I've been continuing along with the Experiencing God study. I've had to break it up further than most people. Most days I'm only doing half of a day, not because of time or lack of enthusiasm but because there is so much to think and pray about. I find that God is showing me things that get me off on mental tangents that's I need to process before I can go on. Like today. I've reading 1 Corinthians 12:7-31, where Paul is talking about the body and it's many parts. I was struck by these words, "If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?" (1 Corinthians 12:17-19 NIV). I started thinking about what we say about a person who has a part of their body that does not function; we call them handicapped. We have a special title that acknowledges the weakness of a part not working. But then part of me said that they still function? And Truth began to talk to me about two things.
First of all, when a person has a part of their body that won't work, they do still function...because God gives them the strength. However, one part of you has to over compensate when this occurs. Also, there is a different in functioning and fully functioning. When I have a broken bone I can still function, but I'm slower, more delayed, and often need help to get done everything that needs to be done. Which leads to the next Truth.
If I don't share my life, then I am handicapping myself. For example, a blind person cannot find their way through a new environment without assistance. They have to trust those in their lives (known and unknown) to help them "see" the next step and where it is safe to go. By not sharing my life I am blinding myself willfully; like walking into a room with my eyes closed tightly shut and refusing to accept help. I will stumble and fall and experience needless pain and maybe even get stuck.
This is so hard for me. I'm willing to share my story with anyone with the thought that if part of my story touches or helps them through their struggles than it isn't just for naught. God could use my pain. But the thought that if I share my story and accept the help and comfort people offer me? It feels too much. I am so undeserving of God's mercy. I have failed so many times. He is so gracious just to get me through each day, especially for a stubborn mule like me. More grace than I deserve. I am so focused on being used that I don't allow myself to be served. The thought came into my head that God didn't just create a hand to give, but also to take. Our brains don't just give out thoughts, they take in things and process them. Our legs don't just help us to walk, but also to rest. Our eyes don't just look, they then share what they see with the brain that process and shares the intel with other parts so that FULLY they can function. Does it sometimes fail to work right? Yes. Do we just stop looking? Walking? Giving? No. We persevere.
I need people. I'm actually shaking my head as I say that! I have so forced myself to not accept that Truth that even when I admit it part of me is denying it! Ironically, I can't help but laugh at that, because that is just so me. I've spent so many years trying to do it all on my own that people not only have stopped offering to help, but I'm not sure what help I really need! It's going to take a miracle; a total act of God to help me with this. Like the lame man who when told to stand said, "I've been lame for so long I can't stand. My legs are worthless." I have spent so many years telling others and myself that I don't need anyone...
I don't have any great wisdom today and I don't know what the next step is, but I know that God is hitting me with Truth. I need to pray about this. The I need to look and see where God is working. Watch and listen for what He is telling me and then adjust my life. I feel I need to say that again to solidify it in my head. I need to ADJUST my life to do His will.
Lord, you have shown me Truth today about how I've lived my life. I'm sorry for being a broken body part. I don't know what the next step here is, Lord. I don't know what to do with the knowledge you've given me, nor am I sure that I am ready for this change. But I want to be obedient to You. Prune my heart. Cut back the selfish limbs and the overly independent leaves. I'm afraid to ask that, Lord, I truly am. I know your plan is to prosper me. Help me to accept and adjust. Help me do it now before you feel it necessary to take greater measures to get me to move. Help me be the child that responds from redirection and not the one that needs a good spanking or restriction to finally make a change. Thank you, Abba, for loving me and talking to me. Thank you for opening the eyes and ears of my heart. I will wait on You, Abba, be my guide. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
