Expecting

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8 NIV)

I was reading my "Countdown to Christmas" advent devotional this morning and found myself suddenly at war within myself.  Today's portion was about Elizabeth and Zacharias.  Having waited and prayed for years, they were getting what their hearts truly desired, a baby.  But it seemed so impossible that when told, Zacharias could hardly believe it was truth.  Yet as impossible as it seemed, he and Elizabeth had never stopped praying for it and about it.  The admonition in this devotional is to follow their example and continuously pray with expectation and hope.

Here is where the war within me began, and this is how I expressed my dilemma in my time with God this morning:

My children know they can ask me anything.  Whether for help, for information, for some thing that they need/want....they know they can ask.  They also know that I may not provide what they request.  Sometimes because I can't and sometimes because I don't think it's what best, or at least not at that time.  But sometimes I get frustrated that they even would ask.

I often use the mental connection (or maybe comparison) of my parenting to help me understand things within God's parenting.  So in this instance, I don't want to ask for too much because I know that frustration I feel and that desire sometimes for the question to not be asked, especially when it is undeserving or when it is too much or the timing is wrong or I don't have the answers.

For example, I want to be in full health, especially in my abdomen, BUT God has helped me withstand the rough days and make it through; I am pretty healthy and have been for 42 years; it is partially a vanity issues; and I caused part of the problem so I feel undeserving of the healing.  

Or, I want my children to grow up to be loving, faithful, and independent servants of God, BUT I want them to always live near home and to need me and want me in their lives.  

Or my favorite, I want a significant other to spend my life with, BUT I feel unworthy, unwanted, unattractive, and undeserving because of my past; my desires are so ridiculous in this area I can't even put them in print; and I want my time alone too.  

How can I pray with expectation when I am so undeserving?  How can I expect so much when I have been unfaithful with so little?  How can I ask for more when He has blessed me so abundantly?  Shouldn't I just be content with what I have???

As I was reading this morning, I came to this portion, "After all of the years of waiting and praying and believing, heaven’s intervention was about to be experienced in the life and marriage of Elizabeth and Zacharias. Could it be true? Was it even possible after decades of marriage to conceive and bear a son? Would Elizabeth’s elderly frame be able to withstand 9 months of pregnancy and then the pain of giving birth? God, are You really this good?!" (Youversion devotional plan JOY! To Your World! A Countdown to Christmas Day 2). I had to giggle because this is so me!  For example, I want abdominal healing and the doctor has ordered a colonoscopy to help him determine if the diagnosis is correct.  But he only does them on Tuesdays, which means taking a day off work (especially a Tuesday - the one day we're told NOT to make appointments for).  What if I'm too sick to go to work the next day?  What if my system can't handle the prep?  What if it lasts weeks like last time?  What if they find something?  What if they don't?  I prayed expectantly for years for help.  And help He has. In all things, I know God has a plan in all of this.  Yet when I get to the point of finding answers, my fear conquers my faith.  I spend so much time praying Mark 9:24. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”  I love the line in this morning's devotional text, "God, are You really this good?!"  

And as I'm writing this entry, I find myself giggling about it too.  I reread what I wrote.  The questions from my kids bring on a worldly guilt that I can't provide.  When I can't provide, maybe that too is part of a lesson.  My kids have learned to be successful with a little, so maybe that was lesson we were to learn.  But there is nothing out of God's control.   His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I can pray with expectation of an answer, but I need to pray without expectations on the answer.  I have hope.  He is my hope.  Now I have to practice letting go and letting God handle it all.   I love that my kids can come to me for/about anything.   As much as I say I get frustrated at time, it hurts my feelings when they go to someone else or hold it inside.  God wants us to come to Him with ALL of our questions, requests, concerns.  When we don't, it puts a brick between us.  Each brick is a piece of a wall that can separate us.  No, He may not always say yes, nor give us what we want or even answer every time, but that doesn't mean He doesn't care.  I can and will pray with expectation.  And I will work on, with his help, dropping my expectations on the answer and just trusting Him to know what's best.  God is in control and He knows the plan He has for me, to prosper me and to give me hope and a future...always.

Plans (part 2)

Difficulty praying for myself; we talked about how difficult that is for me and I came up with 2 reasons why:

#1  I don't feel worthy of anything

#2  the day is going to come (again) when His plan is different from mine

God has a plan for each of us.   We are told that this plan is to prosper us and not to harm us.  It is a plan to give us hope and a future.  We are also told that God's ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.  We are told that He has numbered our days before we were even in our mother's womb.  He knows the plans He has for us.  However, He also gave us free will.  So His plans don't always take the path from point A to point B that He designed because we choose to chase after the things that distract us.  This not only blows us off course, but can also blow others off course in the process (the ripple or domino effect).  In that same format, the choices of others can blow us off course as well.  God, with His infinite grace and mercy, can make good come from those detours, but life would be so much simpler if we just followed His plan.  

I often say I wish He'd give me a set of directions so I could follow the path; neon signs showing which way.  But there are 3 problems with this thought:

1) I can't handle all the info.  Let's be real.  If we could see the whole path and the things we might face along the way, we'd try to change it.  It is not always a smooth, easy or fun path.  We, as humans, would not willingly put ourselves through some of the trials required to mold and shape us.  Even seeing the end result, we often might choose to try and find a shortcut to the end if we knew the terrain along the way.  We're not ready for all of that knowledge.

2) I am human.  I am easily distracted.  You know that joke that's interrupted by yelling "squirrel"?  That's me on a daily basis.  I have the bad habit of chasing things.  Sometimes it's in an effort to help someone else, sometimes it's just my self absorbed human nature, but either way, I get off the path.  Sometimes it takes quite a while to get back on.

3) This is the most important reason.  If God gave us a set of directions for the whole path, we might (or more likely- would, probably) stop turning to Him.  When we have a set of directions in our hand, we tend to think we have everything we need and we become so obsessed with completing the job at hand that we forget or lose the focus of communicating with others.  God knows our frailty.  He knows how focused and determined we can be.  But He loves us so abundantly and wants a relationship with us, so He keeps us coming back for more info.  

Those failures I mentioned, many are because my plans don't match God's.  Or because others visions of the path or plan for us don't match God's.  When this happens, we judge.  We condemn. We discourage rather than encourage.  We cause a feeling of failure.  We think we are sharing wisdom, but wisdom doesn't come from us.  Wisdom comes from God.  God's thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways, but God has a plan.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV)

We need to trust in God's plan.  We need to ask for His wisdom and guidance.  We need to call on Him and come and pray to Him.  He will listen to us.  If we seek Him with all our heart, we will find Him.  And He will bring us back from captivity.  If our prayers and plans do not align with His, then He will bring us back.  But we must trust Him.  We must talk with Him.  We must share our thoughts so He can share His thoughts.  That means asking, even when we feel like we're not worthy.  Even if our faith is as small as a mustard seed, He can move mountains with us.  And He will help us in our moments of unbelief.  We must persevere.  For me that perseverance comes in getting up and trying again, no matter how the world makes me feel.  Because God has a plan.  And in His overwhelming and abundant love for me, His plan is to prosper me; to give me a continued hope and a future.  Now I need to just to get my plan out of the way and live for His plan...whatever it may be!

Plans (part 1)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

For He knows the plans He has for me.

I pray this A LOT.  Especially when things seem chaotic or messy or out of control, or when I begin to feel depression set in or a sense of hopelessness.  Maybe more than a prayer, it's a reminder to myself: 

Michele, He is God, creator of the ALL things.  He knows the plans He has for you and they are plans to prosper you; to give you a hope and a future.  Now stop being stupid and just trust Him.  (The latter part often added from me.)

Sometimes when I pray, I find that I am so frustrated with myself.  I feel like my faith, when it comes to me, is weak.  When praying for others, my faith is so strong.  I love to pray for others.  To thank God for the blessing others are and to intercede on their behalf.  I love how when I pray, scripture just flows through me without even realizing it.  I love knowing that nothing is too small or too big for God and that He loves each person I pray for so very much; more than any human could.  I love knowing God has a plan for them and I can't wait to see what He accomplishes and how He blesses them and in turn me by the privilege of praying and the honor of watching it unfold.

Praying for myself is totally different story.  I struggle in this area.  Oh, there is the quick fix prayer: the- "Lord, please help me get through this.  You have given me this opportunity, now please help me get it done."  -kind of stuff.  But even in this, there is still a hint of panic.  What is it?  He's proven time and again that He is there.  He has saved me from myself and from so many things over the past 42 years. He has shown me peace, strength, courage and even joy in the toughest times of my life.  So why is it so hard???

I've come to two conclusions (nothing new, but refreshed in my head):  

#1  I don't feel worthy of anything

#2  the day is going to come (again) when His plan is different from mine

#1 is an easy fact to admit.  Most people roll their eyes or scoff when I honestly admit it.  I wish they could see the inside of me and how that reaction just adds to this feeling.  I wish they could know that the reason I so quickly admit to it, is because to hide it (which I sometimes do) is to give it power.  If I say the words, it's like I'm not allowing it to fester or grow like a mold in the dark corners of my heart or head.  I put it out in the light hoping it will not grow into something more.  

I live my life with a mask on.  Everyday I attempt to get up and put on a smile and walk out into the world acting like I can do this.  However, inside I feel like such a failure.  I truly feel worthless.  I try to put it in perspective, but it doesn't always work.

I am not the person, nor am I living the life my parents wanted.  So I have been a failure as a daughter.  I know that I am loved.  I know that it's not done to intentionally hurt me.  However, I have felt inadequate my whole life.  Everything I do seems to cause worry, anxiety, distress, or anger.  I hardly ever do anything right.  And there's the constant double checking or correction of everything I do.  I've seen the pattern in the generation before and the hurt and frustration it has caused.  I know it hasn't been done on purpose.  I know that every word is meant from a good place; from a place of constructive criticism and a desire to be/do better next time.  It's a pattern I often fight very hard to break (and sometimes I lose).  I find it easier to hide away; to stay quiet; to think the thought as I ask God for His patience, wisdom and guidance.

 

My marriage fell apart, so I failed as a wife.  I say that God saved me because I never would have left and he was not a nice man.  He did his best to break me inside and out.  Most say we were young and naive.  We were young and naive, but I also believe in God and in the vows I made.  I made a choice to say I do that day and no matter what the reason, I made that commitment.  As a woman of faith I should have been able to save that marriage; to withstand the fire involved.  Instead, I stood in awe as he walked away.

I can't financially provide for my family, so I've failed as a provider.  My kids have never had to go hungry.  They've always had clean clothes and ones that fit to wear.  Their medical needs taken care of.  Their educational/extracurricular needs provided.  But to do it I've had to beg for help from others, make excuses why I didn't care for myself, and even lost our house.  At times it has left me feeling angry, selfish, jealous, depressed.  All of which I have to keep to myself, handle myself, and try to overcome myself.  I have to make excuses to do something fun, because I know I can't afford it.  I take on extra jobs at school and elsewhere to provide a week of summer vacation and then work the rest of summer just to try to tread water until school starts.  Which leads to my next failure.

I am so busy and so tired all the time.  I'm a single mom with 3 kids ranging from 9-23.  One of my children has had trouble with the law.  One of my children has relationship issues.  One of my children has suffered PTSD due to a horrific incident with a classmate.  One of my children drinks too much.  One of my children is filled with hate for a family member.  One of my children lives a life I don't understand.  One of my children is overly anxious about everything.  One of my children is so intelligent, beautiful and gifted yet can't see that so they're settling.  All of my children have or had medical issues.  All of my children have learned to live life with mom as a work-a-holic.  I've failed as a mother (and have been so lucky to have plenty of people tell me).  I failed them double because they've all grown up without a father (another thing people like to point out).  Back to the first failure and the next failure.  (See the vicious cycle?)

Then there's me as a woman.  I'm that girl that guys love to talk to....about other women, or sports, or their kid/, or their problems.  Even out on the town, I feel like there's a sign over my head that says: good listener or seek advice here.  With two groups I went out with a few times, it actually became a game or a joke on Girls' Night Out to see who gets the first bite; the married women or me.  None on my girlfriends have problems with me hanging out with their husbands because I'm "not a threat."  I used to take it as a compliment, thinking that it was because of my moral standards or that they knew I'd never betray someone like that, until one told me, "you're not the kind of girl guys would have an affair with."  What is that supposed to mean?!?  (And why am I offended by it?!?)  

In the last 10 years, I've been asked out twice: one was an old friend who tried to get me to lower my defenses.  I really thought he cared and that maybe...but knowing my past better than anyone I only found out through social media he was also seeing someone else. The other stood me up...each time he set up a new date.  I guess I could say three if I counted the guy that asked a friend to ask a friend to ask a co-worker if I would be interested in dinner.  The co-worker had to explain what happened twice.  The tangled path too long for my mind.  

As for the reasons guys don't want to go out with me?  From polling guy friends they range from: too intimidating because I'm so independent (I don't want to be - what choice do I have??), too low maintenance (and that's a bad thing?), too sweet (if only they could read my mind!), and I'm the marrying kind (how do you get married when you haven't had a relationship in 20 years and a date in almost as long?!?).  I did get one useful answer: too insecure.  He's right.  I am insecure.  How could one not be after everything I've been through?  It's not that I want things like this.  I want to be loved, cherished, held, comforted, adored.  I want someone who will love and understand me for me.  Someone who can be mature and responsible one moment and get swept up in a food fight the next.  Someone who loves so completely that I feel beautiful inside and out when we're together.  Someone to slow dance with, snuggle on a cold night, sway together as music plays, kiss under the mistletoe, lean on in the rough times, fight and make up with, but also pray with, praise with and serve with.  I might think they were unrealistic expectations if I didn't see it all around me.  So it's just unrealistic for me, I guess.  Failure.

Which brings me to my final failure.  My failure as a Christian.  God has never left me, nor forsaken me. In fact, I have abundant blessings.  I wake up each day.  I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.  We may be living in VERY tight quarters, but unlike millions in the world, we're living in a safe, warm home.  There is food available to feed my children.  My middle child is going to their dream school (go Penn State) and the oldest has had their chance to pursue higher education.  My youngest sees amazing doctors who have helped us to try to get everything he needs and keep him on a path of as much health as is possible.   I not only have a job, but one that has benefits and also keeps me involved in the community.  We belong to a church that fills my kids' lives with more surrogate grandparents than anyone could know what to do with.  I've experienced Hos saving grace over and over.  I've seen His provision, His healing, His grace and daily His mercy.  So why is my faith so small when it comes to my prayers for myself?  Why am I "oh ye of little faith?"

The world tells me I'm not worth it.  God's word tells me I am a rose of Sharon (Song of Solomon 2:1). The world makes me feel alone and on my own.  God's word says He'll never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). The world says I am a failure.  God's word says I am good (Genesis 1:31). So each morning I get up and put on a smile and walk out into the world acting like I can do this.  Perseverance.  "And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus." (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

Surprise!

“At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ “ ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’ “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour. (Matthew 25:1-13 NIV)

Surprise!  People view that word in different ways.  Some people hear it and think of surprise parties or special treats or Christmas morning.  But there are other surprises, too.  Here are some surprises I know people have experienced lately: Walking out to the car to find you can't go anywhere because it won't work.  Having your weekly groceries rung up only to realize that you left your wallet at home.  Walking into work to find in completely flooded and your things ruined.  A shadow on that routine and annoying mammogram that led to the removal of a tumor.  Walking into a child's room to find that they passed away in their sleep.  An FHP phone call that there's been an accident and a loved one didn't survive.

Jesus' parable this morning is very clear.  Life is full of surprises, including when He will come for us.  The hardest part about surprises is that you are not prepared for them.  There are jokes about always being prepared: Always being sure you have on clean underwear when getting into a car.  Never leaving the house without make-up on.  But I think Jesus' is very clear:  always be alert and ready for my return.  You do not know the hour or the day, but you do know I am coming and what my expectations are.  

You're in a bind and have to take the bus.  You walk to the bus stop, but don't have the schedule.  Do you take a nap, or watch for the bus?  Do you wait until the bus is coming to check to see if you have the fare, or do you make sure before the bus arrives?  For some of us, this example is a stretch.  In this day of cellphones and social media, it's more likely that you'd phone a friend or put the request for a ride of Facebook.  And well, really, if you have that technology you could look up the bus schedule.  Okay, okay.  I've thought of another one.  

There's going to be a new baby in the family.  Does Mom wait until she goes into labor to pick a hospital, find a doctor, or even prepare a bag?  No, planning occurs for months in advance!  And EVERYONE gets in on it!  Just check out the nursery....crib, rocker, changing table, toys, books, diapers, wipes, bottles, and of course a closet full of the most adorable clothes you can imagine.  There's a route planned out, usually preregistration done, the phone tree created, car seat installed and even alternative plans "just in case."  Why do we plan so far in advance?  Because you never know what's going to happen and you don't want to be unprepared.  You want to be able to focus on the glorious event.

So why are we reticent in preparing for Christ to come?  We often take the Scarlet O'Hara attitude, "I'll think about that tomorrow."  But what if tomorrow never comes?  I love the words of Garth Brooks' song by that name:

If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her?  Did I try in every way, to show her every day, that she's my only one?  And if my time on earth were through and she must face this world without me, is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enought to last, if tomorrow never comes?

Everytime I hear it, I wonder if all those around me know what they mean to me.  I try very hard to make sure I tell them.  I'm very intentional with my love, as well as with my gratitude, my respect, my encouragement, my prayers. But this is about more that that.  

Am I prepared?  Not just do I have a will, although that is important.  Or did I plan my funeral, which is important, too.  These are not the preparations I was thinking of.  Is my heart prepared?  Do I know who Jesus is?  Have I declared who I belong to?  Have I lived my life in a way that I can and am willing to stand behind when I stand face to face with the Judge?  Or will I be too busy making excuses?  Does Light shine through?  Do I live my life serving others or do I live my life for my interests?  What and where are my treasures?  What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?   Will I have made a difference for the sake of eternity?  Has someone seen Him in me?  Did I plant seeds?  Did I live love?  Does He know how much I love Him?  Will I be ready or out searching for that one last thing?

Even as I am typing, I know that I have changes that need to be made.  Today is the day to start making those changes.  Because surprises in life happen and I don't want to be caught unprepared.  I'm going to start by praying for and thanking for all those reading this because YOU ARE LOVED!

And we are filled with joy

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Psalm 126:3 NIV)

Yesterday was one of those days.  We all have them.  I woke up in the morning and my heart was heavy.  While praying for a family who was saying goodbye to a loved one, a family member was laid on my heart.  After praying & praising for her, I prayed for my daughter who had called the night before to discuss a decision she's struggling with.  I sat thinking how grateful I am to be able to pray for others.  How I love that, thanks to technology, I can pray with them even when we're far apart.  And then POW!  

It hit me; like a brick weight I felt overcome with darkness.  Maybe depression?  Dissatisfaction with myself set in so that every move I made, every time I glanced in the mirror, every word I said was wrong.  It was not just about feeling fat or ugly or mean or impatient either.  I literally felt like I didn't fit in my own skin.  Inadequate and unimportant to my very core.  And of course then my thoughts ran away from me and tomorrow's concerns became today's and what about next week, next month, next year?

I knew right away this wasn't God.  I knew that this was the temptation of the devil.  I knew that this was his way.  To whisper all the lies that discourage us from standing tall....sometimes even from standing.  He tries it often, but usually I can find comfort in the Word.  I have an arsenal of scriptures I use on a daily basis to fight his lies.  Every once in a while though... Every once in while it just feels too much.  I just feel too tired.  He just brings too much too fast and I struggle.  And i know the dangers of where it can lead.  I've unfortunately experienced first hand how weak I can be.  I admitted my struggle to a friend I text each morning, but the answers fell flat on my heart and I didn't want her to know how deep it really was.  Mostly because there was nothing in particular causing this breakdown.  I felt like an idiot for even feeling this way, but that just weakened me more.  I posted on social media about missing my daddy and his hugs.  I think I thought that memory would bring me strength, but it didn't.  I quickly sent off an email to a prayer partner, just asking her to say an extra prayer for me.  And then I fell into the sobs that racked my body for the next 15 minutes or so.  

The rest of the morning was quiet.  Several things went wrong - stupid little things - but my son knew that this was time to stay quiet and be still.  (Not an easy task for him.)  I used the quiet time to try to secure my mask for the day, but it didn't feel like it was fitting right.  I knew if I could just get moving in my routine, it would slide back into place, or at least I hoped it would.  I'm an expert at wearing a mask.  Mottos like "fake it till you make it," and "smile so hard that even you believe it," were staples in my life. "Whistle a happy tune" from the King and I could be the backdrop of my life.  (Listen to it)  Most of the time it isn't very hard, and usually it doesn't take much for me to return to feeling blessed beyond measure.  In fact, the groaning and grumbling of those around me are usually a great help to snap me out of it.  While they talk I can see the blessings in their situations, which then helps me see how blessed I am too and darkness turns to light.  But sometimes, it just sinks me lower.  This was one of those days that I was fighting hard.  Eventually my mask fell into place, but I was just unsettled all day.  

After school, I went to the reception my friend and her family were having after the funeral.  At one point I sat there watching this eclectic group of people talk, the younger kids dancing and playing, the older kids chatting and I was thinking how much my friend's mom would have loved this.  And suddenly the cloud of darkness started lifting.  There was the very young (younger than me) grandmother with her daughter and new grandson that the mom introduced as a very unexpected joy.  There was the group of friends hovering in the kitchen refilling plates and washes dishes.  There was the husband who works overseas with his stepdaughter who is wheelchair bound talking to a teacher from our school while watching the young girl enjoy the twizzlers I brought.  (Her face brings me such joy when she sees twizzlers!)  There was the inventory of animals on the premises and the discussion of whether the bears and foxes counted.  There was laughter, and some tears, but overall, there was just such a feeling of warmth and friendship in every corner.  As I sat and looked at the faces of these people, I kept thinking how amazing it is the way everyone pulled together for this family.  And we always do.  As I was texting someone on the way home (I was using my designated texter...my son), I took the time to tell her how grateful I was for having her in my life.  And I realized I was filled with joy.  

In the book of John it says:  "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5 NIV). I am so grateful for all the things God does for me; all the things He opens my eyes to.  Will there be darkness again?  Of course.  Will there be moments that I feel overwhelmed?  Yes.  Will there be moments I feel too weak to stand?  Absolutely.  Will my God be with me?  You can bet on it.  And days like today are reminders that He hears my cry.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  For weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

And as the slide show fades, I am reminded: life is good today!

Little faith? Help me in my unbelief!

I have been reading Job for the past few days.  My cousin suddenly had a series of horrible things occur around her life: a friend's child died suddenly, her aging grandmother fell in the middle of the night breaking her hip, and she got a report from the doctor that there was problem with her mammogram.  All in a series of hours this occurred.  She was handling it all with such outward grace and faith and it made me think of Job.  As the days from this passed it seemed like she couldn't get a breath of fresh air without another piece of news.  My heart truly felt overwhelmed for her and I found I was praying constantly.  As things occurred in "my world" during this time, I just kept thinking I don't know how she is doing it.  I prayed for wisdom, discernment, healing, peace, comfort, and so much more for her, but mostly I thanked God for her faith, and for showing her blessings even in this troubled time.  I asked God to strengthen her as well because I know sometimes my outsides don't match my insides.  I hate when people commend my faith when inside I am wrestling with Him.  I tried to encourage her that if she was feeling this, it would be okay.  I think, more than anything, I wanted her to admit she was so I wouldn't feel so alone and inept.

Our faith can be in Him and we can still struggle with the events surrounding us.  I know the plans He has for me are to bring me hope and a future.  And I know that He can work ALL things for good.  I know with and in Christ ANYTHING is possible.  I do believe!  However, like the centurion in Mark 9:24, sometimes I need help with my moments of unbelief.  I don't think that this unbelief is necessarily in God.  We believe in God, but sometimes the events in our life are unbelievable.  Kind of an "I can't believe this is happening right now" moment.  In my head, my heart and the depths of my soul, I know that God is with me; that He loves me and will never forsake me.  But I sometimes become overwhelmed for a moment and feel like I'm watching from the outside...like it can't be my life.  These are the moments of unbelief I need help with.  And God, true to His word, never leaves me nor forsakes me and helps me find my way back to that strength of faith He has so blessed my life with.  There are moments when I like Peter, start to walk on water, but begin to sink as my focus moves from God to me and my faith falters.  And just like with Peter, Christ pulls me up and saves me - the one with little faith.  

This morning, as I was reading in Job, I found this segment:

"When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine."  (Job 7:13-15 NIV)

In the story, Job is talking to God here.  I found this interesting, not because I have had this conversation with God, but just the opposite.  I have prayed this to God in reference to the devil.  I don't think that God frightens me with my dreams or terrifies me with visions.  I believe that the devil uses these tools, or in his case toys, to try to tempt me away from God.  To place so extreme a fear in me that I question God's plan.  To place a barrier between us.  This morning is a perfect example.  I awoke to my daughter not being home.  Of course I felt angry because she promised she would be as I asked for a favor today.  But more than that, my mind instantly went to a morning 4 years ago.  A morning where her not being home led to a family emergency.  When I looked into her bedroom, my head was immediately filled with the vision of that day.  That day took me down into a dark valley that I am still trying completely climb out of.  God did not place this vision in me, the evil one did.  He wants me to live in fear, terrified to make a move.  But God did not give me a spirit of fear.  He gave me a spirit of power, love and self discipline.  Immediately, I praised God for giving me my daughter.  I thanked Him for loving her even more than I do and for knowing the plans He has for her.  I thanked Him for partnering with me to raise her, so that I wasn't alone.  Then I asked Him to help me in my unbelief.  To deliver me from that vision and the pain and anger that comes with it.  My daughter is on a path right now I don't understand.  And my vision is very limited as I only see one part, and that part hurts my heart.  But God knows and sees fully.  He understands.  He can work all things, even these moments, for good.  He can use her according to the purpose He has for her.  He loves her with an everlasting love.  I am of little faith, but faith even as small as a mustard seed can take root and move mountains.  Sometimes we fake it in the outside until our insides catch up.  But God will help us in our unbelief and oh, the peace He brings!

Thank you, God, for knowing the plans you have for us.  And for your love, your strength, your faith, and your peace.  May you use us to build your kingdom.  Amen.

Heavy heart

Lord, my heart is heavy as I think of all those in my life that are walking through valleys or struggling right now.  Please watch over them and hold them close.  Open their eyes to see the blessings even as they walk through the darkness.  Help them remember that you can work ALL things - even our darkest desert valley moments - for good.  You know the plans you have for us...to give us hope and a future in you.  And ALL things are possible for you.  Help us in our moments of unbelief.  I don't understand, Lord, and my mind and heart are filled with questions.  Why this one?  Why now?  Why so much?  Why so many?  How?  What for?  But what about?  But as filled with questions as I am - and I will ask again, Abba - I also know you and trust you and my hope is in you.  We wait on you, Lord.  In your word I put my hope, for me and for those I lift up to you now...and I am hopeful forever.  Right now we see in part, just one piece of the puzzle of life.  But one day, we will see fully as you fully see.  Until then, we wait on you, Lord.  Let our hearts take courage and may we be blessed with your peace.  Amen.