The truth behind the smile

I am going to be brutally honest.  But first let me set the stage.  Anyone who knows me, knows I
L💓VE Christmas.  I love the music and movies.  I love the lights and decorations and parades and festivities.  I love the clothing and jewelry and head wear.  I love searching for the perfect gift for those closest to me.  I love reading holiday stories and doing holiday crafts and holiday baking.  I love planning the food for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I love the time with family.  And I love the story of baby Jesus' entrance into the world.  I read of it from all of the gospels multiple times and I watch movies about it and listen to music about. I love watching my children and now my grandchildren play with the nativity.  I love to sit in front of our fake fireplace, basking in the light of the Christmas tree, snuggled up in a favorite blanket, just being with my bible and God.  I just love it all. 

This year, I'm struggling.  I've put up the lights and the Christmas tree, even though the interest around didn't seem to call for it.  I started the baking, which my mom and I have shared the duties of the past few years.  The music is playing and the movies are being watched.  Everyday, I try to dress holiday-ish.  I've spent time making holiday bows and finding holiday crafts.  I've cut down on the the festivities in the name of not overwhelming us, but that isn't the truth.  I'm already overwhelmed.  So overwhelmed that I just don't really want to do anything.  I have had hard holidays before, but I don't remember ever feeling quite this bad.  And as I have sat this morning thinking about it, and talking to God, I realize I'm not alone.

So many people hide behind a smile at this time of year.  The family that just lost their son.  The woman mourning her first Christmas as a single mom.  The man who just lost his job.  The person mourning the end of a long term relationship.  Those celebrating the first Christmas without someone.  Those traveling hundreds of miles hoping for a cure for their loved one.  Those facing diagnoses.  Those facing the fact that they can't even afford to support their family.  Those watching family members make decisions that are hurting others.  So many are struggling. 

At first, I find I'm angry with myself.  How dare I be feeling like this when I'm not facing death or disease or divorce.  But then I realize, we all have pain and to try to take the feelings out of it just creates more pain.  Life is full of change.  Right now I can't even decide if the change is coming too fast, or actually not fast enough.  I feel like I'm in a stage of waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for things to get better...waiting for some type of resolution or closure. 

I changed jobs at work.  It is pushing me to the limits of myself.  I love what I'm learning, but I'm overwhelmed by how much I didn't know I don't know.  I work with a great group of people, but they are all overwhelmed and busy too.  I skip lunch, often work through my dinner, and even late at night.  More than I have in years.  Instead of 15-25 students looking to me, I now have over 700.  I want so badly to do a good job. 

At home things are equally crazy.  Our schedules change daily (but not in a routine change like the daily change at work).  Between sports, school, grandkids, doctors...there is never enough days in the week.  Add in trying to figure out meals, helping one daughter balance the changes in her life, worrying about the other daughter finding balance for herself in hers.

At home I find myself short and impatient.  I'm living under this weight of responsibility.  More so, I'm living under this cloud of constant pending failure.  I have family members hurting both physically and emotionally, but I can't find a way to make it less or fix it.  My son is growing through a time of growth and it's not all positive.  I'm failing to teach him the positive, right ways to handle things and he's drawn to a choices I don't approve of.  He's struggling with things, but getting a child with a social-emotional communication disorder to open up?  I think I have a greater chance of walking on water.  I miss the days of snuggling up for bible stories.  Then there are my grandchildren.  They are so precious and I love getting to see them every day.  I love hearing my granddaughter make up songs, or gasp in excitement as she sees Christmas decorations, or retell me stories we've shared as if they really happened.  "Do you remember, Grandma?  Do you remember when that silly boy saw it?  It was so silly, Grandma!"  (insert heart melting)  Or watching my grandson start to realize things have a purpose: driving his cars, trucks, planes down the hallway; stacking things to reach higher heights (and pouting when we take them down); pretending to use the vacuum and investigating why it doesn't make a sound (it's not turned on); heading to the radio when he wants music; going to find whatever he actually wants because he realizes what it is.  It's so wonderful!  Until I realize that while it is so easy to be with them, my son is feeling my divided attention and we circle back to the previous.  But then, they are struggling too.  Their life and family have changed this year and part of that change has taken a toll on them.  There is a sense of anxiousness and worry.  And they are toddlers so there is alot of teaching of expectations and procedures.  I've yet to meet the toddler who likes that.  My mother is aging and it shows.  We keep trying to make life easier for her, but instead it seems to cause more stress on everyone.

See?  Nothing necessarily earth shattering, yet.  Just overwhelming.  And I feel like in all these situations, it's my responsibility.  I'm the mom, the teacher, the caregiver, the support.  Is everyone really looking to me?  Or is that my control issues?  Can I have control issues when I've never had control of anything....ever?  Control is something that always feels just out of reach.  (I actually laughed at that statement)

I don't have answers in today's blog.  In fact, as I sit here typing this, I'm thinking about all the other things I should be/could be doing.  Like finishing up that pre-observation paperwork or finishing my Christmas cards.  But my heart says that there I am not alone hiding behind my smile.  That there are others that are smiling and going on with Christmas this year, while inside feeling less than festive.  We do it for those we love.  And for me, I do it for Christ.  Mary was overwhelmed and she still carried on the job God gave her.  Joseph, well Joseph had to feel overwhelmed.  In on something he couldn't fully understand.  Yet he carried on and supported those he loved.  And Jesus.  Baby Jesus born in a messy, smelly manger with animals all around him and the world and unpleasant place.  And as he grew, the dissension and challenges grew.  And then finally, he faced the cross.  What an overwhelming time: friends betraying you, people hating you, facing an insurmountable challenge that you really don't want to do, and knowing that although some would be so grateful, as the years went by it would be minimalized and people would turn back to their own paths.  Yet, he never gave up.  If he can do all that in love for us, the least I can do is keep trying. 

So, I cry out the beautiful bridge from Francesca Battestelli's Be Born in Me, "I am not brave.  I'll never be.  The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.  I'm just a girl, nothing more, but I am willing. I am Yours."  Abba, I am yours and that is why I can wake up every morning with hope.  I will continue to persevere.  I will trust in you for the strength to get through.  I know you know the plans you have for me and one day I will look back and see how all of this worked for good, as I have so many times before.  Please, help me find your joy and your peace.  And as I pray this for me, Abba, I pray it for all those who are not feeling quite right.  Whether it be a stressed out life, or a moment of devastating loss, be with them.  Fill them and surround them with the peace that passes ALL understanding.  And may their gift be joy.  That joy that comes even amidst the hardest moments in life.  I love you, Abba. 

Who cares?

"For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people.  And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."  Psalm 52:9

I found this verse interesting this morning.  It is attributed to David.  You know the guy: slays giants and lions and bears.  He's nicknamed, a man after God's own heart and is often thought of as a beacon of faith.  So when I came to this verse, I was surprise to see him emphasize that he would praise "in the presence of your faithful people."

As I've said before I tend to think about things or settle on thoughts that many can easily glass over.  But this part got me thinking this morning.  It's easy to praise God in the presence of His faithful people.  I don't have any problem at church or my son's Christian school, talking about all God has done in my life or daily is doing.  With close Christian friends, prayer partners or other confessed believers, I talk about the miracles I've seen.

But why does it stop there?  Why can I offer to pray to anyone, but fear praising who He is?  Why do I worry about how others will take that?  Why do any of us believe that only believers can understand? Even behind the glass on social media, I feel like I have to weigh my words.  What if people don’t like what I have to say?  What if they doubt my words?  What if they make fun of my childlike faith?  Why do I care what they think?  Do their thoughts change who I am?  The reality is that He is the core of who I am.  I wake up every morning and am able to put one foot in front of the other, because of the hope I have in Him.   I try to live every moment, base every decision, walk every day in who He created me to be.  I may fail (often and sometimes hugely) but His grace allows me to try again.

Abba, I am going turn this psalm around. I will hope in your name for it is good.  And for all you have done, I will praise your name to all people.  Thank you for your patience with my insecurity.  Thank you for your mercy when I fail.  Thank you blessing me when I don’t deserve it.  Thank you for your grace and your strength as I face the giants.  May my faith overcome my fear and praise you.  Amen.

Seriously?!?

Today started as one of those days.  We all have them.  Awake too early, not feeling 100%, mind swirling with so much on it that it hurts.  But, I don't like to miss church.  It's not that I think God would punish me for not going or anything like that, but I do feel like giving God this dedicated time is the very least I can do to honor all He's done for me.  We go to the 8:00 am service.  The very early service filled with seniors and classic hymns played on an antique pipe organ.  Not really my thing, but it's my mom's service, it gets me out with enough time to do things during the day, and it allows me to check up on all those matriarchs and patriarchs that have been a part of my life since childhood. 
So this morning, I open the hymnal to see the processional has 7 verses.  Seriously?!?!?  Feeling my eyes roll, I begin to try to fight my agitation.  You see, I'm a mind person.  If anyone could ever hear my thoughts, it would probably exhaust and slightly entertain them.  The inner arguments that go on, the crazy path my thoughts take, the intense thinking on the most unusual things, the fussing at myself.  I'm sitting in church mentally scolding myself for my impatience and agitation.  Is God agitated when He has to wait on me?  Does He get impatient when I don't do things His way?  Is He daily rolling His eyes at me?  I am rotely going through the prayers while my mind continues its own path.  Then the collect is read:

"Almighty and everlasting God, you are always more ready to hear than we to pray, and to give more than we either desire or deserve: pour upon us the abundance of your mercy, forgiving us those things of which our conscience is afraid, and giving us those good things for which we are not worthy to ask, except through the merits and meditation of Jesus Christ our Savior."

I can't help but giggle because instantly my heart was touched.  He answers the questions of my head and my heart.  As the service goes on, He continues to shower over me His love, thoughts and promises through His word:

"What are human begins that you are mindful of them, or mortals, that you care for them?  You have made them for a little while lower than the angels; you have crowned them with glory and honor, subjecting all things under their feet."

Then came the sermon.  It began with a retelling of the stoning of the woman deemed a sinner in John 8.  She was condemned, yet Jesus' response was, "Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."  The story continues, "When they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the elders; and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.  Jesus straightened up (from bending down and writing on the ground) and said to her, 'Woman, where are they?  Has no one condemned you?...Neither do I condemn you.  Go your way, and from now on do not sin again."

God's mercy is big enough to cover our sins.  He gave His son's life to so that we could be free.  Yet we not only face the condemnation of others, but of ourselves.  This morning as I was busy questioning whether God was as exasperated with me as I was at the world and myself, He was busy preparing a message of His love.  While I was begrudgingly facing the day, He was beautifying my view.  And while I sang the final hymn with a different attitude in my heart, He was preparing within me a peace that allowed me to come home and nap. 

Abba, thank you that even when I am impatient, you are patient.  When I am anxious, you have peace.  When I question, you answer.  When I struggle with frustration, you shower with love.  While I condemn myself, you offer me grace.  Help me to never forget to accept all you offer and to share that with all those around me. 

Big Brother is Listening?

I believe in God with all that I am.  I have absolutely no doubt that He is real and that He is God.  However, I can struggle with the role the sinful world and its temptations play in my life.  I wish I could say that my eyes never veer from Him or His path, but that's not true.  I wish I could say that by having God in my life, I'm always happy and at peace, but that's not true.  I wish I could say that I never falter from His path and always handle things in a Christlike manner, but, boy, that's not true!  Especially when my family is involved.

For the past few years, some situations have occurred within my family that have left me upset.  I've prayed every day for wisdom and discernment and even more for the ability to be Christlike in this time.  I've prayed for all involved; for a change of heart for me towards them, and for a yearning for for Him in their lives.  But in the past few months, I feel like I've lost my mind.  I wake up every morning ready to do God's will and eager to see His glory.  But the world gets in my way and I end each day feeling distressed, angry, frustrated, sad, bitter, jealous, selfish, irrational, depressed. 

And it has become a vicious cycle.  As I confess to God what I'm feeling, I feel like a failure that instead of seeing His glory and blessings amidst this trial, I am getting caught up in my emotions.  Then I get angry and frustrated with myself.  This allows a crack in the door to evil one's lies that I am not enough and I have failed my family over and over again.  That all of this is my fault; that I should have prevented it.  And even though I know no one could have prevented many of the things I've experienced in life; that I had to go through it to become who I am; I still feel like I should be able to do something.  After all, I'm a Christian mom and that somehow makes me super human.  And then I see my children's inability to grasp God in all of this; see how easily they are caught up in all the world's chaos; and now I've not only failed as mother, protector, and provider, but as teacher too.  If I taught them well, their faith would guide them.  And so, caught up in my own mess, I've been a lousy friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, mother, grandmother, teacher, human.  Then the anger sets in that where are all these people in my life?  Why don't they see my struggle?  Why is the reaching out my responsibility?  Why am I the one who always has to keep things together?  Why don't things ever go right for my family; are they facing the consequences of my getting it wrong?  Why does this person get it all right and I, no matter how hard I try fall?  And the cracked door flies open to all the lies the evil one offers and I end up showing myself judgement instead of grace.  It has led to a pit of great depression that is poorly hidden behind a smile, study and hard work.  I say poorly, because I know my cover has slipped a few times, but these were isolated events.  No one truly knows how deep I've gone; the moments I've wondered if it all is worth it.  The only thing holding me together is my faith that God has a plan and can make good out of all of this mess.  The only thing to hold on to is His faithfulness from the past.  I have been trying to climb out of this pit for months.  However, every time I pull myself far enough out to see, I lose my grip and fall back in, sometimes even deeper. 

Last Sunday night, was one of those nights, where my masked slipped.  I was beginning to become unraveled and in an attempt to pull myself together I shot off a desperate request for prayer to my dearest prayer partner.  And for the first time I confessed even a sliver of the depth of what I've been feeling.  I also told her, "...Keep struggling to try to pull myself out but can't seem to get there."  She showed me love and encouragement.  Her advice ended with, "...you are human.  Give yourself some grace.  I pray that God gives you a restful night sleep tonight.  Remember His mercies are new each day!"  So I put myself back together with a little musical duct tape, and went on about my evening hoping my smile and rough day would be enough to keep myself from being a burden to anyone. 

Have you ever been at this point before?  That point where your faith and your feelings are in constant battle?  Where you are trying so hard to just keep it all together and keep moving forward?  I believe in God.  I know His miracles are real.  I've felt His presence in my life.  I've seen His provision.  I've experienced His grace.  And even in this trial, I know we are blessed.  But that doesn't stop the temptations of this world from attacking.  It doesn't mean we're free from heartache or pain.  In my moments of prayer and bible study, I can feel His hope fresh and new....but then I step outside and the world is still there and the evil one is still attacking.  At times, even the strongest of believers can wonder, "where are you, Lord?  Can you hear me?"  After all, look at the disciples.  They were walking with Him, knew who He was, and still had moments of doubt.  Mark 9:24 is my heart's cry, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"  So can He hear me?  Does He care?

Monday morning, I woke up from another restless night of self flagellation.  Once again I sensed failures and I let my emotions getting the best of me.  After my morning wake up prayers, I listened to my assigned psalm for the day (gives my eyes a chance to focus), and I opened my online bible study.  The opening line read, "Don't struggle to get out; instead lean into it."  What?!?!?  I literally just said I was struggling to get out the night before.  What are the chances that those would be the first words I read?  Okay, God, you've got my attention. 

Katy McCown then proceeded to detail how experts state you should get out of quicksand.  Again, I was mystified because in prayer, I had more than once told God that I felt like I was drowning in quicksand; the more I tried to get out the more I was drawn in.  As I read Katy's words, I kept thinking about this scene from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:

This feels like my life lately.  My emotions, like the vines, are tightening around me.  I have moments I feel like I can't breathe.  The anxiousness within me has my heart racing.  The struggle to get loose causes it all to tighten.  Then the fear that I will never break free from it sets in which just makes it all worse.  The bible, Christians, even non-believers say to relax.  The only way to get out of the stressful situation is to find a place of peace.  But what happens when you are beyond that?  What happens when you can't get there on your own?

Look for the Sonlight.  The negative emotions that entangle us, come from one who cannot stand again the Sonlight.  The evil one shrivels from the light for he knows he can't stand against it.  The end has been written.  Light overcomes the darkness.  Good overcomes evil.  Eternity replaces this temporary earthly chaos.  I don't have to keep struggling.  I just have to trust in the Son; the one who gave it all to die for me so that I could have a joyful forever instead of death.  And I was doing that, however poorly.  I was waking up every morning expectant and hopeful.  I was trusting each day that He would be with me.  I was dependent on Him and His blessing.  The struggling came when I forgot that the faithfulness I see in the past didn't come immediately.  It came when instead of trusting Him, I tried.  He didn't always miraculous calm the seas of my life so I didn't experience things.  I've experienced a lot and it's made me who I am and it's made me able to help others.  I see the faithfulness when I look back and see the whole picture.  See what He was doing even when my eyes were not looking, even in unbelief.  When my focus is on the struggle, He is still working all things for good, but I don't see it because I become focused on my effort to get free.  I don't have to struggle to get out.  I need to lean in and trust Him while we walk through.  He is holding me.  He is caring for my family.  He will bring good out of even this.  And it may be many years before we can see it, but we will. 

I don't know if Big brother is listening.  I suspect he is, but who cares?  Because I know my God is listening.  He shows me.  He gets my attention.  He draws me into a rabbit hole of self discovery sometimes using the most unusual devices.  After all, I'm an usual character of His creation.  His masterpiece.  And He loves me more than I can even fathom.  And you too.  So stop struggling and just lean into Him.  He will bring us where we need to be.  I know it may not be an overnight removal, but I have faith and hope and I'm praying for us all.