This was one of the hardest holiday seasons I have ever had. I have spent the better part of the past year seriously struggling with some things both professionally and personally. There have been days that the only thing getting me out of bed or keeping me from rocking in the in fetal position is my Type A personality to never give up combined with my faith. But November and December brought events into my personal life that just got me stuck in the mire. I have felt as if I've been walking through a dream, or worse, a nightmare, rather than reality. I have felt constantly alone, even when totally surrounded. Not wanting this to continue, I have spent most of Christmas break focusing on how to get through. Spending my mornings immersed in my bible, my middle of the nights immersed in a book series about the spiritual journey (1) and my days immersed in prayer while continuing to attempt to navigate a truly chaotic life, I finally felt the Light breaking through the darkness. Nothing has really changed except what is changing within me. To quote the preface to Micah Taylor's Different, "In the midst of all this, the prayer that I kept saying was, 'Jesus, could you just change these things...Can you stop the storms,' but He's chosen not to stop these things just yet. And I'm finding out that sometimes the best question is not 'Jesus, can you change these things around me,' but instead, 'God, can you change me so I can handle the things that you're walking me through.'" (2)
A teacher by trade, working in predominantly low-income schools has always been my sanctuary. I've thought about leaving, but it's my mission field and God has made it clear for now that it's where I belong. However, recently it has become a separate source of struggle. Between state/district mandates, additional security measures that bind us, ever changing focuses, standards, procedures, and schedules, a lack of appropriate personnel, a lack of timely communication, and a heavy coat of negativity and self-concern, I have felt like a fish out of water. I start each day with so much hope, yet feel quickly weighted down by the environment. And from conversations with peers at other schools, it's not just my school having this problem. I go to work with one purpose in mind: to teach my content the best I can, to love my students with God's love, to support my peers, and to help my school as a whole in whatever capacity I can. I start my work day by praying for our school beginning the minute I pull through the gates and frequently prayer walk the campus when I arrive. Yet, lately, the darkness has been overshadowing.
So needless to say feeling so abundantly filled with peace while walking through a deep, dark, scary valley, I became anxious about returning to school. What if I couldn't stay in the peace? What if my lack of extra time to stay immersed left gaps? What if the negativity there was too much? I know, I know...I was walking on water and took my eyes of Jesus. As I look back, I can't help but shake my head at the irony.
This week, although a true test of my faith, has been such a lesson in God's provision. Poison darts of the evil one have been thrown in both my personal and professional environments, but every day God has provided salve for the sting. From an unexpected hug, to a surprise opening in my schedule that allowed me to get to my Bible/book study, to a flat tire that allowed me time with a dear sister in Christ, to constant refreshing scriptures and music. If I open my eyes, it is there. God knew that I needed more this week and so He put divine appointments in my path that reminded me of His presence.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 NIV
"So do not fear, for I am with you' do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you wit my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Thank you, Abba, for your provision of all I need to get back into the swing of things. I know this will not be an easy path. I know that there will be more pitfalls and boulders, but with my eyes focused on you, I can do it. Thank you for reminding me that even when we get lost in the muck and mire, you will never leave us or forsake us and if we take the time to be silent and immerse ourselves, we will not only find you, but we will see evidence that you have been with us all along. Thank you for your sovereignty and for all you are teaching me, even though it is hard. And thank you for making me Type A so that I never gave up. May my journey bring you glory. Amen.
(1) Sharon Garlough Brown's Sensible Shoes Series (specifically volumes 1 &2)
(2) Micah Taylor Different
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