Is it perseverance or stumbling in the dark?

Are you up against difficulties financially, relationally, or spiritually? What’s one area of your life where you need help to persevere? Think about what you’re facing and how you feel about the challenges ahead.

Perseverance is a funny word.  When I think of a person who shows perseverance, I think of someone who presses forward with determination toward a goal.  Someone brave and heroic.  Someone movies are or should be made about.  One dictionary defines it as:

 

"steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success." (Google definitions)

Another dictionary states:

"steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement." (Dictionary.com)

Finally a third reveals:

"continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition" (Merriam Webster)

Although they all say the same thing there is something about the linguistics that make them appear so lofty and courageous to me.  What I do does not appear lofty or courageous.  It's more sloppy, happenstance and somewhat represents stumbling in the dark...wearing clown shoes...and carrying an elephant.  I get up each morning, spend time with God, and then begin my day.  It's a routine.  One the internal clock in my body won't let me forget.  (She says yawning at 5am during Christmas break.)  Most days the only plan I have is to make it through the day doing the things. God has provided in my life and as someone God would want to call His own.  Many days, at the end, even that feels like a stretch.  Thankfully, His grace is enough to cover me for another day and I go to bed preparing to try again the next day.  I find a lot of comfort in Paul's letter to the Philippians where he tells them "for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13 NIV) and "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6 NIV). That whole idea that He's not done with me yet and won't give up on me, makes me able to get up each day.

Like everyone, I am up against difficulties in all area of my life.  That's just life.  As I've said before, I don't feel like I succeed in much, at least not much more than trying again each day.  But I think the area I would say I am up against the most difficulties is financially.   So much of this area is out of my control.  I am an elementary school teacher by trade, first grade to be exact.  We haven't had a raise in the 9 years since I transferred to the district I teach in.  In fact, with the new policies they've passed the only way I'll ever get a raise again would be to give up my tenure.  In my 20th year, I make just a splash more than the first year teachers.  Then add in the budget cuts and the increased curriculum needs, all of which are now the teacher's responsibility.  Jobs are hard to find, especially those with benefit options, so I daily remind myself to be grateful that I have one.  However, as a single mom, insuring my kids takes 1/3 of my paycheck, especially because 2 of my children are over 18 now.  And then there's my little guy.  My son was born early and with many issues.  Between the doctors he sees, the therapies and treatments he need, his medication regiment, his vitamin/natural supplement regiment (which is not covered by insurance), the specialized diet...it's rather expensive.  The older ones still have college costs, living expenses, and need help while they are figuring out how to become adults.  The younger has his own supplemental needs like money for field trips, scouts, school supplies, etc.  

We made many friends along the way.  Due to his voracious appetite for learning and his ability to read faster than lightening, we have many friends from our weekly (sometimes daily) trips to the library.  We have our friends at the farmers' market and the grocery store who help me find the best deals for my dollar.  We have our friends at the pharmacy who keep an eye out for the price of meds and similar products.  I have my phone friend in the referral department of my insurance company, who always works so hard to get me what I need in a timely manner at the least cost to me.  We have friends in scouts that share camping cooking costs.  We are blessed by the wonderful women in our church's thrift shop who are always on the lookout for anything they think might fit.  And then there is my mom and brother.  The eternal bachelor, my brother has been my children's star cheerleader, supporter and father figure.  And my mother...well, there just aren't words enough.    

My kids have always come first.  There is time for nights out, movies, new clothes and Starbucks when they're grown and on their own.  But they are only young once and I have done everything in my power to make sure they had the best childhood I could offer.  That doesn't mean name brands or cool toys. No, they have never had all that.  In fact my girls are still railing that my son (who does a lot of virtual school work) got a laptop last year.  It doesn't matter that it's from the dark ages and weighs almost as much as him, but rather that they both had to wait until high school graduation to get one.  But ask them if they ever missed out on church camp or retreats, field trips, concerts, experiences,  extracurricular activities to fit their talent...never.  I have worked for/with the directors to lessen the costs, organized fundraisers, applied for scholarships, worked supplemental jobs.  Whatever it takes.  Having my son definitely put a crimp in their style and the girls had to hear no a little more, but still, I did whatever I could to ensure they would make those memories.

6 years ago, my son's medical expenses were on the rise and his needs for therapies were great.  Insurance didn't cover many of his medications nor did they have pediatric professionals to provide for his needs.  So I had choices to make: continue with therapists who were completely out of their comfort zone working with a child like him or pay for the proper care he needed.  Allow them to dictate which meds he needed based on cost or provide the regiments my doctors (who were using combinations of medication and natural supplements to limit chemicals in the body) suggested.  I tried it their way for a year, but in that year, my son made no growth and even showed signs of worsening, especially behaviorally.  So I did what I had to do.  I put my child first.  I tried to work with the other bill collectors in my life, but no one wanted to work with me, so I lost my house and my credit rating is atrocious.  I made the responsible choice to get rid of all my credit cards years ago, so at least I don't have that debt.  But it leaves very little wiggle room.  My mom has opened her heart and her home and we now live with her, which benefits us both as she's getting older, but presents another set of challenges.

Still, it's hard to look at the future and see a way out of all this.  And I get so tired of people who say, people choose their circumstances and they can choose to get out of it.  It's not always that easy.  There are choices everyday I have to face, but the choice for some of them have consequences that affect so much more than my pocket. I can choose cheaper foods, but then I have to increase doctors' bills.  I can get a different job, but then I lose my benefits, retirement, tenure, and more, not to mention that it could mean needing further training or schooling which would add a cost.  I've tried the gardening thing, several times.  But between my schedule (lack of time at home) and the fact that I was not blessed with a green thumb, that has not worked out for me.  I know, I know, "anyone can learn how."  Yea, tell that to my dad who after 28 years if trying said I am the only person he'd ever metwho could kill a plastic plant.  

Finances: this is an area where I see little hope.  I will continue to try because that's what we do.  And I pray for and thank God for His provision.  And I'm sure I'll take a few more financial workshops (I've taken at least 6 already).  But most of all, when the times of failure and frustration hit, I will continue to remind myself of those words from Philippians and add in some Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."  And as God continues to work in me, I'll continue to stumble with my clown shoes and carrying my elephant...I just keep moving toward the Light.  

Risky Business

"When was the last time you took a big risk? What did that decision reveal about what you view as most important?"

I HATE risk, Lord.  I have always had an amazing imagination, but it has sometimes run away with me.  When an idea comes to me, my imagination runs wild with every possible outcome there could be: extravagant success, quick miraculous perfection of plan, fairytale ending, utter disaster, fleeting failure, destruction of all I hold dear.  As I have said before, my fear tends to conquer my faith and the latter outcomes seem to fit more with my life, so it makes them easier to believe.  

Example: all my life I've dreamt of being an early sitcoms style wife.  You know the type: perfect household, dinner on the table when hubby comes home, fresh baked cookies for the kids everyday after school, obedient and heart filled children, a husband who smiled when he walked in the door because he was so happy to see me, volunteer work to fill my days, no fighting or arguing, but love all the time in my home.  Add to that the memory that my daddy brought my mom fresh cut flowers almost every day "because a beautiful lady deserved beautiful flowers," and you'll get a hint of what my amazing imagination conjured up as my future.  Instead I was a broken single mom of 2 by 23 and one of them had health issues growing up.  My daughters' father immediately created another family and found himself unable to fit our children into that life. He saw them 2-3 times a year and even then only because his parents took the girls for the holidays, so it wasn't his choice, he was forced to see them.  The tears shed when they'd come home would last for days because even with their presence there, he just couldn't find time to "be there" with them.  He has seldom come to their sports, shows, awards or graduations; never taken an interest in their lives; doesn't call or message them. The only vacation they've ever been with him on was at the insistence of a girlfriend who confided she'd been told not to waste her time, they were too difficult.  (She highly disagreed and is still friends with the girls even though it's been years since they broke up)  They have always felt second fiddle.  And to add insult to injury, his family has made excuses and even chastised my girls for not understanding why it is okay.  

This is the way things tend to go for me.  I have spent their lives trying to make sure that I was the best parent I could be for them.  I tried to be at every turn, available in every time of need, and prayerful in every circumstance.  But again, the superwoman my imagination dreamt up for me to be, has left me flailing and failing.

I have never been good at risk, but the experiences in my life have made me even less willing.  My mother has filled me with the "what if" bug of reality check, and life has shown me challenges and the hills just seem so wide and the mountains of life so high.  I believe beyond anything God is capable, but I'm not God and the people in life are often more interested in how to make themselves look good even if that means tripping me up.

The biggest risk I have ever taken was 10 years ago.  After 10 years alone, I had a friend that I thought was maybe more.  Like Mary, I ended up pregnant - unlike Mary, my poor choices and extravagant imagination led to it.  This man didn't love me like that.  He didn't see a happy family as an option.  He really wanted me to choose him and let the baby go.  I tried to be okay with that.  I even went as far as to consider parents to raise this child, but I was a total mess and in a state of complete unrest.  I couldn't sleep, and just felt filled with sorrow and darkness all the time.  I wanted to be excited, but felt such a heaviness lingering.  I tried to convince myself that this was the punishment for my choice.  One night, during bible study with some women from church, I confessed how I was feeling, what I was thinking about doing and asked them to pray with and for me - that God would make this okay in my heart.  One woman said, "Did you ever think that maybe you feel this way because this is not the choice God wants you to make?"  So we prayed, and I told God that I felt I wasn't supposed to give this baby up, but I needed Him to confirm that in me.  More than one woman there, including me, felt the Holy Spirit there confirming this choice to keep the baby.  What a risk!  I learned very quickly that this meant being on my own.  I saw that it meant the condemnation of those I had entrusted for support.  I experienced the loss of friendships I thought were based on His foundation.  And that just emotional.  Add the financial risk (I was barely making ends meet as the single mom or 2, now 3?), the location risk (we would have to move with no money to do so), the physical risk (carrying a baby under intense stress while raising 2 preteens), and the list could go on.  But from the time I made that choice, that night when we prayed, I had complete peace.  I didn't know how it would work out, just that it was what I was supposed to do. I had never before nor ever since felt the peace I did about this decision.  And it has not been easy.  I was put on bed rest in May.  I had to prepare my younger daughter for an ambassador trip to California for 4 weeks in June.  We had to move by June 30.  I went into labor July 4 (baby due in September).  I had a emergency c-section 10 days later.  He was born with lung and heart issues.  He was airlifted to a hospital without me a few hours after birth.  He spent a month in a NICU an hour away.  He went back to the hospital within weeks of coming home for a skull issue.    By 9 months my pediatricians realized a problem and by 16 months I agreed.  He has many medical problems and is diagnosed on the autism spectrum, but is the truest joy to anyone who knows him.  So worth every bit risk.

So, if I can see the glory, why is the risk still so scary?  I'm human.  My life is filled with outside noise that often contradicts what I hear in my heart.  God and I have been talking about this a lot lately.  He's working on me and thankfully He doesn't give up...and neither will I!

I need your hope!

"What’s one area of your life where you could use some hope right now? Ask God to help you have hope in all areas of your life."

Lord, there are so many areas of my life that need your hope right now.  As we prepare to open our gifts this Christmas, I pray that the one gift I receive this year is a renewed hope.  I feel you tugging on my servant's heart again, like you did so many years ago.  I feel a sense of hope beginning.  Lord, please fill me up!  Empty me of the depression, cynicism. And emotional roller coaster ride the I've been feeling and fill me with You.  Fill me with Your love, Your peace, Your word, and most of all Your hope.  Let it be to my children as I have asked for, too.  Lord, grow in us so we may grow I. you.  I'm not going to lie, Abba, even saying that out loud puts fear in my heart.  So often the way to grow, the way to prune out the bad in our lives to let in the good, is through tragedy and hardship.  Please, Lord, let that not be what is necessary.  Rather let change spark a fire that reignites us.  I know I ask for too much, but You know my thought.  I'd rather confess them to You, than to just think them, like I'm hiding something.  Your plan is best; I know that, and I trust in You for You know the plans You have for me and my family and they are plans to prosper us and to give us hope and a future.  Amen.

What to hope for???

Question: "Is there a longing God placed on your heart that seems impossible to fulfill? How can you take a step today to put action to your faith?"

Lord, I feel so confused anymore that I don't even know what to hope for.  I don't feel like I know what direction my life is going in.  You know, Lord, I think I have become so afraid and so weighed down by the challenges in life, that I am afraid to hope.  What I know is better than the change I don't.  

So maybe that's where I need to pray for first.  Lord, you did not creat me with a spirit of fear, but of love and self-discipline.  Somewhere along the way, I've lost that confidence.  You can do the impossible, I know that beyond a shadow of doubt.  And maybe, just maybe, you want to do the impossible in me.  I may not be able to understand why you would; that may be unbelievable enough in itself.  BUT your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts.  You know what I can accomplish with you on my side.  I can't even imagine anymore.  So my hope is that you will,strengthen me and give me courage.  Help me to see me the good you can and do and will continue to do in my life.

Second, I pray with a heart full of hope for my wayward child.  Oh Abba!  My heart hurts when I think about her life.  So has so much ability, so much potential, so much love to give.  Yet she settles for less than your best in her life and she gives that of herself which is to be sacred.  She doesn't see the beauty within, Abba.  She doesn't see herself as a masterpiece of your creation.  She is lost from the path and I think coming back means facing those missteps so it is easier to make excuses not to.  Help her to wake up, Lord. Help her to take responsibility for veering off your path and help her to return to you and the life you have planned for her.  Prepare for her the one that will love her, guide her, pray for and with her; one that will grow together with her in you.  Bring her someone who helps her to see all that she can do and makes her want to strive to be more today than yesterday; someone to bring out the best in her and complement the talents you have given her.  I trust you with her, Lord.  That has been the only way I've been able to survive all this over the last several years.  You know that plan you have for her and it is a plan to prosper her and to give her hope and a future.  

Next, I pray for my determined child.  You know my worries here.  She has built walls of plans and stayed determinedly within in.  She pushes out the world that has hurt her so much in her young life, and plans extensively to conquer it.  But Lord, your plans are not our plans and your ways not our ways.  I fear that the wall she has placed is also coming between you and that without you, her world will crumble like the ancient cities.  Bring her close to you again, Lord.  Her belief was so string when she was little, before she faced the demons that exist.  I have tried to help her overcome, but she has created her own way to cope and that has been by fortifying her heart.  She doesn't even realize how she hurts others, because emotion is not something she sees or understands anymore.  I fear that this wall will also keep her from being able to find the love you have placed within a mate for her. I know what a lonely world it is to live with a guarded heart and I don't want that for her.  Prepare someone to melt the ice away and warm her heart so it can fully feel again, trust again, and love again.  I wish I knew how to help her.  

Finally, I pray for my baby boy.  Oh Abba, how I love him.  I accept that he is different and I treasure that most if the times.  I don't worry about those health issues, because you have given him a reason in his heart that let's me know you are with us every step of the way.  There are hard days, Lord, and because you have blessed us with such help and growth, I sometimes even forget, which makes the hard days even harder.  I worry, Lord, as he grows that he will too, walk from your path and that some how with each if these children, it will be/have been my fault.  That my fears and my inability to overcome the obstacle and demons in my life, will push them away from you and your plan and path for them.  Help me find a place where he will be surrounded by people that will help him grow in you.  Help strengthen his faith.  Raise him up to be like David - one who has a heart like yours.  Give him strength to face anything that comes his way, courage to stand to the challenges, love beyond measure and obedience.  (That's where I have failed them, Lord, in modeling obedience.  Please forgive me.)  Prepare for him a mate that will walk through life loving and supporting him through the tough times and celebrating with him the blessings.  Help him see love.  Help us find what causes the headaches and pains and remove it.  Clear it from him so he may grow to carry your word and love to so many.  As he continues his love if science, may his faith increase as well.  Use me, I pray, in whatever way you can.  

Provide for us so we may live the life you have for us.  I do believe, Abba, so help me in my unbelief.  Strengthen me in you, as that is the only way I can do this.  I can not do it alone.  I need you and my hope is in you that you will return me to that love and strength and courage and that woman of God, you created me to be.  The one I was becoming before I fell.  Give me the strength to get up and walk straight again.  Amen.

Do you believe?

Today I was asked this question: "Do you have a hard time believing God will do what He says He will do? Why or why not?"

My response: Lord, I truly do believe that you can accomplish anything.  I believe with all of my heart that miracles still happen.  However, I struggle with believing that they can happen for me.  I don't trust myself to not walk off the path that you have for me, to get distracted.  And I have seen that things seldom go the way that I think they will or plan for.  Even in that; even in my disbelief that things will work out for me though, is the belief that You will use it for good.  I have seen it time and time again.  You use the bad things, the wrong turns, the obstacles, the challenges, the failures.  You use them for me to be able to minister to others.  I would be lying, Lord, if I never wondered why I couldn't be used while having the financial security to provide properly (or with abundance) for my family; or while having a great job where I am respected that makes good money, doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and doesn't require 90% of my day to be focused on it; or while living comfortably in a nice house, with plenty of room in a good neighborhood where my children had friends to play with and I had neighbors to lean on; or while having a mate that honors me and loves me and our family.  I get tired of living a life that people shake their heads at because "things always happen to you" or "goodness, do things ever go smoothly (or calm down)?"  But those moments pass and I see how much worse things could be and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that Your plan is best even when I don't understand the why.  I trust in your commands from 1 Corinthians 13, "Now I know in part...for now we see only a reflection as in a mirror....now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (Verses 9,12)  So, Lord, my prayer is that you will meet me in the space between my knowledge, faith and my unbelief,  I do believe, Lord!  Help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24). 

How should we respond?!?

And Mary said: “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, just as he promised our ancestors.” (Luke 1:46-55 NIV)

Mary's song.  The above scripture is the response of Mary to Elizabeth's greeting.  The greeting in which Elizabeth tells her that the baby in her own womb has leapt for joy because Mary is carrying the savior.  The greeting in which the Holy Spirit has opened Elizabeth's eyes, heart and mind to something amazing - the declaration of who the baby is in Mary's womb.

The entire Christmas story to this point is the type of story that gives a person wide eyes and makes heads shake.  It all seems so unreal; so impossible to our little earthly minds.  First we have Elizabeth who is well beyond childbearing years, yet she is pregnant.  Her husband is mute until the birth because he doubted.  Yet both know that their baby is one who will pave the way for the King of Kings.  Then we have Mary.  Sweet, young, pure, innocent Mary.  So excited to be betrothed to Joseph.  Then comes an angel and tells her that she is highly favored among women.  She has been chosen to carry God's son to term and bring his life into this world.  She has to face telling her fiancé, with whom she has not consummated their relationship that she is pregnant.  She has to face her family and friends and explain that God chose her to do this HUGE thing.  Just even thinking about that conversation has me shaking my head!  I would be honored to be chosen, but knowing no one is going to believe me, would have made me dread people finding out.  

Then she makes this long journey to see her cousin Elizabeth.  I envision in my head that this pilgrimage is kind of a two fold trip.  1- to put off the jeers and judgings of those she is daily around, as well as give herself time to prepare to tell Joseph the greatest and most potentially shocking news, which could end their relationship.  2- to see her cousin's miracle...a pregnancy so late in life.  To share stories with someone who will understand completely that with God the impossible is possible.  To gain strength, encouragement and courage from Elizabeth who is 6 months into her miracle.

Yet in all this, how do these women respond?  They praise God!  They look past the possible struggles and see the blessings and the miracles.  They look past the confusion and the unknown to the place where God is in control and has chosen them to be His servants in this plan.  

My devotional this morning talks about this season, but their question is really for everyday: 

How are you responding to circumstances or events that you don’t understand or perhaps might not choose? 

At this time of year, we emphasize the miracle of Jesus' birth and the story that goes with it.  I always get a little frustrated with the emphasis that somehow every one should be nicer at Christmas time.  This story should live in our hearts and the truth of all this should effect us everyday, not just during Christmas.  But that's another blog post for another day.

The real question here is are we able, like Mary and Elizabeth, to praise God in the midst of our confusion?  Can we respond to the events we don't get with exaltation to Him?  Can we be gracious and merciful and thank Him in times we don't choose?  OR do we let times like these ruin it all?

I'm ashamed to say that this week I fell into the latter category.  My week was already being jaded by a truly silly disappointment on my behalf.  And even when I've talked about it, I've said, it's really silly.  It was a vanity issue.  I felt I was being robbed of being "special" based on a conversation that never happened for a parade which isn't even about me.  Yet I couldn't seem to let it go.  (Which of course spirals my mood to begin with; when I can't rise above the way I feel God would want me to.)  Then I got a note from a student's parent in which I was attacked for robbing children of their innocence and having expectations that are too high for 6-7 year olds.  I was devastated!  I fight for our students constantly.  I am very vocal about how developmentally inappropriate today's standards are and I work very hard to differentiate curriculum and even homework to the level my students are working at so they make maximum growth.  I am criticized by my family constantly for working too hard and way beyond what is provided for.  I also work hard to include moments and memories into the day and experiences that allow children to be children.  So these accusations devastated my heart.  After investigating a little, I found that the root of this parent's frustration came from a newsletter and homework assignment that got mixed in with his things at daycare during homework time.  In responding to the parent, I tried to remind myself that the child was probably picked up after a long, hard day and upon seeing this 5th grade paper, an exhausted, frustrated tirade dispersed.  But as I've said a million times, at this point in my life, the bad things are easier to believe than the good.  Those judgements and discouragements come more often.  I often wonder how God can (or why He would) use someone as broken, messy and used as me.  

If that wasn't enough, the next day I received an email that another parent, after having a conversation with me about how far behind their student was falling, called my boss' boss to complain.  Again, I felt unjustly attacked.  1- I don't create or choose the standards.  I just do my best to teach them.  2- I have been talking to this parent for almost 18 weeks about my concerns.  Every bit of advice has been turned down.  Every help I've offered stated to not work before even being tried.  Homework and projects seldom turned in and a medical diagnosis that goes unattended.  But I'm the one in trouble? And my punishment?  To miss setting up luminaries with my church at a local park so I can meet with this parent long after my contract day has ended because it's convenient to them.  Don't forget to add the anger and resentment of the others on campus who have been dragged into the situation to sit in this meeting.

I of course responded like a faithful servant and exalted God, right?  I wish!  I got texts yesterday from peers stating, they could see on my face all day my sadness and they hoped whatever it was would be worked through quickly.  Knock, knock!  It's Me, God calling.  If that wasn't enough to wake me up, then came the text from the parent of the first situation.  She appreciated my heartfelt note, which she read with an open heart and realized she owed me an apology.  Then told me how much her son likes my class and how up until seeing that 5th grade paper she felt I was very appropriate and has been so impressed with her son's progress this year.  Knock, knock!  Are you hearing My encouragement?  Before going to bed last night, I was sharing with my mom details of my "scolding."  In telling her, I started to listen to the things that were said; that I heard/read and was repeating.  My boss' boss was not requiring punitive actions.  In fact he was not even getting involved other than to return the parent back to me because he trusts me and knows my heart and actions.  He and my boss are not requiring my peers as a judgement but to help the parent see that this problem is happening in every area of the child's day.  It is something more than a teacher can handle.  That without support from home and attention to the medical issue, change can not be made, nor growth occur.  It is also happening right away, rather than dragging on for weeks.  And although I'll miss out on one thing, I'll go into my weekend without unresolved issues, while showing the parent that we do care and are trying to work with them.  Knock, knock!  Do you see what I'm doing here?

Like Mary and Elizabeth, we need to open our eyes and our hearts to truly see the plan God has for us.  He never said there wouldn't be sacrifice or hard times, but He did promise we would never be alone. Sometimes we need to look past the confusion and our lack of choice to see the blessings and miracles.  God has a plan to prosper, give hope and a future and He IS in control...especially when we get out of the way and work with Him instead of for Him.  So with lifted arms, kneeling knees and a joyful heart I say,  “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant."

Expecting

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8 NIV)

I was reading my "Countdown to Christmas" advent devotional this morning and found myself suddenly at war within myself.  Today's portion was about Elizabeth and Zacharias.  Having waited and prayed for years, they were getting what their hearts truly desired, a baby.  But it seemed so impossible that when told, Zacharias could hardly believe it was truth.  Yet as impossible as it seemed, he and Elizabeth had never stopped praying for it and about it.  The admonition in this devotional is to follow their example and continuously pray with expectation and hope.

Here is where the war within me began, and this is how I expressed my dilemma in my time with God this morning:

My children know they can ask me anything.  Whether for help, for information, for some thing that they need/want....they know they can ask.  They also know that I may not provide what they request.  Sometimes because I can't and sometimes because I don't think it's what best, or at least not at that time.  But sometimes I get frustrated that they even would ask.

I often use the mental connection (or maybe comparison) of my parenting to help me understand things within God's parenting.  So in this instance, I don't want to ask for too much because I know that frustration I feel and that desire sometimes for the question to not be asked, especially when it is undeserving or when it is too much or the timing is wrong or I don't have the answers.

For example, I want to be in full health, especially in my abdomen, BUT God has helped me withstand the rough days and make it through; I am pretty healthy and have been for 42 years; it is partially a vanity issues; and I caused part of the problem so I feel undeserving of the healing.  

Or, I want my children to grow up to be loving, faithful, and independent servants of God, BUT I want them to always live near home and to need me and want me in their lives.  

Or my favorite, I want a significant other to spend my life with, BUT I feel unworthy, unwanted, unattractive, and undeserving because of my past; my desires are so ridiculous in this area I can't even put them in print; and I want my time alone too.  

How can I pray with expectation when I am so undeserving?  How can I expect so much when I have been unfaithful with so little?  How can I ask for more when He has blessed me so abundantly?  Shouldn't I just be content with what I have???

As I was reading this morning, I came to this portion, "After all of the years of waiting and praying and believing, heaven’s intervention was about to be experienced in the life and marriage of Elizabeth and Zacharias. Could it be true? Was it even possible after decades of marriage to conceive and bear a son? Would Elizabeth’s elderly frame be able to withstand 9 months of pregnancy and then the pain of giving birth? God, are You really this good?!" (Youversion devotional plan JOY! To Your World! A Countdown to Christmas Day 2). I had to giggle because this is so me!  For example, I want abdominal healing and the doctor has ordered a colonoscopy to help him determine if the diagnosis is correct.  But he only does them on Tuesdays, which means taking a day off work (especially a Tuesday - the one day we're told NOT to make appointments for).  What if I'm too sick to go to work the next day?  What if my system can't handle the prep?  What if it lasts weeks like last time?  What if they find something?  What if they don't?  I prayed expectantly for years for help.  And help He has. In all things, I know God has a plan in all of this.  Yet when I get to the point of finding answers, my fear conquers my faith.  I spend so much time praying Mark 9:24. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  I love the line in this morning's devotional text, "God, are You really this good?!"  

And as I'm writing this entry, I find myself giggling about it too.  I reread what I wrote.  The questions from my kids bring on a worldly guilt that I can't provide.  When I can't provide, maybe that too is part of a lesson.  My kids have learned to be successful with a little, so maybe that was lesson we were to learn.  But there is nothing out of God's control.   His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I can pray with expectation of an answer, but I need to pray without expectations on the answer.  I have hope.  He is my hope.  Now I have to practice letting go and letting God handle it all.   I love that my kids can come to me for/about anything.   As much as I say I get frustrated at time, it hurts my feelings when they go to someone else or hold it inside.  God wants us to come to Him with ALL of our questions, requests, concerns.  When we don't, it puts a brick between us.  Each brick is a piece of a wall that can separate us.  No, He may not always say yes, nor give us what we want or even answer every time, but that doesn't mean He doesn't care.  I can and will pray with expectation.  And I will work on, with his help, dropping my expectations on the answer and just trusting Him to know what's best.  God is in control and He knows the plan He has for me, to prosper me and to give me hope and a future...always.

Plans (part 2)

Difficulty praying for myself; we talked about how difficult that is for me and I came up with 2 reasons why:

#1  I don't feel worthy of anything

#2  the day is going to come (again) when His plan is different from mine

God has a plan for each of us.   We are told that this plan is to prosper us and not to harm us.  It is a plan to give us hope and a future.  We are also told that God's ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.  We are told that He has numbered our days before we were even in our mother's womb.  He knows the plans He has for us.  However, He also gave us free will.  So His plans don't always take the path from point A to point B that He designed because we choose to chase after the things that distract us.  This not only blows us off course, but can also blow others off course in the process (the ripple or domino effect).  In that same format, the choices of others can blow us off course as well.  God, with His infinite grace and mercy, can make good come from those detours, but life would be so much simpler if we just followed His plan.  

I often say I wish He'd give me a set of directions so I could follow the path; neon signs showing which way.  But there are 3 problems with this thought:

1) I can't handle all the info.  Let's be real.  If we could see the whole path and the things we might face along the way, we'd try to change it.  It is not always a smooth, easy or fun path.  We, as humans, would not willingly put ourselves through some of the trials required to mold and shape us.  Even seeing the end result, we often might choose to try and find a shortcut to the end if we knew the terrain along the way.  We're not ready for all of that knowledge.

2) I am human.  I am easily distracted.  You know that joke that's interrupted by yelling "squirrel"?  That's me on a daily basis.  I have the bad habit of chasing things.  Sometimes it's in an effort to help someone else, sometimes it's just my self absorbed human nature, but either way, I get off the path.  Sometimes it takes quite a while to get back on.

3) This is the most important reason.  If God gave us a set of directions for the whole path, we might (or more likely- would, probably) stop turning to Him.  When we have a set of directions in our hand, we tend to think we have everything we need and we become so obsessed with completing the job at hand that we forget or lose the focus of communicating with others.  God knows our frailty.  He knows how focused and determined we can be.  But He loves us so abundantly and wants a relationship with us, so He keeps us coming back for more info.  

Those failures I mentioned, many are because my plans don't match God's.  Or because others visions of the path or plan for us don't match God's.  When this happens, we judge.  We condemn. We discourage rather than encourage.  We cause a feeling of failure.  We think we are sharing wisdom, but wisdom doesn't come from us.  Wisdom comes from God.  God's thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways, but God has a plan.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV)

We need to trust in God's plan.  We need to ask for His wisdom and guidance.  We need to call on Him and come and pray to Him.  He will listen to us.  If we seek Him with all our heart, we will find Him.  And He will bring us back from captivity.  If our prayers and plans do not align with His, then He will bring us back.  But we must trust Him.  We must talk with Him.  We must share our thoughts so He can share His thoughts.  That means asking, even when we feel like we're not worthy.  Even if our faith is as small as a mustard seed, He can move mountains with us.  And He will help us in our moments of unbelief.  We must persevere.  For me that perseverance comes in getting up and trying again, no matter how the world makes me feel.  Because God has a plan.  And in His overwhelming and abundant love for me, His plan is to prosper me; to give me a continued hope and a future.  Now I need to just to get my plan out of the way and live for His plan...whatever it may be!

Plans (part 1)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

For He knows the plans He has for me.

I pray this A LOT.  Especially when things seem chaotic or messy or out of control, or when I begin to feel depression set in or a sense of hopelessness.  Maybe more than a prayer, it's a reminder to myself: 

Michele, He is God, creator of the ALL things.  He knows the plans He has for you and they are plans to prosper you; to give you a hope and a future.  Now stop being stupid and just trust Him.  (The latter part often added from me.)

Sometimes when I pray, I find that I am so frustrated with myself.  I feel like my faith, when it comes to me, is weak.  When praying for others, my faith is so strong.  I love to pray for others.  To thank God for the blessing others are and to intercede on their behalf.  I love how when I pray, scripture just flows through me without even realizing it.  I love knowing that nothing is too small or too big for God and that He loves each person I pray for so very much; more than any human could.  I love knowing God has a plan for them and I can't wait to see what He accomplishes and how He blesses them and in turn me by the privilege of praying and the honor of watching it unfold.

Praying for myself is totally different story.  I struggle in this area.  Oh, there is the quick fix prayer: the- "Lord, please help me get through this.  You have given me this opportunity, now please help me get it done."  -kind of stuff.  But even in this, there is still a hint of panic.  What is it?  He's proven time and again that He is there.  He has saved me from myself and from so many things over the past 42 years. He has shown me peace, strength, courage and even joy in the toughest times of my life.  So why is it so hard???

I've come to two conclusions (nothing new, but refreshed in my head):  

#1  I don't feel worthy of anything

#2  the day is going to come (again) when His plan is different from mine

#1 is an easy fact to admit.  Most people roll their eyes or scoff when I honestly admit it.  I wish they could see the inside of me and how that reaction just adds to this feeling.  I wish they could know that the reason I so quickly admit to it, is because to hide it (which I sometimes do) is to give it power.  If I say the words, it's like I'm not allowing it to fester or grow like a mold in the dark corners of my heart or head.  I put it out in the light hoping it will not grow into something more.  

I live my life with a mask on.  Everyday I attempt to get up and put on a smile and walk out into the world acting like I can do this.  However, inside I feel like such a failure.  I truly feel worthless.  I try to put it in perspective, but it doesn't always work.

I am not the person, nor am I living the life my parents wanted.  So I have been a failure as a daughter.  I know that I am loved.  I know that it's not done to intentionally hurt me.  However, I have felt inadequate my whole life.  Everything I do seems to cause worry, anxiety, distress, or anger.  I hardly ever do anything right.  And there's the constant double checking or correction of everything I do.  I've seen the pattern in the generation before and the hurt and frustration it has caused.  I know it hasn't been done on purpose.  I know that every word is meant from a good place; from a place of constructive criticism and a desire to be/do better next time.  It's a pattern I often fight very hard to break (and sometimes I lose).  I find it easier to hide away; to stay quiet; to think the thought as I ask God for His patience, wisdom and guidance.

 

My marriage fell apart, so I failed as a wife.  I say that God saved me because I never would have left and he was not a nice man.  He did his best to break me inside and out.  Most say we were young and naive.  We were young and naive, but I also believe in God and in the vows I made.  I made a choice to say I do that day and no matter what the reason, I made that commitment.  As a woman of faith I should have been able to save that marriage; to withstand the fire involved.  Instead, I stood in awe as he walked away.

I can't financially provide for my family, so I've failed as a provider.  My kids have never had to go hungry.  They've always had clean clothes and ones that fit to wear.  Their medical needs taken care of.  Their educational/extracurricular needs provided.  But to do it I've had to beg for help from others, make excuses why I didn't care for myself, and even lost our house.  At times it has left me feeling angry, selfish, jealous, depressed.  All of which I have to keep to myself, handle myself, and try to overcome myself.  I have to make excuses to do something fun, because I know I can't afford it.  I take on extra jobs at school and elsewhere to provide a week of summer vacation and then work the rest of summer just to try to tread water until school starts.  Which leads to my next failure.

I am so busy and so tired all the time.  I'm a single mom with 3 kids ranging from 9-23.  One of my children has had trouble with the law.  One of my children has relationship issues.  One of my children has suffered PTSD due to a horrific incident with a classmate.  One of my children drinks too much.  One of my children is filled with hate for a family member.  One of my children lives a life I don't understand.  One of my children is overly anxious about everything.  One of my children is so intelligent, beautiful and gifted yet can't see that so they're settling.  All of my children have or had medical issues.  All of my children have learned to live life with mom as a work-a-holic.  I've failed as a mother (and have been so lucky to have plenty of people tell me).  I failed them double because they've all grown up without a father (another thing people like to point out).  Back to the first failure and the next failure.  (See the vicious cycle?)

Then there's me as a woman.  I'm that girl that guys love to talk to....about other women, or sports, or their kid/, or their problems.  Even out on the town, I feel like there's a sign over my head that says: good listener or seek advice here.  With two groups I went out with a few times, it actually became a game or a joke on Girls' Night Out to see who gets the first bite; the married women or me.  None on my girlfriends have problems with me hanging out with their husbands because I'm "not a threat."  I used to take it as a compliment, thinking that it was because of my moral standards or that they knew I'd never betray someone like that, until one told me, "you're not the kind of girl guys would have an affair with."  What is that supposed to mean?!?  (And why am I offended by it?!?)  

In the last 10 years, I've been asked out twice: one was an old friend who tried to get me to lower my defenses.  I really thought he cared and that maybe...but knowing my past better than anyone I only found out through social media he was also seeing someone else. The other stood me up...each time he set up a new date.  I guess I could say three if I counted the guy that asked a friend to ask a friend to ask a co-worker if I would be interested in dinner.  The co-worker had to explain what happened twice.  The tangled path too long for my mind.  

As for the reasons guys don't want to go out with me?  From polling guy friends they range from: too intimidating because I'm so independent (I don't want to be - what choice do I have??), too low maintenance (and that's a bad thing?), too sweet (if only they could read my mind!), and I'm the marrying kind (how do you get married when you haven't had a relationship in 20 years and a date in almost as long?!?).  I did get one useful answer: too insecure.  He's right.  I am insecure.  How could one not be after everything I've been through?  It's not that I want things like this.  I want to be loved, cherished, held, comforted, adored.  I want someone who will love and understand me for me.  Someone who can be mature and responsible one moment and get swept up in a food fight the next.  Someone who loves so completely that I feel beautiful inside and out when we're together.  Someone to slow dance with, snuggle on a cold night, sway together as music plays, kiss under the mistletoe, lean on in the rough times, fight and make up with, but also pray with, praise with and serve with.  I might think they were unrealistic expectations if I didn't see it all around me.  So it's just unrealistic for me, I guess.  Failure.

Which brings me to my final failure.  My failure as a Christian.  God has never left me, nor forsaken me. In fact, I have abundant blessings.  I wake up each day.  I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.  We may be living in VERY tight quarters, but unlike millions in the world, we're living in a safe, warm home.  There is food available to feed my children.  My middle child is going to their dream school (go Penn State) and the oldest has had their chance to pursue higher education.  My youngest sees amazing doctors who have helped us to try to get everything he needs and keep him on a path of as much health as is possible.   I not only have a job, but one that has benefits and also keeps me involved in the community.  We belong to a church that fills my kids' lives with more surrogate grandparents than anyone could know what to do with.  I've experienced Hos saving grace over and over.  I've seen His provision, His healing, His grace and daily His mercy.  So why is my faith so small when it comes to my prayers for myself?  Why am I "oh ye of little faith?"

The world tells me I'm not worth it.  God's word tells me I am a rose of Sharon (Song of Solomon 2:1). The world makes me feel alone and on my own.  God's word says He'll never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). The world says I am a failure.  God's word says I am good (Genesis 1:31). So each morning I get up and put on a smile and walk out into the world acting like I can do this.  Perseverance.  "And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus." (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

Surprise!

“At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ “ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’ “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour. (Matthew 25:1-13 NIV)

Surprise!  People view that word in different ways.  Some people hear it and think of surprise parties or special treats or Christmas morning.  But there are other surprises, too.  Here are some surprises I know people have experienced lately: Walking out to the car to find you can't go anywhere because it won't work.  Having your weekly groceries rung up only to realize that you left your wallet at home.  Walking into work to find in completely flooded and your things ruined.  A shadow on that routine and annoying mammogram that led to the removal of a tumor.  Walking into a child's room to find that they passed away in their sleep.  An FHP phone call that there's been an accident and a loved one didn't survive.

Jesus' parable this morning is very clear.  Life is full of surprises, including when He will come for us.  The hardest part about surprises is that you are not prepared for them.  There are jokes about always being prepared: Always being sure you have on clean underwear when getting into a car.  Never leaving the house without make-up on.  But I think Jesus' is very clear:  always be alert and ready for my return.  You do not know the hour or the day, but you do know I am coming and what my expectations are.  

You're in a bind and have to take the bus.  You walk to the bus stop, but don't have the schedule.  Do you take a nap, or watch for the bus?  Do you wait until the bus is coming to check to see if you have the fare, or do you make sure before the bus arrives?  For some of us, this example is a stretch.  In this day of cellphones and social media, it's more likely that you'd phone a friend or put the request for a ride of Facebook.  And well, really, if you have that technology you could look up the bus schedule.  Okay, okay.  I've thought of another one.  

There's going to be a new baby in the family.  Does Mom wait until she goes into labor to pick a hospital, find a doctor, or even prepare a bag?  No, planning occurs for months in advance!  And EVERYONE gets in on it!  Just check out the nursery....crib, rocker, changing table, toys, books, diapers, wipes, bottles, and of course a closet full of the most adorable clothes you can imagine.  There's a route planned out, usually preregistration done, the phone tree created, car seat installed and even alternative plans "just in case."  Why do we plan so far in advance?  Because you never know what's going to happen and you don't want to be unprepared.  You want to be able to focus on the glorious event.

So why are we reticent in preparing for Christ to come?  We often take the Scarlet O'Hara attitude, "I'll think about that tomorrow."  But what if tomorrow never comes?  I love the words of Garth Brooks' song by that name:

If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her?  Did I try in every way, to show her every day, that she's my only one?  And if my time on earth were through and she must face this world without me, is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enought to last, if tomorrow never comes?

Everytime I hear it, I wonder if all those around me know what they mean to me.  I try very hard to make sure I tell them.  I'm very intentional with my love, as well as with my gratitude, my respect, my encouragement, my prayers. But this is about more that that.  

Am I prepared?  Not just do I have a will, although that is important.  Or did I plan my funeral, which is important, too.  These are not the preparations I was thinking of.  Is my heart prepared?  Do I know who Jesus is?  Have I declared who I belong to?  Have I lived my life in a way that I can and am willing to stand behind when I stand face to face with the Judge?  Or will I be too busy making excuses?  Does Light shine through?  Do I live my life serving others or do I live my life for my interests?  What and where are my treasures?  What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?   Will I have made a difference for the sake of eternity?  Has someone seen Him in me?  Did I plant seeds?  Did I live love?  Does He know how much I love Him?  Will I be ready or out searching for that one last thing?

Even as I am typing, I know that I have changes that need to be made.  Today is the day to start making those changes.  Because surprises in life happen and I don't want to be caught unprepared.  I'm going to start by praying for and thanking for all those reading this because YOU ARE LOVED!

And we are filled with joy

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Psalm 126:3 NIV)

Yesterday was one of those days.  We all have them.  I woke up in the morning and my heart was heavy.  While praying for a family who was saying goodbye to a loved one, a family member was laid on my heart.  After praying & praising for her, I prayed for my daughter who had called the night before to discuss a decision she's struggling with.  I sat thinking how grateful I am to be able to pray for others.  How I love that, thanks to technology, I can pray with them even when we're far apart.  And then POW!  

It hit me; like a brick weight I felt overcome with darkness.  Maybe depression?  Dissatisfaction with myself set in so that every move I made, every time I glanced in the mirror, every word I said was wrong.  It was not just about feeling fat or ugly or mean or impatient either.  I literally felt like I didn't fit in my own skin.  Inadequate and unimportant to my very core.  And of course then my thoughts ran away from me and tomorrow's concerns became today's and what about next week, next month, next year?

I knew right away this wasn't God.  I knew that this was the temptation of the devil.  I knew that this was his way.  To whisper all the lies that discourage us from standing tall....sometimes even from standing.  He tries it often, but usually I can find comfort in the Word.  I have an arsenal of scriptures I use on a daily basis to fight his lies.  Every once in a while though... Every once in while it just feels too much.  I just feel too tired.  He just brings too much too fast and I struggle.  And i know the dangers of where it can lead.  I've unfortunately experienced first hand how weak I can be.  I admitted my struggle to a friend I text each morning, but the answers fell flat on my heart and I didn't want her to know how deep it really was.  Mostly because there was nothing in particular causing this breakdown.  I felt like an idiot for even feeling this way, but that just weakened me more.  I posted on social media about missing my daddy and his hugs.  I think I thought that memory would bring me strength, but it didn't.  I quickly sent off an email to a prayer partner, just asking her to say an extra prayer for me.  And then I fell into the sobs that racked my body for the next 15 minutes or so.  

The rest of the morning was quiet.  Several things went wrong - stupid little things - but my son knew that this was time to stay quiet and be still.  (Not an easy task for him.)  I used the quiet time to try to secure my mask for the day, but it didn't feel like it was fitting right.  I knew if I could just get moving in my routine, it would slide back into place, or at least I hoped it would.  I'm an expert at wearing a mask.  Mottos like "fake it till you make it," and "smile so hard that even you believe it," were staples in my life. "Whistle a happy tune" from the King and I could be the backdrop of my life.  (Listen to it)  Most of the time it isn't very hard, and usually it doesn't take much for me to return to feeling blessed beyond measure.  In fact, the groaning and grumbling of those around me are usually a great help to snap me out of it.  While they talk I can see the blessings in their situations, which then helps me see how blessed I am too and darkness turns to light.  But sometimes, it just sinks me lower.  This was one of those days that I was fighting hard.  Eventually my mask fell into place, but I was just unsettled all day.  

After school, I went to the reception my friend and her family were having after the funeral.  At one point I sat there watching this eclectic group of people talk, the younger kids dancing and playing, the older kids chatting and I was thinking how much my friend's mom would have loved this.  And suddenly the cloud of darkness started lifting.  There was the very young (younger than me) grandmother with her daughter and new grandson that the mom introduced as a very unexpected joy.  There was the group of friends hovering in the kitchen refilling plates and washes dishes.  There was the husband who works overseas with his stepdaughter who is wheelchair bound talking to a teacher from our school while watching the young girl enjoy the twizzlers I brought.  (Her face brings me such joy when she sees twizzlers!)  There was the inventory of animals on the premises and the discussion of whether the bears and foxes counted.  There was laughter, and some tears, but overall, there was just such a feeling of warmth and friendship in every corner.  As I sat and looked at the faces of these people, I kept thinking how amazing it is the way everyone pulled together for this family.  And we always do.  As I was texting someone on the way home (I was using my designated texter...my son), I took the time to tell her how grateful I was for having her in my life.  And I realized I was filled with joy.  

In the book of John it says:  "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5 NIV). I am so grateful for all the things God does for me; all the things He opens my eyes to.  Will there be darkness again?  Of course.  Will there be moments that I feel overwhelmed?  Yes.  Will there be moments I feel too weak to stand?  Absolutely.  Will my God be with me?  You can bet on it.  And days like today are reminders that He hears my cry.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  For weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

And as the slide show fades, I am reminded: life is good today!

Little faith? Help me in my unbelief!

I have been reading Job for the past few days.  My cousin suddenly had a series of horrible things occur around her life: a friend's child died suddenly, her aging grandmother fell in the middle of the night breaking her hip, and she got a report from the doctor that there was problem with her mammogram.  All in a series of hours this occurred.  She was handling it all with such outward grace and faith and it made me think of Job.  As the days from this passed it seemed like she couldn't get a breath of fresh air without another piece of news.  My heart truly felt overwhelmed for her and I found I was praying constantly.  As things occurred in "my world" during this time, I just kept thinking I don't know how she is doing it.  I prayed for wisdom, discernment, healing, peace, comfort, and so much more for her, but mostly I thanked God for her faith, and for showing her blessings even in this troubled time.  I asked God to strengthen her as well because I know sometimes my outsides don't match my insides.  I hate when people commend my faith when inside I am wrestling with Him.  I tried to encourage her that if she was feeling this, it would be okay.  I think, more than anything, I wanted her to admit she was so I wouldn't feel so alone and inept.

Our faith can be in Him and we can still struggle with the events surrounding us.  I know the plans He has for me are to bring me hope and a future.  And I know that He can work ALL things for good.  I know with and in Christ ANYTHING is possible.  I do believe!  However, like the centurion in Mark 9:24, sometimes I need help with my moments of unbelief.  I don't think that this unbelief is necessarily in God.  We believe in God, but sometimes the events in our life are unbelievable.  Kind of an "I can't believe this is happening right now" moment.  In my head, my heart and the depths of my soul, I know that God is with me; that He loves me and will never forsake me.  But I sometimes become overwhelmed for a moment and feel like I'm watching from the outside...like it can't be my life.  These are the moments of unbelief I need help with.  And God, true to His word, never leaves me nor forsakes me and helps me find my way back to that strength of faith He has so blessed my life with.  There are moments when I like Peter, start to walk on water, but begin to sink as my focus moves from God to me and my faith falters.  And just like with Peter, Christ pulls me up and saves me - the one with little faith.  

This morning, as I was reading in Job, I found this segment:

"When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine."  (Job 7:13-15 NIV)

In the story, Job is talking to God here.  I found this interesting, not because I have had this conversation with God, but just the opposite.  I have prayed this to God in reference to the devil.  I don't think that God frightens me with my dreams or terrifies me with visions.  I believe that the devil uses these tools, or in his case toys, to try to tempt me away from God.  To place so extreme a fear in me that I question God's plan.  To place a barrier between us.  This morning is a perfect example.  I awoke to my daughter not being home.  Of course I felt angry because she promised she would be as I asked for a favor today.  But more than that, my mind instantly went to a morning 4 years ago.  A morning where her not being home led to a family emergency.  When I looked into her bedroom, my head was immediately filled with the vision of that day.  That day took me down into a dark valley that I am still trying completely climb out of.  God did not place this vision in me, the evil one did.  He wants me to live in fear, terrified to make a move.  But God did not give me a spirit of fear.  He gave me a spirit of power, love and self discipline.  Immediately, I praised God for giving me my daughter.  I thanked Him for loving her even more than I do and for knowing the plans He has for her.  I thanked Him for partnering with me to raise her, so that I wasn't alone.  Then I asked Him to help me in my unbelief.  To deliver me from that vision and the pain and anger that comes with it.  My daughter is on a path right now I don't understand.  And my vision is very limited as I only see one part, and that part hurts my heart.  But God knows and sees fully.  He understands.  He can work all things, even these moments, for good.  He can use her according to the purpose He has for her.  He loves her with an everlasting love.  I am of little faith, but faith even as small as a mustard seed can take root and move mountains.  Sometimes we fake it in the outside until our insides catch up.  But God will help us in our unbelief and oh, the peace He brings!

Thank you, God, for knowing the plans you have for us.  And for your love, your strength, your faith, and your peace.  May you use us to build your kingdom.  Amen.

Heavy heart

Lord, my heart is heavy as I think of all those in my life that are walking through valleys or struggling right now.  Please watch over them and hold them close.  Open their eyes to see the blessings even as they walk through the darkness.  Help them remember that you can work ALL things - even our darkest desert valley moments - for good.  You know the plans you have for us...to give us hope and a future in you.  And ALL things are possible for you.  Help us in our moments of unbelief.  I don't understand, Lord, and my mind and heart are filled with questions.  Why this one?  Why now?  Why so much?  Why so many?  How?  What for?  But what about?  But as filled with questions as I am - and I will ask again, Abba - I also know you and trust you and my hope is in you.  We wait on you, Lord.  In your word I put my hope, for me and for those I lift up to you now...and I am hopeful forever.  Right now we see in part, just one piece of the puzzle of life.  But one day, we will see fully as you fully see.  Until then, we wait on you, Lord.  Let our hearts take courage and may we be blessed with your peace.  Amen.

Running, really?

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." (1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NIV)

I hate running!  In fact I claim an old, rather dry joke that there are only 2 places to run....to the bathroom and the dinner table.  So every time I read this verse, I giggle to myself "couldn't it have been football?"  No, "it had to be running."  Now that being said, I do at least 1 5k a year, and would like to do at least 1/month.  Strange, huh?!?  Well, first confession, I speed walk them.  That's hard enough on my knees.  Even at that they swell to watermelons the next day.  And I do run sporadically sometimes within there.  Part of me would like to run.  I even tried to couch to 5K to help prepare my body.  But instead of me striking a blow to my body, it strikes one to me.  Each time I tried, my asthma went absolutely haywire, putting me out of commission for weeks, one time even months.  

But I never stop trying nor do I give up.  I still sign up for those 5Ks and I do them with my 9 year old son who has several medical issues.  We speed walk (and even that is a challenge for him at times) and we talk.  If we do it with others, we converse as we go.  If we're alone, we pray for those running around us.  And we take our time and always finish.  I think there's a lesson in that too.

Perseverance.  I mean, I could easily stop and just give up.  I could run, but never finish.  I could stop entering completely.  But I don't.  Just like in life, I keep trying.  There are obstacles that get in my way, they may even slow me down, but we work out how to get around them.  My strict training is in His word.  I wish reading the bible would help tighten my abs, but it does tighten my faith which is more important.  <Insert children's song from a talent my girls listened to endlessly growing up>

My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. 

My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

My body is a temple and Jesus lives within it.

My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

I want that temple to be tight and toned and chiseled and radiant.  But the choices of my past and the challenges of my present, physically make that not a possibility right now,  but is that what God wants?  Is He looking for finely chiseled and tightly toned?  Or is He more concerned with my heart?  I feel He wants a home that is genuine.  One that has that lived in feel that He can put up His feet and stay awhile.  My temple can be a hot mess at times (much like my house), but there is always a welcome mat at the door.  I may not run the fastest, but always with heart and prayer.  And I never give up, nor do I run aimlessly.  I run with purpose.  His purpose.  To walk in His name and be a blessing and servant to His people.  Do I always succeed?  No, but I never stop trying.  And oh the blessings it bring me!