When the Mission Seems Impossible

Today I started a new devotional.  It started with Acts 1:1-8.  Then it asked the following questions: 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by something you know God has called you to do? Do you follow through in obedience? What was the ultimate result?

I think that more often I feel overwhelmed because I feel unsure of what God has asked or wants me to do.  I wish He spoke with neon lights or little notes left on my pillow or a text or email clearly defining the plan would be great.  But there definitely have been a few times that I definitively knew what He was calling me to and didn't always love the idea or lack of agreement or assuredness we shared.  I do try to follow through in obedience, but often need a lot of reminding and a lot of encouragement that "This is God's plan for me."  I even often need a lot of second chances to veer back to the path after chasing a squirrel.  I am apparently a very slow learner.  

One case in particular that immediately comes to mind is with my job.  2 summers ago I felt it was time to leave teaching.  I was stressed out, burnt out, bummed out and just about every other negative term you can think of. It hadn't been a horrible year.  I had looped with my class and I loved them and their parents, but I was just done with all that teaching entails, especially the little things the outside world just doesn't see or realize they put on us.  I had been asked to consider a position outside the classroom.  After praying about, I felt so convicted that God was telling me my time in the classroom wasn't done.  But what if this other position gave me more freedom?  What if it would require me to spend less?  What if it would take away the added stress of lesson plans, testing, conferencing with parents?  What if I got to travel?  What if? What it? What if?  I have very few times that I ever felt God so clearly give me a direction.  "I am NOT done with you here yet.  You have more work to do."  So, I stayed.  I thanked the person with the offer but just felt that now was not the time.  I knew I had to stay, but wondered how much I was going to regret it.  I felt like I did as a child being told I couldn't go to the birthday party because of other plans, but I just knew that it was going to be better than what I had. 

The last 2 years have been....WOW!  The first year was very challenging, but at the end of the year, I knew exactly why I had been called to stay.  It wasn't easy, but I saw the why. Last summer I considered it again and after talking and praying with my closest friend, we agreed God wanted me in the classroom.  This year has been amazing.  I have had the opportunity to work with a hearing impaired child that has stretched my teaching to new limits. I have been invigorated and refreshed.  I have a class of such darlings that in December I started getting teary when people mentioned the end of the year.  I was chosen our school's teacher of the year, an honor that has filled my heart with such encouragement through comments of my peers and our parents that I can't express the joy adequately.  And that has also caused me to be reflective; I have had the chance to see how much I have learned and grown through my boss and coworkers.  I also have seen such heartache in others that I have been driven to not wait until tomorrow to let others know how much I appreciate them or the things they do.  My heart has grown.  

Has it been easy?  No!  Has it been smooth and stress free?  Absolutely not!  Has it been all roses and blessings?  No way!  Has it been worth it?  Definitely!  I am grateful for the blessings.  I am grateful for the lessons (even if some came through really hard times).  I am grateful for the relationships.  I am grateful for the way He has shown me His will and my purpose in it.  Most of all, I am grateful for His love and His plan for me even when it's not what I want or think is best.  I am so grateful that He knows that plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  I am so grateful that He can use even someone like me and I can't wait to see what He has for me in the future!!!

What a way to start the day!

Every morning I wake up and before I even get out of bed, I begin to pray.  Sometimes my mind is muddled and foggy when I start so I always start by thank God for this day.  "Lord, I know not what this day brings forth, but you do.  Whatever it is be with me.  If I am to stand, help me stand wisely. If I am to sit, help me sit quietly.  If I am to lay, help me lay patiently.  Let me rest in You in all I do."  It's a hodge podge of prayers I've learned over the years.  Most from the Book of Common Prayer.  By the time I finish that rote start, my mind has cleared and I begin to pray for those around me and with more specifics.  Some days as I pray, my mind is distracted and no matter how hard I claim peace and focus, it's a struggle.  Other days I have so much on my heart to lift up, I feel almost desperate as I pray.  

Today was one of those latter days.  A parishioner from church needs a heart transplant desperately.  A blog I stumbled across a few years ago is written by the mother of a little girl who is losing a desperate fight with brain cancer.  Another parishioner from church is starting to feel better from an accident she was in; healing we' e been praying for.  A friend is leaving a bad work situation hoping to find God's plan for her future.  Another friend is feeling overwhelmed with life filled with change and choices and unknowns.  My children are facing life choices and struggling to make the right ones.  I find myself desperate in prayer that God will lead them.  That He will become so real to them that they know without doubt He has the answers for all our questions and will trust in Him to lead them.  He knows the plans He has for them.  He created them in their inmost being.  They are wonderfully made and He can and will work all things for good in their lives if they trust in Him.  And I pray for me.  I'm facing some issues that I pray may just be exacerbated by the stress of the often selfish world.  I often have moments where I just feel broken, exhausted, inundated, and lonely.  Yet I'm filled with awe and praise.  I am overwhelmed by the things I see everyday that show God's provision and blessing even in the worst of times, the unsure times, the invisible times, the sick times.  

So, as always, I prayed and I praised.  When I felt at a point to move on with my morning (because I am never done praying), I opened my digital bible to read today's verse in the plan I am working on:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24 NIV)

There is nothing that fills my heart with more joy than knowing God is there, is listening, and cares.  I don't believe in consequences.  I believe with all my heart He has a plan for me.  I could have read that scripture yesterday, when I was struggling with distraction and weakness and feeling under the weather.  I could have read it tomorrow with whatever it holds.  But no.  Today as I prayed with a feeling of desperation- this is the day this reminder comes to me.  Isn't He just awesome?

Lord, sometimes you speak to us in whispers in our head or heart, or flying on the wind.  Sometimes through the words of others, or a song or story.  Today is it through the scriptures you have laid before me.  Thank you.  Thank you for being present in my life.  Thank you for reminding me that you are always here.  Thank you for being big enough to create the world and all that is in it, but small enough to care about my every need.  Thank you for walking through life with me.  Thank you for creating a love in my heart for your Word and a yearning for the Truth that comes through your scriptures and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for so many more second chances than I deserve.  Thank you for choosing not only to create me, but to love me and call me your own.  And if that wasn't enough, then you chose me to parent and love and pray for 3 beautiful children.  You filled my heart with love, compassion and prayers for others.  You have chosen to use me to encourage and pray.  You have provided for my needs and privileged me with extra special wants or surprises at times.  You have opened my eyes so that even in tough times I see the Your light.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you, Lord.

He Knew Me!

Romans 8:28 is a commonly quoted verse, but have you ever really looked at the words?  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (Romans 8:28-30 NIV)

I have to admit, that even though I frequently pray, praise and stand on this promise, today I noticed something new.  Something that changed everything I'd ever been told regarding this verse.  Something that gives me joy and hope.

I have spent many years hoping this verse was true for me; that I was one of those called.  I had always been led to believe that not all were called.  Over the years, it has provided me stress and worry sometimes as to whether of not God chose me or if I was just trying to force myself amongst the group.  After seeing Facing the Giants (which is my FAVORITE movie), I began "praying for rain and preparing my fields."  In other words, living my life in knowing the limitlessness of what God can do and also live preparing for it to be so for me and hoping it would be so.  

BUT - look at the start of the second sentence in our portion: "For those God foreknew"  Think about that phrase and let it sink in completely.  Foreknew means knew before.  For those God knew before.  God is the creator of all things.  He created each of us and not only created, but created with a plan and a purpose to work for good in His kingdom.  Throughout His word we find that He knew us before we were in our mother's womb.  He had thought of us before we were even conceived.  I'd say that is the epitome of foreknew.

So, that means this verse is for each of us.  God foreknew us, which means He predestined us to be conformed to the image of His son.  And if we are predestined, then we are called by Him to do his will.  And if we are called, then we are justified.  If we are justified, then we are glorified.  We have all been called according to His purpose and He can work all things for good, even the mistakes or the bad things done.  However, we also need to remember this, that it is for HIS purpose.  His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts.  We are limited in our views and cannot see the whole picture.  Haven't we all had those moments when we look back and see something that we thought was devastating at one point in our lives and realize how it led to something better?  I know I have!  We are brokenhearted when a relationship ends or we don't get the job, but later in life you see how that could have altered your entire reality now and all the blessings it includes.  

The example that jumps to my mind is a lost relationship.  We were engaged, the wedding planned, the dresses bought, the flowers ordered, the reception paid for.  And then it ended.  I still to this day am not even sure why.  And I spent years devastated.  I would lock myself in a room and try on my wedding dress.  I would dance in the mirror and think about what might have been.  Then I would fall into a puddle crying out to God, "why?!?"  But weekly moved to monthly and monthly moved to every now and then and finally 8 years later, I let the dress go and the dream that went with it.  He moved on right away; was married to someone else within a year.  Then divorced again and remarried.  I ran into him first at his work while I was nearby for a college tour and then at his stepfather's funeral.  Both times, those old feelings came back and I wondered what happened, but they were easily pushed aside with the fact that he was doing well.  Adult life has never been easy for me, and I still have moments that I remember that time in my life: a princess at a ball; showered with love; a beautiful house awaiting me; the chance to stay home with my kids; an adventurous life ahead; a companion to walk with.  BUT...if that had worked out: I would not have been here when my father died nor spent his last weeks in his presence; I would not have worked where I currently work and reconnected with so many people; I would not have my son (might have a son, but not the one I have); my girls would not have grown up in Central Florida and participated in so many things they did; we would not have the memories we have.  Life would be completely different.  I see how that had to end for this to be.  God could see more than I could, including pain.  18 years later, I see that I was in love with a dream, and I remember only the best parts, not how things really were or the dailyness and struggles of would have been.  He worked it all for good.  I know that now. 

Did/do bad things happen?  Of course!  Because we have the free will to choose what we do.  We don't always make the right decisions.  We base our choices on what we see.  We often disagree with God's choice because we cannot see the whole picture yet and how this moment fits in.  I try to make decisions prayerfully, but there are moments when I don't know what to choose.  Maybe I'm not listening, maybe that particular choice doesn't matter too much in the big scheme of things, maybe the world has too much influence on me, maybe I am stubborn and willful.  But I am alive.  I was created.  So that means that I am predestined.  I am made in the image if Christ and I have the choice to conform and love God.  And God will work all things for good for His plan.  If I conform; if I live in love, I will see how that means it will work for good in my life.

Thank you, Lord, that you knew us before we were even conceived.  Thank you for creating us in your image and for choosing us to conform to the image of your living Son.  Thank you for inviting us to love.  Thank you that you want us all; to lose not even one of us.  Thank you that when I become lost, you seek after me like the lost sheep spoken of in chapter 10 of Matthew (8-14).  Thank you that even when I am lost, you will find me and then use those lost moments for good.  Thank you for walking with me when I make those missteps on the path and comforting me when I can't see the good.  Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you would work good in my life and use my life for your purpose.  Thank you for sending your Son to die on a cross so that I may be justified.  Thank you, most of all, for moments like these when you teach me something new and when you show me how You are, have and, I know, will continue to work in my life.  Praise you, Lord, Father and King.  Amen.

Who Am I?

This week has been one of those weeks.  Monday and Tuesday were days I felt defeated and beaten down by something at work.  Then Monday afternoon Ben came to my room after school and he was sick...again.  He struggled to make it through Tuesday, but had to be sent home after testing.  Luckily my mom had finished proctoring so she could take him since I had testing, teaching and a doctor's appointment.  Wednesday night I went to bed not feeling well, plus feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.  I kept thinking about when I woke Ben up (from my bed where he ended up in the middle of the night = restless night for both) and he yelled at me, "Why are you waking me up so early?!?  It's Saturday!"  "No, son.  Not even close.  It's Wednesday morning."  "Mom, this week should be over already!"  Agreed.

As often happens when I don't feel 100%, sleep was evading me.  While I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night/early morning, I was praying for a friend whose daughter is in labor, another friend who had a really bad day, my students, a friend who has been struggling as she is persecuted for walking the path God called her to, my younger daughter awaiting some news, my older daughter making some choices, my son who is "sick of being sick" and is preparing to face some things he doesn't even know about yet, another friend who is pregnant, forgiveness for a friend I let down, and more.  My mind kept whirling.  Suddenly, as I finally asked God to help me feel better so I could go to work, I fell asleep for about 25 minutes and when I woke up, I realized today is Thursday.  This week I thought would never end is almost over!

I am so grateful that God is weak when I am strong.  I am so grateful that He has filled me with a sense of others so that my focus is on them rather than on my own failings, feelings, and flaws.  I am grateful that I have Hope in my heart always, even when the path seems unbearable.  And I am thankful for His grace and mercy when things going wrong (no matter how minor it may seem).  Who am I that He should be mindful of me?  I think that so often.  But the answer is this: I am His.  He created me; in His image He created me.  He saw that it was good, and He doesn't make mistakes. (Genesis 2:27,31)  I already know that next week has some challenges in it, but nothing is impossible with Christ, if you believe.  I do believe, Abba!  Help me in my moments of unbelief!!!  (Mark 9:23-24)  God can work ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  (Romans 8:28)  And we are all His creation and He wants to lose not even one. (John 6:39-40) Sometimes the days are long.  Sometimes the breaks seem like they'll never come.  Sometimes treading water sounds like just too much to ask, much less flourishing.  But I have faith.  Faith in the God who created me and adores me (even when I can't figure out why) and who walks with me through everything.  I have faith in His truth, which is His word.  His promises never fail.  Sometimes it takes a little time to see the whole picture, but He always has a plan and it is to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  After all, hind sight is 20/20, because now we see in part, but one day we will see fully even as we are fully known. (1Corinithians 13:12)  All because I am His.  Thank you, Abba!

Conquering bleh!

Somehow (and I say that with a sparkle in my eye because I don't believe in coincidence) my Lent has seemed to start out with an emphasis on finding joy in all things.  Whether through encouraging words to a friend (that led to being used right back on me), devotionals, music, bible study, scriptural study on Wednesday...joy keeps coming up.  So I am working hard to use the search for joy in all things to conquer the low moments I've been feeling.  

Lately I just feel so, well, bleh.  I know, it's a very technical term.  I'm tired all the time, teary at everything, grumpy, sad, frustrated...these words don't do it justice.  I feel bleh.  I've considered blaming the weather - I don't mind the cold at all, but not enough sunny days, too overcast all the time.  I've tried blaming the situations in life: overworked, overwhelmed, under paid, misunderstood...but even when true, it doesn't help, it's just the way life is.  I wake up every morning, start my day in prayer with a commitment to try harder, but then the temptation to let the little things get to me creeps in and boy, have I been losing that battle!  I feel like every night I'm crying out to God with apology for a lousy day.

Wednesday we did lectio divina at church.  All that quiet and necessary being still was really hard for me after a long day...it's a common joke that I don't know how to relax. (unfunny part is the truth - to me relaxing is only going 50 mph through life instead of 150!). Especially this day.  It was filled with questions I didn't have answers to, people messing with my friends, interruptions in everything I needed to do, I left work late with only one thing taken off my VERY long to-do list because so many fires popped up along the way that needed to be put out.  Then I'm pulling exasperated into a space a church (with a happy meal for my son because I didn't have time to stop at home and get the well balanced pre-prepared dinner I made him) and the phone rings...it was my boss with a question about something I'm not even in charge of!  So instead of going home and pounding off my energy with a walk around the block, dancing in the kitchen, or even just busily rocking to music while making dinner or lunches, I had to sit still and quiet and I was next to my mom, so no fiddling.  Oi vey!  But oh the blessing!  Our lectio divina was using psalm 51.  When doing lectio divina with a group, there are some rules (another not so strong suit of mine - sometimes I wonder how I survive with all my not so strong suits...but for the grace of God).  Part of the process is to have the scripture read 3 times (now you see the need for quiet).  The first time, you are listening and just looking for a word or phrase that touches the heart. Give me the JOY of your saving help AGAIN.  The second time (read by opposite gender as first) you are seeing or hearing Christ in the text.  JOY in all things and AGAIN, as in new every morning, because joy comes in the morning as I've (God) told you.  The third time (switch gender of reader again) is "for the purpose of experiencing Christ 'calling us forth' into doing or being."  Be joyful in all things, because again and again I am with you.  Then each person in the group prayers for the person on their right based on what they've shared through this process.  

If you read my last post, you knew I'd had an Epiphany on Tuesday, and then this on Wednesday.  So things started getting better and easier, the end.  Don't I wish!!!  Thursday, I woke up renewed and refreshed and ready to try again.  I did a little better, but still more flop than success.  And my poor friend and co-workers tried so hard to keep me on track and yet, I just lost the fight to temptation and bleh.  Thursday night, I didn't sleep well.  I was so bothered by my failure.  That's when I realized I have to be more intentional in pointing out the joy, the blessings.  I can't beat temptation with just my good intentions.  I need to constantly remind myself.  That means sharing.   So let's turn this ship around...right now!

Annoyance / Joy:

Everyone asking me questions / people know I am approachable and will work to help them find a solution

Working until 10:30 on a Friday night chaperoning kids to a YES performance / I was able to see the Russian National Ballet perform Cinderella...for free!  As a young girl I dreamed of this!  I never would have been able to afford to see this or expose Ben to this.  Plus we got to spend the evening together without any interruptions.  

Working on a Saturday from 8-1:30(ish) / I have the opportunity to learn from teachers all over the county, share their ideas and discuss our frustrations as we prepare for the 4th grading period

Being up early on a Saturday / my daughter in college texted with a problem/frustration at 4 am and I was already awake and could be there for her...even if it was just to listen and pray for her

I have to work on Sunday (another YES  performance) / another chance to expose Ben to some culture we couldn't usually afford to see, plus I love seeing him so exciting about the work of Pavarotti.  

Constant interruptions to help others / a chance to be a blessing in someone else's life

I could go on, but you get the point.  For me, sometimes, just thinking isn't enough.  I need to speak it or write out.  Share it with others.  Just a reminder that if we choose life, there is joy.  Every day.  Renewed.  Again.  And ours for the taking.

Lord, thank you for not letting bleh win.  I know I'm not last it, but with your grace and guidance and speaking to my heart, I'm finding my way. Out of the bleh and into the Light!  In you, I can do this!!!  I love you for loving me so much to walk this path with me...even when I'm out of sort.  Thank you for always being here.  In your name I pray and praise!  Amen!

Don't Mess With My Balls!!

Yesterday was one of those days.  I've grown very adept at putting on my mask, hopefully the smile one and moving through life like things are okay even when I feel the exact opposite.  Don't get me wrong, I have my passionate tirades like everyone, but for the most part, I try to be upbeat and I live to serve others.  The reality of my life, as few really know, is much heavier.  Things aren't always as they seem and sometimes the perfectly "normal" can be unperfectly chaotically and broken.  Sometimes dark clouds overcast my world or gray snowy skies better match my insides.  I wake up each morning during this times and try to find the rainbow or make the snow glisten...it can get exhausting!

Have you ever seen the movie "One Fine Day" with Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney?  As a single mom I love this movie.  My favorite line in the movie comes from Michelle Pfeiffer as she is explaining why she doesn't need help from the carefree, roll with the punches, usually only for the weekend dad, played by Clooney, "I've got all these little balls in the air and if someone caught one of them for me, I'd probably drop all of them." 

Yesterday was one of those days where reality decided to stand up and get real with me.  Everything was chaotically off balance.  Nothing was staying juggled the way I like it.  It was nothing earth shattering or horrible.  Some of it wasn't even as bad as it's been before.  But that gray cloud that has been hovering was casting a stormy shadow.  

One of the things to go wrong was my son's neurologist appointment.  It wasn't the medical part, it was him.  I KNOW my son is diagnosed ASD.  I KNOW what that entails.  I also KNOW how far he's come and how well he can and does do.  We have been doing this so long and the parameters for doctors' appointments are so routine that I sometimes forget how unnormal it can be.  Those memories are just witty anecdotes that seem unreal.  He was having an off day from the moment he woke up.  I thought the normalcy of school "cured" that.  We left early and I should have known when he walked in wishing the appointment was tomorrow that things were still off.  But he read quietly during the hour plus car ride and ate his lunch in the back seat seemingly fine.  We arrived early so we sat in the car for a few minutes and I closed my eyes (which are always heavy anymore).  Then the drizzle started so we ran in to avoid the rain.  His obsession with the drops may have been another sign, but he's VERY intellectual and honestly, sometimes I only half listen to his academic talk (mostly because he's so much smarter than me that I don't understand).  He started becoming ancy and clingy in the waiting room which is very unlike him.  It progressively got worse.  Add in a new PA who doesn't know our history and well, it was less than wonderful.  I was embarrassed and angry and confused and overwhelmed.  I cried the whole way home...he slept.  Throughout my teary drive, I kept praying that God would show me answers.  Not just answers from the appointment, which gleaned none, but for how to handle all this.  How to handle when my juggling skills are less than stellar.  How to handle allowing others to help.  How to let go and not be in control, but to fully let God be in control, which means accepting help when I'm overwhelmed and tired or need a break, which means knowing when to walk away from a situation and that it's okay to.  I talked to God about knowing He has a plan, but I can't see it right now.  Asking Him if that means that I'm off the path or something else.  How do I know how to parent in this?  Maybe discipline shouldn't matter on exceptionality?  Maybe I'm the wrong one to parent him?  Am I raising an excuse maker?  Who will do wrong and blame it on his disorder?  Or is this really out of his control?  If none of the behavioral therapy is working, what now?  Or maybe we need an exorcism!  Maybe it's just a demon that needs to break loose and all the doctors, therapists and specialists for the past 8 years are wrong?  (Yes, my mind is a bowl full of crazy sometimes!) I just drove and cried and cried out to Him with all my heartache.

We arrived home and I knew in my head that forgiveness needed to be offered, but I didn't know how to let go.  It's easy to say, "well, it's not his fault," but he is still accountable for some of the behavior when he chooses not to comply with the techniques and tools used to help get him back on track.  So I kept my words few; just one step directions with little emotion (I didn't have much left).  Once he had done the few things he needed to do, I took a nap and he laid beside me, reading.  I woke up about 15 minutes later realizing it was time to start our evening routine: dinner, making lunches, and I had to do it all before a scout parent meeting at 6.  So he was directed, still with few words, to sit at the table and do 30 minutes of splash math while I worked.  As I set about the kitchen warming dinner (I try to cook for the week on the weekends) and making lunches, I was listening to my current book "All In," by Mark Batterson.  At this point in the story he was talking about Job.  If you've read my blog, you know I'm a big fan of Job.  I feel I can identify with him pretty well at times.  In talking about all that goes wrong with Job, he discusses what Job did in the midst...praised God.  He then relates a story about some friends who had a blessing that was taken back.  These friends were worship leaders and days later he watched the husband sing Blessed be the name at a conference.  Knowing what had happened and hearing him sing "You give and take away" almost broke the author.  As the song began to play in my head and my heart joined in on the words, I began to break too...or more so, the cloud hovering over me broke.  

Unlike Job, instead of praising God for the blessing in the appointment (no new seizure activity), I became fixated on the curses.  God gives and takes away, including our comfort zones.  When everything goes smoothly, I forget that it's not as smooth for my sweet boy.  He has to work very hard for smooth.  I'm sure he gets overwhelmed and tired of it all too, just like me.  Except, his is daily, because he's working to hold it together...partially to make it easier for me.

Just in case I didn't get His message last night, God, in his great mercy, made sure to follow it up this morning with 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this God's will for you in Christ."  

Lord, you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of The Lord!  Thank you for those you use to bring me Your word and encouragement.  Whether through the recommendation of a book, a prayer sent up, a text, song lyrics, a story/devotional or those who point me back to Your Word.  Thank you for never abandoning me on the cloudy days and for the promise of the rainbow that binds us together.  Thank you that you are not done with me yet...complete your good work in me.  And thank you even for the valley, desert, dark times: for your presence, your provision and you Light that leads us.  Most of all, thank you for my quirky boy and for all he does.  Thank your for his effort to comply, and help me in the moments I forget his effort.  Thank you for his heart which wants to serve you and loves you.  Help me nurture that while we work together to make it through this path.  Together in you and to you go all the glory! Amen

Stop, Lift and listen

This morning, during my devotional time, I was faced with the question: How are you doing in the “putting people ahead of possessions” department? 

I am not a good steward of what I am given.  I am the first to admit that.  Not because I am unwillingly to share, but because I have the bad habit if sharing beyond my means.  I want to help everyone with everything.  I would give all I had.  I used to think that it was just because I wanted people to like me.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized that's not what it is.  I give to people I don't know, people I know I'll never see again and even to people I don't care for and don't really want a relationship with.  

I've realized that I have total confidence that God will provide for me.  And with that in mind, I feel confident in helping others in any way I can.  Maybe a little too confident.  I need to stop doing and take a breath to ask if this is what He wants me to do.  Sometimes, I may robbing someone else of the opportunity to help.  Sometimes, maybe I'm robbing Him of the timing He has.  Maybe His power is to be shown in the waiting.  Maybe He has a different purpose for my treasures.  Maybe, He provided for my own need.  Being over generous can be just as wrong as being selfish.  No matter what we need to stop, lift and listen!  Stop doing, lift up our thoughts/choices to Him, and listen to what His will is.  

Thank you, Lord, for giving me a generous heart.  Thank you also for providing for me in the many times that I have given away even what I need.  Open my eyes and my ears to hear YOUR will for my treasures.  And may I never forget that ALL things come of You and of Thine own have we given thee.