Is it perseverance or stumbling in the dark?

Are you up against difficulties financially, relationally, or spiritually? What’s one area of your life where you need help to persevere? Think about what you’re facing and how you feel about the challenges ahead.

Perseverance is a funny word.  When I think of a person who shows perseverance, I think of someone who presses forward with determination toward a goal.  Someone brave and heroic.  Someone movies are or should be made about.  One dictionary defines it as:

 

"steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success." (Google definitions)

Another dictionary states:

"steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement." (Dictionary.com)

Finally a third reveals:

"continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition" (Merriam Webster)

Although they all say the same thing there is something about the linguistics that make them appear so lofty and courageous to me.  What I do does not appear lofty or courageous.  It's more sloppy, happenstance and somewhat represents stumbling in the dark...wearing clown shoes...and carrying an elephant.  I get up each morning, spend time with God, and then begin my day.  It's a routine.  One the internal clock in my body won't let me forget.  (She says yawning at 5am during Christmas break.)  Most days the only plan I have is to make it through the day doing the things. God has provided in my life and as someone God would want to call His own.  Many days, at the end, even that feels like a stretch.  Thankfully, His grace is enough to cover me for another day and I go to bed preparing to try again the next day.  I find a lot of comfort in Paul's letter to the Philippians where he tells them "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13 NIV) and "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV). That whole idea that He's not done with me yet and won't give up on me, makes me able to get up each day.

Like everyone, I am up against difficulties in all area of my life.  That's just life.  As I've said before, I don't feel like I succeed in much, at least not much more than trying again each day.  But I think the area I would say I am up against the most difficulties is financially.   So much of this area is out of my control.  I am an elementary school teacher by trade, first grade to be exact.  We haven't had a raise in the 9 years since I transferred to the district I teach in.  In fact, with the new policies they've passed the only way I'll ever get a raise again would be to give up my tenure.  In my 20th year, I make just a splash more than the first year teachers.  Then add in the budget cuts and the increased curriculum needs, all of which are now the teacher's responsibility.  Jobs are hard to find, especially those with benefit options, so I daily remind myself to be grateful that I have one.  However, as a single mom, insuring my kids takes 1/3 of my paycheck, especially because 2 of my children are over 18 now.  And then there's my little guy.  My son was born early and with many issues.  Between the doctors he sees, the therapies and treatments he need, his medication regiment, his vitamin/natural supplement regiment (which is not covered by insurance), the specialized diet...it's rather expensive.  The older ones still have college costs, living expenses, and need help while they are figuring out how to become adults.  The younger has his own supplemental needs like money for field trips, scouts, school supplies, etc.  

We made many friends along the way.  Due to his voracious appetite for learning and his ability to read faster than lightening, we have many friends from our weekly (sometimes daily) trips to the library.  We have our friends at the farmers' market and the grocery store who help me find the best deals for my dollar.  We have our friends at the pharmacy who keep an eye out for the price of meds and similar products.  I have my phone friend in the referral department of my insurance company, who always works so hard to get me what I need in a timely manner at the least cost to me.  We have friends in scouts that share camping cooking costs.  We are blessed by the wonderful women in our church's thrift shop who are always on the lookout for anything they think might fit.  And then there is my mom and brother.  The eternal bachelor, my brother has been my children's star cheerleader, supporter and father figure.  And my mother...well, there just aren't words enough.    

My kids have always come first.  There is time for nights out, movies, new clothes and Starbucks when they're grown and on their own.  But they are only young once and I have done everything in my power to make sure they had the best childhood I could offer.  That doesn't mean name brands or cool toys. No, they have never had all that.  In fact my girls are still railing that my son (who does a lot of virtual school work) got a laptop last year.  It doesn't matter that it's from the dark ages and weighs almost as much as him, but rather that they both had to wait until high school graduation to get one.  But ask them if they ever missed out on church camp or retreats, field trips, concerts, experiences,  extracurricular activities to fit their talent...never.  I have worked for/with the directors to lessen the costs, organized fundraisers, applied for scholarships, worked supplemental jobs.  Whatever it takes.  Having my son definitely put a crimp in their style and the girls had to hear no a little more, but still, I did whatever I could to ensure they would make those memories.

6 years ago, my son's medical expenses were on the rise and his needs for therapies were great.  Insurance didn't cover many of his medications nor did they have pediatric professionals to provide for his needs.  So I had choices to make: continue with therapists who were completely out of their comfort zone working with a child like him or pay for the proper care he needed.  Allow them to dictate which meds he needed based on cost or provide the regiments my doctors (who were using combinations of medication and natural supplements to limit chemicals in the body) suggested.  I tried it their way for a year, but in that year, my son made no growth and even showed signs of worsening, especially behaviorally.  So I did what I had to do.  I put my child first.  I tried to work with the other bill collectors in my life, but no one wanted to work with me, so I lost my house and my credit rating is atrocious.  I made the responsible choice to get rid of all my credit cards years ago, so at least I don't have that debt.  But it leaves very little wiggle room.  My mom has opened her heart and her home and we now live with her, which benefits us both as she's getting older, but presents another set of challenges.

Still, it's hard to look at the future and see a way out of all this.  And I get so tired of people who say, people choose their circumstances and they can choose to get out of it.  It's not always that easy.  There are choices everyday I have to face, but the choice for some of them have consequences that affect so much more than my pocket. I can choose cheaper foods, but then I have to increase doctors' bills.  I can get a different job, but then I lose my benefits, retirement, tenure, and more, not to mention that it could mean needing further training or schooling which would add a cost.  I've tried the gardening thing, several times.  But between my schedule (lack of time at home) and the fact that I was not blessed with a green thumb, that has not worked out for me.  I know, I know, "anyone can learn how."  Yea, tell that to my dad who after 28 years if trying said I am the only person he'd ever metwho could kill a plastic plant.  

Finances: this is an area where I see little hope.  I will continue to try because that's what we do.  And I pray for and thank God for His provision.  And I'm sure I'll take a few more financial workshops (I've taken at least 6 already).  But most of all, when the times of failure and frustration hit, I will continue to remind myself of those words from Philippians and add in some Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."  And as God continues to work in me, I'll continue to stumble with my clown shoes and carrying my elephant...I just keep moving toward the Light.  

Risky Business

"When was the last time you took a big risk? What did that decision reveal about what you view as most important?"

I HATE risk, Lord.  I have always had an amazing imagination, but it has sometimes run away with me.  When an idea comes to me, my imagination runs wild with every possible outcome there could be: extravagant success, quick miraculous perfection of plan, fairytale ending, utter disaster, fleeting failure, destruction of all I hold dear.  As I have said before, my fear tends to conquer my faith and the latter outcomes seem to fit more with my life, so it makes them easier to believe.  

Example: all my life I've dreamt of being an early sitcoms style wife.  You know the type: perfect household, dinner on the table when hubby comes home, fresh baked cookies for the kids everyday after school, obedient and heart filled children, a husband who smiled when he walked in the door because he was so happy to see me, volunteer work to fill my days, no fighting or arguing, but love all the time in my home.  Add to that the memory that my daddy brought my mom fresh cut flowers almost every day "because a beautiful lady deserved beautiful flowers," and you'll get a hint of what my amazing imagination conjured up as my future.  Instead I was a broken single mom of 2 by 23 and one of them had health issues growing up.  My daughters' father immediately created another family and found himself unable to fit our children into that life. He saw them 2-3 times a year and even then only because his parents took the girls for the holidays, so it wasn't his choice, he was forced to see them.  The tears shed when they'd come home would last for days because even with their presence there, he just couldn't find time to "be there" with them.  He has seldom come to their sports, shows, awards or graduations; never taken an interest in their lives; doesn't call or message them. The only vacation they've ever been with him on was at the insistence of a girlfriend who confided she'd been told not to waste her time, they were too difficult.  (She highly disagreed and is still friends with the girls even though it's been years since they broke up)  They have always felt second fiddle.  And to add insult to injury, his family has made excuses and even chastised my girls for not understanding why it is okay.  

This is the way things tend to go for me.  I have spent their lives trying to make sure that I was the best parent I could be for them.  I tried to be at every turn, available in every time of need, and prayerful in every circumstance.  But again, the superwoman my imagination dreamt up for me to be, has left me flailing and failing.

I have never been good at risk, but the experiences in my life have made me even less willing.  My mother has filled me with the "what if" bug of reality check, and life has shown me challenges and the hills just seem so wide and the mountains of life so high.  I believe beyond anything God is capable, but I'm not God and the people in life are often more interested in how to make themselves look good even if that means tripping me up.

The biggest risk I have ever taken was 10 years ago.  After 10 years alone, I had a friend that I thought was maybe more.  Like Mary, I ended up pregnant - unlike Mary, my poor choices and extravagant imagination led to it.  This man didn't love me like that.  He didn't see a happy family as an option.  He really wanted me to choose him and let the baby go.  I tried to be okay with that.  I even went as far as to consider parents to raise this child, but I was a total mess and in a state of complete unrest.  I couldn't sleep, and just felt filled with sorrow and darkness all the time.  I wanted to be excited, but felt such a heaviness lingering.  I tried to convince myself that this was the punishment for my choice.  One night, during bible study with some women from church, I confessed how I was feeling, what I was thinking about doing and asked them to pray with and for me - that God would make this okay in my heart.  One woman said, "Did you ever think that maybe you feel this way because this is not the choice God wants you to make?"  So we prayed, and I told God that I felt I wasn't supposed to give this baby up, but I needed Him to confirm that in me.  More than one woman there, including me, felt the Holy Spirit there confirming this choice to keep the baby.  What a risk!  I learned very quickly that this meant being on my own.  I saw that it meant the condemnation of those I had entrusted for support.  I experienced the loss of friendships I thought were based on His foundation.  And that just emotional.  Add the financial risk (I was barely making ends meet as the single mom or 2, now 3?), the location risk (we would have to move with no money to do so), the physical risk (carrying a baby under intense stress while raising 2 preteens), and the list could go on.  But from the time I made that choice, that night when we prayed, I had complete peace.  I didn't know how it would work out, just that it was what I was supposed to do. I had never before nor ever since felt the peace I did about this decision.  And it has not been easy.  I was put on bed rest in May.  I had to prepare my younger daughter for an ambassador trip to California for 4 weeks in June.  We had to move by June 30.  I went into labor July 4 (baby due in September).  I had a emergency c-section 10 days later.  He was born with lung and heart issues.  He was airlifted to a hospital without me a few hours after birth.  He spent a month in a NICU an hour away.  He went back to the hospital within weeks of coming home for a skull issue.    By 9 months my pediatricians realized a problem and by 16 months I agreed.  He has many medical problems and is diagnosed on the autism spectrum, but is the truest joy to anyone who knows him.  So worth every bit risk.

So, if I can see the glory, why is the risk still so scary?  I'm human.  My life is filled with outside noise that often contradicts what I hear in my heart.  God and I have been talking about this a lot lately.  He's working on me and thankfully He doesn't give up...and neither will I!

I need your hope!

"What’s one area of your life where you could use some hope right now? Ask God to help you have hope in all areas of your life."

Lord, there are so many areas of my life that need your hope right now.  As we prepare to open our gifts this Christmas, I pray that the one gift I receive this year is a renewed hope.  I feel you tugging on my servant's heart again, like you did so many years ago.  I feel a sense of hope beginning.  Lord, please fill me up!  Empty me of the depression, cynicism. And emotional roller coaster ride the I've been feeling and fill me with You.  Fill me with Your love, Your peace, Your word, and most of all Your hope.  Let it be to my children as I have asked for, too.  Lord, grow in us so we may grow I. you.  I'm not going to lie, Abba, even saying that out loud puts fear in my heart.  So often the way to grow, the way to prune out the bad in our lives to let in the good, is through tragedy and hardship.  Please, Lord, let that not be what is necessary.  Rather let change spark a fire that reignites us.  I know I ask for too much, but You know my thought.  I'd rather confess them to You, than to just think them, like I'm hiding something.  Your plan is best; I know that, and I trust in You for You know the plans You have for me and my family and they are plans to prosper us and to give us hope and a future.  Amen.

What to hope for???

Question: "Is there a longing God placed on your heart that seems impossible to fulfill? How can you take a step today to put action to your faith?"

Lord, I feel so confused anymore that I don't even know what to hope for.  I don't feel like I know what direction my life is going in.  You know, Lord, I think I have become so afraid and so weighed down by the challenges in life, that I am afraid to hope.  What I know is better than the change I don't.  

So maybe that's where I need to pray for first.  Lord, you did not creat me with a spirit of fear, but of love and self-discipline.  Somewhere along the way, I've lost that confidence.  You can do the impossible, I know that beyond a shadow of doubt.  And maybe, just maybe, you want to do the impossible in me.  I may not be able to understand why you would; that may be unbelievable enough in itself.  BUT your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.  You know what I can accomplish with you on my side.  I can't even imagine anymore.  So my hope is that you will,strengthen me and give me courage.  Help me to see me the good you can and do and will continue to do in my life.

Second, I pray with a heart full of hope for my wayward child.  Oh Abba!  My heart hurts when I think about her life.  So has so much ability, so much potential, so much love to give.  Yet she settles for less than your best in her life and she gives that of herself which is to be sacred.  She doesn't see the beauty within, Abba.  She doesn't see herself as a masterpiece of your creation.  She is lost from the path and I think coming back means facing those missteps so it is easier to make excuses not to.  Help her to wake up, Lord. Help her to take responsibility for veering off your path and help her to return to you and the life you have planned for her.  Prepare for her the one that will love her, guide her, pray for and with her; one that will grow together with her in you.  Bring her someone who helps her to see all that she can do and makes her want to strive to be more today than yesterday; someone to bring out the best in her and complement the talents you have given her.  I trust you with her, Lord.  That has been the only way I've been able to survive all this over the last several years.  You know that plan you have for her and it is a plan to prosper her and to give her hope and a future.  

Next, I pray for my determined child.  You know my worries here.  She has built walls of plans and stayed determinedly within in.  She pushes out the world that has hurt her so much in her young life, and plans extensively to conquer it.  But Lord, your plans are not our plans and your ways not our ways.  I fear that the wall she has placed is also coming between you and that without you, her world will crumble like the ancient cities.  Bring her close to you again, Lord.  Her belief was so string when she was little, before she faced the demons that exist.  I have tried to help her overcome, but she has created her own way to cope and that has been by fortifying her heart.  She doesn't even realize how she hurts others, because emotion is not something she sees or understands anymore.  I fear that this wall will also keep her from being able to find the love you have placed within a mate for her. I know what a lonely world it is to live with a guarded heart and I don't want that for her.  Prepare someone to melt the ice away and warm her heart so it can fully feel again, trust again, and love again.  I wish I knew how to help her.  

Finally, I pray for my baby boy.  Oh Abba, how I love him.  I accept that he is different and I treasure that most if the times.  I don't worry about those health issues, because you have given him a reason in his heart that let's me know you are with us every step of the way.  There are hard days, Lord, and because you have blessed us with such help and growth, I sometimes even forget, which makes the hard days even harder.  I worry, Lord, as he grows that he will too, walk from your path and that some how with each if these children, it will be/have been my fault.  That my fears and my inability to overcome the obstacle and demons in my life, will push them away from you and your plan and path for them.  Help me find a place where he will be surrounded by people that will help him grow in you.  Help strengthen his faith.  Raise him up to be like David - one who has a heart like yours.  Give him strength to face anything that comes his way, courage to stand to the challenges, love beyond measure and obedience.  (That's where I have failed them, Lord, in modeling obedience.  Please forgive me.)  Prepare for him a mate that will walk through life loving and supporting him through the tough times and celebrating with him the blessings.  Help him see love.  Help us find what causes the headaches and pains and remove it.  Clear it from him so he may grow to carry your word and love to so many.  As he continues his love if science, may his faith increase as well.  Use me, I pray, in whatever way you can.  

Provide for us so we may live the life you have for us.  I do believe, Abba, so help me in my unbelief.  Strengthen me in you, as that is the only way I can do this.  I can not do it alone.  I need you and my hope is in you that you will return me to that love and strength and courage and that woman of God, you created me to be.  The one I was becoming before I fell.  Give me the strength to get up and walk straight again.  Amen.

Do you believe?

Today I was asked this question: "Do you have a hard time believing God will do what He says He will do? Why or why not?"

My response: Lord, I truly do believe that you can accomplish anything.  I believe with all of my heart that miracles still happen.  However, I struggle with believing that they can happen for me.  I don't trust myself to not walk off the path that you have for me, to get distracted.  And I have seen that things seldom go the way that I think they will or plan for.  Even in that; even in my disbelief that things will work out for me though, is the belief that You will use it for good.  I have seen it time and time again.  You use the bad things, the wrong turns, the obstacles, the challenges, the failures.  You use them for me to be able to minister to others.  I would be lying, Lord, if I never wondered why I couldn't be used while having the financial security to provide properly (or with abundance) for my family; or while having a great job where I am respected that makes good money, doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and doesn't require 90% of my day to be focused on it; or while living comfortably in a nice house, with plenty of room in a good neighborhood where my children had friends to play with and I had neighbors to lean on; or while having a mate that honors me and loves me and our family.  I get tired of living a life that people shake their heads at because "things always happen to you" or "goodness, do things ever go smoothly (or calm down)?"  But those moments pass and I see how much worse things could be and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that Your plan is best even when I don't understand the why.  I trust in your commands from 1 Corinthians 13, "Now I know in part...for now we see only a reflection as in a mirror....now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (Verses 9,12)  So, Lord, my prayer is that you will meet me in the space between my knowledge, faith and my unbelief,  I do believe, Lord!  Help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24). 

How should we respond?!?

And Mary said: “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, just as he promised our ancestors.” (Luke 1:46-55 NIV)

Mary's song.  The above scripture is the response of Mary to Elizabeth's greeting.  The greeting in which Elizabeth tells her that the baby in her own womb has leapt for joy because Mary is carrying the savior.  The greeting in which the Holy Spirit has opened Elizabeth's eyes, heart and mind to something amazing - the declaration of who the baby is in Mary's womb.

The entire Christmas story to this point is the type of story that gives a person wide eyes and makes heads shake.  It all seems so unreal; so impossible to our little earthly minds.  First we have Elizabeth who is well beyond childbearing years, yet she is pregnant.  Her husband is mute until the birth because he doubted.  Yet both know that their baby is one who will pave the way for the King of Kings.  Then we have Mary.  Sweet, young, pure, innocent Mary.  So excited to be betrothed to Joseph.  Then comes an angel and tells her that she is highly favored among women.  She has been chosen to carry God's son to term and bring his life into this world.  She has to face telling her fiancé, with whom she has not consummated their relationship that she is pregnant.  She has to face her family and friends and explain that God chose her to do this HUGE thing.  Just even thinking about that conversation has me shaking my head!  I would be honored to be chosen, but knowing no one is going to believe me, would have made me dread people finding out.  

Then she makes this long journey to see her cousin Elizabeth.  I envision in my head that this pilgrimage is kind of a two fold trip.  1- to put off the jeers and judgings of those she is daily around, as well as give herself time to prepare to tell Joseph the greatest and most potentially shocking news, which could end their relationship.  2- to see her cousin's miracle...a pregnancy so late in life.  To share stories with someone who will understand completely that with God the impossible is possible.  To gain strength, encouragement and courage from Elizabeth who is 6 months into her miracle.

Yet in all this, how do these women respond?  They praise God!  They look past the possible struggles and see the blessings and the miracles.  They look past the confusion and the unknown to the place where God is in control and has chosen them to be His servants in this plan.  

My devotional this morning talks about this season, but their question is really for everyday: 

How are you responding to circumstances or events that you don’t understand or perhaps might not choose? 

At this time of year, we emphasize the miracle of Jesus' birth and the story that goes with it.  I always get a little frustrated with the emphasis that somehow every one should be nicer at Christmas time.  This story should live in our hearts and the truth of all this should effect us everyday, not just during Christmas.  But that's another blog post for another day.

The real question here is are we able, like Mary and Elizabeth, to praise God in the midst of our confusion?  Can we respond to the events we don't get with exaltation to Him?  Can we be gracious and merciful and thank Him in times we don't choose?  OR do we let times like these ruin it all?

I'm ashamed to say that this week I fell into the latter category.  My week was already being jaded by a truly silly disappointment on my behalf.  And even when I've talked about it, I've said, it's really silly.  It was a vanity issue.  I felt I was being robbed of being "special" based on a conversation that never happened for a parade which isn't even about me.  Yet I couldn't seem to let it go.  (Which of course spirals my mood to begin with; when I can't rise above the way I feel God would want me to.)  Then I got a note from a student's parent in which I was attacked for robbing children of their innocence and having expectations that are too high for 6-7 year olds.  I was devastated!  I fight for our students constantly.  I am very vocal about how developmentally inappropriate today's standards are and I work very hard to differentiate curriculum and even homework to the level my students are working at so they make maximum growth.  I am criticized by my family constantly for working too hard and way beyond what is provided for.  I also work hard to include moments and memories into the day and experiences that allow children to be children.  So these accusations devastated my heart.  After investigating a little, I found that the root of this parent's frustration came from a newsletter and homework assignment that got mixed in with his things at daycare during homework time.  In responding to the parent, I tried to remind myself that the child was probably picked up after a long, hard day and upon seeing this 5th grade paper, an exhausted, frustrated tirade dispersed.  But as I've said a million times, at this point in my life, the bad things are easier to believe than the good.  Those judgements and discouragements come more often.  I often wonder how God can (or why He would) use someone as broken, messy and used as me.  

If that wasn't enough, the next day I received an email that another parent, after having a conversation with me about how far behind their student was falling, called my boss' boss to complain.  Again, I felt unjustly attacked.  1- I don't create or choose the standards.  I just do my best to teach them.  2- I have been talking to this parent for almost 18 weeks about my concerns.  Every bit of advice has been turned down.  Every help I've offered stated to not work before even being tried.  Homework and projects seldom turned in and a medical diagnosis that goes unattended.  But I'm the one in trouble? And my punishment?  To miss setting up luminaries with my church at a local park so I can meet with this parent long after my contract day has ended because it's convenient to them.  Don't forget to add the anger and resentment of the others on campus who have been dragged into the situation to sit in this meeting.

I of course responded like a faithful servant and exalted God, right?  I wish!  I got texts yesterday from peers stating, they could see on my face all day my sadness and they hoped whatever it was would be worked through quickly.  Knock, knock!  It's Me, God calling.  If that wasn't enough to wake me up, then came the text from the parent of the first situation.  She appreciated my heartfelt note, which she read with an open heart and realized she owed me an apology.  Then told me how much her son likes my class and how up until seeing that 5th grade paper she felt I was very appropriate and has been so impressed with her son's progress this year.  Knock, knock!  Are you hearing My encouragement?  Before going to bed last night, I was sharing with my mom details of my "scolding."  In telling her, I started to listen to the things that were said; that I heard/read and was repeating.  My boss' boss was not requiring punitive actions.  In fact he was not even getting involved other than to return the parent back to me because he trusts me and knows my heart and actions.  He and my boss are not requiring my peers as a judgement but to help the parent see that this problem is happening in every area of the child's day.  It is something more than a teacher can handle.  That without support from home and attention to the medical issue, change can not be made, nor growth occur.  It is also happening right away, rather than dragging on for weeks.  And although I'll miss out on one thing, I'll go into my weekend without unresolved issues, while showing the parent that we do care and are trying to work with them.  Knock, knock!  Do you see what I'm doing here?

Like Mary and Elizabeth, we need to open our eyes and our hearts to truly see the plan God has for us.  He never said there wouldn't be sacrifice or hard times, but He did promise we would never be alone. Sometimes we need to look past the confusion and our lack of choice to see the blessings and miracles.  God has a plan to prosper, give hope and a future and He IS in control...especially when we get out of the way and work with Him instead of for Him.  So with lifted arms, kneeling knees and a joyful heart I say,  “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant."

Expecting

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8 NIV)

I was reading my "Countdown to Christmas" advent devotional this morning and found myself suddenly at war within myself.  Today's portion was about Elizabeth and Zacharias.  Having waited and prayed for years, they were getting what their hearts truly desired, a baby.  But it seemed so impossible that when told, Zacharias could hardly believe it was truth.  Yet as impossible as it seemed, he and Elizabeth had never stopped praying for it and about it.  The admonition in this devotional is to follow their example and continuously pray with expectation and hope.

Here is where the war within me began, and this is how I expressed my dilemma in my time with God this morning:

My children know they can ask me anything.  Whether for help, for information, for some thing that they need/want....they know they can ask.  They also know that I may not provide what they request.  Sometimes because I can't and sometimes because I don't think it's what best, or at least not at that time.  But sometimes I get frustrated that they even would ask.

I often use the mental connection (or maybe comparison) of my parenting to help me understand things within God's parenting.  So in this instance, I don't want to ask for too much because I know that frustration I feel and that desire sometimes for the question to not be asked, especially when it is undeserving or when it is too much or the timing is wrong or I don't have the answers.

For example, I want to be in full health, especially in my abdomen, BUT God has helped me withstand the rough days and make it through; I am pretty healthy and have been for 42 years; it is partially a vanity issues; and I caused part of the problem so I feel undeserving of the healing.  

Or, I want my children to grow up to be loving, faithful, and independent servants of God, BUT I want them to always live near home and to need me and want me in their lives.  

Or my favorite, I want a significant other to spend my life with, BUT I feel unworthy, unwanted, unattractive, and undeserving because of my past; my desires are so ridiculous in this area I can't even put them in print; and I want my time alone too.  

How can I pray with expectation when I am so undeserving?  How can I expect so much when I have been unfaithful with so little?  How can I ask for more when He has blessed me so abundantly?  Shouldn't I just be content with what I have???

As I was reading this morning, I came to this portion, "After all of the years of waiting and praying and believing, heaven’s intervention was about to be experienced in the life and marriage of Elizabeth and Zacharias. Could it be true? Was it even possible after decades of marriage to conceive and bear a son? Would Elizabeth’s elderly frame be able to withstand 9 months of pregnancy and then the pain of giving birth? God, are You really this good?!" (Youversion devotional plan JOY! To Your World! A Countdown to Christmas Day 2). I had to giggle because this is so me!  For example, I want abdominal healing and the doctor has ordered a colonoscopy to help him determine if the diagnosis is correct.  But he only does them on Tuesdays, which means taking a day off work (especially a Tuesday - the one day we're told NOT to make appointments for).  What if I'm too sick to go to work the next day?  What if my system can't handle the prep?  What if it lasts weeks like last time?  What if they find something?  What if they don't?  I prayed expectantly for years for help.  And help He has. In all things, I know God has a plan in all of this.  Yet when I get to the point of finding answers, my fear conquers my faith.  I spend so much time praying Mark 9:24. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  I love the line in this morning's devotional text, "God, are You really this good?!"  

And as I'm writing this entry, I find myself giggling about it too.  I reread what I wrote.  The questions from my kids bring on a worldly guilt that I can't provide.  When I can't provide, maybe that too is part of a lesson.  My kids have learned to be successful with a little, so maybe that was lesson we were to learn.  But there is nothing out of God's control.   His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I can pray with expectation of an answer, but I need to pray without expectations on the answer.  I have hope.  He is my hope.  Now I have to practice letting go and letting God handle it all.   I love that my kids can come to me for/about anything.   As much as I say I get frustrated at time, it hurts my feelings when they go to someone else or hold it inside.  God wants us to come to Him with ALL of our questions, requests, concerns.  When we don't, it puts a brick between us.  Each brick is a piece of a wall that can separate us.  No, He may not always say yes, nor give us what we want or even answer every time, but that doesn't mean He doesn't care.  I can and will pray with expectation.  And I will work on, with his help, dropping my expectations on the answer and just trusting Him to know what's best.  God is in control and He knows the plan He has for me, to prosper me and to give me hope and a future...always.