Wants vs. Needs

As I was catching up on a devotional, I came across a story about a woman who was looking through the newspaper circulars at things she wished she had.  While she was, she noticed her son playing with a flashlight and their cat.  When the game ended the cat found a spot where the sun was shining and stretched out to find rest.  The woman decided to do the same and made note of the contented purr of the cat which turned her mind to the sales ad.  "I sometimes make the mistake of thinking something I buy will make me content; energy spent chasing the wrong light." (Sabra Ciancancelli; Daily Guidepost 2013 p. 509). 

As I sat thinking about the story, I got thinking about the situation I am in right now in my life.  Here I am getting ready for the holidays and trying to decide the best gifts for others and yet at the same time, I am trying to determine what I can live without as my situation right now necessitates me moving my family of 4 into my mother's home.  We will be going from a 3 1/2 bedroom house with decent size common rooms and a full shed to sharing 2 bedrooms at my mom's.  That's a lot to go into storage and do I need it all?  Of course, some things, like the dishes, pots and pans, even towels can go temporarily into storage until the spring my daughter and 3 roommates move into their off campus apartment.   But what about the rest?  Do I keep all the second hand furniture or do I let it go to someone who may need it more?  

Not only does this make me take a hard look at my life, but also sometimes causes my brain to battle between excess and wants.  With the exception of my son's bed, all of the furniture in my house is many years old and most of it things given away as others got new things.  I've never had that new and cushy couch of that high 4 poster bed or was I even able to give my kids the trendy bedroom set they wanted.  But there is the fake brass bed in my bedroom that Mom and Dad bought for my when we settled in here on Florida...when I was in 6th grade.  And the dressers?  They belonged to my parents for 25 years before they came to me.   There in the pull out bed in in my daughter's room that served as our couch/living room camping space which came from a friend of my mother' when she still worked at Stetson.  After being used for many a weekend movie or tv marathon, it moved to my daughter's room when she and her sister split up and got their own rooms.  It was replaced on the loving room but a 2 piece set that a coworker was getting rid of.  Both pieces never fit so one went to the curb, but the other has had many flips and Saturday bounce fests from my son and many evening snuggles while we read a book.  The entertainment center is broken in at least 2 different spots, but it was $29 at Kmart 20 years ago when I was becoming a single mom.  I bought it with money from my brother and put its cardboard like pieces together by myself.  As I think about the memories involved in each piece, I stop.  Brand new things would have had memories too by now.  But would they have made me more content?  Buying a new couch would have taken money and that may have prevented us from being able to buy those marathon DVDs we've watched a hundred times or the pizza or groceries that allowed us to not leave our camping cave of the living room.  Getting the girls new furniture could have meant no money for those trips to Blue Springs with their friends or the Saturdays at Sea World or the trips with the youth group.

Don't get me wrong, I'm human and have wants, but I also know that God can provide that too, if it is in His will.  For example, I wanted an iPad.  I would never make that kind of purchase for myself and I knew I could live without it and be just fine.  My sweet little boy tried to save up for one for me last year and so my brother bought me one for Christmas.  I read books, use it in my classroom, connect with others through social media, watch tv/movies, and yes, play games on it.  But do you know what my favorite feature is?  The bible app.  When I am sick or having a rough night, I can click it open and not. Only are there a ton of translations to the word that ease my soul, but it will read it to me.  I make notes at church on it.  Ben and I use it to do devotions and listen to Adventures in Odyssey.  We even lit the advent wreath on it last night.  There are therapy games for my son's fine motor skills, and for his social and emotional growth.  I didn't need it, but God saw a way He could use it to help me grow and provided it.  I can now blog from anywhere!

Even now, in this situation I am in, God is still providing for my every need.  Although it is tight and uncomfortable and I feel so like a failure for being in this situation, God shows me Light.  I have a roof over my family's heads and warm beds to shelter them on the cooler nights.  There is food on the table.  This may be temporary or maybe God has a bigger plan.  And although I wanted to be able to save the day or do more for my children, I have one at Penn State, one working and figuring out where to turn, and one who now has a chance to see Grandma everyday and feel the love of another in his life. As a single mom, I have an extra pair of hands and eyes for my 3 little (or big) blessings and I have the opportunity to help my mom too.  At 74, she is living in a house that is a lot to keep up with.  She keeps herself busy and sometimes gets so caught up in the cleaning and her schedule, she forgets to eat.  She gets nervous about strangers in the neighborhood and I am much safer on a ladder, plus my extra inch can help reach things and I can zip up her dresses or fix computer issues.  I have someone to talk to at the end of the long day and someone to help keep things clean and organized when I am overwhelmed at work.  And even though there are TVs and more channels than we could ever dream of (I never could afford cable - and in our area there was no antenna reception), we still spend enjoy spending time playing Zion Check (rummy style card game) while we laugh.  

I hate that this is happening at Christmastime but it could put such a damper on the holidays.  Or could it be just what we need to focus on this season?  I have found myself making recommendations to the many people I know seeking for gift ideas for their own family.  Give them a trip or a day together.  Something you can share and enjoy the memories forever.  The truth is things will come and go, needs change, become outdated, but family is forever.  

Thank you, Abba, for providing for my every need and today especially for reminding me that wants may not be what You need to help me grow .  

Forget the past - live for today

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18, 19 NIV)

This verse is heavy on my heart today.  Yesterday I found myself struggling down memory lane.  I was thinking of times in my life that were beautiful and magical.  I was thinking of times that were more dreamlike than reality.  When I get into that mindset, I fall into a pit.  The "what-if" pit.  I hate this pit with a passion because it is so deep and hard to get out of.  But when I sit and look at the pit in the light of the cross, my eyes see something new.

No, I didn't get to marry the handsome, wonderful marine or wear the beautiful dress or say the heartfelt vows I wrote or dance the night away into a gorgeous honeymoon.  I didn't get to live in the dream house we were building and stay home with my daughters instead of working.  BUT, I also was not the woman he divorced 3 years laters.  And I wasn't stationed with him in San Diego when my daddy was dying.  My daughters and I were here.  Holding his hands everyday till the end.  Belle reading him the bible, Kalie singing him sweet songs.  I was there in his final breath to comfort him and remind him that we would be okay and he should go to Jesus; he had taught me well and we would survive.  I was still there when months later my mother reached the point that the mourning was too hard and she just needed to meltdown for a day.  Kalie performed in musicals and shows, Belle played soccer and won awards for her art and academics.  They shared holidays with both sets of grandparents.  They had a blast a youth group.  And I had Ben.  Life has been exciting!  None of those things may have happened if my then dream came true.  God had another plan and His way is always right.  So today, I wake up fresh and new.  The past is just that - past.  And today God will do a new thing in my life.  Memories are fun, but like a book, they need to be put down and we need to choose life and live it.  That's a blessing God gives us today...the present.

Memories

Yesterday we were making the drive home from Washington DC, and at one point in the trip everyone was sleeping so it was just quiet in the car.  These are the times that my mind often gets the best of me.  As I drove, I was thanking God for the opportunity to make more memories with my children; for them to have memories of time together with each other, with me, with their grandmother.  Then my mind goes to other memories...memories of other times, other dreams, almost moments and often that leads to sadness in me.  

Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed and so grateful that it's so.  I have 3 beautiful children.  This week I've watched them walk hand in hand, giggle and laugh, the older 2 take turns carrying the little one, as well as instigating, teasing and normal impish behaviors.  It truly warms my heart to watch. I feel so blessed to have them and for all the times we've had together.  Then my mind thinks about how great it would be if they had 2 parents to love them.  I think about how blessed they would have been.  I think, if only I had someone to share this road with.  I think of missed opportunities. I let my mind begin to get away from me.

But I have to stop myself.  I can't let Satan take me down this road.  I can't let him turn my blessings into guilt, sorrow and curses.  God has a plan for me and family and that plan has been to prosper me and not to harm us.  He has given us hope and a future.  There is a reason for every path we walk, even those we chose to go down when another, better path was offered.  And God can and does create good even in the midst of our mistakes and missteps, because He loves us so overwhelmingly and unconditionally.  

Our life has been different, but in the different has been so much joy!  Food fights to break tense moments.  Lazy days of movie marathons to end a stressful week.  Trips to the park where for just a little while we can all be 5 again.  Candle lit dinners of Mac and cheese and juice on wine glasses.  Talks that start out so serious but end with laughter so full your stomach hurts.  Times where a bed is meant for the whole family.  And times of such financial strain that all we have to give is what our hands and hearts can offer.  Dreams of tomorrow, memories of yesterday, all gifts of today.  The truest gift is Him in all of it.  God has provided for their every need.  No, they may not have 2 parents, but He gave them one with twice the love to share.  No, they may not have all the latest toys or gadgets, but He has never let their needs go unmet.  

Thank you, Lord, for the gift that is my family.  Thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon us, especially the memories that we cherish of our times together.  Thank you, also, Lord, for guarding our minds.  Thank you for protecting us from Satan's schemes to rob our joy and for helping us to know we have a choice: blessings or curses.  I choose life lived in You.  Almost isn't.  You are.  Thank you.

Impulsivity

This morning while reading my bible study I came across these questions:

"Am I responding to all God is leading me to do?

Have I obeyed all I already know to be His will?

Do I really believe He loves me and will always do what is best and right?

Am I willing to patiently wait on His timing and to obey everything I know to do in the meantime?"

(Experiencing God by Henry & Richard Blackaby p.192)

Wow!  The first 2 questions I found hard only because I don't like the honest answer.  In other words they were sadly easy because I am guilty.  The third question was also easy and I could honestly answer with a loud and resounding YES!  I do believe that God loves me!  In fact I truly believe and feel that He loves me more than I can ever really fathom or understand.  And I do believe He will always do what is right and best even if it isn't what I want.  Mostly I know because I've seen, lived and experienced this throughout my life.  When I look back, I can so often see that He knew better than me and I am so grateful for His will and plan.  

Then that pesky 4th question comes along to call me out.  "Am I WILLING...to WAIT... PATIENTLY...on HIS TIMING...and to OBEY EVERYTHING I know in the meantime?"  Wow!  I wish that I could say that my answer is another resounding yes, but I know me.  I want so much to say yes to this, but I am so guilty of this impulsivity when waiting is near.  In fact, when I was younger, my mother used to tell me (daily) that "patience is a virtue," to which I would add under my breath...a virtue I don't have.  

God has worked on that ALOT in my life and in some ways I've come a long way baby!  In others I have so far to go.  For example, my family is currently on vacation in Washington DC.  As we were driving up here, my mom commented on how impressed she was with my driving through high traffic areas.  She said I have so much patience to give and take while her natural inclination is to be an aggressive driver and push others out.  This did not used to be true of me.  In fact my dad used to call me Mario Andretti.  However, many of my son's medical appointments are in larger cities and usually we hit high traffic on the way home because we are often the last appointment of the day to alleviate missing so much school/work.  And then there are the times over 22 years of taxiing trips to concerts, camps, football games, etc. where there are just too many people trying to get in or out at the same time.  God has taught me that my impatience is only going to take me longer...an accident that takes hours to report and months to deal with insurance; an impulsive shortcut that takes me 3 hours out of the way or gets me lost.  It is much easier to pray for those around me, that God will keep us all safe and move in their hearts (since He alone knows what they're facing).  And patience then overcomes.

However, this is not ALWAYS the case.  I am often a very impulsive creature and that gets me into trouble, often MAJOR trouble.  For example, the big changes in life.  My adult daughter has been living with her father for the past year.  It has been a rocky situation and i have hated it, but she has not been able to come home until she was willing to live within the boundaries I have set.  However, there has been theft amongst siblings and a lack of discipline and although chomping at the bit, I have tried to stay out of it and be patient and wait for God to work.  However, my daughter went away to a wedding and when she returned she could not get into her own room.  According to the locksmith, someone had put something like glue into the lock.  Rather than keep my own cool head and pray for wisdom and discernment, I spouted off to her that she shouldn't have to live like this and should move out.  My impulsivity and anger has had a domino affect.  My daughter (whose impulsivity is worse than my own) proceeded to move all of her things out of her dad's and are now strewn between my mother's house and my own.  I have no idea where we are going to put any of it or where she is going to sleep or how this is going to change the dynamic already shifting.  In true Scarlet O'Hara fashion, I declare I'll think about it tomorrow - or after our trip.  Ironically, it was my impulsivity that moved her out and now moved her in and what have I gained or learned?  

Lack of patience can do so much damage.  I've learned this unfortunate lesson over and over again and I have the scars and heart breaks to prove it.  And yet, I still struggle with that impulsivity.  My study asked "why do you think God sometimes works slowly in a person's life as He matures him or her?"  That answer comes so easily to me.  We as humans want to jump right to the end.  We're looking for the end result - the instant gratification.  Good or bad: good so we can revel, bad so we can change things up and go again.  However, so often when we jump to the end we miss the glory and the lessons in the steps.  I used to drive my girls nuts when they'd see me read books.  If the books got iffy, I'd jump to the end to see if everything was going to turn out okay.  If the character was going to die or have a life of tragedy, I'd stop reading and miss an incredible journey.  

Real life is like that for me.  I get so antsy that things aren't going to end....well, the way I want them to, so I try to push it along.  Instead, I need to stop, take a deep breath and let God do His thing. When I look back at my life I can see His plan is best, but when I have just that one piece in my hand, I try to make it fit even if I need more pieces before it can.  I want to shout out, "yes, I'll wait on You, Lord," and truthfully I do mean it, but I know me and know that I will fail and that keeps me from saying yes.

Lord, thank you first and foremost for not giving up on me.  You show patience that is beyond a level I can understand and for that I truly am eternally grateful.  Lord, I am also filled with sorrow that I have failed so many times at waiting on you.  You have taught me so much about patience and daily continue to do so.  Thank you, for all you've taught me.  But, Lord, I still have a long way to go.  Out of fear of failure I hold back from saying yes, and that in itself makes me feel ashamed.  Help me remember, Abba, that you did not give me a spirit of fear, but of strength and self-control.  You WILL help me be strong.  You WILL provide for all of my needs in the interim.  You WILL give me the strength and courage to get through the rough seas.  And most of all, You WILL see to completion this work You have started in me.  Give me wisdom and discernment, especially when I forget to ask.  Give me a steadfast heart that makes my yes YES and keeps my no firm.  Help protect me from temptation.  Give me Your spirit of self-control.  And surround me with Your love and encouragement.  Thank you, Lord, for all that You have taught me and shown me.  Thank you for the experiences in my life that show me Your will is best and for the path taken that has made me who I am.  Please continue in me the good work You have started so one day I may hear You say, "We'll done, good and faithful servant."  In Your name I pray, Amen.

I will give you rest

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

Why is this so hard?  We get busy, life takes roller coaster turns, our plates become filled, and we become so overwhelmed.  Well, I become so overwhelmed.  Maybe this isn't a problem many people suffer from.  However, if this past year at work is any indication, I know I'm not alone.  Truth is, I feel like more and more "overwhelmed" is the response to the question, "how are you?"

Yet, it's so simple.  We have the Prince of Peace, God of all things, the Perfect Provider, the Creator of all heaven and earth offering us rest.  He says it so simply, "Come to me". And He doesn't pull any punches about who He's talking to either.  "All you who are weary (raise hand here) and burdened (raise hand again)."  Most importantly He's offering the very thing we're all searching for: "and I will give you rest...you will find rest for your souls."  Yet we run in circles like hamsters on a wheel until we just can't anymore.  Why?  

For me, I think that I've become so used to the overwhelming, that I'm a little afraid of the peace.  It sounds so ridiculous even coming out of my mouth, that I'm almost embarrassed to put it into print.  I equate it to the story I used to hear as a child about the worn out shoes:

Once upon a time there was a man (I've learned since that it had to be a man because woman are addicted to shoes!).  This man wore the same shoes everyday.  He was proud of their polished appearance, the general look of success and power the style brought him, something he didn't generally see in himself.  When he first got the shoes, they hurt his feet, but once breaking them in the pain subsided some and that showed perseverance and control.  Of course, he continued to wear them because he felt distinguished.  The man wore the shoes for years and years.  The wear and tear on the shoes so extreme that the soles even allowed his feet to touch the concrete as he walked.  However, these were his power shoes and with them on he felt strong. One day, a friend noticed his cracked and bleeding feet and offered him a new pair of shoes, but the man wouldn't take them.  "New shoes hurt.  They never fit quite right," the man said.  His friend replied, "These shoes you're wearing must hurt your feet because they're so worn out.  Why won't you change them?"  His response was simple, "These shoes make me look powerful and I'm used to this feeling."  For the man, the pain he knew was better than the pain he didn't and he thought they made him look like more than he felt he was.

I think, at least for me, my chaos is like the old shoes.  If I go to bed weary, I did something during the day.  If I am overwhelmed than I must have something going on in my life.  I must be someone.  But that is not what God wants of us.  The Christ that faced the anger and futility of a nation and faced death says His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Doesn't even seem possible that those two thoughts could go together.  I can't wrap my mind around it, yet here He is telling me that He can teach me how to live a life like that.  

We know, as believers, that we are going to face trials and challenges.  It's guaranteed in scripture.  We know that life is not going to always go the way we want because we're not God and His ways are not our ways.  But if the Crucified Christ can look to me and say, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light," the least I can do is listen.  Do I believe He is who He says?  Do I believe He can do what He promises?  If so, then it's time to change my shoes.  

Abba, I can be such a stubborn mule, caught in the ruts I've travelled for so long.  You are my God and I love You so.  Help me today to just take a breath and listen to what you are trying to teach me about peace.  As I face any challenges, normal daily annoyances like a busy schedule or big shockers, please teach me and help me find rest for my soul.  You make all things new.  It is not me who makes it through each day, it is You working through me.  Help me never forget that.  You make ALL things possible. So at then end of the day if I feel weary and burdened, help me remember that it is only because I'm fighting You.  Help me let go and give it to You so You can help me learn to share the load and may I always find my rest in You.  Amen.

The whole picture

I woke up this morning and found that my heart was hurting.   Not for me or something going on in my life, but for people I'm praying for.  The man whose wife left him when he didn't see it coming.  The woman whose husband is having an affair.  The friend being pressured by family and friends to end her marriage when she doesn't feel that's what God is calling her to do.  The 4 year old with brain cancer. The woman wondering why her husband doesn't love her anymore.  The person whose husband is facing DUI with the accompaniment of a minor charges.  The many that are waiting to hear on jobs: loss of, new, clearance.  The growing list of people facing financial issues.  The friend who with a few weeks of school left had his financial aid cut down.  The woman losing her mom just a few months after losing her dad.  The woman recovering from open heart surgery whose husband died as she was recovering and now trying to have her heart heal in many ways.  Two families needing to sell their house as soon as possible. The list is over flowing with all the hurt people are facing.  And these are just some of the people on MY prayer list.  Add in all the tragedy in news reports and things in the social media...

I found myself praying this morning feeling abundantly overwhelmed!  I feel so completely inadequate because there is nothing I can do for these people other than pray.  I'm not diminishing prayer - that is a huge and VERY important thing.  However, when seeing so much pain, I just want to do more; something tangible - I want to make it all better.  More over, I find myself questioning why?  Why do we have to go through so much?  Why do those who are faithful face such earthly things?  Why does it seem like even though we pray and pray somethings never change?  Wy does it seem like some people get loaded down with bad things?  My faith is being shaken by so much pain and my lack of understanding.

This morning I went looking for words of hope; words of comfort and peace.  Something tangible I could offer the hurting.  God is so funny sometimes.  I was looking for a scripture or two, but instead everything I looked at went with the theme of my brain.  I found 12 scriptures to bring hope and comfort (see below)!  Then I found an article in my email box "God Cares For You."  Then I open my devotional which was about the fact that God's plan can not be thwarted.  (I love that word: thwarted!). In hunting for comfort and peace for others God reminded me of something He's written on my heart and something He's been teaching me about: the whole picture.  

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul's talking about love.  God has chosen this year to write verse 12 on my heart:  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Yes, I ask why.  Yes, my heart hurts for others.  Yes, I know God's ways are not my ways nor His plans my plans.  Yes, I sometimes wonder why He can't do it the way I see it.  Then He reminds me of this verse.  God has a plan for us and that plan is to prosper us and give us hope.  Now we can only see a reflection.  We see a piece of a puzzle with no directions.  But one day, we will look back and as more pieces are added we will begin to see the picture.  And then one glorious day, when we are celebrating new life with Jesus; celebrating no more pain or suffering, then we will see fully.  The picture will be finished and although we'll see the scars and the pain we suffered, we'll see how they fit into a beautiful picture and story we know as life.  We will praise all of it!

Does this mean it's going to be easy now and I won't question anymore? Of course not!  But it does mean that my patient, gracious God will remind my heart of this truth His taught me.

Thank you, Abba, for being patient with me when I question and lack understanding.  Thank you for having the grace and mercy to remind me over and over and over again.  Thank you most of all for loving me so much that you would write your word on my heart; engraving it there so it, like You, will ever leave me.  Thank you for being Abba, Lord, Father, Creator, Comforter and full of mercy.  Help me to share what you teach me with others. Amen.

Scriptures to find hope and comfort (just a few):

Psalm 46:1, 9:9, 55:22, 22:24, 116:1-2, 30:5, 71:20-21

1 Peter 5:6-7

Jeremiah 29:11

Nahum 1:7

Lamentations 3:31-32, 3:22-23

John 16:22

Sharing - not just good in the sandbox

I've been continuing along with the Experiencing God study. I've had to break it up further than most people. Most days I'm only doing half of a day, not because of time or lack of enthusiasm but because there is so much to think and pray about. I find that God is showing me things that get me off on mental tangents that's I need to process before I can go on. Like today. I've reading 1 Corinthians 12:7-31, where Paul is talking about the body and it's many parts. I was struck by these words, "If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?" (1 Corinthians 12:17-19 NIV). I started thinking about what we say about a person who has a part of their body that does not function; we call them handicapped. We have a special title that acknowledges the weakness of a part not working. But then part of me said that they still function? And Truth began to talk to me about two things.

First of all, when a person has a part of their body that won't work, they do still function...because God gives them the strength. However, one part of you has to over compensate when this occurs. Also, there is a different in functioning and fully functioning. When I have a broken bone I can still function, but I'm slower, more delayed, and often need help to get done everything that needs to be done. Which leads to the next Truth.

If I don't share my life, then I am handicapping myself. For example, a blind person cannot find their way through a new environment without assistance. They have to trust those in their lives (known and unknown) to help them "see" the next step and where it is safe to go. By not sharing my life I am blinding myself willfully; like walking into a room with my eyes closed tightly shut and refusing to accept help. I will stumble and fall and experience needless pain and maybe even get stuck.

This is so hard for me. I'm willing to share my story with anyone with the thought that if part of my story touches or helps them through their struggles than it isn't just for naught. God could use my pain. But the thought that if I share my story and accept the help and comfort people offer me? It feels too much. I am so undeserving of God's mercy. I have failed so many times. He is so gracious just to get me through each day, especially for a stubborn mule like me. More grace than I deserve. I am so focused on being used that I don't allow myself to be served. The thought came into my head that God didn't just create a hand to give, but also to take. Our brains don't just give out thoughts, they take in things and process them. Our legs don't just help us to walk, but also to rest. Our eyes don't just look, they then share what they see with the brain that process and shares the intel with other parts so that FULLY they can function. Does it sometimes fail to work right? Yes. Do we just stop looking? Walking? Giving? No. We persevere.

I need people. I'm actually shaking my head as I say that! I have so forced myself to not accept that Truth that even when I admit it part of me is denying it! Ironically, I can't help but laugh at that, because that is just so me. I've spent so many years trying to do it all on my own that people not only have stopped offering to help, but I'm not sure what help I really need! It's going to take a miracle; a total act of God to help me with this. Like the lame man who when told to stand said, "I've been lame for so long I can't stand. My legs are worthless." I have spent so many years telling others and myself that I don't need anyone...

I don't have any great wisdom today and I don't know what the next step is, but I know that God is hitting me with Truth. I need to pray about this. The I need to look and see where God is working. Watch and listen for what He is telling me and then adjust my life. I feel I need to say that again to solidify it in my head. I need to ADJUST my life to do His will.

Lord, you have shown me Truth today about how I've lived my life. I'm sorry for being a broken body part. I don't know what the next step here is, Lord. I don't know what to do with the knowledge you've given me, nor am I sure that I am ready for this change. But I want to be obedient to You. Prune my heart. Cut back the selfish limbs and the overly independent leaves. I'm afraid to ask that, Lord, I truly am. I know your plan is to prosper me. Help me to accept and adjust. Help me do it now before you feel it necessary to take greater measures to get me to move. Help me be the child that responds from redirection and not the one that needs a good spanking or restriction to finally make a change. Thank you, Abba, for loving me and talking to me. Thank you for opening the eyes and ears of my heart. I will wait on You, Abba, be my guide. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Only one

Wow, today during my bible study time it was war of the worlds!  I felt so convicted and had to keep stopping to pray, yet every time I prayed there was that hated whisper of doubt and lies.  Yet, God is faithful, and although I'm sure I will be tested, I am thrilled at what I heard!  My lesson today was about not just working for God, but working with God.  There is a difference.  I was asked what effect my belief that "we are already experiencing disciplinary judgement like that described in Isaiah 5:1-7" has on the way I live.  I realized that I try so hard to bear good fruit, to be a light, to love, HOWEVER, I do it where I deem it's fit to be done.  To truly bear good fruit to the fullest, I need to see where God is wanting me to bloom and bear.  He can do in a moment what I would take my life trying to do.
In the course of praying about this, God gave me this little jewel of His knowledge:  I often shy away from things because I am only one and I don't really matter.  Jesus was only one and by working with His Father, obeying His Father's will, He saved the whole world - past, present and future.
Now, the "it only takes one" philosophy has taken the world by storm, especially throughout my lifetime and maybe that's why I've been so skeptical about it.  As one, I've joined many a thing and saw now positive responses.  But that's not the key in what God showed me today.  It's not the joining the fight...it's joining His work. There's a difference there.  As I'm typing this, I think about so many "only ones," like Mother Theresa.  She could have joined the opposition and been a part of an army making a difference for her country, but she heard God telling her to love, at a time when she was the only one to love, but he worked through her.  John the Baptist, he could have joined the disciples and followed Jesus, but he instead prepared the way...the only one.
I'm not going to lie, that I'm scared about this knowledge.  He calls me into action knowing I'm only one, but you know what, I've spent years being only one.  The only one parent my children have actively in their lives, the only teacher in the classroom battle every day, but more so, the only one holding myself back from doing what God asks.  I live in fear of being only one, but because of that I have isolated myself to being only one.  I know this is not going to be easy, and I know I'm going to fall and have to get back up, but I have a choice to make.  I've got a crisis of faith and I must choose: truly be God's servant and adjust my life to be about His work or say I'm a servant and only serve in my will.  Yes, it's still serving and some good may come of it, but oh what could happen if I serve with God instead of just serving for God or in His name!

Oh, Abba, my heart and head are so stubborn at times!  Forgive me, please, forgive me.  Lord, I want to be your servant.  I was created for your purpose and to serve with you and to serve you.  Help me, Lord, help me to see where you are at work.  Help me to know how to join you.  Help me to quiet the voices that contradict this plan; the self doubt and the lies.  Help me to adjust my life so I may better do Your will, where you need, in your timing; help me join you in what you are about to do.  Most of all, Abba, thank you for your gift of knowledge.  Help me never forget that although I am only one you are with me and in me.  And Abba, in you ALL things are possible!  Amen

Feeling weak

I've recently begun doing the Experiencing God bible study...again.  This will be the 3rd time, but each time I've done it, I've gotten so much out of it and so much that I didn't catch before.  And it's always so timely.  God's just always amazing like that.  Lately (meaning almost to over a year now) I've been feeling so defeated, so low.  No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get myself back to where I want to be: not financially, not emotionally, not physically, not spiritually.  And no amount of perseverance seems to be helping.  I've wondered if it's time to seek professional help, as the more I can't get out of this funk.  I've spent months crying out to God.  And well, just crying and beating myself up.  "There must be something wrong with me."  "My faith must not be strong enough."  "I must be outside of His plan for me, because I just don't feel Him."  "Why can't He answer my cry?  Show me what to do?"  "Why does it feel that the more I ask for help, the quieter it gets from Him?"  "Why does satan keep whispering lies even when I pray?  I feel like I say, 'Get Behind me!' everyday."  I've reached a point that although I know God can use me, maybe He's just decided not to anymore because I'm so blech.  (very technical term for how I'm feeling)  :)

It's not that at any point I've thought God has left me or that He isn't there.  I know He is.  I see it everyday.  I can still find blessings.  But I just feel unusable.  Then today, He sent me a line to remind me.

"If you feel weak, limited, or ordinary, you are the best material through which God works." (Blackaby; Experiencing God p. 28)

Lord, you know how weak I feel.  I feel most of the time that I can't even hold up my head anymore.  Limited is an understatement and I am less than ordinary.  But according to You, that makes me the best material through which You work.  You didn't use Moses or Gideon or Ruth or even Mary during times when they felt on top of the world.  You used them when they felt like they couldn't go on.  The sadness, the embarrassment, life had just gotten to be too much for them.  So I walk in faith today, Abba.  I pray that you are bringing me to where you need to be able to use me.  Use me, Lord, as You will, but please never leave my side, nor take Your strength.  I don't live in my own, Lord.  I don't have any of my own.  Lord, when I look at my life I don't see any way any part of it can work out in a positive way, but yet at the end of each day, You have gotten me through.  I know that it's Your strength, Abba, it has to be.  Thank you for hearing my cry.  Thank you for whatever it is You have planned.  Thank you for what you are doing in my life.  May it bring honor, glory and praise to you and may I experience You on the way.  Amen.

Labels

I've been continuing to pray on and listen to 1 Corinthians 13.  I even bookmarked a reading of it I found on YouTube.  (I can't afford an audio bible; don't know why I never thought to check on there.  I love to listen to the scriptures being read aloud when I'm sick or my heart is hurting or sometimes just as I'm working on something else.)  I've also been reading other things - devotionals, dig deeper scriptures, etc.  Today I came across a Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional.  It's about this woman who in high school someone gave her the nickname "hips" because of her body shape.  That then became a label for how she really saw herself.  She proceeds with how she has given herself many other labels over the years (as have others), some true, some not.  She then goes on to talk about the fact that only in the book of John is John referred to as the disciple whom Jesus loved.  She states that although we have no idea where that label came from, we make the assumption that it probably came out of the sibling-style rivalry of the disciples believing that John was loved more.  But again, that is just conjecture.  She comments that what if he gave himself that title? And also, it doesn't say "the disciple Jesus loved more," just "the disciple Jesus loved". What if we each took on and accepted that title?  How would that change our lives?  How would see ourselves then?  After pondering this for a moment, I realized "that Jesus loved" is not the part I have a hard time with.  I have absolutely NO doubt that Jesus loves me, and not just loves me, but loves me abundantly, overwhelmingly, unconditionally.  I don't completely understand why He would want to many times, but I don't doubt that He does.  I realized I have a problem with "the disciple."  As I sat thinking about how far I am from where I want to be for God and how many times I have failed Him or let Him down, I realized that I find it hard to consider myself a disciple.  He spoke to my heart immediately because as I was thinking that, immediately I heard, "They weren't perfect either.  They made mistakes too."  And then I thought of Peter, poor Peter whose mistakes were made so public.  Or Thomas.  And Judas.  I don't have to be perfect to be a disciple.  I think that's where God is leading me to look now.  It's about love again.  It all comes back to love.  I need to stick with learning to love myself with that 1 Corinthians love.  And I need to love God with it because it never fails, but always perseveres, hopes, trusts.  And in that love I need to believe that I am Michele, the disciple Jesus loves.

Love is...

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about 1 Corinthians 13.  Most people, even non-Christians or church goers have heard the words and think it's "a nice sentiment."  And when we hear sermons or teachings on it, it is used to talk about love with significant others, children, family, even friends and often about God's love for us.  But the thought that came to me in the middle of the night was, " Do we look at this verse in comparison with our love for Him?  For ourselves?"  Haven't we been instructed by Jesus to love our neighbors as ourselves?  (although in my case I've always thought His admonition was commutative and feel Him saying, "Do your show yourself the amount of love you show your neighbor?"  That's another entry altogether!)  This is something I'm going to pray and blog about over the next few days.  Here are the verses I'll be praying upon and considering what He's laid on my heart:

And yet I will show you the most excellent way.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.  But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

New Year New Purpose

I know I created this blog as a book study springboard, but I'm going to continue or start again to post here.  I need a place to put my thoughts and if someone wants to read it, they can, but it keeps me accountable to my purpose which is to share my walk.  So if you read this, I'm happy to have you walking with me.

Proverbs 2:1-11

Proverbs 2:1-11

God's word is as precious as silver; as desirable as hidden treasure.  It is the key to  understanding the fear of the Lord and the map to finding the knowledge of God.  But we have to take part in it to truly get something out of it.  We have to accept the words, store up the commands in not just our heads but our hearts.  We need to apply our hearts to understand and turn our ears to the wisdom, and call out aloud for understanding.  God wants to give us wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.  He holds success in store for those who follow His commands.  He protects and shields those who walk in His path.  He guards the path taken by those who are doing what is right and being fair.  He protects those who are faithful.  By reading, accepting and applying His word to your life, you will understand what is right and just and fair; you will know which is the good path. He will allow, through the Holy Spirit, wisdom to enter your heart; knowledge will be pleasant to you in the depths of your soul.  Discretion will protect you and you will be guarded by understanding.  

I understand the words on this page and in the Bible, but apparently I am doing something wrong.  I do read God's word daily (with occasional lapses) and I ask daily for Him to help me understand what His word has for me.  I ask Him to give me wisdom and discernment and to show me the path He has for me, as well as give me the strength, courage and provision to walk down that path.  However, I feel like I must have the map upside down or something.  I try to follow His commands but always come up short and don't know what I'm doing wrong.  Lately I just feel like I'm just walking in a constant valley of despair in most parts of my life; like there is a gray cloud surrounding me.  I feel as if I know where the light is but it is always out of reach.  I feel like I'm trying to read and follow the map but just keep seeing the same tree.  I've asked which command it is that I'm not following that keeps me from the success He has in store for me, but I don't hear the answer.  I want to clean out the eyes and ears of my heart and I've cried out for help but the still small voice that keeps whispering is not God's because it fills me with doubt and uncertainty and feelings of failure.  I don't know what else to do except keep trying.  God is and has been the only constant in my life, so I will keep asking and keep hoping.