Do You Understand What I Have Done?

“The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean. When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

John 13:2-17 NIV

http://bible.com/111/jhn.13.2-17.niv

This is one of those well known stories.  We hear every Easter season, maybe even to the point that when it begins we may not listen completely.  Yet this morning something new stuck out to me.  I'm Hos exchange with Simon Peter, Jesus comments that not everyone among their group is clean, for He knew who was going to betray him.  We know that the someone He is referring to is Judas.  In just a few verses, He is long to flee to go turn Jesus over to His death.  Yet at this point, Jesus washed His feet anyway.  "Even though I know that you are going to betray me; even though your heart is far from mine; even though you are going to take the good I am trying to do and end if greed...I serve you."  These is what went running through the my brain as I read.  Jesus knew what lie ahead and whose hand would push it there, yet He did not exclude him.

“Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

Not only does He wash the betrayer felt, but in that same discourse, He charges us to do the same:  to serve those who are not part of our circle; those who may betray us; those who don't seem to care. That means that person at work who always throws you under the bus.  The person in church who gossips about you.  The man in the store who judges you.  The child, who in a moment of anger, screams, "I hate you!"  The driver who is honking and giving you the finger as you drive down the road.  The friend or loved one who betrays your trust.  God has told us and shown us that we are to follow His example.  We must serve and share His message (whether by words or actions or both)...we must love like Him.  What a hard task, but in Christ ALL things are possible.

Thank you, Lord, for this lesson.  As we begin another school year, help me to teach my students to love like You.  Help me to show all those I work with and come into contact with at any point throughout my day, that You are king of my life and to serve even those who may not be the easiest to love.  In Your name I pray, Amen.

The Good Shepherd

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”

John 10:27-28 NIV

This morning I was reading chapter 10 of John which talks of The Good Shepherd.  I've always loved this story and the images that usually accompany it.  I've recently learned that it is the most widely loved image of Jesus by children due to the protective, loving, gentle nature portrayed.  

In my early 20s, I became even more enamoured with The Good Shepherd thanks to Fr. Bev Barge, whose affinity for it lead me to look more deeply.  He even led us on a journey to the small Good Shepherd's chapel in the National Cathedral in Washington D.C.  It was 1991, my oldest was just four months old and I wasn't much more than a baby myself.  Life was scary and confusing.  I sat with her in my arms in the tiny alcove and remember feeling completely at peace, calm, protected.  I knew everything was going to be alright, even if I didn't know how.  I remember feeling my heart literally swell as I showed her the image of The Good Shepherd and explained that she was like the lamb in His arms: loved, cherished and God's own.  

I have shared the story of The Good Shepherd with each of my 3 children and shared that they were His sheep.  Life has not been easy for us.  We have walked many rocky, steep mountains and through many dry, barren, canyon sized and wolf infested valleys.  But The Good Shepherd has always been with me; calling my name; asking me to trust and follow Him.  And my children have followed me, hopefully learning to listen also for His voice.  This is my greatest prayer.  

Today, I read the story again.  Maybe it is the time of year, but today as I read, I was overwhelmed with the image of my students as sheep.  Some from different flocks, some sheep without a shepherd, but each longing to held, comforted, cared for, brought to peace and safety.  They are growing up in a world where there are so many calling their names, and voice imitation has become an art form.  I thought about the fact that, because I work in a public school, I cannot share this story with them directly.  Instead I have live my life like the shepherd.  When they are with me I need to be the one calling their name, guiding them to safety, leading.  When they look, they need to see something different. They need to know they are safe.  They need to see The Good Shepherd through me.  My actions must speak louder than the words I cannot say.  I must plant seeds that keep them seeking for the One who can save them and lead them in a life everlasting.  My daily prayers for them the water.  My words to build up and encourage them to grow.  The shepherd does not idly watch his sheep.  He is active and even if his words are few, the sheep still know.  Society may make it impossible for me to talk about The Good Shepherd, but my actions can speak loud enough and I will trust Him to do the rest,

Lord, as we are about to begin a new school year, I lift up teachers every where.  I ask you, Lord, to watch over us and to guide us.  Help us plant seeds that draw these young ones to you; guard our words so that we can safely continue in the job you have called us to; enable us and guide us to show Your love, provision, care and peace to those we come into contact with.  And bless the precious little sheep who You are sending to us. Whether they are 5 or 15, they are growing up in a craggy, rugged land.  Keep their footing sure and may they see the wolves in sheep's clothing and know they are theives.  Protect us all.  Provide for us.  Lead us.  Thank you, Lord, for bringing us together.  May your will be done.  Amen.

My Mustard Seed of Faith

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” (Mark 4:30-32 NIV)

There are many areas of my life that I feel helpless and fearful and stressed about: work, my medical needs/aging, finances/being able to provide for my family, ending up alone, not being who God created me to be... but I think the area that I currently feel the most helpless, fearful and stressed about is my children.  I worry that I didn't show them enough.  I worry that they'll get hurt.  I worry that they'll never become who God created them to be.  I worry that they don't love God with their whole heart, mind and soul or even worse, that they don't really believe.  Through all of these things I remind myself that God is in control.  I remind myself that he says, "Fear not, for I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  I remind myself that He knows the plans He has for me and for my family and that He is the creator and perfecter of all creation; He doesn't make mistakes.  He uses all things for good and for His perfect plan.  He knows every fiber of my being and He loves us more than we could ever feasibly imagine.  

"Oh ye of little faith!" "Why worry when I have it all under control.  I have numbered your days and will use them in my purpose for you."  Lord, my faith feels so weak at times, when the world is swirling around me and I can't find my footing.  But you have told us that even faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.  Root my faith.  Grow it in you.  And hold fast to me when the world is swirling.  I believe in You and in the plans You have for me and my family.  help me in my moments of unbelief.  Amen.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. ” (Matthew 17:20 NIV)

He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. (Luke 17:6 NIV)

Growing up is hard!!!

I having been having a hard time lately with some things.  I pray about them all the time, but I'm stuck in a zone...a zone of sadness or maybe it's disappointment because this is not how I wanted things to go; not how I pictured things.  In trying to deal with it I tend to shoot of my mouth, get sarcastic, or make snarky jokes, but the truth is I'm hurt and confused and lost and well, I don't like that.  And then the guilt sets in.  The guilt that this is not the way I'm supposed to act; not the person God created me to be.  This morning I was searching for a scripture to help me.  I looked up scriptures to help let go, about judging, about being forgiving, about tears, about anger.  In my search I found this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

I was going to say that it got me thinking, but the truth is, as I read it, I felt a whisper in my heart.  "Stop looking at the negative.  Embrace the love."  I love my family members.  I want them to be happy.  And I do need to let go of some things.  I do need to look at others through fresh eyes, especially outsiders (friends, more-than-friends, etc.).  I do need to be more forgiving and/or maybe more forgetting.  And it's okay to share the tears and the anger, but only with God who knows my heart and can make it whole.  They don't need to be shared with others who may not know the love from which they really come.  

You see, my family is not like yours.  Just like yours is not like mine.  We're that family that spends an insane amount of time together and yet that just isn't enough for me.  I miss the others like crazy when we're not together.  I often turn down nights out with friends for family movie or game night.  When we do go out with our friends, some one is always afraid they're going to miss something.  There is talk amongst us daily, even though we don't all live in the same house.  We drive each other absolutely, positively crazy, but at the end of the day, the truth is we always are there.  We love more than we live.

That has been our life for so long.  I grew loving to be with my family.  I was a single mom early in my 20s and I loved being with my girls.  We grew up together, really.  Then my son came along and although his health issues shook things up, he mixed right in.  I have loved watching my children together.  I love the way they love each other.  

But times change.  Kids grow up.  My girls are now in their 20s and beginning to make their own lives. They are not around as much as they used to be.  And I find that I hate it.  Okay, hate maybe a strong word.  I find myself lost, stuck in a whirlwind of emotions ranging from jealousy to sadness to loneliness to pride to overwhelming joy to excitement to a chaotic mess where I don't know what I feel!  And I'm having a hard time.  Mostly because I never pictured this part.  I never pictured life beyond just "us."  

That whisper this morning to my heart was a good reminder that this is really all about love.  I love them so much and I just need to keep loving them.  And if my love is true, then it will be 

* patient during the rough times

* kind to open up to new members

* not envious, but excited for new adventures

* not seek what makes me happy (the old way), but seek what makes them happy

* not full of anger, but peace

* it will let go and for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances 

* it will be truthful, but also understanding if their choices are not mine

* and it will always continue to be there protecting, trusting, hoping and most of all persevering (especially when I fail at any of the above)

I need to stop looking at the negative and just trust.  God blessed me with this family.  He filled us with this love.  He gave us this weird, close knit bond.  And I truly believe He knows the plans He has for us and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  Most of all, He is love.  And that is enough for me.

Morning rituals

Every morning before my eyes even open I start my day with God.  I don't know how or when this routine started, but this morning in the midst of it, I thought about how my day just doesn't start without it.  It is such a habit that even if everything else in my morning routine changes, this still stays the same.  And as I was thinking about the whole ritual, I was thinking about the words in the two prayers (which have meshed together and become one for me), and how beautiful they are.

Good morning, Father.  You are ushering in another day, untouched and freshly new. So here I am to ask you, Lord, if You'll renew me too. Forgive the many errors, Lord, that I made yesterday and help me try again dear Lord, to walk closer in Your way.  But Father, I am well aware that I can't make it on my own. So take my hand, Lord, hold it tight, for I can't and don't want to walk alone.  This is another day, O Lord.  I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready for whatever it may be.  If I am to stand, help me to stand bravely.  If I am to sit, help me do it quietly.  If I am to lie, help me do it patiently.  And if I am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.  Make these words more than words and give me Your Spirit, Lord Jesus.

These are both from the Book of Common Prayer somewhere.  I have been waking up with it for so long that this is from memory, which also means I may have made slight adjustments.  It's funny because it is literally the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about getting up.  After it, I do my bible study reading and/or devotional (right now I'm doing Now is the time: Acts from YOUversion) and then I pray for those on my mind and on my prayer list.  During that time a scripture usually starts to run around in my brain that I share on Facebook.  Then I get up and start my day.  But always this prayer and almost always before I open my eyes.

I love that I start the day this way.  I love that, no matter what is going on, God is a part of me and my life.  I love that each day I start with Him.  I love that I ask for presence to make a difference in my life.  And I love that it's not just routine, but that there are days, like today, that I can sit and ruminate (I love that word) in how I don't just believe in God, but He is a part of who I am and all I do.  I may truly fall and fail at moments, but each day starts fresh and new with Him at the helm.  It's what makes me who I am:  imhopeful4ever!

When the Mission Seems Impossible

Today I started a new devotional.  It started with Acts 1:1-8.  Then it asked the following questions: 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by something you know God has called you to do? Do you follow through in obedience? What was the ultimate result?

I think that more often I feel overwhelmed because I feel unsure of what God has asked or wants me to do.  I wish He spoke with neon lights or little notes left on my pillow or a text or email clearly defining the plan would be great.  But there definitely have been a few times that I definitively knew what He was calling me to and didn't always love the idea or lack of agreement or assuredness we shared.  I do try to follow through in obedience, but often need a lot of reminding and a lot of encouragement that "This is God's plan for me."  I even often need a lot of second chances to veer back to the path after chasing a squirrel.  I am apparently a very slow learner.  

One case in particular that immediately comes to mind is with my job.  2 summers ago I felt it was time to leave teaching.  I was stressed out, burnt out, bummed out and just about every other negative term you can think of. It hadn't been a horrible year.  I had looped with my class and I loved them and their parents, but I was just done with all that teaching entails, especially the little things the outside world just doesn't see or realize they put on us.  I had been asked to consider a position outside the classroom.  After praying about, I felt so convicted that God was telling me my time in the classroom wasn't done.  But what if this other position gave me more freedom?  What if it would require me to spend less?  What if it would take away the added stress of lesson plans, testing, conferencing with parents?  What if I got to travel?  What if? What it? What if?  I have very few times that I ever felt God so clearly give me a direction.  "I am NOT done with you here yet.  You have more work to do."  So, I stayed.  I thanked the person with the offer but just felt that now was not the time.  I knew I had to stay, but wondered how much I was going to regret it.  I felt like I did as a child being told I couldn't go to the birthday party because of other plans, but I just knew that it was going to be better than what I had. 

The last 2 years have been....WOW!  The first year was very challenging, but at the end of the year, I knew exactly why I had been called to stay.  It wasn't easy, but I saw the why. Last summer I considered it again and after talking and praying with my closest friend, we agreed God wanted me in the classroom.  This year has been amazing.  I have had the opportunity to work with a hearing impaired child that has stretched my teaching to new limits. I have been invigorated and refreshed.  I have a class of such darlings that in December I started getting teary when people mentioned the end of the year.  I was chosen our school's teacher of the year, an honor that has filled my heart with such encouragement through comments of my peers and our parents that I can't express the joy adequately.  And that has also caused me to be reflective; I have had the chance to see how much I have learned and grown through my boss and coworkers.  I also have seen such heartache in others that I have been driven to not wait until tomorrow to let others know how much I appreciate them or the things they do.  My heart has grown.  

Has it been easy?  No!  Has it been smooth and stress free?  Absolutely not!  Has it been all roses and blessings?  No way!  Has it been worth it?  Definitely!  I am grateful for the blessings.  I am grateful for the lessons (even if some came through really hard times).  I am grateful for the relationships.  I am grateful for the way He has shown me His will and my purpose in it.  Most of all, I am grateful for His love and His plan for me even when it's not what I want or think is best.  I am so grateful that He knows that plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future.  I am so grateful that He can use even someone like me and I can't wait to see what He has for me in the future!!!

What a way to start the day!

Every morning I wake up and before I even get out of bed, I begin to pray.  Sometimes my mind is muddled and foggy when I start so I always start by thank God for this day.  "Lord, I know not what this day brings forth, but you do.  Whatever it is be with me.  If I am to stand, help me stand wisely. If I am to sit, help me sit quietly.  If I am to lay, help me lay patiently.  Let me rest in You in all I do."  It's a hodge podge of prayers I've learned over the years.  Most from the Book of Common Prayer.  By the time I finish that rote start, my mind has cleared and I begin to pray for those around me and with more specifics.  Some days as I pray, my mind is distracted and no matter how hard I claim peace and focus, it's a struggle.  Other days I have so much on my heart to lift up, I feel almost desperate as I pray.  

Today was one of those latter days.  A parishioner from church needs a heart transplant desperately.  A blog I stumbled across a few years ago is written by the mother of a little girl who is losing a desperate fight with brain cancer.  Another parishioner from church is starting to feel better from an accident she was in; healing we' e been praying for.  A friend is leaving a bad work situation hoping to find God's plan for her future.  Another friend is feeling overwhelmed with life filled with change and choices and unknowns.  My children are facing life choices and struggling to make the right ones.  I find myself desperate in prayer that God will lead them.  That He will become so real to them that they know without doubt He has the answers for all our questions and will trust in Him to lead them.  He knows the plans He has for them.  He created them in their inmost being.  They are wonderfully made and He can and will work all things for good in their lives if they trust in Him.  And I pray for me.  I'm facing some issues that I pray may just be exacerbated by the stress of the often selfish world.  I often have moments where I just feel broken, exhausted, inundated, and lonely.  Yet I'm filled with awe and praise.  I am overwhelmed by the things I see everyday that show God's provision and blessing even in the worst of times, the unsure times, the invisible times, the sick times.  

So, as always, I prayed and I praised.  When I felt at a point to move on with my morning (because I am never done praying), I opened my digital bible to read today's verse in the plan I am working on:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24 NIV)

There is nothing that fills my heart with more joy than knowing God is there, is listening, and cares.  I don't believe in consequences.  I believe with all my heart He has a plan for me.  I could have read that scripture yesterday, when I was struggling with distraction and weakness and feeling under the weather.  I could have read it tomorrow with whatever it holds.  But no.  Today as I prayed with a feeling of desperation- this is the day this reminder comes to me.  Isn't He just awesome?

Lord, sometimes you speak to us in whispers in our head or heart, or flying on the wind.  Sometimes through the words of others, or a song or story.  Today is it through the scriptures you have laid before me.  Thank you.  Thank you for being present in my life.  Thank you for reminding me that you are always here.  Thank you for being big enough to create the world and all that is in it, but small enough to care about my every need.  Thank you for walking through life with me.  Thank you for creating a love in my heart for your Word and a yearning for the Truth that comes through your scriptures and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for so many more second chances than I deserve.  Thank you for choosing not only to create me, but to love me and call me your own.  And if that wasn't enough, then you chose me to parent and love and pray for 3 beautiful children.  You filled my heart with love, compassion and prayers for others.  You have chosen to use me to encourage and pray.  You have provided for my needs and privileged me with extra special wants or surprises at times.  You have opened my eyes so that even in tough times I see the Your light.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Thank you, Lord.