For the past few years, some situations have occurred within my family that have left me upset. I've prayed every day for wisdom and discernment and even more for the ability to be Christlike in this time. I've prayed for all involved; for a change of heart for me towards them, and for a yearning for for Him in their lives. But in the past few months, I feel like I've lost my mind. I wake up every morning ready to do God's will and eager to see His glory. But the world gets in my way and I end each day feeling distressed, angry, frustrated, sad, bitter, jealous, selfish, irrational, depressed.
And it has become a vicious cycle. As I confess to God what I'm feeling, I feel like a failure that instead of seeing His glory and blessings amidst this trial, I am getting caught up in my emotions. Then I get angry and frustrated with myself. This allows a crack in the door to evil one's lies that I am not enough and I have failed my family over and over again. That all of this is my fault; that I should have prevented it. And even though I know no one could have prevented many of the things I've experienced in life; that I had to go through it to become who I am; I still feel like I should be able to do something. After all, I'm a Christian mom and that somehow makes me super human. And then I see my children's inability to grasp God in all of this; see how easily they are caught up in all the world's chaos; and now I've not only failed as mother, protector, and provider, but as teacher too. If I taught them well, their faith would guide them. And so, caught up in my own mess, I've been a lousy friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, mother, grandmother, teacher, human. Then the anger sets in that where are all these people in my life? Why don't they see my struggle? Why is the reaching out my responsibility? Why am I the one who always has to keep things together? Why don't things ever go right for my family; are they facing the consequences of my getting it wrong? Why does this person get it all right and I, no matter how hard I try fall? And the cracked door flies open to all the lies the evil one offers and I end up showing myself judgement instead of grace. It has led to a pit of great depression that is poorly hidden behind a smile, study and hard work. I say poorly, because I know my cover has slipped a few times, but these were isolated events. No one truly knows how deep I've gone; the moments I've wondered if it all is worth it. The only thing holding me together is my faith that God has a plan and can make good out of all of this mess. The only thing to hold on to is His faithfulness from the past. I have been trying to climb out of this pit for months. However, every time I pull myself far enough out to see, I lose my grip and fall back in, sometimes even deeper.
Last Sunday night, was one of those nights, where my masked slipped. I was beginning to become unraveled and in an attempt to pull myself together I shot off a desperate request for prayer to my dearest prayer partner. And for the first time I confessed even a sliver of the depth of what I've been feeling. I also told her, "...Keep struggling to try to pull myself out but can't seem to get there." She showed me love and encouragement. Her advice ended with, "...you are human. Give yourself some grace. I pray that God gives you a restful night sleep tonight. Remember His mercies are new each day!" So I put myself back together with a little musical duct tape, and went on about my evening hoping my smile and rough day would be enough to keep myself from being a burden to anyone.
Have you ever been at this point before? That point where your faith and your feelings are in constant battle? Where you are trying so hard to just keep it all together and keep moving forward? I believe in God. I know His miracles are real. I've felt His presence in my life. I've seen His provision. I've experienced His grace. And even in this trial, I know we are blessed. But that doesn't stop the temptations of this world from attacking. It doesn't mean we're free from heartache or pain. In my moments of prayer and bible study, I can feel His hope fresh and new....but then I step outside and the world is still there and the evil one is still attacking. At times, even the strongest of believers can wonder, "where are you, Lord? Can you hear me?" After all, look at the disciples. They were walking with Him, knew who He was, and still had moments of doubt. Mark 9:24 is my heart's cry, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" So can He hear me? Does He care?
Monday morning, I woke up from another restless night of self flagellation. Once again I sensed failures and I let my emotions getting the best of me. After my morning wake up prayers, I listened to my assigned psalm for the day (gives my eyes a chance to focus), and I opened my online bible study. The opening line read, "Don't struggle to get out; instead lean into it." What?!?!? I literally just said I was struggling to get out the night before. What are the chances that those would be the first words I read? Okay, God, you've got my attention.
Katy McCown then proceeded to detail how experts state you should get out of quicksand. Again, I was mystified because in prayer, I had more than once told God that I felt like I was drowning in quicksand; the more I tried to get out the more I was drawn in. As I read Katy's words, I kept thinking about this scene from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:
This feels like my life lately. My emotions, like the vines, are tightening around me. I have moments I feel like I can't breathe. The anxiousness within me has my heart racing. The struggle to get loose causes it all to tighten. Then the fear that I will never break free from it sets in which just makes it all worse. The bible, Christians, even non-believers say to relax. The only way to get out of the stressful situation is to find a place of peace. But what happens when you are beyond that? What happens when you can't get there on your own?
Look for the Sonlight. The negative emotions that entangle us, come from one who cannot stand again the Sonlight. The evil one shrivels from the light for he knows he can't stand against it. The end has been written. Light overcomes the darkness. Good overcomes evil. Eternity replaces this temporary earthly chaos. I don't have to keep struggling. I just have to trust in the Son; the one who gave it all to die for me so that I could have a joyful forever instead of death. And I was doing that, however poorly. I was waking up every morning expectant and hopeful. I was trusting each day that He would be with me. I was dependent on Him and His blessing. The struggling came when I forgot that the faithfulness I see in the past didn't come immediately. It came when instead of trusting Him, I tried. He didn't always miraculous calm the seas of my life so I didn't experience things. I've experienced a lot and it's made me who I am and it's made me able to help others. I see the faithfulness when I look back and see the whole picture. See what He was doing even when my eyes were not looking, even in unbelief. When my focus is on the struggle, He is still working all things for good, but I don't see it because I become focused on my effort to get free. I don't have to struggle to get out. I need to lean in and trust Him while we walk through. He is holding me. He is caring for my family. He will bring good out of even this. And it may be many years before we can see it, but we will.
I don't know if Big brother is listening. I suspect he is, but who cares? Because I know my God is listening. He shows me. He gets my attention. He draws me into a rabbit hole of self discovery sometimes using the most unusual devices. After all, I'm an usual character of His creation. His masterpiece. And He loves me more than I can even fathom. And you too. So stop struggling and just lean into Him. He will bring us where we need to be. I know it may not be an overnight removal, but I have faith and hope and I'm praying for us all.
