I will give you rest

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

Why is this so hard?  We get busy, life takes roller coaster turns, our plates become filled, and we become so overwhelmed.  Well, I become so overwhelmed.  Maybe this isn't a problem many people suffer from.  However, if this past year at work is any indication, I know I'm not alone.  Truth is, I feel like more and more "overwhelmed" is the response to the question, "how are you?"

Yet, it's so simple.  We have the Prince of Peace, God of all things, the Perfect Provider, the Creator of all heaven and earth offering us rest.  He says it so simply, "Come to me". And He doesn't pull any punches about who He's talking to either.  "All you who are weary (raise hand here) and burdened (raise hand again)."  Most importantly He's offering the very thing we're all searching for: "and I will give you rest...you will find rest for your souls."  Yet we run in circles like hamsters on a wheel until we just can't anymore.  Why?  

For me, I think that I've become so used to the overwhelming, that I'm a little afraid of the peace.  It sounds so ridiculous even coming out of my mouth, that I'm almost embarrassed to put it into print.  I equate it to the story I used to hear as a child about the worn out shoes:

Once upon a time there was a man (I've learned since that it had to be a man because woman are addicted to shoes!).  This man wore the same shoes everyday.  He was proud of their polished appearance, the general look of success and power the style brought him, something he didn't generally see in himself.  When he first got the shoes, they hurt his feet, but once breaking them in the pain subsided some and that showed perseverance and control.  Of course, he continued to wear them because he felt distinguished.  The man wore the shoes for years and years.  The wear and tear on the shoes so extreme that the soles even allowed his feet to touch the concrete as he walked.  However, these were his power shoes and with them on he felt strong. One day, a friend noticed his cracked and bleeding feet and offered him a new pair of shoes, but the man wouldn't take them.  "New shoes hurt.  They never fit quite right," the man said.  His friend replied, "These shoes you're wearing must hurt your feet because they're so worn out.  Why won't you change them?"  His response was simple, "These shoes make me look powerful and I'm used to this feeling."  For the man, the pain he knew was better than the pain he didn't and he thought they made him look like more than he felt he was.

I think, at least for me, my chaos is like the old shoes.  If I go to bed weary, I did something during the day.  If I am overwhelmed than I must have something going on in my life.  I must be someone.  But that is not what God wants of us.  The Christ that faced the anger and futility of a nation and faced death says His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Doesn't even seem possible that those two thoughts could go together.  I can't wrap my mind around it, yet here He is telling me that He can teach me how to live a life like that.  

We know, as believers, that we are going to face trials and challenges.  It's guaranteed in scripture.  We know that life is not going to always go the way we want because we're not God and His ways are not our ways.  But if the Crucified Christ can look to me and say, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light," the least I can do is listen.  Do I believe He is who He says?  Do I believe He can do what He promises?  If so, then it's time to change my shoes.  

Abba, I can be such a stubborn mule, caught in the ruts I've travelled for so long.  You are my God and I love You so.  Help me today to just take a breath and listen to what you are trying to teach me about peace.  As I face any challenges, normal daily annoyances like a busy schedule or big shockers, please teach me and help me find rest for my soul.  You make all things new.  It is not me who makes it through each day, it is You working through me.  Help me never forget that.  You make ALL things possible. So at then end of the day if I feel weary and burdened, help me remember that it is only because I'm fighting You.  Help me let go and give it to You so You can help me learn to share the load and may I always find my rest in You.  Amen.

The whole picture

I woke up this morning and found that my heart was hurting.   Not for me or something going on in my life, but for people I'm praying for.  The man whose wife left him when he didn't see it coming.  The woman whose husband is having an affair.  The friend being pressured by family and friends to end her marriage when she doesn't feel that's what God is calling her to do.  The 4 year old with brain cancer. The woman wondering why her husband doesn't love her anymore.  The person whose husband is facing DUI with the accompaniment of a minor charges.  The many that are waiting to hear on jobs: loss of, new, clearance.  The growing list of people facing financial issues.  The friend who with a few weeks of school left had his financial aid cut down.  The woman losing her mom just a few months after losing her dad.  The woman recovering from open heart surgery whose husband died as she was recovering and now trying to have her heart heal in many ways.  Two families needing to sell their house as soon as possible. The list is over flowing with all the hurt people are facing.  And these are just some of the people on MY prayer list.  Add in all the tragedy in news reports and things in the social media...

I found myself praying this morning feeling abundantly overwhelmed!  I feel so completely inadequate because there is nothing I can do for these people other than pray.  I'm not diminishing prayer - that is a huge and VERY important thing.  However, when seeing so much pain, I just want to do more; something tangible - I want to make it all better.  More over, I find myself questioning why?  Why do we have to go through so much?  Why do those who are faithful face such earthly things?  Why does it seem like even though we pray and pray somethings never change?  Wy does it seem like some people get loaded down with bad things?  My faith is being shaken by so much pain and my lack of understanding.

This morning I went looking for words of hope; words of comfort and peace.  Something tangible I could offer the hurting.  God is so funny sometimes.  I was looking for a scripture or two, but instead everything I looked at went with the theme of my brain.  I found 12 scriptures to bring hope and comfort (see below)!  Then I found an article in my email box "God Cares For You."  Then I open my devotional which was about the fact that God's plan can not be thwarted.  (I love that word: thwarted!). In hunting for comfort and peace for others God reminded me of something He's written on my heart and something He's been teaching me about: the whole picture.  

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul's talking about love.  God has chosen this year to write verse 12 on my heart:  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Yes, I ask why.  Yes, my heart hurts for others.  Yes, I know God's ways are not my ways nor His plans my plans.  Yes, I sometimes wonder why He can't do it the way I see it.  Then He reminds me of this verse.  God has a plan for us and that plan is to prosper us and give us hope.  Now we can only see a reflection.  We see a piece of a puzzle with no directions.  But one day, we will look back and as more pieces are added we will begin to see the picture.  And then one glorious day, when we are celebrating new life with Jesus; celebrating no more pain or suffering, then we will see fully.  The picture will be finished and although we'll see the scars and the pain we suffered, we'll see how they fit into a beautiful picture and story we know as life.  We will praise all of it!

Does this mean it's going to be easy now and I won't question anymore? Of course not!  But it does mean that my patient, gracious God will remind my heart of this truth His taught me.

Thank you, Abba, for being patient with me when I question and lack understanding.  Thank you for having the grace and mercy to remind me over and over and over again.  Thank you most of all for loving me so much that you would write your word on my heart; engraving it there so it, like You, will ever leave me.  Thank you for being Abba, Lord, Father, Creator, Comforter and full of mercy.  Help me to share what you teach me with others. Amen.

Scriptures to find hope and comfort (just a few):

Psalm 46:1, 9:9, 55:22, 22:24, 116:1-2, 30:5, 71:20-21

1 Peter 5:6-7

Jeremiah 29:11

Nahum 1:7

Lamentations 3:31-32, 3:22-23

John 16:22

Sharing - not just good in the sandbox

I've been continuing along with the Experiencing God study. I've had to break it up further than most people. Most days I'm only doing half of a day, not because of time or lack of enthusiasm but because there is so much to think and pray about. I find that God is showing me things that get me off on mental tangents that's I need to process before I can go on. Like today. I've reading 1 Corinthians 12:7-31, where Paul is talking about the body and it's many parts. I was struck by these words, "If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?" (1 Corinthians 12:17-19 NIV). I started thinking about what we say about a person who has a part of their body that does not function; we call them handicapped. We have a special title that acknowledges the weakness of a part not working. But then part of me said that they still function? And Truth began to talk to me about two things.

First of all, when a person has a part of their body that won't work, they do still function...because God gives them the strength. However, one part of you has to over compensate when this occurs. Also, there is a different in functioning and fully functioning. When I have a broken bone I can still function, but I'm slower, more delayed, and often need help to get done everything that needs to be done. Which leads to the next Truth.

If I don't share my life, then I am handicapping myself. For example, a blind person cannot find their way through a new environment without assistance. They have to trust those in their lives (known and unknown) to help them "see" the next step and where it is safe to go. By not sharing my life I am blinding myself willfully; like walking into a room with my eyes closed tightly shut and refusing to accept help. I will stumble and fall and experience needless pain and maybe even get stuck.

This is so hard for me. I'm willing to share my story with anyone with the thought that if part of my story touches or helps them through their struggles than it isn't just for naught. God could use my pain. But the thought that if I share my story and accept the help and comfort people offer me? It feels too much. I am so undeserving of God's mercy. I have failed so many times. He is so gracious just to get me through each day, especially for a stubborn mule like me. More grace than I deserve. I am so focused on being used that I don't allow myself to be served. The thought came into my head that God didn't just create a hand to give, but also to take. Our brains don't just give out thoughts, they take in things and process them. Our legs don't just help us to walk, but also to rest. Our eyes don't just look, they then share what they see with the brain that process and shares the intel with other parts so that FULLY they can function. Does it sometimes fail to work right? Yes. Do we just stop looking? Walking? Giving? No. We persevere.

I need people. I'm actually shaking my head as I say that! I have so forced myself to not accept that Truth that even when I admit it part of me is denying it! Ironically, I can't help but laugh at that, because that is just so me. I've spent so many years trying to do it all on my own that people not only have stopped offering to help, but I'm not sure what help I really need! It's going to take a miracle; a total act of God to help me with this. Like the lame man who when told to stand said, "I've been lame for so long I can't stand. My legs are worthless." I have spent so many years telling others and myself that I don't need anyone...

I don't have any great wisdom today and I don't know what the next step is, but I know that God is hitting me with Truth. I need to pray about this. The I need to look and see where God is working. Watch and listen for what He is telling me and then adjust my life. I feel I need to say that again to solidify it in my head. I need to ADJUST my life to do His will.

Lord, you have shown me Truth today about how I've lived my life. I'm sorry for being a broken body part. I don't know what the next step here is, Lord. I don't know what to do with the knowledge you've given me, nor am I sure that I am ready for this change. But I want to be obedient to You. Prune my heart. Cut back the selfish limbs and the overly independent leaves. I'm afraid to ask that, Lord, I truly am. I know your plan is to prosper me. Help me to accept and adjust. Help me do it now before you feel it necessary to take greater measures to get me to move. Help me be the child that responds from redirection and not the one that needs a good spanking or restriction to finally make a change. Thank you, Abba, for loving me and talking to me. Thank you for opening the eyes and ears of my heart. I will wait on You, Abba, be my guide. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Only one

Wow, today during my bible study time it was war of the worlds!  I felt so convicted and had to keep stopping to pray, yet every time I prayed there was that hated whisper of doubt and lies.  Yet, God is faithful, and although I'm sure I will be tested, I am thrilled at what I heard!  My lesson today was about not just working for God, but working with God.  There is a difference.  I was asked what effect my belief that "we are already experiencing disciplinary judgement like that described in Isaiah 5:1-7" has on the way I live.  I realized that I try so hard to bear good fruit, to be a light, to love, HOWEVER, I do it where I deem it's fit to be done.  To truly bear good fruit to the fullest, I need to see where God is wanting me to bloom and bear.  He can do in a moment what I would take my life trying to do.
In the course of praying about this, God gave me this little jewel of His knowledge:  I often shy away from things because I am only one and I don't really matter.  Jesus was only one and by working with His Father, obeying His Father's will, He saved the whole world - past, present and future.
Now, the "it only takes one" philosophy has taken the world by storm, especially throughout my lifetime and maybe that's why I've been so skeptical about it.  As one, I've joined many a thing and saw now positive responses.  But that's not the key in what God showed me today.  It's not the joining the fight...it's joining His work. There's a difference there.  As I'm typing this, I think about so many "only ones," like Mother Theresa.  She could have joined the opposition and been a part of an army making a difference for her country, but she heard God telling her to love, at a time when she was the only one to love, but he worked through her.  John the Baptist, he could have joined the disciples and followed Jesus, but he instead prepared the way...the only one.
I'm not going to lie, that I'm scared about this knowledge.  He calls me into action knowing I'm only one, but you know what, I've spent years being only one.  The only one parent my children have actively in their lives, the only teacher in the classroom battle every day, but more so, the only one holding myself back from doing what God asks.  I live in fear of being only one, but because of that I have isolated myself to being only one.  I know this is not going to be easy, and I know I'm going to fall and have to get back up, but I have a choice to make.  I've got a crisis of faith and I must choose: truly be God's servant and adjust my life to be about His work or say I'm a servant and only serve in my will.  Yes, it's still serving and some good may come of it, but oh what could happen if I serve with God instead of just serving for God or in His name!

Oh, Abba, my heart and head are so stubborn at times!  Forgive me, please, forgive me.  Lord, I want to be your servant.  I was created for your purpose and to serve with you and to serve you.  Help me, Lord, help me to see where you are at work.  Help me to know how to join you.  Help me to quiet the voices that contradict this plan; the self doubt and the lies.  Help me to adjust my life so I may better do Your will, where you need, in your timing; help me join you in what you are about to do.  Most of all, Abba, thank you for your gift of knowledge.  Help me never forget that although I am only one you are with me and in me.  And Abba, in you ALL things are possible!  Amen

Feeling weak

I've recently begun doing the Experiencing God bible study...again.  This will be the 3rd time, but each time I've done it, I've gotten so much out of it and so much that I didn't catch before.  And it's always so timely.  God's just always amazing like that.  Lately (meaning almost to over a year now) I've been feeling so defeated, so low.  No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get myself back to where I want to be: not financially, not emotionally, not physically, not spiritually.  And no amount of perseverance seems to be helping.  I've wondered if it's time to seek professional help, as the more I can't get out of this funk.  I've spent months crying out to God.  And well, just crying and beating myself up.  "There must be something wrong with me."  "My faith must not be strong enough."  "I must be outside of His plan for me, because I just don't feel Him."  "Why can't He answer my cry?  Show me what to do?"  "Why does it feel that the more I ask for help, the quieter it gets from Him?"  "Why does satan keep whispering lies even when I pray?  I feel like I say, 'Get Behind me!' everyday."  I've reached a point that although I know God can use me, maybe He's just decided not to anymore because I'm so blech.  (very technical term for how I'm feeling)  :)

It's not that at any point I've thought God has left me or that He isn't there.  I know He is.  I see it everyday.  I can still find blessings.  But I just feel unusable.  Then today, He sent me a line to remind me.

"If you feel weak, limited, or ordinary, you are the best material through which God works." (Blackaby; Experiencing God p. 28)

Lord, you know how weak I feel.  I feel most of the time that I can't even hold up my head anymore.  Limited is an understatement and I am less than ordinary.  But according to You, that makes me the best material through which You work.  You didn't use Moses or Gideon or Ruth or even Mary during times when they felt on top of the world.  You used them when they felt like they couldn't go on.  The sadness, the embarrassment, life had just gotten to be too much for them.  So I walk in faith today, Abba.  I pray that you are bringing me to where you need to be able to use me.  Use me, Lord, as You will, but please never leave my side, nor take Your strength.  I don't live in my own, Lord.  I don't have any of my own.  Lord, when I look at my life I don't see any way any part of it can work out in a positive way, but yet at the end of each day, You have gotten me through.  I know that it's Your strength, Abba, it has to be.  Thank you for hearing my cry.  Thank you for whatever it is You have planned.  Thank you for what you are doing in my life.  May it bring honor, glory and praise to you and may I experience You on the way.  Amen.

Labels

I've been continuing to pray on and listen to 1 Corinthians 13.  I even bookmarked a reading of it I found on YouTube.  (I can't afford an audio bible; don't know why I never thought to check on there.  I love to listen to the scriptures being read aloud when I'm sick or my heart is hurting or sometimes just as I'm working on something else.)  I've also been reading other things - devotionals, dig deeper scriptures, etc.  Today I came across a Proverbs 31 Ministries devotional.  It's about this woman who in high school someone gave her the nickname "hips" because of her body shape.  That then became a label for how she really saw herself.  She proceeds with how she has given herself many other labels over the years (as have others), some true, some not.  She then goes on to talk about the fact that only in the book of John is John referred to as the disciple whom Jesus loved.  She states that although we have no idea where that label came from, we make the assumption that it probably came out of the sibling-style rivalry of the disciples believing that John was loved more.  But again, that is just conjecture.  She comments that what if he gave himself that title? And also, it doesn't say "the disciple Jesus loved more," just "the disciple Jesus loved". What if we each took on and accepted that title?  How would that change our lives?  How would see ourselves then?  After pondering this for a moment, I realized "that Jesus loved" is not the part I have a hard time with.  I have absolutely NO doubt that Jesus loves me, and not just loves me, but loves me abundantly, overwhelmingly, unconditionally.  I don't completely understand why He would want to many times, but I don't doubt that He does.  I realized I have a problem with "the disciple."  As I sat thinking about how far I am from where I want to be for God and how many times I have failed Him or let Him down, I realized that I find it hard to consider myself a disciple.  He spoke to my heart immediately because as I was thinking that, immediately I heard, "They weren't perfect either.  They made mistakes too."  And then I thought of Peter, poor Peter whose mistakes were made so public.  Or Thomas.  And Judas.  I don't have to be perfect to be a disciple.  I think that's where God is leading me to look now.  It's about love again.  It all comes back to love.  I need to stick with learning to love myself with that 1 Corinthians love.  And I need to love God with it because it never fails, but always perseveres, hopes, trusts.  And in that love I need to believe that I am Michele, the disciple Jesus loves.

Love is...

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about 1 Corinthians 13.  Most people, even non-Christians or church goers have heard the words and think it's "a nice sentiment."  And when we hear sermons or teachings on it, it is used to talk about love with significant others, children, family, even friends and often about God's love for us.  But the thought that came to me in the middle of the night was, " Do we look at this verse in comparison with our love for Him?  For ourselves?"  Haven't we been instructed by Jesus to love our neighbors as ourselves?  (although in my case I've always thought His admonition was commutative and feel Him saying, "Do your show yourself the amount of love you show your neighbor?"  That's another entry altogether!)  This is something I'm going to pray and blog about over the next few days.  Here are the verses I'll be praying upon and considering what He's laid on my heart:

And yet I will show you the most excellent way.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.  But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.