaxing is only going 50 mph through life instead of 150!). Especially this day.  It was filled with questions I didn't have answers to, people messing with my friends, interruptions in everything I needed to do, I left work late with only one thing taken off my VERY long to-do list because so many fires popped up along the way that needed to be put out.  Then I'm pulling exasperated into a space a church (with a happy meal for my son because I didn't have time to stop at home and get the well balanced pre-prepared dinner I made him) and the phone rings...it was my boss with a question about something I'm not even in charge of!  So instead of going home and pounding off my energy with a walk around the block, dancing in the kitchen, or even just busily rocking to music while making dinner or lunches, I had to sit still and quiet and I was next to my mom, so no fiddling.  Oi vey!  But oh the blessing!  Our lectio divina was using psalm 51.  When doing lectio divina with a group, there are some rules (another not so strong suit of mine - sometimes I wonder how I survive with all my not so strong suits...but for the grace of God).  Part of the process is to have the scripture read 3 times (now you see the need for quiet).  The first time, you are listening and just looking for a word or phrase that touches the heart. Give me the JOY of your saving help AGAIN.  The second time (read by opposite gender as first) you are seeing or hearing Christ in the text.  JOY in all things and AGAIN, as in new every morning, because joy comes in the morning as I've (God) told you.  The third time (switch gender of reader again) is "for the purpose of experiencing Christ 'calling us forth' into doing or being."  Be joyful in all things, because again and again I am with you.  Then each person in the group prayers for the person on their right based on what they've shared through this process.  

If you read my last post, you knew I'd had an Epiphany on Tuesday, and then this on Wednesday.  So things started getting better and easier, the end.  Don't I wish!!!  Thursday, I woke up renewed and refreshed and ready to try again.  I did a little better, but still more flop than success.  And my poor friend and co-workers tried so hard to keep me on track and yet, I just lost the fight to temptation and bleh.  Thursday night, I didn't sleep well.  I was so bothered by my failure.  That's when I realized I have to be more intentional in pointing out the joy, the blessings.  I can't beat temptation with just my good intentions.  I need to constantly remind myself.  That means sharing.   So let's turn this ship around...right now!

Annoyance / Joy:

Everyone asking me questions / people know I am approachable and will work to help them find a solution

Working until 10:30 on a Friday night chaperoning kids to a YES performance / I was able to see the Russian National Ballet perform Cinderella...for free!  As a young girl I dreamed of this!  I never would have been able to afford to see this or expose Ben to this.  Plus we got to spend the evening together without any interruptions.  

Working on a Saturday from 8-1:30(ish) / I have the opportunity to learn from teachers all over the county, share their ideas and discuss our frustrations as we prepare for the 4th grading period

Being up early on a Saturday / my daughter in college texted with a problem/frustration at 4 am and I was already awake and could be there for her...even if it was just to listen and pray for her

I have to work on Sunday (another YES  performance) / another chance to expose Ben to some culture we couldn't usually afford to see, plus I love seeing him so exciting about the work of Pavarotti.  

Constant interruptions to help others / a chance to be a blessing in someone else's life

I could go on, but you get the point.  For me, sometimes, just thinking isn't enough.  I need to speak it or write out.  Share it with others.  Just a reminder that if we choose life, there is joy.  Every day.  Renewed.  Again.  And ours for the taking.

Lord, thank you for not letting bleh win.  I know I'm not last it, but with your grace and guidance and speaking to my heart, I'm finding my way. Out of the bleh and into the Light!  In you, I can do this!!!  I love you for loving me so much to walk this path with me...even when I'm out of sort.  Thank you for always being here.  In your name I pray and praise!  Amen!

Don't Mess With My Balls!!

Yesterday was one of those days.  I've grown very adept at putting on my mask, hopefully the smile one and moving through life like things are okay even when I feel the exact opposite.  Don't get me wrong, I have my passionate tirades like everyone, but for the most part, I try to be upbeat and I live to serve others.  The reality of my life, as few really know, is much heavier.  Things aren't always as they seem and sometimes the perfectly "normal" can be unperfectly chaotically and broken.  Sometimes dark clouds overcast my world or gray snowy skies better match my insides.  I wake up each morning during this times and try to find the rainbow or make the snow glisten...it can get exhausting!

Have you ever seen the movie "One Fine Day" with Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney?  As a single mom I love this movie.  My favorite line in the movie comes from Michelle Pfeiffer as she is explaining why she doesn't need help from the carefree, roll with the punches, usually only for the weekend dad, played by Clooney, "I've got all these little balls in the air and if someone caught one of them for me, I'd probably drop all of them." 

Yesterday was one of those days where reality decided to stand up and get real with me.  Everything was chaotically off balance.  Nothing was staying juggled the way I like it.  It was nothing earth shattering or horrible.  Some of it wasn't even as bad as it's been before.  But that gray cloud that has been hovering was casting a stormy shadow.  

One of the things to go wrong was my son's neurologist appointment.  It wasn't the medical part, it was him.  I KNOW my son is diagnosed ASD.  I KNOW what that entails.  I also KNOW how far he's come and how well he can and does do.  We have been doing this so long and the parameters for doctors' appointments are so routine that I sometimes forget how unnormal it can be.  Those memories are just witty anecdotes that seem unreal.  He was having an off day from the moment he woke up.  I thought the normalcy of school "cured" that.  We left early and I should have known when he walked in wishing the appointment was tomorrow that things were still off.  But he read quietly during the hour plus car ride and ate his lunch in the back seat seemingly fine.  We arrived early so we sat in the car for a few minutes and I closed my eyes (which are always heavy anymore).  Then the drizzle started so we ran in to avoid the rain.  His obsession with the drops may have been another sign, but he's VERY intellectual and honestly, sometimes I only half listen to his academic talk (mostly because he's so much smarter than me that I don't understand).  He started becoming ancy and clingy in the waiting room which is very unlike him.  It progressively got worse.  Add in a new PA who doesn't know our history and well, it was less than wonderful.  I was embarrassed and angry and confused and overwhelmed.  I cried the whole way home...he slept.  Throughout my teary drive, I kept praying that God would show me answers.  Not just answers from the appointment, which gleaned none, but for how to handle all this.  How to handle when my juggling skills are less than stellar.  How to handle allowing others to help.  How to let go and not be in control, but to fully let God be in control, which means accepting help when I'm overwhelmed and tired or need a break, which means knowing when to walk away from a situation and that it's okay to.  I talked to God about knowing He has a plan, but I can't see it right now.  Asking Him if that means that I'm off the path or something else.  How do I know how to parent in this?  Maybe discipline shouldn't matter on exceptionality?  Maybe I'm the wrong one to parent him?  Am I raising an excuse maker?  Who will do wrong and blame it on his disorder?  Or is this really out of his control?  If none of the behavioral therapy is working, what now?  Or maybe we need an exorcism!  Maybe it's just a demon that needs to break loose and all the doctors, therapists and specialists for the past 8 years are wrong?  (Yes, my mind is a bowl full of crazy sometimes!) I just drove and cried and cried out to Him with all my heartache.

We arrived home and I knew in my head that forgiveness needed to be offered, but I didn't know how to let go.  It's easy to say, "well, it's not his fault," but he is still accountable for some of the behavior when he chooses not to comply with the techniques and tools used to help get him back on track.  So I kept my words few; just one step directions with little emotion (I didn't have much left).  Once he had done the few things he needed to do, I took a nap and he laid beside me, reading.  I woke up about 15 minutes later realizing it was time to start our evening routine: dinner, making lunches, and I had to do it all before a scout parent meeting at 6.  So he was directed, still with few words, to sit at the table and do 30 minutes of splash math while I worked.  As I set about the kitchen warming dinner (I try to cook for the week on the weekends) and making lunches, I was listening to my current book "All In," by Mark Batterson.  At this point in the story he was talking about Job.  If you've read my blog, you know I'm a big fan of Job.  I feel I can identify with him pretty well at times.  In talking about all that goes wrong with Job, he discusses what Job did in the midst...praised God.  He then relates a story about some friends who had a blessing that was taken back.  These friends were worship leaders and days later he watched the husband sing Blessed be the name at a conference.  Knowing what had happened and hearing him sing "You give and take away" almost broke the author.  As the song began to play in my head and my heart joined in on the words, I began to break too...or more so, the cloud hovering over me broke.  

Unlike Job, instead of praising God for the blessing in the appointment (no new seizure activity), I became fixated on the curses.  God gives and takes away, including our comfort zones.  When everything goes smoothly, I forget that it's not as smooth for my sweet boy.  He has to work very hard for smooth.  I'm sure he gets overwhelmed and tired of it all too, just like me.  Except, his is daily, because he's working to hold it together...partially to make it easier for me.

Just in case I didn't get His message last night, God, in his great mercy, made sure to follow it up this morning with 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ."  

Lord, you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of The Lord!  Thank you for those you use to bring me Your word and encouragement.  Whether through the recommendation of a book, a prayer sent up, a text, song lyrics, a story/devotional or those who point me back to Your Word.  Thank you for never abandoning me on the cloudy days and for the promise of the rainbow that binds us together.  Thank you that you are not done with me yet...complete your good work in me.  And thank you even for the valley, desert, dark times: for your presence, your provision and you Light that leads us.  Most of all, thank you for my quirky boy and for all he does.  Thank your for his effort to comply, and help me in the moments I forget his effort.  Thank you for his heart which wants to serve you and loves you.  Help me nurture that while we work together to make it through this path.  Together in you and to you go all the glory! Amen

Stop, Lift and listen

This morning, during my devotional time, I was faced with the question: How are you doing in the “putting people ahead of possessions” department? 

I am not a good steward of what I am given.  I am the first to admit that.  Not because I am unwillingly to share, but because I have the bad habit if sharing beyond my means.  I want to help everyone with everything.  I would give all I had.  I used to think that it was just because I wanted people to like me.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized that's not what it is.  I give to people I don't know, people I know I'll never see again and even to people I don't care for and don't really want a relationship with.  

I've realized that I have total confidence that God will provide for me.  And with that in mind, I feel confident in helping others in any way I can.  Maybe a little too confident.  I need to stop doing and take a breath to ask if this is what He wants me to do.  Sometimes, I may robbing someone else of the opportunity to help.  Sometimes, maybe I'm robbing Him of the timing He has.  Maybe His power is to be shown in the waiting.  Maybe He has a different purpose for my treasures.  Maybe, He provided for my own need.  Being over generous can be just as wrong as being selfish.  No matter what we need to stop, lift and listen!  Stop doing, lift up our thoughts/choices to Him, and listen to what His will is.  

Thank you, Lord, for giving me a generous heart.  Thank you also for providing for me in the many times that I have given away even what I need.  Open my eyes and my ears to hear YOUR will for my treasures.  And may I never forget that ALL things come of You and of Thine own have we given thee.

Is it okay to be excited???

Ever since I was a little girl I haven't slept well when I'm anxious.  Doesn't matter if it is good anxiousness (excited about something upcoming or happening) or bad anxiousness (trial, tribulation or upcoming test), I don't sleep well. I haven't slept well in years, but this is different.  When I am anxious,   I frequently have nightmares during these sleepless nights and those nightmares are riddled with a particular thing I fear.  

This week has been a big one for me.  My peers voted me our school's Teacher of the Year earlier this year and each day this week, each grade level has been surprising me with treats from gift cards, to delicious snacks, to posters made by students, to stealth invasions of decorating my classroom.  I am so honored to represent my school, not because I think I am all that wonderful.  In fact ever since I was nominated I have been thinking about how many of my coworkers deserved this nomination instead.  But I am honored because I work with a tremendous group of people who serve our students with love and sacrifice.  I am honored because I love our students.  I am honored because I appreciate the admiration and trust of our parents.  

Tonight my week will hit its culmination with our district banquet.  It seems fitting that it is in the same place as my senior prom since that was one of the last times I was at something like this.  A night of elegance and honor, flowers and food, and celebratory comments.  My whole family wanted to be there.  My oldest has taken off work, my middle one is flying in from school (her Christmas present from her uncle), my youngest has requested a new tie and to be my escort.  My mother has been thinking about what to wear for weeks, and in true mama fashion worrying about what I will wear for months.  My principal and assistant principal will be there.  Several of my teammates will join us and of course my dear friend who also teaches with me.  We not only sold out our table, but had more people that wanted to come.  This is not a cheap evening, so it made my heart swell to know so many people wanted to come and celebrate with me.  And this week has been full of talk of what to wear, times, and just exciting banter about the evening.  For a girl who usually is in jammies by 8 at the latest, I am VERY anxious and thus very tired!

As I lay awake, I spend a lot of time thinking and just talking to God.  I find that amidst all this I face an internal struggle.  My struggle has been if it's okay to feel this way, to be this excited over something so worldly.  I have to confess, this honor was on my bucket list of dreams, right beside walk the Via Dolorosa and a tour of the Holy Land.  That's part of my struggle.  Is it okay to have such a worldly desire??  The things, the accolades, the honors of this world are not supposed to matter so much.  Pride is viewed as a sin.  In fact is is renowned as one of the 7 deadly sins.  (Which as a Christian makes me laugh but that's a whole other blog post)  The ironic thing I realized, in my many nights of pondering, is pride is not a word I would associate with how I feel in all this; it doesn't even come to my mind.  Honored, blessed, my heart full to overflowing, but not pride.   

God revealed something to my heart this morning about this entire thing.  It isn't the honor that is the sin.  The sin is in what we're willing to do to get it.  I think that is where my lack of pride is in this honor. I didn't DO anything extraordinary or special to earn it.  I love my students and my peers and I want to serve them in any way I can.  Yes, I spend my nights and weekends working, and I'm working on that overworking habit.  And yes, I take on extra duties, but that's about paying the bills, not wanting accolades.  I wish I could cut that list down...tremendously!  But the things I do in my classroom, the extra things I get involved in are not done for recognition.  They're done because I have a desire to love others and serve those around me.  I don't do the things I do because I want others to like me, but because I love others.  And I will continue to do these things.  

Love as you have been loved - abundantly, sacrificially, and with excitement!  And if along the way someone wants to encourage you or honor you, then accept it.  Revel in it.  Enjoy it.  And remember that one day your true goal is to hear those words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

May all the glory, honor and praise go to you, Lord, who has placed these people in my life and on my heart and provided for me to serve them.  Amen!

Working together

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. (Ephesians 4:1-6 NIV)

Abba, first and foremost, I want to say thank you that, yet again, you know what I need to hear and provide for it.  I just confessed to you this morning my frustrations with the impatience I've been feeling towards some in my life and how much that bothers me because I know it's not of you.  Then you bless my life with the reminder from your word that I am urged to live a life worthy of YOUR calling,  I am to be humble and gentle, patient, and to bear with others in love.  I am to make every effort to keep the unity if the Spirit through the bond of peace.  Thank you for the reminder of the life I am called to.  Help me to write these words on my heart and bind them to my memory.  And may they come to mind and nudge me when I am feeling frustrated.

Lord, I know I am NOT perfect.  In fact I am so very far from it.  I know that I frustrate others too and I know I don't like to feel like that is happening.  I also know I don't like when I can feel my frustration seeping through my guard.  The last thing I want to do is make anyone feel that way...like a burden, incompetent, or just like a pain,  we all have our gifts, our gifts are all different so that they can work together in and for your kingdom and all of our gifts are equally important.

Lord, even as I write this, I hear that voice of the enemy whispering contrary remarks to your word.  Your word is truth and it is the good I want my mind to focus on.  Help me put a hedge of protection around my thoughts so that the enemy's whispers will fall on deaf ears and those thoughts taken captive by you and your will.

Lord, I need you.  Help me.  Guide me.  Give me wisdom and discernment.  Help me to be humble and gentle and patient.  Help me to bear with others in love.  Help me to make EVERY effort to keep unity through peace.  Help me to treat others the way I want to be treated.  Help me to bring others to you through your actions, reactions, and love in me.  May YOUR light shine so brightly through me that others want to share its warmth and know you more.  Forgive me, Father, and help me start fresh and new.  Help me keep trying until I succeed and you have completed your work in me.  Amen.