“When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon. Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.”
Genesis 29:31-35 NIV
I have been working through the book of Genesis (yea First 5!), and have just rediscovered so much richness and so much depth. This week, these verses have really stuck out to me. For those who don't know the story, Jacob has met and fallen in love with the beautiful Rachel. He makes an agreement with her father to work for him 7 years in return for her hand in marriage. After completing this requirement, her father tricks Jacob and he ends up married to Leah, Rachel's older sister. The bible describes Leah like this:
“Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.” Genesis 29:17 NIV
It never says that Leah wasn't pretty or what her strengths were, just that she didn't have the lovely figure or beauty of Rachel. (Boy do I know how that feels!) With verses like that, you know that Leah knew she was 2nd best. But the story continues. Jacob, rightly so, has a fit because he was deceived (irony for deceiving his brother?) and even though he kept up his end of the deal, he is still not married to the woman he loves. So he makes another agreement and works another 7 years to finally get Rachel's hand.
Now I do feel for Jacob and Rachel about the deception that has kept them apart. I can't even imagine how horrible that was. But, oh poor Leah! She didn't ask for any of this. She was forced into marriage with a man whom she knew loved her sister. Then had to continue to be that wife while he pined for another for 7 years. Then we come to our verses above. At this point Leah has felt so unloved for so long, she just wants to be worthy of love too. Each step of the next few years she thinks, "oh this is what is going to help him love me. Now he will see me and he will see what I am bringing to his life. I am blessing him with sons, I must be important." It is upon the 4th child that her mindset begins to change and she sees that there is one who loves her and is blessing her with his favor: God. But stop and think of the timeline. 7 years of watching the moony eyes of Rachel and Jacob before she is forced to be a part of the deception. Another 7 years of being a substitute while he fights for his real love. And then, at least 3-4 years of thinking, "this will make him love me." That's 18 years of being unwanted, unloved, not enough.
I relate so much to Leah. I have issues with approval. I want so much to be loved; to be wanted; to feel worthy. Not just romantic love either, but friendship. I look at others who have these close knit groups that get together often and have lunch or dinner or go to the movies or whatever and I am truly jealous. The people that are so admired at work that people just rave about them, instead of criticism that working hard is intentional to make someone look bad. To not be the girl at last call, who walks to her car alone while she has counseled every wing man in the place about what to do with his struggling kid or listening to how fabulous his wife is. (And people wonder why I don't like to go out?) I, like Leah, often think, "if I do this, wear that, or am there for this person, then it will happen." But it never does. I so long to be enough.
The ironic thing is, I know I have someone who loves me. I know (even though sometimes I don't understand why) that God loves me and cherishes me. I feel confident that He has a plan for me; to prosper me and to give me hope and a future. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is with me always and I even feel and hear Him speak to my heart. Why isn't that enough?
It's been a tough week...month...maybe more? I have been praying for some people that have faced real loss. 3 deaths in a very short time span: 1 to cancer, 1 to infection and 1 to an accident. My heart has been breaking for the families involved. I have been dealing with my own stress and roller coaster ride. I've been mourning the distance of a friendship, the disarming confusion of change, the overwhelming frustration of not being able to help or do more, of being trapped within the confines of a situation that cannot be changed (and yes, contrary to some, there are those). I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Then these verses. This morning, as I was sitting in the quiet of a sleeping house, I was praying about Leah. It's a mindset issue. For 30 years, I've wanted to be part of the "cool group." In high school I joined every club and turned myself inside out and backwards trying to be someone I thought they wanted me to be. Since graduation, not much has changed. I have tried hanging out, inviting to lunch/dinner, starting group studies...and always feel that same broken heart I felt through high school when you realize you're on the outside. It's been the same thing at work. Even at church, there's that clique. And I am always ready to jump when they need something because I want so much to just belong. But guess what, I may not be a part of that "cool group," but maybe, just maybe, when I look, I have some thing better.
I have my friend who also has a child with medical problems. Her family makes my family and I part of theirs. Her son treats mine with such love and respect and her daughter understands and respects the parrallel world that is his. My friend knows when I need a hug and when to take a step back. When I need a note of encouragement, or just a good laugh. She knows what it is like to be a caregiver to a child who looks "normal," and the criticism, judgement and exhaustion that it brings. And she would, in a heart beat take a day off work to sit in a hospital or doctor's office with me or even just run away.
Then there's work. I may not be the life of the party, and often feel very used (gotta learn to say No!), but people come to me because they know I am trustworthy, competent and willing. They know I work hard and if they think that it's for any reason other than I want the best for my school, that is their issue. I love our students so much and want the very best we can offer them, and the kids like me.
I have a support system at church. Granted it seems they're all over 60, but oh the wisdom they glean and the way they love on my kids!
I have my beautiful children, who not only seem to enjoy being with me, but their friends do too. We talk about everything from the surface junk to the deep matters. We laugh together, cry together, love overflows.
And as for love, will I ever find "the one?" Who knows! But I've spent time with enough Mr. Wrongs and kissed enough frogs to know that it's not worth losing me over. I'm okay right now and that in itself is a miracle.
So will I still struggle? Yes, because I'm obviously a slow learner and quick to forget. And because sometimes I just want someone to slow dance with and hold me close or a friend to just show up in support without me asking. We all want that sometimes. But now I have put this in print and will be able to look back upon it during those times to remind myself. Because all of the above accept me as I am. I don't have to fit a mold. They accept my insanity as joy and join in. The think I am enough. And who decides what the "cool group" is anyway? I'd rather have my few who I can be honest with in the good and the bad times because they care about me and want to help me through no matter how deep the trouble is. They are honest when I'm wrong, celebrate when I'm right and ready to fight the good fight if I'm being treated unfairly. They understand that any strength I have comes from my faith and that my prayers are sometimes all I know to how to do. God can work all things for good, can use even the lowliest, and He loves me abundantly. I may be a little slower learned than Leah, but thank goodness, I'm getting there.
